Month: May 2019

ReduXmas: Drink Drunk Stunk

Got carried away with overindulgences here. So let’s combo!

There may still be chalkboard screeching like kwixotica’s “Have Yourself a Freshly Filled up Beer Glass,” but fortunately Jaymz Bee & The Royal Jelly Orchestra disco lounges you to raise a glass of love (his “Christmas Cocktail”) around the world. Smooth.

And, thanks be, Songs to Wear Pants To will shaggy doo wop out “Mimosa Christmas” to delight young and old.

That may excuse Jake Owen (ft. Parmalee) getting country funk with their lame jokey objectification and childishness due to “Christmas Spirits.” Tight pop, sloppy humanity.

The Dwarves turn the corner with hard-driving punk and “Drinking Up Christmas.” Fight’s coming!

From the other side hales Entenzahn playing ‘What Do Ye Do with a Drunken Sailor?’ instead offering up a “Drunken Santa.” Weird.

Thank Goodness for the slango jargonistic special code in songs so that Steven Courtney’s “Flat Zonked Jack” jazz rock can be enjoyed without being dissected as a drug fueled rant.

Or Holidelic, who flat out say drinking is catching up at the end of the year. “Down the Hatch” is funky, friendly, fondly filling up and filling in. (Xmas makes a brief appearance at the end.) Cheers.

Devastating Just Cause are just the boys to BLUE ALERT rap out “Drunk for the Holidays.” It’s their miserably angry jam.

Let’s peace out with the cautionary gentle folk of “Merry Weary” in which Ages is so tired about drugs.

The other lowly example of drug use for Xmas is the parody party from Slant 6 and the Jumpstarts with the Dylan chucklefest “Santa Claus Must be Stoned.” I need a little something to find this funny.

ReduXmas: Consume-mas Quantities

Eating may have been the original reason for the season. Making it to the snowy solstice was a milestone worth of a mini-feast. Planting season was on the home stretch!

“I Ate Too Much Over the Holidays” from Lee Shot Williams may confuse food with sex, but the silky R+B blues makes it go down smooth.

And it’s not always yummy! Dysfunctional Family Band observes “Santa was Eating the Christmas Tree.” Childish glee into pop music.. wha? it was a dream!

On the other big band, JD McPherson bemoans “Hey Skinny Santa!” This jazzy chant to eat eat eat would motivate any Father to fatten up.

Shark Uppercut to the rescue. “Ham City” is a rap-sterpiece of techno meat music. “Xmas Hams” from Jiggly Caliente (feat. ginger Minj) gets back on the ‘Jingle Bells’ craving jag. Many more foods get the call out. Whoo! Got the sweats.

The entire sweet potato casserole recipe is sung out with pop assuredness to Detox (feat. Mamatox) in “Homemade for the Holidays,” pop R+B disco.

Now a simple spread might begin with “Nuts & Eggs.” But Piedmont Songbag is peeved to the blues because this was the only present you got ’em! Not enough!

Fortress of Attitude ‘Dreidel’ us some “Bagel Bagel Bagel.” Yes, it goes on and on, but so does my chewing. Look out, ex-wife Shannon!

“Tamale Christmas” corridos up the southern specialty (Texan) from Joe ‘King’ Carrasco Y El Molino. It’s better background music than song.

Don’t leave! Still time to grab your “Christmas Tacos” with your bestest buds. Between Disasters tosses down a pop salsa party of minced portions. (I suspect this is for crashing and hangovers. But, still, yum.)

ReduXmas: Sweet Christmas!

No one probably got the Luke Cage reference for the theme title here, but the songs about chocolate, cookies, and LORDY fruitcake filled the counters to the brim. (Do counters have brims?) So many more!

Sugar AND spice? John Legend visited the Grammy-winning ‘Colbert Christmas’ special in 2008 with an ode to “Nutmeg.” R+B delicious. You’ll be happy that you ate it.

German regret runs you through killedbycandy’s alt garage “Cinnamon.” Reminds you of happier times, like before you heard this song.

Filling out the recipe, The Withers go pouty parody with “Gingerbread.” (Somehow Something Awful’s Kruxy & Paladinus of All-Rush Mixtape make this even worse with their overlong version.)

Not so sweet are Brian Kinder’s Grandma’s “Christmas Cookies.” Plain old children’s mush-ic.

Toys!? Candyband punks out “I Want a Big Fat Cookie for Christmas.” I’m not actually sure confectionaries are involved. Hmm.

Back to our regularly scheduled comedy. Conan O’Brien’s talk show on TBS exuded a holiday jingle “Minty the Candy Cane Who Fell on the Ground” back the first year (2010). It’s not pretty, it’s not edible, it IS retro ragtime jazz pop.

Farmer Jason brings us back to the real Christmas sweetie. “Eat Your Fruitcake” power rocks (kidestyle) the golden-nuggeted double entendre of clearing out the garbage/poop by downing this December dump inducer.

Busting out the Buddy Holly beat, Five Chinese Brothers add musical class to the old “The Fruitcake Song” joke. Regifting is so different than retweeting, don’cha know.

ReduXmas: Jeeze!

With all the great music out there for our holiday’s founder (CFO: Santa, natch), i attempted to collate honorariums with ironies about that baby. Great songs are harder to find. So let’s party like we don’t believe!

First off, “Jesus Christ! It’s Your Birthday Again” reminds Wendell Ferguson with comic country timing. But who’s counting?

“Jesus the Reindeer” by Emmy the Great and Tim Wheeler plays havoc with myth-understanding the reason for the trees and candy. Fun alt.

Kids say the darnedest things. The Creek Church out of nowhere Kentucky took what kids said and made a soul-filled noel to Jesus with “I’ve Seen a Turtle Barf.” You gotta. Just look.

And Ages lectures us that Jesus is the “Reason for the Season (You Dig?)” with their garage folk. Otherwise, it’d be Bhudda-mas or Mohammed-mas. Yeah. Not so, like, holy.

Steven Courtney, as JC, allows “Jesus is the Star” and asks for a candy bar. Crazy R+B pop.

Smoky country from Three Day Threshold & Summer Villains proclaims “The Ballad of Baby Jesus,” like he’s a cowboy or sumpin.

Celebrationally, Holidelic funk up the partay with “Nativitay.” Take notes, the whole, cool deal is dealt with.

Reverentially, American Mars pop folks “The Little Baby Jesus” with just the right amount of woo woo country train sounds ushering in the new born.

Best of parody: The Withers land their song about the highway to the “Manger Zone,” a tease of Kenny Loggins’s 1986 ‘Top Gun’ hit song. With guitar solo. And sass.

Oddest is Barnes and Barnes Sunday schooling “Jesus is Groovy.” Full of faux pas (‘never cross…’ ‘get behind me and help me sing this song…’ ‘he really turns me on…’).

I also enfolded the fam for the whole birthing scene. “Proud Mary” by Watkins and the Rapiers wonders what Mary’s take on the whole Advent was. Not a Tina Turner parody. Well, not actually. Kind of.

ReduXmas: Merry Mistletoe

Pucker up! Mistletoe songs are a dime a berry, but most are olden. Fewer newer.

And some just mention the weed. Tenth Avenue North’s “Mistletoe (The Christmas Sweater Song)” is about love, sweaters, waiting… and–maybe one kiss at the end. Alt makes it sound worth it, though.

Others play childish. Well, a childrens’ play. Okay, a movie about a Nativity pageant in a school. You got me, the SECOND SEQUEL of ‘Nativity’ (‘Nativity 3: Dude, Where’s My Donkey’) features “The Mistletoe Song,” a romp about embarrassing your peers. (There’s a fourth film, as well as an actual stage musical.) (But it’s all British so it won’t impact you so much.)

Or you might introduce the concept with elementary rock’n’roll by way of ‘Tannenbaum.’ Seriously. Joe Dowell plays kooky for the teens with “A Kiss for Christmas.” In German!

Others shorthand the growth to springboard parody. The Withers get textbook with their “Mistletoe.” You might learn something.

Or pucker up the funniness of mwah mwah mwah! “Christmas Kisses” from Red State Update may not namedrop mistletoe, but it has to get a spin here. Odd pop.

Or cut directly to the dirty deed–“Top Under the Mistletoe” from lil aaron just wants some. Direct light rap.

Then there’s the whole hog. Boot scootin’ pop country (with narrative bridges from Sally Struthers) finales the Lifetime Christmas movie ‘Christmas Harmony’ about a big-city girl who… who cares what it’s about? It’s formulaic! The song “Everything’s Gone Missing But the Mistletoe” chronicled by Kelley Jakle and Adam Mayfield reassures the audience that all you need is love, and basic cable.

ReduXmas: United We Christmas Tree Stand (BLUE ALERT)

My collection of Xmas (about USA) songs was a mishmash of odd references. Couldn’t tell if i was saluting or kneeling. (Aren’t those both reverential?)

Take Brian Kinder’s “Fruitcake” song that invokes the founding fathers. What in the name of children’s music is that?

The Hamilton parody on Rudolph was so good, Six13 returns with a Hanukkah Hamilton, entitled “A Hamilton Chanukah.” Tangentially American. Wait, The Maccabeats do this, too? Theirs is called “Hasmonean.”

Most of the down home corpone i shoveled out was about how much we miss our troops this time of year (Marc Sardou’s “Soldiers Christmas” and Dr. BLT’s “Daddy’s Gone off to War (On Christmas Day)“), or about how patriotic we can be (Carly Clo’s “Christmas Time in America“). Talented, but so oversentimental as to be boring.

Biting the hand, Johnny Setlist pushes 1st Amendment limits with a BLUE ALERT bit o’ the irony “Christmas in America (Every Single Day).” Folkabilly that hits that mandolin hard, mocking by protesting too much in honor of.

Just as funning, F. Lobot intones ‘The Night Before’ to the karaoke of ‘Star-Spangled’: Yes, it’s “The Star-Spangled Christmas Tree.” Stand up, godammit.

What i DID not pursue that first iteration was that political ping pong tournament of Dems v. Reps. You want that hairpulling, read whichever news appeals to you. But i have found an irreverent easy listening country piece about how both sides should get along for the holidays. It’s BLUE ALERT time, so take a tranq, get comfy, and listen patiently to Red State Update’s “Divided Nation Christmas.” (It’s like ten years old, so historical… and what’s the saying about tragedy + time = comedy…?)

ReduXmas: Listless

Many holiday songs that promote chuckles poke childish greed with a stick. A few are retweetable, but not just about the one thing you want.

For example, Gordy Pratt unpacks the problems with making your wishes clear to S.C. in “Clause.n.pole.com,” a childish bit o’ toffee.

The importance of the Xmas list is underlined by King Lou Fernandez (Something Awful) in “Secret Santa Jambawamba.” This bossa nova rap is experimental dream jazz (bowling alley, golf links sfx) that may scare you to the pen and paper.

Then there’s just “Gimme Christmas,” the punk-lite extravagance of MxPx. A planet, hey!

Existential angst plagues Jay Brannan with a supercool alt exploration of the meaning of the holiday with “Dear Santa.” He wants nothing (more than just to believe). Don’t forsake him, Big Guy!

Different landscapes, different lists. Sean Morey gets third world vs. suburbia (for The Bob & Tom Show) with “Dear Santa.” It’s funny ‘cuz it’s so tragic–and bluegrass.

The usual list reads YOU, BABY. Creeping out the concept, Shark Uppercut continues the experimental collection with “Christmas Presence.” The uncanny valley of romantic thought.

The usual comedy list reads “Cash Cash Cash,” as in the jumpin’ folk tune from Heywood Banks. Now that’s a funny guy.

Is it enough? “I Want a Million Dollars for Christmas” romp stomp The Andersons! with some fun alt energy.

Also–a girl! Pop rock this side of disco from Bey Ireland detailing “All I Want for Christmas is a Go-Go Girl.” She knocks him out.

(Or, a better girl. Jenny Talia vamps up ‘Hippopotamus’ with “I Want a New Set of Tits for Christmas.” It’s funny because it’s so horrible.)

And… drugs! lil aaron is on bended knee cuz’ he (feat. Goody Grace) says “All I Need” is a bag of weed. And a friend. And backup. Needy elctro rap.

‘Course the other funny routine is to ask for CHRISTMAS TO STOP! “Dwarven Dirge” from Piedmont Songbag is a curmudgeons’ lament that this noisy time of year is back. And ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO SHUT UP. For “All I Really Need” for Xmas for them, refer to the beer section… then some other odd stuff.

Less usual is the super specific weirdness of Watch Out for Rockets’s soft rock “All I Want for Christmas is the Criss Angel Platinum Magic Kit with Over 250 Magic Tricks.” Just get it for ‘im.

And then there’s the disappointment espoused by The Roundheads in their pop rock “All I Got for Christmas was a Brick.” What exactly did you ASK for? That magic trick kit?

The traditional straight-up letter to Santa comes unironically from Brian Kinder. “Dear Santa” is the children song of cowboy hopes and dreams. (Socks, no; guitar, yes.) Play along, kids. It’s fun

ReduXmas: Dance Like Santa’s Watching

Another sloppy category: a number of songs i used referenced the kind of music, which (for the kids) was the kind of response we might have spasmed to react to this or that genre. I had hoped to find a particular holiday step or routine with each number.

Rock, for example. “Santa’s Rocking Machine” is a great song from Watch Out for Rockets. But it’s rocking the rock, not walking the walk. Still great, just fudging the theme. (Now i can only think about fudgey themes.)

Wait, you thought Santa sambaed? “Santa said, ‘No Samba’” according to Jerry Becker. You might wanna warmup first. It’s pretty frisky; he’s going to change his mind.

What we really want is the latest holiday craze like Girls With Glasses counting out the “Itchy Sweater Shake.” Infectious pop, albeit short.

Where’s the rave tune?! V2A infects us with the “Christmas Day Virus” so that we must all da-da-da-dance!

Or, more basically, Red State Update calls out the moves for “Christmas Dance.” Shake it like you wrapped it. Rock pop. (Watch out for the fake out ending.)

Or, more childsihly, “Rocking Christmas Stockings” from the String Beans. Very easy beat. Very boring kid pop.

Or, more awfully, JossiRossi gives us Something Awful with “Sexy Christmas Dance.” It’s so bad, it’s actually bad.

Or, more ‘comically,’ BenDeLaCrème suggesting “The Nativity Twist.” Na nana na na, crazy little number! Follow that star now! Everybody donkey!

ReduXmas: Santa Jobs

Not sure i ever made this concept clear. What if Santa was ANYTHING else? Not the embodiment of largesse. Not the one-night wonder. What if he was a brother, a father, a lover, a criminal? what if he had ANY other job?

What would that be like anyway? Arrogant Worms wakes us up and looks us in the mirror and pop rocks “Oh God, I’m Santa Claus!” There for the grace of God….

“Santa Claus Wants to be a Rock Star” from Dr. BLT reimagines the old elf as a struttin’ strummin’ douche bag. Now you rockin’ see!

The Castle Arms go more alt with this theme in “Rock n Roll Santa.” Haunting.

Is he dropping out off-season? Bowling for Soup posits “Even Santa Needs a Break Sometimes.” Power rock pop to see his overworked point of view.

Maybe he was from poor beginnings? “Santa Had a Dream” is a marvel of folk country from Adolphe Adam chronicling the WV coal miner who wanted to fly with animals.

Dr. BLT (feat. Jerry Rothberg) also wonder if “Sometimes Even Santa Needs a Shrink.” Here, Mr. Claus is the everyman who demonstrates how normal seeking therapy must be. You can do it too now with talky folk instruction (and subliminal sax).

Is that him lying there all homeless and stuff? “Sidewalk Santa” is actually a date proposal to pick up some dead ringer. Matt Roach is so confusing but folk rock cool.

The poor guy’s a victim so often. Piedmont Songbag wants to know, What’s so sad as a “Santa on a Crying Jag“? Hawaiian blues that makes you think.

Then there’s the optical illusion of ALL those Santas. “The Santa Claus Parade” is that Dixieland influenced clap-along Watkins and the Rapiers nails so well.

Garrulous Gordy Pratt gets country talky with the terrific take-off “Take This Santa Suit and Shove It.” He’s done. Anything else but THAT gig.

Will he let us down? Barnes and Barnes try for a Tiny Time sound in their “Santa’s Gone on Strike.” The bastard!

A loser! “21st Century Santa” is on the unemployment line in the alt-lite folksy Matt Roach ode. He’s replaced by our indifference! and computers!

A bad guy! Santa as hard-ass enforcer leaps out of Dr. Duke Tomatoe’s “Look Out It’s Santa.” Retro rock with a bluesy crunch.

Perhaps a… monster? “Serial Santa” from Jmaq may just techno-terrify you.

We’ll take some time for name calling now that we’ve called him out. “Santa is an A**hole” calls out Erin McKeown with fun lilting cowboy rock.

ReduXmas: Toymakers Local 1224

Airing the grievances of subordinate Clauses led to many songs about how much these oompa-loompas like to slave away. I worry about the subtext for children to sing-along. So i made sure to insert surly, nasty, and violent songs about elves and their workshop. Politically speaking, this idea has legs.

First, some introductions: “Adam the Elf” is experimental concerto from Iline (Something Awful presentations). It’s that name repeated to medieval minstrelizations.

“Elvie the Elf” is a cornball country kiddies’ canticle by Billy Kringle. That’s the most deadpan ‘tee-hee-hee’ i’ve heard.

Ruby Rivers just refers to the overworked interchangeable mote as “Little Elf.” Jazzy sadness, but beautiful.

Now, some parodies: The Withers give us what we asked for, mocking Idol’s “Dancing with Myself’ in the form of “Dancing with my Elf.” Completely satisfactory. (Well, better than the Divinyls’s spoof “I Touch My Elf” from them.)

Drag queens Manila Luzon and Alaska Thunderfuck stomp through the show tune “Working Holiday” addressing the highs and lows of the craft concentration camp. Their harmony is labor-inducing.

The overthrow comes from Ivy Winters (the same album: Christmas Queens 2) in “Elfy Winters Night.” This is a power diva jazz manifesto, somehow ambiguously covering overwork and not enuf sex.

It’s gonna get CRAZY “When the Elf Comes to Town.” The Roundheads have warned us with their garage exultations.

Watkins and the Rapiers settle the negotiations with “Arise Ye North Pole Workers,” a hollering chant calling out the fat cat. This one goes out to my late father-in-law and surviving sister, shop stewards both.