Year-round Yuletide oddities
It’s no thing. Just sex. For Christmas.
Bantam Rooster plugs in to punk up “Let’s Just Fuck for Christmas.” He’s all shouty but still cool about it all.
One of the beauties about the hip hop culture is how mattafact it is. Mr. Crumbsnatcher proposes (in light rapping rhymes) “All I Want for Christmas is to Fuck Hella Bitches.” And that’s off the list.
It’s showtime! Bumping uglies! Making the beast of two backs! Sex!! Did i mean specifically Christmas sex!? In song?
Shall we proposition?
Habitual Sex Offenders do it wrong with “Please Douche Before Christmas.” Great rock chords, but 12 days of feminine hygiene products? No.
Vybz Kartel Radio plays some powerful Carrib parang-rap. I’m all in the mood from “Christmas Fck.” It’s persuasive.
Jack Douglass plays the fool for his jacksfilms but he’s a shrewd comic song and parody man. Check out his boy band tribute “Christmas Sex.” Say yes, girl.
Is this the end of Christmas sodomoy? I feel a but coming….
Garfunkle and Oates stretch the concept with “The Loophole” (aka ‘Fuck Me in the Ass ‘Cause I Love Jesus’). Is this Xmas-adjacent? It’s got X.
Before we go in the front door, back-door Santas everywhere would like to explore the possibility of anal penetration.
Glamazam has a short vocally pretty album of butt-sex songs leading off with “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Butt Sex.” Uhm, that’s far enough.
Kill the Band has played “Anal for Christmas” for us before. Butt it’s got a twist in the end.
George Washington Diarrhea wrassles doowop for “I Hope That I Get Anal for Christmas.” Earthy, full of innuendo (and begging), and the harmonica is a nice touch.
How long can these Christmas fellating songs last?!
Devastating Just Cause gets instructional and burlesque-y with his old-timey “I Want a Blowjob for Christmas.” Low blow humor… rim shot!
Zack Redman plays a showtune-inspired plea with “Blowjob for Christmas II.” Desperation lifts him to an alto.
Zack’s first go-around was more Motown with his “Blowjob for Christmas.” Nice production values, more melodic than pushy. This is nicer than most.
A lot of thought goes into a Christmas blow job, at least guys never stop thinking about it. So call out the reindeer: On Deepthroat, and Biter, and Blower, and Kissit; on Gobbler, and Hummer, and Sucker, and Chewedit. But have you heard this one?
Nocturnal Emissions seems to tip the junk to ‘Battle Hymn of the Republic’ with their “Christmas Blow Job,” a finger-poppin’ pop rock song that argues the economics and practicality of the gift.
Jenny Talia answers the husband’s wish list with the resigned R+B rocker “Christmas Blowjob.” It’s a bit sad.
Matt Rogers puts the X in explicit with his ‘Jingle Bells’ whackoff: “Suck on My Cock.” This gets passed around quite a bit on the internet, if you’re wondering what the internet is for. I may have blushed myself.
Bill Clinton might be the one to ask about ‘the definition of sex,’ but i guess we’ll include them willies and bajingos for our search of Xmas sex songs. When a man and a woman eat each other very much… well, mostly the woman… well, listen:
Margaret Cho and Red Peters revisit us with “The Christmas Gift,” all jazzy and smokey and unzipped.
JR De Guzman shyly tries out the naughty words with “A Christmas Song, Sort of.” Soft club blues to put you in the mood–to laff!
The Beaver Boys get nostalgically retro rock with “It’s Christmas and You’re Sucking on My Balls.” Santa features significantly, and a bit rudely. But surely you’ll forgive his indiscretions given the lively jazz riffs.
What ELSE is in our stockings of perverted parodies for Christmas?!
To get you OUT of the mood, The Midnight Beast from UK sends up ‘All I Want’ with “How to Get a Xmas…” (fuck buddy). Not bad. Not Good.
Maci Sumcox gets twisty queen queer with “Fuckin’ Him by the Christmas Tree.” Brenda Lee would watch this.
Ron and the Rude Boys have that kind of party album with songs like “We Wish You a Hump at Christmas.” Boys cavorting with words they learned at school.
Thoughtful, but untalented, Vinceland dares us to “Let Us Fuck.”
Talented, but unconscionable, John Valby does up “Favorite Things” past the limit. (Mr. V has many more obscene Xmas funnies, but i can’t stand more than one at a time.)
Ordblid backtracks us to the “Horny Christmas” but metals ‘White’ nicely. Nicely twicely.
Kevin Bloody Wilson brings us back to Santa for the aw gee whiz “New Christmas Song.” Sing along if you have absolutely no scruples. Ew.
Santa’s sexy, we know that. Let’s get downtown to business and perform on the old guy.
Many parodies rejoice in Madlibbing naughty words into the traditional Christmas songs and rolling in the gales of laughter. A couple might be worth note.
The obvious (overdone) number here is ‘I Saw Mommy.’ This includes “Blowing” (Jesus Penis getting punk metal) (also Matt Rogers doing the Springsteen), “Licking Balls” (Funt Cart’s party karaoke) (also Smokestack Crew just a little more flirty off key), “Fisting” (thecircleofjerks barely harmonizing), “Banging” (Ironsnake jolly rocking The Boss) (also Helgrammites just rocking), and “Fucking” (Aanyl Pane with an odd alt-experimental number) (also Bo even odder and retro weird) (also Suicide Saints with a more traditional children’s obscene feel). Whew.
Jezebel goes all in with “F**k Me Santa” taking just a few extra steps beyond ‘Santa Baby’s eroticism.
Santa, don’t forget the kids! That horndog doesn’t miss a trick.
Some repeats gather here: Barnes and Barnes jolly up the childish visions of sugarpubes with “I Had Sex with Santa.” Electro-pop.
Joel Kopischke masterfully parodies the Kinks’ ‘Lola’ with the nasty “Santa.” Not as actionably pedophilic as the others.
Jason Didawick plays the jammied preteen with his pop playful “Santa’s Fucking Me Under My Christmas Tree,” which i presume is geographical not anatomical.