BLUE ALERT Corey Taylor of the extremely discourteous Slipknot poses an if-then antecedent-consequent in his surprisingly singable “XM@$.” Many forms of intoxication are equated with many forms of this holiday. CT needs relief from them all.
Also sprightly suggesting an alternative to Mass, Zax Vandal posits “Drunk on Christmas Cheer” to those who wish to know. Rockin’.
Red Alert slurs and gargles their “Having a Drunken Christmas” like they’re in the midst of muddleheadedness. But it’s a party plan for meeting the holidays head down. For those who like their punk over orchestrated.
Promises of bottomless bottle tipping may be a cry for help, or a comic reflection of our denial of a serious social problem. But gotta sing about it.
BLUE ALERT Killfuck rap out their disappointment with traditional holiday observations and figure a “Drunk Christmas” is enough to dump on the tree skirt. It’s angry, but not drunk angry. I read present envy.
Also fed up with the bourgeoisie are Tribe of the Vague offering “Drunk for Christmas” as a reasonable reaction to the mercantile madnes. It’s UK pop flipped on its arse and fondled with boyish tomfoolery.
Gaz Brookfield keeps us ‘cross the pond for his “Getting Drunk for Christmas.” He makes it sound like a fun party for him and the mates with a bouncy rock: 1 part garage, 2 parts alt, 1/2 part folk.
All those songs about alcoholic drinks remind us that Christmastime is about celebrating full out, red solo cups tipped to the ceiling, regrets solidifying while inhibitions melt. And i wouldn’t spend so much time on the subject if there weren’t so many songs about it. Originally i figured about to offer you a month of half drunk Christmas songs and half stoned Christmas songs, but we can’t stop composing ourselves in re alcoholism. So let’s indulge in a fun bit of slang to denote each entry (alphabetical, natch from about right to zozzled) but we’ll be climbing the stages of toasting to tipsy to totaled to a friend of Bill’s to hungover to rehab, while also slipping in some drunk daddies, Santies, Jesuses, and maybe Rudolph or someone else. Damn son, i need as shower already and i hain’t even started.
One of the easiest targets, songsmiths–i’m talking to you, is parodying ‘I’ll be Home for Christmas.’ And while Harold Swords fulfills the comedy needs of the few with “I’ll be Drunk for Christmas,” we can do better–like smurfswacker’s entry which splashes in a dash of class. Or Hilary who throws her diva range all over her take off (warning: karaoke soundtrack/no picture).
Face it, most of this stuff is going to be low brow hollering fun: Zach Smith plays BLUE ALERTadolescent humor to a pretty folk echo in “I’ll be Drunk This Christmas.” Funny.
Peter and the Test tube Babies also scream “I’m Getting Pissed for Christmas” a la punk. But it’s just one more day of sucking it down.
But Curt Brash poses “I’ll be Drunk for Christmas” with jazzy scat and cool lackadaisicality. It’s barfly Tom Waits, or–you know–Tom Waits.
Then comes the garage gentleness from The Blood Moons, which turns their “I’ll be Drunk for Christmas” into a bar band anthem that sells this sad sentiment. It’s morose and hopeless but you can dance to it.
‘Nog, like fruitcake, can be mere allusion to crappy Christmas property. Never had some? Who cares! It’s a quick reference to stupid adulthood–HA HA HA HA.
Sadly, some songs check the old eggnog box without any development. These can be fine Xmas tributes (ironic, sardonic, euphonic), but as salutes to sustenance–meh.
First Aid Kit chastises you nasty yulers with the garage rock manifesto “Do You Smell Eggnog?” Not so much about drink as about sin. Images of debauchery and sexual violence for the kiddies.
The Casual (featuring Ricky Armellino) tell an emo tale of Christmas miscommunication which hardly ever mentions “Eggnog.” It does BLUE ALERT defend LGBQT individuals angrily. And musically.
Julia Francis and Susan McIntyre perform a one-minute song in a one-minute song festival out of Seattle. “The Eggnog Song” is full of aphorism and attitude and touches on eggnog in a folk rock girl power aside.
Girl punk obscures just about everything in Electrocutes’ “Eggnog.” ‘Mnot sure if eggnog is sampled at all in this anger-chant. Pogo.
Caroline Schiff returns us to pretty prim poetry. Her “We’re Out of Eggnog” addresses bourgeois problems of this time of year, including i guess the ‘nog. Call me a sucker for mandolin tinkling, and a happy ending.
Many jazz noodlers have their own instrumental background music for the holidays entitled Eggnog for no particular reason, but Birmingham’s own, The Twang, have a nice number interrupted with the title (a la ‘Tequila’ or ‘Wipeout’) for a not ‘nog significant, but otherwise musically meritorious melody. Mm!
Me likee Richard Cummins singing coffeehouse morose about the holidays in “Egg Nog (The Norman Rockwell Mix).” It’s folk rock celebration with side eye.
It’s a drinking theme; it’s Xmas; it’s novelty songs here at parody palace… who did you think was going to happen?! Perhaps a pop song parody?
A bunch of college bros got together and flipped Kendrick Lamar’s ‘Swimming Pools (Drank)’ with their own “Christmas Pools (Nog)” which only shows to go ya that this dairy product is selective, seductive, and addictive. Down the hiphop hatch, batch-head.
Just as odd, BLUE ALERT, ‘Jin & Juice’ by the estimable Snoop Dogg gets a twist by Chad Carman with “Eggnog N’ Gifts.” And my mind on my presents, and my presents on my mind. FM morning show fertilizer, folks.
Eggnog is just another easy funny substitute, like the word pants in any Star Wars line. Some parodies, like Kelis’ ‘Milkshake’s moronic falsetto fake-out by NFFD productions “My Eggnog Brings All the Boys to the Ramp.” Don’t. Just don’t.
So, what’s it going to be, buttermilk? Well, try on some Gastronomical Unit! More college boys who really put the extras credit effort into novelty Christmas music throughout the ’90s. Today you may enroll in their Holiday Feast collections–worth it! If “Eggnog #5” doesn’t Lou Bega convince you (with a recipe), then savor homage to Depeche Mode: “Tainted Eggnog.” That’s pure parody power, pal.
While unrecognizably mutated beyond its Italian heritage, pizza is fine anytime. Even Christmas time.
Sadly, ‘Ding, Fries are Done’ is so far-ranging in comedy importance it has been pasted onto other foods as in “Marco’s Pizza Christmas Song.” Well, okay fine.
BLUE ALERT Pizzacat also attempts humor synthing a riff on Run DMC with “Pizza Xmas.” Was i wrong to spend a day on Christmas with Pizza?!
The Breakfast Kids fill our dietary requirements with a heartfelt rehearsal of “All I Want for Christmas (Pizza).” Yeah, they’re off key, but they’re on youtube. That’s cool with me. (Pizza is totally post script in this love song, but i got a blog to stuff the crust of.)
Oh, now I get it! “No One Wants a Pizza on Christmas Day!” Connor Ratliff and Mikey Erg slice off a piece of fine folk for the real meaning of Christmas pie. Sad, but greasy.
Popcorn can be one fun edible decoration. Eat one, string one! The ratatat birth, the steamy smell, the crunchy/melty dichotomy of texture; this is truly an American treat. (I tried to score some while abroad in Denmark one time. It was in an ‘exotics’ corner of the food mart.)
T.Sex hollers his folk/blues about his broken-hearted Christmas misery in “Popcorn Tin.” BLUE ALERT He’s using popcorn as a weapon here. I wish him the buttery best.
Robin Zaruba sweetens the pop with “Tootsie Pops and Popcorn.” Hey, Christ is popcorn! Pop gospel here will teach you why. Wait, does that mean God endorses Tootsie Roll candies™?
Merle Haggard brings that heartwarming homestead pickin’ and grinnin’ to his list of holiday homilies “Santa Claus and Popcorn.” Popcorn is mixed in there somewhere.
We were talking about fries the other day and i shoulda mentioned tuberous growths as a fine winter-time repast, ‘cuz they keep in the root cellar so long.
Nickelodeon’s Game Shakers cable show has a song about the “Reggae Potato Christmas.” It furthers the plot about 12-year-old video game millionaires and their shaky alliance with litigious rappers… or it just sets the black guy on fire. Something like that.
Slightly more authentic is the blues number “Cold Potatoes,” celebrating the best Half Deaf Clatch’s mam could do for the poverty-laden holidays.
Parry Gripp has figured out the formula for the classic novelty Christmas song: one parts odd, two parts odd. “Roy the Christmas Potato” helps Santa (spoiler alert) without being eaten. Bouncy childish fun.
No time for that banquet? Fast food for Christmas, baby.
The Fast Food Rockers don’t actually sing about fast food in their song “The Fat Food song (Festive Edition).” The original is the old camp song about the Bell, KFC, and Mickey Ds. This mentions turkey, but envelopes you in a hysterical hyperactive British shock treatment.
The seminal sensation in greasy high mass foods is “Ding, Fries are Done” originally from the Robert Lund album Elves Gone Wild 2003. While there have been so-called “ghetto” versions [BLEEPED BLUE ALERT], and “rap” take-offs, and even an “old world carolers” bit, the world knows this from the Family Guy show.
For those of you easily bored, bread becomes a vehicle for meat and cheese delivery, a la the sandwich. Christmas sandwiches may not have much of a following… yet.
The Chris Gethard Show has celebrated ‘Sandwich Night’ for many years, and even goes so far as to compare it to the Yuletide. BLUE ALERT their “F*@k Christmas, I Wish It was Sandwich Night” is bellicose, but uses condiments. It’s a bit like ADHD filk singing.
Angry head banging from Metal Lunch celebrating in their own “Christmas Sandwich” way. It chokes me out.
A bit off topic, The Beacon Baptist Bahamanians mounted a holiday musical A Peanut Butter Christmas, featuring wishful Christmas targets like “A Peanut Butter Sandwich.” Kid fun–happy and in tune. Kudos.
Christopher Dennis is a bit more reverent with “The Christmas Sandwich Song,” a tale of the old world and this family’s labor of love. My, that’s tasty balladeering!
