Month: April 2017

Sweet Christmas! chocolate

 

Chocolate is a year ’round consideration and has no particular hold on the holidays. I’ve already noted young Charlie Trotter and “The Chocolate Christmas Song” taking a bite out of church. Teehee.

And not to get divisive, but i’ve also already alluded to Smooth – E with “Chocolate Coins” for that OTHER holiday. It’s their currency. (We could mention The Kiboomers with “Sweet Hanukkah Gelt” to ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.’ But we shouldn’t.) (Nor should we include Robot Chicken‘s “Hanukkah Gelt Rap” either.)

Devonly Voices also uses their devotional time to praise “All I Want for Christmas is a Box of Chocolates.” It’s all good harmony fun until someone loses a foot to diabetes.

Many kids are prodded into singing for their beans. Shera and Luke bring home their elementary school recital “I Want Chocolate in My Stocking for Christmas” and duo it for us. Good timing. Cute outfits. They seem nice.

Scottish teens noodling in the rumpus room claim to be Sexual Chocolate (the band) singing “Chocolate Christmas.” One feller seems to be playing the lighter. But they do soft rock crack themselves up. Good for’m.

More UK frolicsomeness from Happy Slappy Surprises. “Tastes Like Chocolate Christmas Spirit” celebrates all Xmas saccharine bits. But chocolate resonates resolutely with their jolly britrock rounds. And it only sounds like it’ll never end….

Trout Fishing brings big choco-joy with “Chocolate Christmas.” This wails, rocks, jives, and enrobes with runny brown yumminess. Got milk?

Sweet Christmas! candy canes 2

Well, the legend of the candy cane may be old, but it’s old school. Some 17th Century German priest may have solidified some sugar sticks for wee ones to stuff up their cry holes during Mass. But, at least he added a hook for to remind them of the crosier of shepherds’ staff with the crook at the end. Whether that means St. Nicholas or Jesus is moot, cause we have a whole lotta songs about the symbolism of the candy cane and the Savior.

Praise in Motion features children’s proselytization with simple wiggling movements to keep their tiny interests. “Candy Cane Song” is #63 out of 72 such pieces. But women with dead eyes singing about blood flavoring is not my first choice for introducing the innocent to candy.

Not just for kids! “Candy Cane” by Chris Maney is a modulated lesson is messiahology for those who like to find miracles in the mundane. Count the ways we can find Christ in candy and rejoice. (Or be troubled in how white means without sin… hmm, makes me wonder….)

Very similarly, TJ McCloud goes twangy country with “Candy Cane.” This splash of churchy fun appears uncredited on a few albums, it’s free advice. And he allows you might want to eat the thing.

Last word from Surf Nazis. “Jesus was a Candy Cane” applies all our previous lessons but reminding us to lick the stick, well, the symbology changes. Warn the kids.

 

Sweet Christmas! candy canes 1

A peppermint stick with a handle is your Christmas constant: the candy cane.

It’s been a symbol of the holiday for centuries, so The Kiboomers have a counting game for you little ones. “Five Candy Canes” has less over emoted condescension and more happy for candy singing than most children’s tunes. I give it five candy canes.

Laurie Berken has a sugar/drug-induced vision in “Candy Cane Jane.” Not strictly Christmastide, but wintery nonetheless. Suh-weet.

Plank Road Publishing, natch, has songs for kids to sing at the third-grade assembly about non-secular Advent-ures. “Peppermint Candy Cane” takes the low road to kids’ music with its repetitive, moronic, mish mash of melodic metaphors.

Some mock the easy target of easily identifiable holiday props. Jackisanerd glibly improvs fractions of xmas songs each year into 3-minute ADHD compilations. Last year he extended his “Candy Cane” song into a full version. Yule B Sorry.

Let’s pick up the honorable mantle of popular music now. Little Feat’s Lowell George has an Invasion-flavored song from 1993 that might move you: “Candy Cane Madness” plays with the sweetie like a twirly toy and spins you across the candy counter.

Darius Rucker warms up soft country like peppermint cocoa with “Candy Cane Christmas,” alliteration after my own aorta. It smells of big band, but tastes of easy listening.

Billy’s Pop presents Amo tainting party music with garage in his “Candy Cane.” Short and swell.

Ending with grunge, The White Stripes play “Candy Cane Children” like somebody’s listening. It’s a cautionary tale for angry tots.

Sweet Christmas! peppermint

Candy covers Christmas treats overall. But peppermint gets special attention about now.

Owl City graduates out of Disney pop and approaches alt light with “Peppermint Winter.” It’s fun, then emo, then pop, then rock. Multi-flavored! [But this Adam Young guy has the worst management; this song is included in dozens of cheapie compilations with no credit to the Minnesota electronic wizard.]

Full alt hails from These Are Waves with “Peppermint (The Christmas Song).” It strums through millennial feelings, which can get so complicated this time of year.

College band Ormsby comes to us care of Youtube with “Arsenic & Peppermint.” It’s a good ol’ college try, heavy on the tambourine.

Too many songs piggyback onto the topic with place names that include peppermint. But have to give a moment to Bobby Vinton’s “Peppermint Stick Parade.” It’s jolly and… well musically it’s not much. But it’s jolly.

Also tangential, The Lennon Sisters take a Lawrence Welk break to tell us the tale of “Peppy the Peppermint Bear.” I woulda thought Santa’d’ve more standards than to let an ursine mix the sweets.

The American Song-Poem album really takes it away with the peppermint song possibilities, re: “Christmas Treat, Peppermint” by The Sisterhood.

Outstanding in its own field, Randall Reed with the Forerunners run from reason with “The Peppermint Stick Man.” If ever a Stephen King suggestion flew out of a Christmas song, this would be it. Don’t take my word for it, allow Avoicecrying33 to set up this masterpiece in his own ineffable way (& he takes a minute to get going).

Sweet Christmas! candy 5

The downside of candy for the holidays is intestinal distress, crashing depression, diabetes, and existential malaise. Don’t overdo!

Promising second stringer, Bob Cleghorn, delivers us a prison paean about how there won’t be “No Candy this Christmas.” This tinkly children’s country chorus is clever and fun, but–well, you tell me. Is it a cautionary tale or a sweet nightmare?

In “I Won’t Let You Lick My Candy Bar” Tim Dinkins expresses the old CW power one child has over the other with a sweet treat. But c’mon, that other child punched a dog! Good lord, no candy for him!

Sweet Christmas! candy 4

Scary adults flouncing around singing about Christmas candy–probably full of drunkenness–should frighten a child. But it is candy from not so strange authoritarian figures… so let’s go for it.

Stephanie Sayers dreamily reflects on love (not for baby j) by comparing it to a “Candy Fisted Christmas.” Bittersweet, or at least heartbreakingly treacly.

Breatlessly Angela DiCarlo belts out a musical number “Christmas Candy” in a production of ‘Candy & Chaos: Chicken in the Snow.’ Find me a ticket post the hell haste. This is not for children, friends.

Okay, huh? Peoples gots too much free time on their hands… DJ Firth took the karaoke of Wham!s ‘Last Christmas’ and sandwiched 50 Cent’s ‘Candy Shop‘ into euphemistic naughtiness. I don’t know what to tell you.

Tech minimalism from Manel Diaz barely registers as an Xmas song. But, if you insist on listening, “Christmas Candy” will reward you with basal beats and wintery warnings.

Feature the barfing noises in The Hot Buttered Elves’ “Santa’s Candy.” It’s loud, discordant, and instructive. Not the funny kind of lesson, kids.

Sweet Christmas! candy 3

Yeah, there are gonna be some condescending tunes here; adults really like lisping and stuttering and speaking with ersatz brain damage to mimic kids–it’s so fun!

Perhaps Fern’s warble is old age creeping in. But her “Christmas Candy” whispers tremulously with school marm sternness that suggests it’s okay, just this once, to binge on sugar.

Phil Coley is the traditional kids’ singer with his slow, monotonous, sing-song doggerel. Hey, it’s catchy. And there’s hairdo mayhem.

Sweet Christmas! candy 2

1960s children’s jazz for Christmas! Huzzah!

Five Christmas compilations from Peter Pan records proclaimed to be Snoopy’s Christmas album from 1968 to 1972. No artists are accredited, but they usually got labelled Peppermint Kandy Kids or some such moniker. From 1970 and 1972, here is “Christmas Candy.” Stay tuned for the music to switch from good for you light operetta to swingin’ bossa nova. Grue-veigh.

1950 children’s music for Christmas! More loud cheers!

Jimmy Wakely is one of the last singing cowboys. Margaret Whiting hit big in the ’40s with ‘That Old Black Magic,’ and ‘Moonlight in Vermont.’ She was slightly more famous, her dad wrote ‘On the Good Ship Lollipop.’ But together they hit big in ’49 with the country tune ‘Slippin’ Around.’ Here is “Christmas Candy” by them together–so full of molasses that toys don’t even matter!

Sweet Christmas! candy 1

One sledgehammer of a candied Christmas carol is “Hard Candy Christmas” by Dolly Parton. Yes life is mean and your independence and identity are important. Country values. (It’s even featured on ‘The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas’ soundtrack.) Hence the numerous covers by Reba McIntrie, Kelly Clarkson, Carter Sampson, Cyndi Lauper (!) (or Cyndi paired with Alison Krauss) (or paired with Dolly), and RuPaul (?!). Skip those and trip to the melted deejay mix by Myntee from one of those hell-yeah Reindeer Room albums. Mmm-mm.

But if you’ve come around lookin’ for some holiday country thoughtful love song, let’s meet T J Murr , the Okie Hobo. “Pretty Christmas Candy” metaphorizes the sticky treat into… wait for it, a pretty girl. It’s honky tonk, but family friendly–i promise!

Sweet Christmas! potpourri

Christmas may celebrate our ability to suffer through a long frosty time of no crops. To keep starvation rationing of moldering supplies from becoming monotonous, a festive binge half-way through lightens the longing. 12/25 ought to do it.

Now, chowing down and hossanahing Christ may seem dissimilar means to an end, but after weeks of deprivation a sudden mouthful of monosaccharides might move you to ejaculate an ecclesiastical exhortation or (OMG!) two.

So let’s explore the candy-coated side of the holidays this month. Lots of songs sample the suckers, chockies, pies, and cakes (yes, even minced and fruit). (We’ll get to actual Xmas victuals next month). So, insulate me with insulin, i’m going in!

Most of us feel regretful after gleeful gluttony, however, so Bah and the Humbugs start with candy and cookies and  pie “What I Ate for My Christmas Vacation.” It doesn’t get better, but it does get sweeter.