Manger Management: Feline Navidad

Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

So let’s make some fun of those rascally rat-catchers! While Garfield, Heathcliff, Sylvester, and Hobbes have no notable carols about themselves…Grumpy Cat (and friends) sing about the travails of being good for Santa in “It’s Hard to be a Cat at Christmas.” Since this is Friskies sponsored, mostly they are forbearing and petable. Yeah, right.

I can’t abide animal sounds morphed into words/carols to humorous effect (though i do own the albums). So let’s just say Talking Kitty Cat is passable while singing “I Don’t Give a Damn about Christmas.” The lengthy skit set up is somewhat helpful. I liked the song more.

Another previously famous cat, Stimpy, is terribly disgusting with his holiday rendition of “Cat Hairballs” to the tune of ‘Jingle Bells.’ Parts can be the worst.

More aggressively “The Kitty Ate the Tinsel On the Christmas Tree“–a confessional sung by the Marty Gold Children’s Chorus like they’re facing down a school auditorium full of beaming, filming parents. Seems like a self correcting problem, eventually.

Apocalyptically, “The Yule Cat” eats naughty children for Christmas. You may learn the legend and the dread courtesy of The Hull Soul Collective. Or you can garage rock to Mozart Rottweiler with Sinister Undertones also revelling in this Icelandic traditional saga.

Back home, Shorty ond Kodi get precious and mean (appropriately cat-like) with their “I’m Climbing up the Christmas Tree Neow” complete with dopily adorable videos and sfx.

Manger Management: kitty carols

More likely to knock over your tree and shred your stockings are our less domesticated pets: the felidae. Don’t scoff over-wearied youtube watchers, felines are serious matter all year, never more so than the holidays.

Stevecash83 “Christmas Kitty Song“is just as smugly annoying as cat owners but has a couple good lines.

The baby cats are playful and innocent and embody the Christmas spirit, so at times we may dance and frolic to the idea of “Kitty Cats’ Christmas” a la Leon Redbone. This is a good one, folks, so i recommend you lower the limbo pole and go to town here.

Cuddling wiff widdle furry balls of love should be tres sentimental, however, so let’s look at what the Whiskers Animal Benevolent League parodied out of ‘The Christmas Song’: “The Catmas Song.” Cure petlessness!

[And we’ve already referenced Ken Platt singing “Snowy the Christmas Kitten” from last 5/28… awwww.]

I know Egyptian mythology digs those crafty cats…  but Christianity? Observe the reverence with which Meryn sings “The Cat Carol.” Baw whunh boo hoo! It makes me all weepy! Good kitty!

With greater harmony comes greater symbolism: David Archuleta and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing “The Cat and the Mouse Carol” Holy cats! It’s a manger puss! Recite your cat-echism!

Manger Management: Dog the Halls

Puppies are not dogs. They are a completely different mindset. One type you would let romp through expensively wrapped gifts grinning, the other you would harness for the Iditarod to save lives.

Martin Metcalf and Gillian Brown murmur “Santa’s Dog” mistaking one of the reindeer for Santa’s best friend. That’s the Olive-problem. It happens.

Getting a dog for Christmas is perhaps more grown up than getting a puppy. So Tom Manche’s “Dog Christmas Song” is an adult advisory on the appropriateness of beating the void with a ‘friend for life.” Cha cha cha.

The 1948 version of that gift list sounds like Billy Mayo’s Orchestra and “I Want a Dog for Christmas.” Pardon the poor sound and the sniveling 3/4 of the way through (by way of narrative bridge).

Once we get into grown-up dogs we can get mean and nasty. Vinnie’s entry to some Worst Christmas Song Ever contest is “The Christmas Dog.” Holy crap.

Although dealing with puppy training, the responsibilities of cleaning up credentialize Cliff Berg’s “My Dog Just Shit Song (A Christmas Song).” Yeah, not much of a holiday number….

For a more seasonal parody, nothing beats Gary Gee with “Fleas on My Dog.” If you can’t guess the source material for the take-off, please listen: it’s pleasantly surprising. Although the slide show  is vertiginous and nauseating.

Best of Show is Eels laying into “Christmas is Going to the Dogs.” The tone is mongrel, the puns are dogged, the melody mangy–what fun!

Manger Management: Puppy Noel

So many songs about cutesy little fuzzy faces that i lack credits at times.

“I Want a Puppy for Christmas” is off a British cassette tape from 1992 entitled 20 Children’s Christmas Songs and Carols–so it’s pretty short.

At times stellar, unnamed talent makes it onto the kids’ records. “Pookie Doodle Puppy’s Christmas Party” is by Children’s Songs. But check out the range on that soprano! (Not the unfortunate slide whistle).

A saccharine favorite for elementary school pageants is “Polar Puppy.” I don’t want to know who does this. Take it away.

“The Christmas Puppy” is similarly adorbs, but i finally figured out it was recorded by Dudley Dogg Jr. Warning: sped up chipmunk voices.

Before we get too cool–watch out for overly sentimental pop like Gina Naomi Baez’s “Puppy for Christmas.” Too much! Too much!! Need snark!!!

[I’ve already referenced Red Buttons with “Bow Wow Wants a Boy for Christmas” and Linn Sheldon’s “Boofo Goes Where Santa Goes.” ]

I could have also noted Gene Autry’s “Poppy the Puppy.” Another attempt by the Singing’ Cowboy to be Xmas popular (not so successful this time).

See, retro rock likes little doggies: Adam Faith sings “Lonely Pup (in a Christmas Shop).” This seems to be on the outside lonelytimes looking in. Awww.

The Wiggles nudge old timey rock n roll as well with “Paw Paw Wags.” Honestly i’m not sure if a puppy is getting a child or a child is getting a puppy.

“Bobby Wants a Puppy Dog for Christmas” was made a hit by Merle Haggard and even recorded by The Wiggles. I like Bowling for Soup’s alt rock version.

Manger Management: Mixed Mammal Bag

We’ll get to the puppies, kitties, and cows in a bit. Let’s lump together the odds and ends of furry critters here.

Although the Red Cross loves ’em, i find Christmas seals daunting–they could drown ya or freeze ya. But Liz Anderson, The Fairy Grandmother, walks you through their features (strengths and shortcomings) in “Christopher the Christmas Seal“–even their flappers!

Honey Jean Bunch retros up the ante with “Whitey the Christmas Seal.” Tippetty tappety flippety flappety… try not to get all childlike with this drugged out tune.

Kristen Burkholder giggles through “Bunny Christmas Song” at some down home talent show. We all we wish we had close warm home holidays like we imagine rabbit families having.

If you’re not clear how cool the bunnies are then listen how “Rabbits Have a Christmas” by Linn Sheldon (a b-side from 1958… missed it before).

Based on the Teri Sloat children’s book Suzy Arnowitz again nails it with “Hark the Aarvark Angels Sing” –apparently to make sure your Christmas card is delivered on time. ‘Cause they alphabetize so well, you know, being first in the dictionary, and like that.

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Another late addition! Bah & The Humbugs have crafted a crawling, scratching rocker: “Here Comes Skunky Claws.” Smell that stocking!

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The Presidents of the United States of America have a fun alt rock time introducing us to “Christmas Piglet.” Who’s a cute swine?

What’s that crawling out of the canal! Benny Grunch & the Bunch get a little Zydeco with a new holiday mascot suggestion: “Norris the Nocturnal Nutria.” Cool… and eww.

Manger Management: Rodent Rites (5)

Christmas mice, rats… hmm, what else in the rodent line?

Oh yeah… chipmunks. Feh.

Not a fan of Christmas chipmunks. Not. I’ll let Bob Rivers make what fun he can with “The Twisted Chipmunk Song” paired with “Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire.”

What else…

The Caroleer Singers and Orchestra tootle out “A Squirrel’s Christmas Wish” as a PG version of the Over the Hedge character. It’s catchy. Squirrely even.

Winding up the most successful of the mammalian orders is “Earl the Squirrel,” an industrious winter wonder as sung by our friends to the North The Moffats. Nice one, kids.

Manger Management: Rodent Rites (4)

Rat’s right, there’s more to rodentia than mouse tidings.

Dr. and Mrs. Strangelove treble through their own “Oh Christmas Rat” which refreshingly involves bats as well.

BearRon gives us a brief “Rat Greetings” which seems to be a detail from a larger mixed-media opera. Promising…

Then there’s the rat for the season: The Rat King from Hoffman’s ‘Nutcracker.’ He gets a couple fun song productions in modern adaptations.

The House Theater of Chicago has a reimagined version of Steppenwolf Theater’s musical ‘Nutcracker.’ Kevin O’Donnell goes all Brechtian with his “Rat King’s Song.”

Some strange European movie company made an even stranger big action movie entitled ‘Nutcracker in 3-D’ in 2010. Tthis starred Elle Fanning and Nathan Lane and made a whole lotta Holocaust fun for Christmas. John Turturro does a brief song as the SS Rat King. Watch for the electrified Great White shark to get better.

Manger Management: Rodent Rites (3)

Some of these miracle and mouse-tery plays come on country strong. Randy Plummer for one is hacking on his axe for his ministries and passing the plate for “Squeaky the Christmas Mouse.” Worship on, bro.

Mellow FM country (with a smiling wink) comes from Ralph and Red and their “Wilbur the Christmas Mouse.” It’s half kids’ music and the lesson is hammered down hard. But the production values lift this up to humorous hymnal.

At times, we ironically applaud the awful merry mouse songs. This still raises them to odd pop levels. WXRT makes a fuss aboutr playing “The Christmas Mouse” only once a year, advance-noticing the audience so that some of them can record and post them. Kelli Juzwiak’s isn’t the best sound quality, but i like th DJ lead-in and the nonsensical fan-video she improvs during its play on her laptop.

Taking a 180, some critter-mas celebration is Totes Serious. Suzy Arnowitz’s album of children’s book inspired songs includes “A Redwall Winter’s Tale.” I mean, like A Tale of Fire and Ice, Brian Jacques’s books don’t have a Christ, just a need to celebrate this time of year. Granted, the Great Being here is Snow Badger… but it’s a mouse’s song.

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Even more elvevated is the music inspired by The Wind in the Willows written up by  Kenneth Grahame and Jonathan David Dixon and here sung by an uncredited choir. “Carol of the Field-Mice.” All creatures great and small, after all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82lFQ_AwE_s

Manger Management: Rodent Rites (2)

A rodent may be a starter pet for children, so kids gotta dig mouse noels, yes?

Unless they’re insulting. Jack Hartmann seems serious about helping very young children develop. But when you add up the Piaget and Erickson and divide by Freud you don’t always get fun, you get “Milton, the Dancing Christmas Mouse.” This is why parents build sound-proof playrooms.

The Peter Pan Pop Band and Singers crank out another formulaic dirge of doggerel on the Snoopy’s Christmas Album compilation that was making hay off the Royal Guardsmen’s holiday hit about the Red Baron. This is “Jingles the Christmas Mouse.”

Randy Vail gets more avuncular with his grandpappy singing in “Tiny the Christmas Mouse.” It’s slow and patient and repetitive in melody–because children are stupid, i guess.

Scarier is Rodd Rogers with his “Maury the Christmas Mouse.” This is from the exceptionally weird American Song-Poem Christmas  collection. It’s twisted talent and may induce nightmares.  Beware.

I’m more partial to crazy poet-ladies who earnestly sing Joan Baez style fantasy like they take it Wiccan serious. So, with reverence guys–i’m not kidding–harken and learn from Linda Arnold’s “Christmas Mouse.” Don’t you overeat, little ones.

Manger Management: Rodent Rites (1)

Ever Since “A Visit from St. Nicholas,” what’s it been now–like 95 years? mice figure prominently into the season’s greetings. But C. Clement Moore suggested they shut their holes.

Instead they sing/are sung to.

Seriously, celebrities get behind these.

Check out Debbie Reynolds and Donald O’Connor with “Chrissy the Christmas Mouse.” This is what good boys and girls listened to.

Apparently the little guy (disease carrying rodent) helping the big guy (St. Nick) is what it’s all about. “Santa Mouse” may be familiar to more of you–he got a gift for Santa! Burl Ives does his regally laconic version and it’s a real lesson. Bob Morrison updates this with rollickin’ pop flute. Now i can do the frug! But, it you want to really swing, let’s drop in of Jerry Vale (he of ‘Ciao, Ciao, Bambina’, ‘Arrivederci, Roma’, and ‘Volare’ fame) and really mellow down to the beat “Santa Mouse.”