Leo Yang does a piano bar whisper about being a child and kinda overdoing the Christmas morning with stockings in the bed, getting up at 7 to attack the boxes, and such. But “The Most Heavenly Christmas Gift” is some angelic house call. Dreamy. But scary.
It was 7 in the morning; I checked if he was snoring, claims Benjamin Rinartz (feat. Sai Crutchfield, Konner Remlinger & Tyler Wilson) after the garage rock reveal “Santa Ate My Brownie.” BLUE ALERT reactions ensue.
EXP recalls getting up at 5AM as a child, now UK-rapping during this decade, “Christmas at the 20 Summat,” he doesn’t want to get up with the nieces at 7AM… So I’m getting up to 7 presents, then I’m getting drunk–will be all that’ll happen. Why rush it?
“Christmas Morning” is the morning after for Fralphie Jenkins. BLUE ALERT though, ‘cuz he’s not a happy hangover kinda guy; despite saying: It’s 7 am, the Ubers outside, You guys take off, I’ll be alright. There’s trash, it’s a mess, he’s sodden… merry yeah.
Newland has naughty plans for his bae when he’ll be “Home for the Holidays.” I’ll pull up at the crib around seven, he raps expectantly. Be ready.
It’s seven o’ clock and I’m on my way Eating the miles down this highway croons Brian McKnight in the schlocky country tune “Christmas You and Me.” But then it’s eleven o’clock… and he’s not there yet. Don’t wait up, kids.
Admitting she’s late Cece Williams swans: Flight arrivals are a bit delayed; Party’s at 7 and I’m gonna late, Still a few more gifts to buy. Funky pop for “It’s Christmas” creates a somber yet elegant mood.
Eight was my favorite number as a kid or whenever someone would ask ‘What’s your favorite number?’ and i felt i had to come up with some kind of answer. Let’s explore its eight-ness to discover what that says about me.
Rap by committee from Jabez (feat. B. Wells, Magician G, Dek4y, Slikadaice, DaVan, Diizii & DefNOTBio), “8 G’s of Christmas” represents 12 G’s more than our featured number. This marathon places for perseverance, but the ‘message’ is all over the place. BLUE ALERT WTF
Much more fun is the rap “Christmas Bae” from Sora: Summer kiss under mistletoe–you are Christmas Bae, So cold you like ice, lemme do a figure eight. Young love can still blossom in the cold, in the beats.
Did you say figure 8? “The Dragon Sisters Holiday Special” from The Dragon Sisters raps out a flirty BLUE ALERT holiday come on: I gotta sexy ass body, I’m that figure 8 boss. Work it, dude.
Despite alcohol and weed, all that’s left for HeyMrNoOdLeS is “a sad christmas song” after you left and broke his heart. This BLUE ALERT alt pop is only music box sad, so no drastic hotline calls… yet. He does count up to 8.
We Like That use ‘Nutcracker’ to squeeze out the depressed “Home for Christmas.” This roller coaster of dysfunctional family fun spies out: My grandmother just gave my niece The ninth check of the day; And when my aunt found out She told her that she only gave her eight. But then the spier gets a bottle. Solid comedy.
Too much in his head, _patrickconnor applies his heavily orchestrated pop “Cynical Christmas Song” to itself. His meta-criticism goes like this: This song is the pinnacle of cynical devices That are present in the best Christmas tunes: Emotive chord-progression and a syncopated drone To get these feelings across to you, Eight-part harmonies, String-section bassline, descending… Excellent. No notes.
Hiding from Helicopters gets grrl kooky with “Bells.” This xylophone experimental pop takes poetry to the endtimes (Wait, are these the end times?) with lines like: Christmas is for hope And we left that in last year. Yet, we are encouraged to Light your pretty candles Light up 8 or 9, but only if you want. Hauntingly confusing.
8 reindeer? What if they get the flu? “Fly Possum Fly” is Grant Malory Smith (feat. EmiSunshine)’s bluegrass solution featuring critters (with 50 teeth in little mouths) who have eight, then six, then four, then two more hours to gitRdone. Wild stuff.
Kid stuff ready is VeggieTales with their famed “The 8 Polish Foods of Christmas.” This is polka ’12 Days’ with culinary edifying applied. Learn something. About meat.
Nathan Webb name checks a brand (Eating loads of cookies like they’re going out of fashion, Eating After Eights, yes please I’ll have the last one) while exploring the input/output math of “Christmas Farts.” This tootling Middle-Eastern rap rollicker makes a party game out of who dealt it.
Wild slide guitar takes “Cowgirl Mermaid Christmas” all over the range. It’s been eight long months of quarantine. So get ready for a ho ho hoe down. Yule haw.
Also marking time, Mirabelle Meek notes It’s been eight and a half months; It snowed when we fell in love, Now the crisp air’s back and it smells like you. “Yours This Christmas” is light pop that wafts above ordinary concerns to reach the heights of love.
Pulling a 180, Ants on a Log (feat. Billy Jonas) pop announce “I’m Not a Christmas Celebrator.” Instead of the 25th, they watch for dates like January 8th, National Bubble Bath Day. Plenty more holidays come up; you should join. in.
How far? “THE GRINCH” by Alexander Pielsticker (ft. Manny Houston) promises through instrumental rap that he’s not as scary as the guy from ‘8 Mile.’ So not that far.
I’m eight stories up… bury me six feet deep… Hishandsmilk (feat. Hashter) self degrades while bemoaning Rudolph’s outcast fate in “Have Christmas Without Me.” This is morose rap, so it trickles more than tom-toms.
Deseis is awakened Christmas Eve Night, but not by Santa. More cutesy rap revels in “The Night I Battled Krampus.” I mean he was eight feet tall without even tryin, but the showdown becomes a rap battle. Sick burns ensue.
As monstrous, BLUEALERT “Saint Dickolas” has eight inches as well as eight reindeer. And this chipmunk rap details how he’s using it. Pant, moan.
You know what should be eight feet tall? The tree from “Del Davis Tree Farm.” Follow along with the industrial (yet drawling) rap from Primus.
Or, the other kind of tree, the “Pringle Rothell Christmas Tree.” this turns out to be an 8 foot yucca on a barbed wire fence All dressed up in aluminum cans. Race Ricketts plays this unplugged folkish recitation for cultural significance.
Rocking his love, Crlo wants you to be his “Santa Baby.” He does promise to deck the halls with 8 inches of snow tonight. Hair metal sentiment.
Jeff Mac is far from where he loves. His peri-prog rocker “One More Step” poeticizes this trouble with similes about soldiering, weather, and pain. Still, gonna fight: One step at a time, Eight more makes nine…. Will he make it??
Painful childhood memories contribute to BLUE ALERT rap from Yabba in the syncopated “No Christmas.” So poor, there was no Christmas. Plus which, that’s Santa in blood; I’m killing them raindeers I don’t give a fuck As shot start to spray that 8 year old me. Hard times. Now she rich.
Goo Goo Dolls address the rockabilly to the naughtiest of eight year olds: “You Ain’t Gettin’ Nothin’.” Underage drinking, grand larceny, pet torture… i think 5 to ten would be more appropriate than nothin’. Super cool.
Matt Dorrien uses rose-colored glasses to “Sure Miss Those Days atChristmas.” Sure there was snow and tree shopping, but also Long ago when I was eight I can still remember My parents fought all holiday (All those broken dishes). Ironic easy listening pop.
Matthew West similarly asks Take me back to eight years old (These days Peace on Earth is hard to find). Strangely the pop “Hope of Christmas” is in simple prayer. Do eight-year-olds do it better?
Eight years old and in a wheelchair… in line to see Santa–holy cow! “Santa’s Prayer” by Doc Edwards and the Buffalo River Boys is a plodding country tear-jerker about the coma-bound trucker daddy. Holy Moley Cow!
Now a “Hat Made of Mistletoe” could be a creepy number, but Cody Johnson’s barn-burning fiddling and the childish revelation: Miss Darla, how you sparkle like a shiny new toy, And I know I’m just an eight year old lonesome cowboy leads us to be happy for the little entrepreneur. Yippee-kiss-ya.
Just as sure is the protagonist of Bruce Hornsby’s leader of the tree searching posse song: Such a strong boy could haggle too; Eight years old could arm wrestle you, Fast as a horse and slick as a snake; We’ll make it snappy and won’t be late. But this ragtime rocker becomes “Lost in the Snow,” and this little kid is dying…
We’ve listed/listened to quite a few Hanukkah novelties already. Do the overlooked ones characterize the number eight?! Jew bet! Jack Forman has an eight day mascot, the “Hanukktopus.” This kidsong of elevated molluscan irony is wonderful in sooo many ways. Well, okay, in eight ways.
Alt folk rock from Clean Plate Libretto delivers unto us the light holiday celebration “Best Time of the Year,” but–before you know it–Bright menorah, Eight days and nights, Burning candle lights, Awkward family fights. What holiday is this about? Black Friday? But it’s so pretty.
Caitlin Cook gets jazz lounge while comparing Chanukah and Christmas [Christmas lights?–We have some kickass candles that burn for eight straight nights] in “Let’s Celebrate Christmas.” It’s all for fun. And it IS fun.
Yael Karoly is more cheesy pop (and desperate) wanting you to be her Hanukkah gift this year: And no I can’t give you 12 days of Christmas but baby I’ll give you 8 rockin’ nights. “Very Merry Jewish Christmas” is more diplomatic than dishy, more crafted than crafty. Nice vocals.
Pitch perfect parody from Jake Novak, “The Jewish Christmas Song” takes ‘The Christmas Song’ and translates it note for note (Tiny tots giving dreidels a toss Will find it hard to sleep for eight long nights).
“Holiday (No Joy)” is the pessimistic approach to the awful winter days. No happy Hanukkah, 8 days, 8 nights, No Kwanzaa, nor Christmas tonight, mourn SPAZZ & The UnDead with willful pop music. Sorry!
The saccharine chaser comes from Josh Gad’s Olaf the snowman, who wants to know how everyone in a non-denominational Disney fantasy celebrates “That Time of Year.” (One response: Eight nights in a row we light menorahs on our mantels.) Bombastic show tune.
Less sweet, Ana Gasteyer belts out “In the Market for a Miracle” from ‘A Christmas Story, The Musical.’ (See, Ralphie is checking other holiday gifters to get his most wanted gift; the response begins, Livin’ it up for eight crazy nights, Boychik you wanna stick with me! But ends with You’ll shoot your eye out! Oy vey.)
Paul Toshner is “Coming Home” for Christmas, and yet: We light our lamps just 8 days, But ones enough Coming home for Christmas. Banging piano bar folk.
More awkwardly, Queen Elizabitch III (feat. MayTwentyTwo & Menorah Jones) altos the sweet pop ditty “Hanukkah in the City.” Eight nights of LEDs, kids get exploited singing songs of Maccabees. Still, it’s a love song.
BLUE ALERT!!! Dawgs on Campus rap about Hitler and pussy, but the big celebration is when “It’s Hanukkah in Cowtown“–Spin that fucking dreidel round 8 Whole nights, it’s goin’ down (wait, wait–apologies are included).
The pandemic resulted in new traditions, like: My best friend sits down at her table; We hit play at the same time To watch “Eight Crazy Nights, ” Like we did when we were kids. Kate Yeager’s “Holidays for One” is bittersweet R+B pop.
Sorry to say, Destiny’s Child cribs from ’12 Days’ for “8 Days of Christmas.” Among the R+B winning gifts they get are a back rub, a gift cert, and a poem. Guess there’s a Mercedes in there somewhere, too.
Joe Furey & Alex Quahurt lend rap some FM elegance in “I Wanna Do Christmas with You (Again).” Not without pain, however, as Dad’s absent–or is he Santa… but poor Santa: When you’re Santa Clause You’re forced to divorce from what was before For the Northern Pole, where the Christmas trolls Control my need to lead on all things Christmassy All hours a day eight days a week.
Quark Lepton is sad when it’s “Christmas in Space.” That’s ‘cuz you left him! That’s extra lonely. Since this maudlin pop is coated in country, he doesn’t take this dry: I got drunk the first eight days of Christmas With Unit Seven…. (Good stuff.)
It must be close to eight, Been awake since close to five joins the happy light pop of Common Jack’s “The Christmas Tree is Fake.” That’s not a bad thing, just a childhood memory.
What’s a Mrs. Claus to do? She left the ‘pole at a quarter to eight when Santa was riding his reindeer driven sleigh. “It’s Christmas Eve” by Slim Cat & Fisherman Joe is a slightly off rocker about annual misconduct. Boom chicka boom.
“Is It Almost Christmas” wonders Lizzy Hilliard in soaring, almost gospel tones. I need to sled and go to bed before the clock strikes eight, she dutifully points out. Endearing.
Waking up at eight to go to work… Can’t wait til’ it’s over ’cause it’s colder than hell. Hitrick & Brooks (feat. CJ Hughes) harmonize some white boy doo wop for “Go Away Snow.” They hate it. I love it.
The clock’s striking! Please meet me, dear, at eight P.M. and bring your “Christmas Kisses,” sings Marty Robbins with country rock tortured into easy listening hell.
More leery about being home for Christmas, Ralph Keefer doles out plaintive folk with “An Old Suitcase.” Leaving on Sunday, dinner at 8; It’s the red-eye special and he doesn’t want to be late–cuz he’s the daddy. Terrific horn solo.
Monochrome Tone mixes reverence with childish gags in “Christmas Time,” a chorale that mixes R+B pop with rap, squeaky with bass. Gonna sleep past eight….
Salt-N-Pepa update “Santa Baby” with the rap lyrics: Now all mase know When it’s eight twenty-four He be looking at the door for the ho ho ho. Necessary?
Welcome back, Arrogant Worms! “The Christmas Song” is beer barrel frenzied polka about THAT family at Christmastime (Police arrive just after eight). Duck!
All Brandt Paul Brandt paints a pedestrian picture [On the marquee sign at 5 and 9 The latest movie shows] the night “A Star is Born.” Fine fiddling in this country run-of-the-mill muddle.
Thomas Itty wishes us “Happy Holidays” for Christmas, Hanukkah [nine candles all told], Diwali, Kwanzaa, and even Festivus. It’s happy folk rock, so i’m good. In fact, excellent guitar work. Bravo.
“Christmas in the Tropics” seems blissful, but it can mess up your Santa-sense. Skye tells us with ukulele pop: I never seem to notice That fall passes by–Garlands and inflatables–Before November nine! She’ll figure it out.
See, from Canada you gots ta plan your travel: getting on those Dash 8s and DC 9s to be home for the holidays. Yeah, “They’ll Be on the Rock This Christmas” (Newfoundland, eh?)–but David Kai is staying in the factory and working overtime. So this is his sad pop song.
Gimson & dadbOdd have a message for you about your hypocrisy, ostentation, and condescension: they “Don’t Need That for Christmas.” Bopping BLUE ALERT rap that sees we’re Full of 9th step amends that I like to pretend we’re getting gifted. Judged!
Lauren Mayer’s “Nine Words” for a Jew to remember around Christmas are: They tried to kill us we survived, let’s eat! Revival music!
Celebrating the Something Awful production of their ninth compilation of truly strange Christmas songs, BSam intones Ho Ho Ho “It’s Christmas No. 9” for over ten minutes. (Expect psychedelic interruptions a la The Beatles.) You’re welcome.
How does a 9mm pistol get mixed up with the holidays? Welcome to the U S of A!
With ‘All I Want’ haunting us in the background, Kazekage borders on BLUE with the rap “Let It Snow.” This is Santakage with the nine, so pimpin’ and packin’.
Insane Clown Posse MANDATORY BLUE ALERT is mad at The Big Guy when they get nothing for Christmas. When they see him Leadin’ the parade I’m that sniper on the buildin’ Listen to my nine go click in “Santa’s a Fat Bitch.”
Nerfonator is in dire straits, unable to buy the daughter presents for Xmas. So, via rap, homicidal armed robbery ensues. But, caught and cornered: I just pick up the .9 Loading the clip one last time Point it to my mind with pride and–happy holiday endings! “Frostbite” is not everyone’s Xmas special. Leave it there.
“Sheriff Naomi vs El Bandito” (by the band ???) is a spoken word ode to a Wild West showdown (with wild recorder backdrop). On Christmas Day the bad guy threatens, Naomi, I gotta shoot you nine times. It doesn’t go as he’d hoped. (Cute as a school play, and i’m sorry i missed this for my 1883 entry.)