Yuletide: Cruise Enthuse

A commercial for the service, “I Want to Book a Brand New Cruise for Christmas” parodies ‘Hippopotamus.’ The Cruise World shines up this vacay mainstay with energy, but not much imagination.

Shouting the title over and over, Christmas! advises “Christmas Cruise” at least for the sexual freedom.

Laughing at YOU, Kent Goodson and Michael Panasuk calypso-ize and rhapsodize in “Cruisin’ for Christmas.” They list what they’ll do for fun that you won’t.

Wayne Pascall A Cappella has more specific destinations in mind with their calypso (lotsa beatboxing) “Christmas Caribbean Cruise.” Translators are standing by.

Tangentially, Judy Blank would rather have a “California Christmas” than a messy ol’ wintry one (y’know, the ‘Dreaming of’ kind). I’d rather learn to surf and sail a cruise she pop croons with no little talent.

More destination-oriented, Aubrey Wollett’s “Sandy Christmas” uses funky country to paint an idyllic pic: You can be on a boat, or lay on a pool float, Sipping on chocolate martinis with candy canes. Sounds relaxing.

Yuletide: Cruise Amuse

Some people like a getaway for the holidays. Remote cabin in the woods may not appeal like an oceanic runaround, though. Hence, the Christmas Cruise.

The kiddo version of this is from the musical ‘A Children’s Christmas Musical Journey.’ “The Hallelujah Christmas Cruise” by The Hallelujah Chorus is bouncy yet measured fun. Doesn’t cut loose, but doesn’t kneel and pray either.

Todd Sparks has the adult concept well in hand. Not only does “Christmas Cruise” simplify this transaction into leaving the winter behind and heading to the steel drum band, but also his dad-rock is as good as any boat band tribute. (By that i mean merely okay.)

Overplaying those steel drums comes Robert Akers asking with island pop for Santa to give him a “Cruise for Christmas.” No snow shoveling… margaritas instead! This stuff writes itself. (At least something should.)

Lawndry has a dream-like psychedelic little ditty in their “Christmas Cruise.” Lots of Jews (for the rhyme), but also a bit sinister. I like it.

Yuletide: Tight Quarters

Is a boat the perfect place to party, or just another place to party? For Christmas, i mean. Or not.

Party the Hut & Friends chants out “Christmas on a Boat” like the party is in military formations. Swinging jazz rock.

Mark & The Mongrels reveal “Christmas on a Yacht” is an ideal never to be missed. They missed it. Indie mopeyness.

Time for a ‘Banana Boat’ parody! “A Latke Boat Song” from Merkel & The Merkelettes makes the holiday party a bit of a drudge. It happens. Drei-del!

Yuletide: Buoyed by Love

Love Boat, y’all. It’s the holidays!

R – Dot uses the metaphors like a rapper in his “Christmas Lap Dance.” He asks, he gets, but the rules are clear: Ima′ let her drive the boat but I′m the captain! Naughty Xmas.

Daniel Silverman has only one item on “My Christmas Wish“: you. But this amateur nasal rocking is boyishly charming in its earnestness. Sail away with him girl.

Ronson Kwan’s “Christmas in July” is more studio sophisticated, but its slickness is suspicious. It’s Autumn, it’s Christmas, it’s July… As I sail across the sea of summer days I search the space, the empty arid sky For the memory of autumn rain. Could be love… Poets and madmen, am i right? Pretty indie pop.

The Waitresses made a novelty splash in the early ’80s with “Christmas Wrapping,” which is as hip hop as ‘The Star Spangled Banner.’ But this missed cute couple don’t go out to lunch, or meet at his boat, or trick-or-treat together. The seasons pass until they are fated to cross paths at Christmas. Jazzy club rock.

Yuletide: Hull in a Handbasket

Want a boat? Build it yourself! For Christmas!

Hawksley Workman plans to “Build a House or Maybe a Boat.” It’ll be ready by Xmas. It rides like a showtune, but it’s pure lounge blues. Wild.

Lukas Graham sings about that boat you built but never got to sail. It becomes a big deal, because you are no longer “Here (For Christmas).” Pop about loss.

Or just act like it–Mikael Englund and Árpád Solti get full on musical theater with “Times of Joy, Dreams Ahoy!” Free, happy, skating, giving… it’s all patter building to shout out that final nautical send off.

Yuletide: Boat Show

Toy boat? How ’bout a beaut of a boat? Is that TOO much?

Paul and Tom’s ‘Holiday Spunktacular Podcast for December 13th, 2017’ from their podcast Hometown Sounds begins with Andrew Grossman’s band The North Country recording of “Don’t Shop Just Love.” This noted socialist doesn’t want a U-Boot, just warmth. So, no boat. (Continue listening to the podcast as you please. It’s okay.)

Unkle Funkle also disapproves of Xmas excess: I don’t need a car or boat or brand new skis; I don’t want a diamond ring or any of these–I just need a little Christmas romance, please!I Want a Kiss from Santa” he funk-raps. That’s enough… for the lonely.

In the most aggro ship-hating, SHeDAISY (feat. Rascal Flats) gives away and burns your stuff (including sinking your Bass boat) so you’ll have more time for her. As a Christmas gift! “Twist of the Magi” is a pop country back-and-forth of fun.

[Repeat offender Amanda Shires brings back the actual want of a boat, and a pony, and a plane–anything but you! You she wants “Gone for Christmas.” Groovy blues.]

Crazy Kuzins want a ship and a skipper in their “Warning… Crazy Christmas List.” ‘Course they also kid-rap how they want a really smart newt to compute square roots, a mosquito burrito for my pet bat, pat, and a bowl of potpourri. So, no limits.

Yuletide: Toyboat Toyboat Toyboat

Boats can be gifts for Xmas.

Christmas Oranges & Sunk Submarines” is Buttonfly’s plea to stay home for the holidays and not see all the extended family with the baby. Gentle indie folk that bleeds the blues all over the tub toys.

Curly head dolls that toddle and coo, Elephants, boats, and kiddie cars too are just some of the booty you’ll see when “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” Not every version bothers with these carrots, preferring to terrify you instead with the stick of his seeing of you when you’re sleeping. Try Gastronomical Unit’s re-imaging.

The elf who DOESN’T get to make the toy boats is pretty pissed BLUE ALERT in Tessa Barcelo’s ‘Toyland’ musical. “Merry Christmas for Today” is a mad lyrical rap from Hanna Bielawa who is not satisfied on the shelf. Frantic and antic.

Yuletide: Ferry Tales

Some people commute by boat. Sound fun? Smells terrible.

Hop Along” is a curse hurled at traveling. Yr Open Kitchen Window throws indie pop at all the poetical posings: And when you traveled for Christmas by the ferry Did they carve ‘happy’ or ‘merry’ into the granite? Curiously clubby.

More of an annual treat, Phil Ryder (feat. Olivia Barker) ferries to “Isle of Arran,” a hefty Scottish offshoot known for pretty scenery. This childish Celtic carol has that droll understating thing so you can’t tell if there’s any happiness to be had.

Peachy Keen also brings us kidsong twaddle in the form of “Christmas Eve in Sydney.” The ferries smile in sunshine! Well, it’s short.

We’ll just sail on, purrs Toni Braxton (feat. Shaggy) in their trip to have “Christmas in Jamaica.” R+B freestyling.

Just a few miles from L.A. begins Ron Bell with disco calypso to get to “Christmas on Catalina.” It’s an island. So there’s a boat to get there.

Even the ferry whistles chime in! soft rocks Jim Indell & The Indelibles with “Christmas on Staten Island.” Yeah!

Yuletide: Landlubbers

Not quite to sea yet.

Jebediah’s “Country Holiday Song” is a country banger about just hanging out. Maybe drive down to the pier, perhaps fish. Doesn’t seem to matter really.

Find me on a beach by the sea, Floating around, in a boat you and me, chortles Toni Das with some fine surf guitar in “Xmas by the Sea.” Tres relaxing.

Heartbroken at the navy pier at 3 A.M. Kill Hannah indies the rock in need of a “New Heart at Christmas.” That’s Christmas for you.

Brennen Leigh gets totally country with her drunkard other, listing out the inexcusable behavior–including rolling the car off the pier–to some fine honky tonkin’ guitar. “Merry Christmas Ashhole” says it all.

Yuletide: All Ashore

Most of human civilization began near waters. Food, drink, and eventually escape were at the opposable thumbtips. For novelty music purposes our holiday wetness mainly boards boats. It’s fun, a bit of a getaway. Unless it’s work; then it can kill ya. ‘Salso a grand metaphor. (Heavens ‘I Saw Three Ships (Come Sailing In)‘ is not about watercraft at Bethlehem–which had no seaport! Prolly the ships of the desert–camels–for the Magi.) So, just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale… or an odd song or two.

By inches, now. We begin at the launching point. Punters get a git traditional but with electronic guitars for the prettily paid “Christmas in the Harbour.” This may be home, with no intention of venturing. But it’s Irish.

Donna Lewis’s “Christmas Lights” may refer to harbor lights, or may just reflect on the seasonal ambience. Indie gymnastics.