Category: BLUE MATERIAL

Sweet Christmas! cake 1

When it comes to Christmas, i say CAKE and you say something about produce that hangs off a tree.

Cake is fine any time, though.

And so is reggae. I know we just had a slice, but Jamaica Jam bakes up “Christmas Cake (In the Oven Baking)” as a dance party for the holidays and for the children and for the holiest of holies having a birthday. This beats out Adu Deme & Dave Azi just a dred with their more solemn “Christmas Cake.” (No cake in the song, mon.)

Punk pokery takes place under the auspices of The Yobs with “Who Had All the Christmas Cake?” BLUE ALERT These boys are unhappy about the cake eaters who may or may not have come down the chimney. While we’re down and dirty, Swaggy G white-child-raps “Christmas Cake” in which this seasonal treat somehow represents his ass.

Hey, did that cake come from home–or did it come from Christmas? Red State Update has a brief reminder about how your eating habits affect your holiday bliss with their “Christmas Cake.” Miss you boys!

Merry Mistletoe: adult – BLUE ALERT

Well, i listened to the hip hop and i got nastified.

Courtney Stodden plays the female-empowerment “Mistletoe Bikini” like a stripper pole. She promises that if you kiss her under there it will be ‘sweeter than a candy cane martini.’ She might be all talk.

Todd from Rockvlogs seconds the motion with finger pointing (not so much winking). But “Kiss Me Under the Mistletoe” refers to a different sort of toe, a bit more dromedary in fact.

No between the lines for Junksista. “Under the Mistletoe” describes sexual activities to dance music. Kissing is a gateway position.

Now you promiscuous girls are gonna get it. Here comes the name-calling. Kevin Temmer channeling Ray Stevens with a rock cum country ballad “Mistletoe Ho.” Laugh-In it’s not. But catchy it is.

Tonya Sexton has posted a fun celeb parody revisiting crooners of yore. “Under the Mistletoe (Kiss My Ass Goodbye)” gives timely advice for the cheated upon.

Merry Mistletoe: hiphop BLUE ALERT

Rap starts out as scat, right? Louis Armstrong? How about Koreans playing around. eSNa have a “Mistletoe” song that borders on rap. No, what do YOU think?

New the Pharaoh gets the real rap on stage with “Mistletoe.” Female exploitation ensues. And profanity. And carrying on.

Secret wanders around the party to make arrangements with his babe. “Mistletoe Song” is the softer side of rap. He’s going to woo the woman.

T-Rock dopes the rock with “Smokin’ Mistletoe.” It’s flyin’.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3DcagyV-Iw

Merry Mistletoe: Hale, Anderson, BLUE ALERT

Lynn Anderson retros the CW with “Mr. Mistletoe” turning a harmless tradition into a suburb or lust and lies.

Lucy Hale (from TV) pops country with her “Mistletoe.” It makes me think all possible lyrics combinations for the subject are already used up.

Then I stumbled over potty-mouthed Kyle Dunnigan. His “Fuck You Mistletoe” has given me the strength to go on, or at least listen to more country scrying subtext.

United We Christmas Tree Stand: capitalism (not!)

It’s not in the Constitution, but USA is a democratic republic based on the fundamentals of capitalism.

Christmas has also been a bastion of that.

Sadly most reactions have been so caught up in reactionarianism, they fail to win by wit.

Sean Michael Wilson teeters through “Christmas Song for Capitalism” con brio but you’ll be done before he will. BLUE ALERT!

The Twin Cities Industrial Workers of the World shyly and slyly do their part at an insiders’ party, singing “Anti-Capitalist Carols” to the choir. It’s pretty violent, even for Marxist humor.

Toxic Socket’s short finger-wagging screed “Merry Christmas Capitalism” is a fun slide show, still more angry than provocative.

Christmas List: items twenty-four (what else)

Could we have overlooked anything?

Holey Moly yes.

Family – “That’s What I Want for Christmas” by li’l orphan Shirley Temple. It’s from some heart-tugger.

A job – “All I Want for Christmas is a Job” by le Ukulélé Club de Bordeaux (worst audition video ever–WARNING: CONTAINS MARIAH CAREY PARODY) and by Below the Surface (parole plea?).

A black president – MC Overlord. Ahh, nostalgic rappin’ times.

A rock ‘n’ roll guitar – The Stompers overlaying punk onto rock. More originally by Johnny Preston.

A gun – The Vandals with more punkish punk. Ian Yo Yo Yo (Jib Jab Brothers) go urban for the Red Ryder Rifle. (Still preferable to the ‘Christmas Story’ musical version.) Best of the range is Roy Zimmerman’s  “Buy War Toys for Christmas.” Made Demento famous by The Twang.

A bag of weed – Common Enemy (BLUE ALERT). Hard garage rock.

Cancer – Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains. Ah, the young and their guitar banging regrets.

A tan – Kenny Chesney mashes up Hawaiian slide with country drawl. (It’s an all over he’s after, with you dawlin.)

A space ship – Bah & The Humbugs recognize that some intergalactic captains keep getting their rides blasted out from under them.

A Doodle-Li-Boop – Art Carney with authentic drunk-sounding jazz novelty from the ’50s.

A Ting Ting – Billy Ruffian attempts to update this old folk chestnut. (Yeah, more punk influence.)

Swiss Colony Beef Log – South Park boys deliver it again with “Swiss Colony Beef Log;” it’s what a fat kid wants for Christmas.

A new hat – Thots takes it easy on Santa and for that we thank you.

Christmas List: item twenty (sex act) (BLUE ALERT)

Down and dirty, dudes.

“I Want a Blowjob for Christmas” is off key and drunk. Devastating Just Cause wants your affirmation regardless. And anal, too.

!990s garage punk informs “I Want Sex for Christmas.” Furiously Stiff never quite released this sentiment on the world.

Well, let’s turnabout for fair play. “Anal for Christmas” by Killy the Kid allows her to give to him (It was on his wishlist!). Jazzy garage you can dance (limp?) to.

Christmas List: item nineteen (sex object) (BLUE ALERT)

O Lonelyhearts, all you need is a touch of affection… or cheap anonymous sex. Women’s favors as gifts! The idea!!

Mr. Wompy car karaokes “I Want a Blow-Up Doll for Christmas.” He appears to be mocking the melody, but it’s all in fun ‘cuz that’s his sense o’ humor!

Robert Lund mashes up kid song with adult themes (tradition!) with Chelsi Stahr singing “I Want Some Plastic Surgery for Christmas” lip synced here by some tramp wanna be. Classy wig!

Virginia Kegel adds to the dignity deficit with her “I Want a Boob Job for Christmas.” It’s a show stopping top dropping number.

How much lower can we go? Trailer trash low! Scuzz Twittly has a cottage industry in down home humor. His pretend holiday album ad features “I Want a Hooker for Christmas.” You almost believe him.

Just pop country comes August Campbell with “I Want a Hooker for Christmas” full of tips and ideas for those hard-to-buy-fors.

Christmas List: item two [BLUE ALERT] (anti-gravity gold boots)

Mo’ Midwestern guys, mo’ funny rap.

Not so much wink this time, hardcore The Basement Boys want to fit as much swag into garbled fast talk as they can. They want man-stuff and they want it now.

[For a hilarious version of awkward rap, Rappy McRapperson was tagged last Christmas by me singing one of my favorite grabby numbers: “Gimme Stuff.”  Damn that’s funny.]