Month: December 2018

Don We Now: SWEATERS!

Weirdly, that horrible knitted thing has a spell on you.

Gina Naomi Baez wants an “Ugly Christmas Sweater Party.” Pop soul for the puppies (!).

Loving that “Ugly Christmas Sweater,” The Withers sway and swoon with their new objet d’art, which may be made of twine or of pop music.

You know who really wants one? Hermione Crookshanks sings “The Sweater Song” about how Mrs. Weasley knits for Ron and Harry for Christmas… but what about the girl? Jazzy pop.

Fetishizing, The Benefit & The Chinese Fire Kites get aroused “(When You Wear) Your Christmas Sweater.” Punk driven pop fun.

Garth Brooks also does love that girl in “The Ugly Christmas Sweater.” She stands out, unlike his cookie cutter country claptrap.

Michael Flores loves that “Ugly Christmas Sweater” ‘cuz it’s ugly–i think. Home studio R+B cool pop.

Dude’s only friend is his top, so Jason Harwell is folky alt with his “Ode to a Christmas Sweater.” He’s talking to it. That’s not usual, is it?

Orange Para get all hypnagogic pop with their “Attractive Christmas Sweater.” The focus seems to be proximity to somone else warm, tho–

Don We Now: SWEATERS!!

The Christmas sweater may have begun with Andy Williams and his televised holiday specials, but the BBC co-opted Christmas jumpers through the ’80s. THE joke gift of the ’90s, the so-called ugly hand-crafted relative-bestowed woolly overdecorated pullover fell by the wayside, only to become an ironic champion to the millennials in the 2010s.

We’ll cover a few days with the lovely songs about them, from sweetest to sourest.

The Ghost Script (Matt Thompson) countdowns the traditions that make December Christmas. With blaring jazzy pop, he finds his “Favorite Christmas Sweater” and becomes the hero.

Hanson (grown up!) falls in love at first sight with “My Favorite Christmas Sweater.” Pop folk.

Noah Glenn is also in love. “Christmas Sweaters” are pop rock symptoms of that overweening force. He’s a goner.

“Sweater, What Could be Sweeter?” is the rhetorical jazz pop poser from Bilbo Kipler. It was the best thing ever.

You know what’s the best? Listen to “Ugly Christmas Sweater” arranged by Daniel Semsen and find out what orchestrated pop show tunes say are the best.

Lovely floating altrock lifts “My Favorite Christmas Sweater” from Isaac Romero to heavenly drug states. That sweater makes him feel good.

Don We Now: where’d i put that?

The thing about camouflge clothing–remember where you put it!

The sadness of serving is missing family, and some times are worse than others. So here comes country western to make you cry harder. (I’ve mentioned most of these afore.)

Let’s try “Camouflage and Christmas Lights” by someone new, the Duck Dynasty crew. Maudlin scene building of what it’s like over there with slow honky tonk.

Jenny Brown sings “Camouflage Christmas” missing her soldiering other. Tender country twanging, soaring angelic vocals. Gives the other boys jealousy.

Is this new? Michelle Lombardi pushes hard her “Christmas in Camouflage,” a pop country family sing-along. Slick sentiment.

Here’s one i know i haven’t mentioned: Slidawg & The Redneck Ramblers twist the sentiment to white trash comedy with a parody of ol’ yule ‘Blue Christmas’ into “Blue Camo Christmas.” Seems like ol’ Jethro was out inna woods huntin’ when he missed the holidays….

Don We Now: our self defined apparel

Cross dressing for Christmas has some small following.

Bob Rivers does a silly naughty bit, but i like the reimagining of (and new intro for) “Walking Round in Women’s Underwear” by The Stag Party Quartet a cappella. (You know what carol that’s from.)

Robert K Wolf also makes brazen his “Crossdressing for Christmas.” Smoky honky tonk blues, if you can believe that.

Cumberland Sausage Show claims to have caught Santa wearing Mother’s silkies in “Cross Dress Christmas.” Poppy show tune.

A Don’t Hug Me Christmas Carol updates the Dickens into Minnesota, but also allows for a woman ‘they call Bill’ singing about fashionable choices from “Deep in the CLoset.”

Don We Now: unmentionably

Underneath it all, we start the ensemble.

Courtney Stoddard has already described the “Mistletoe Bikini” of legend. Worth a second lick.

Considerably more family friendly, “Pink Panties, The Christmas Song” deals with presents (more later). Mark Scherbel spins a country tale of such decorous decorativeness, however, it must be visited here. Charming.

The best tribute to those novelty noel naughty underthings comes from Kacey Jones. Country comedy called “I’m Down to My Christmas Underwear” does not address that actual time of year, but the quandry concerning those things you won’t wear–ever.

Don We Now: casually

Time for Xmas bed? Dress down!

The Holderness Family’s Christmas letter from 2013 features “Xmas Jammies.” Pop hip hop. But too much personal stuff.

Rhett & Link (the powerhouse behind Good Mythical Morning–abbreviated as GMM–an American comedy/talk/variety YouTube series ) play funny folk (Flying Conchords influenced?) to relax you into “Christmas Sweatz.” Take it easy! (And dig their facial dress-up “Christmas Face” for what to wear when you’re trying TOO hard.) (Who can stop at just two? They’ve swapped heads for tails just last year with “Christmas Booty.” That’s gotta be the end!)

Don We Now: dressily

Not too many songs about wintry women’s wear (despite a half a song called “Song About a Christmas Dress” by Puppi, a puppeteer gang of mindtwisters), so i’ll settle for some near-misses of some quite listenable lullabies.

It’s a Cover Up techno pops a dance requirement with “Red Dress.” It’s on a Christmas album, so it should spin your next holiday bash. But, not so much with the season’s reasons.

It’s all sexy fashion for Melleefresh and Rik Assfalg, but the techno disco pop of “Red Leather Suit” drips of holiday hookups. Warning: it gets explicit.

Don We Now: what a dog does that a man steps into

Pants!

Undressing comes later, but 2 Live Jews tweak ‘Santa Coming to Town’ with decades old topical celebrity burns in “Don’t Get Caught With Your Pants Down.” (Heidi Fleiss, anyone?)

Mr. Weebl gets us back on trousers with “Christmas in My Pants.” Oh, that’s thinly tented euphemism for sexy times. Oh!

Bob Kulhan’s alter ego Bing Faithful group-raps “Christmas Hot Pants” to hot up the holidays. (It’s actually non-denominational–Wow.)

In order to dance, The Withers recommend you get on your “Christmas Pants.” Minimalist industrial experimental, just like the pants i’m wearing right now.

Don We Now: top that

60% of heat loss is out the top of your head! Watch out for chilly climes: top up!

Perhaps that’s why Beth Sorrentino adds the odd improvisational “My Hat” number on Suddenly, Tammy!’s Christmas album. Despite the falalas this bad date song isn’t 4 Xmas.

“Christmas in the Old Man’s Hat” is the busker’s cry for alms (you know: the goose is getting fat). From Noel McLoughlin, its Old World charm forces the entry to our listening now.

“The Murples’ Magic Hat (Best Christmas Gift Ever)” has crowned our list before. A Halo Called Fred pop tune us this sci-fi story about transporting chapeaus to remind us how mysterious hats can be.

So let’s finish with the odder Julie Michelsen “The Magic Cat’s Christmas Hat.” The slow feminist folk livens up later, but stays wiccanly strange. Eventually it epics up and makes us see beyond our little lives. (Tambourine timpani scat!)

Don We Now: accessories to the frost

What else can we deck you out with?

Conventionally, we bejewel to formalize the outfit. So we’ll allow The Christmas Pranksters to joke around with ‘Jolly old St. Nicholas’ to warn us of a “Big Fake Diamond Necklace.” It’ll turn your neck green!

But i still want you warm. If you will,follow me to the Bandcamp site to listen to “Mittens from Heaven” from tvallier. This electronic lite pop is worth the detour.

Vince Ah is provoking you with his cry to “Borrow Your Scarf.” Still, he cares for you this holiday what with his pop music and all.

Matt Swift unpluggedly rocks out the concern that you not be alone. He wishes you well and “Hats and Scarves” to keep you this Christmas.