You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: model-7

Well, a truck is a power-hungry, overdeveloped, oft redneck form of car, so let’s take a hillbilly minute to consider the pickup (before we get to proper truckin’).

Average Joe’s Muddy Christmas is a my-tee-fine pop country album for the holidays. So we’ll get in that truck with our hunney and have a “Muddy Christmas” care of Lenny Cooper. Nasty boy.

First of all, we need to establish why Santa should trade in his magic sleigh for some 4 x 4. Alan Jackson explains (to some suspiciously familiar rodents) why “Santa’s Gonna Come in a Pickup Truck.” Well, then how’s he gonna deliver my Humvee? (Okay Red Simpson did the pickin’ and grinnin’ better back in 1973. Love the outro.)

Foster Martin Brand, on the other hand, insists that “Santa Don’t Drive No Pick-Up Truck” made by Ford or Chevrolet. I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but the House of UnAmerican Activities Committee needs to look into this.

Fortunately The Lacs saw “Santa in a 4-Wheel Drive.” That should straighten everything out. But, as they are good ol’ bubba country posters’, they might have been mistaken/drunk.

Paul Michael Gross is a television developer and actor (Due South), but he also shares with us his love of country cliches in “Santa Drives a Pickup.” (In this case a ’67 Ford.)

You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: model-6

Classic Comedy (read Dr. Demento approved) may not belong on this blog; it’s too well known. But a guy can get nostalgic, no? So those wild and crazy Upper Peninsula Micheganiks, Da Yoopers, present their official video (with the unearthing and winter sports–including WEEE! shovel sledding) of “Rusty Chevrolet.” It seems as old as Yogi Yorgeson, but it’s only as genre-tastic (1987 vs. 1949).

You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: model-3

Little Joey Farr, i think, is that special brand of kooky kid/amazing voice combo that we saw in the ’50s with Barry Gordy and Brenda Lee. Rockabilly loves that jivin’ jailbait. And i think it’s a her, but the internet has been great at guarding Little Joey’s privacy.

Asking Santa for “A Big White Cadillac for Christmas” for Mama might seem foolish or redneck, but this is probably based on Elvis Presley’s generosity: even by the late ’50s The King was giving away Cadillacs more than Oprah. It’s a significant and swingin’ status symbol, o cool ones and twos.

You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: model-2

Patti Jo-Roth Edwards is one of those singer songwriters who can’t help herself. She writes, she sings, she records and posts.

I’m not saying she’s any good. She just gotta sing.

It’s a mistake, for example, to twist out a rocking tune like “Santa Drives a Candy Apple Red Cadillac” unplugged and dogged. Her mush mouthing the lyrics is fine, but her Judy Collins women’s folk coloring outside the lines belies the hella good time promised by the story. Hmmm. Cadillacs deserve something more urban.

You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: model-1

Some cars are hotter than others. Joyriders tend not to help themselves to Kias. So, while leaving the wild world of the hot rod, let us consider some specific hot cars that Santa might straddle.

Muscle cars could do well. So here comes the cross gender tribute band from ‘cross the Atlantic, The Ramonas, with “Santa’s Got a GTO.” It’s more nostalgic punk than hard screechin’ punk.

You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: hot rods-5

Meshugga Beach Party has also cashed in on the surfer craze in the last ten years. These Bay Area bagels rock instrumentally for the most part. (I like “Go Go Golem” and visualize drag racing through the back ways of Marin County.) But we’re here to race, so please have patience with “Hot Rod Hanukkah,” the titular tune off their 2011 album. It’s slow to start. And to lap. And to finish. It takes eight nights.

You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: hot rods-4

Time to slow it down and listen to the hemi purr.

Malibooz were 1960s surf rock from the East coast. they only lasted a couple years, but so did surf rock. Despite going separate ways, the boys were drawn together to compose original surfer tunes for movies in the late ’80s and early ’90s. Then surf movies became more of the zeitgeist of the ’00s: Malibooz returned. Good for them. Their Christmas album A Malibu Kind of Christmas from 1992 has unfortunate wipe-outs to the tune of ‘Rudolph’ and ‘Drummer Boy.’ Original jams like upbeat “Santa Man” and downer “Christmastide” serve them much better.

Today we’re concerned with “Santa Drives a Super Stock Dodge.” It comes across as more pretty than roaring Tom Petty, but the young harmony back ups and awkward ad lib shout outs personalize the piece. One of a kind.

You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: hot rods-3

Edging out of rockabilly, true country singer Toby Keith (‘Shoulda Been a Cowboy,’ ‘How Do You Like Me Now?!’) builds on the Harley Davidson image of the guy in red with “Hot Rod Sleigh.”

Coming in ahead by a novelty nose are Robert and Janita Baker with their fine fiddlin’ fun on top of ‘Hot Rod Lincoln’ entitled “Hot Rod Sleigh.” It’s one of those line by line parodies, but have you heard it before?