Beardo

IS the whole concept of Santa Claus just too weird? ShiSho covers Sufjan Stevens’s “Get Behind Me, Santa.” Their little girl energy further obfuscates who or what the song is about. Weird with a beard.

Harold Rippey spies “Santa Claus on the Side of the Road.” With halting country pop, he explores how odd this stranded wayfarer is.

“I Got this Neighbor” is the ska song about when MU330 worries about who just moved in nextdoor. The suit, the shoes, the hat, the laugh, the mail…. Hmm.

The cast of the musical Hey Nunnie Nunnie heard about that elf and wondered “Who Is This Santa Claus?” As members of the faith, they give him the benefit of the doubt: the threat of him will keep children quiet.

The Jacobsen Brothers also wonder, but conclude “Santa is Strange.” Folk imponderables for the kids.

Grampa Yule

Worth repeating: “Baby Boomer Santa” is from the Dan Harmon show Community and represents what Millennials think in their kaleidoscopic minds about the olds. OK Donald Glover, Danny Pudi, and Chevy Chase.

Sia Furler has an empty spot at Christmas, and wants not My everyday Santa Claus (which is you, ya deserter, you)–but “My Old Santa Claus” to help her out. Is that a compliment in millennial pop music??

Magritte & Rosen may refer to Old Man Christmas as an obese senior citizen, but in their skippy singalong “Santa Needs Some Help!” they address climate change and Covid-mania among his concerns. Do seniors care about that stuff?!

Patricia Vonne figures rockabilly will make the epithet “Old Man Santa” an endearment. But this this bar-burner accuses the old guy of cruisin’, rockin’, and blazin’.

I suppose tweeting makes Santa look young, but when “Santa’s Twitter Got Hacked” he’s just another old victim.

Valley of Love enter musical land with their episodic “Santa Claus Restauration.” It’s essentially about helping out the elderly.

“Santa’s Gettin’ Too Old for This” bemoans Dr. BLT in his signature folk-rock funk. This reality check is making me sad, so maybe don’t scat so much.

The North Polaroid

Worth repeating: “Santa’s Lost His Mojo” is an indie bit of coolness from Jeremy Lister. That banjo does the trick.

Mayflies adds cowboy guitar to their indie “Santa’s Misery.” Not exactly a sure-footed Christmas man according to this.

“Santa’s Got Covid” is a salsa inspired bit of rap-pop from Reality Student Ministry. Poor old guy.

To ‘Jingle Bells’ Hilary Henshaw worries about that oldster when stricken down. But it’s “Santa’s Hiccups” that perplex (and annoy) with all that noise. Shout along, kids!

B Minor Music also frets “When Santa Got the Hiccups.” More original, and certainly more Australian.

Worse health-wise, “Santa’s Got Diabetes” as depicted in ’80s anthem rock by The North Polio. Impaired! (But completely believable.)

Deer Valley Trio reveal that time “When Santa Claus Got His Ass Kicked by the Reindeers.” This hand-clapping round is sung in good natured folk joshing.

Cold Fat Bastard

Worth repeating: The Hot Rods declare “Santa’s Too Drunk to Drive.” It’s road ragin’ rockabilly that won’t slow.

Cabana Man shaggies the dog with a spoken word jive backed story that ends with “Santa Need a Cab.” It’s in the vernacular.

Applying metal, Halbstarke Jungs barks out “Drunken Santa Is Coming To Town.” (Then, Deutsche!) Watch the skies!

Gary Craig, in the style of Bing Crosby, croons an ode to Barney in The Simpsons pilot: “Drunken Santa’s Coming to Town.” It’s a fun parody.

A bit of the ol’ Dixieland from Beefus in the pathetic “Party with Santa.” ‘Tain’t pretty.

Actual funk from Jerry T. Band describes a “Naughty Santa.” There’s a barside altercation involving the Missus.

Mikey Geiger’s “Drunk Santa” is an electronic exploration with expletives laced in. Like that night you can’t quite remember.

Singing from Drunk Santa announces with pop electronica “My Balls (Are Hangin’ in the Tree).” Embarassing, but short.

Mr. Bowl of Jelly

Worth repeating: Fathead’s “Santa’s Drunk” celebrates as much as it chastises with some Motown blues. Danceable.

Greg & Brian take the POV of some assembly line elf who goes “Drinkin’ with Santa.” Daredevil hi jinx ensue in this honky tonking pop mess.

John Vosel & the Party Crashers also represent the elf contingent with the catch-all complaint “Santa Claus Blues.” It deals with bad gifts, drunkenness, and perversity. But it’s the blues. Whaddya goin’ ta do?

BearRon spins “An Unbelievable Santa Story” through gentle folk spoken word meandering. Yet this dream-like traipsing only begins with a drunken Santa (probably fake). Where it goes is pure enlightenment.

Brock Armstrong parodies Avril Lavigne with “A Complicated Christmas.” It’s a bitchfest against S.C. (Drink, smoke, cry!–wotta mess!)

The Missile Toads rage through punk about what a loser The Expected One has become. “Santa’s a Boozer” is the problem. Oi!

The Great Gift-so

Brandon M.C. points out that with new love it doesn’t matter that “Santa Brought Me Nothing.” A guitar exercise, more than an indie love song.

Any Given Sin seconds the emotion with the country-pop anthem “Nothing for Christmas.” Santa’s just kinda irrelevant here.

The Clarence Williams’ Blue Five ragtime the beejeepers out of “Santa Claus Blues.” No money means no honey, Red.

“Ho! Ho! Oh Nooo!” is insistent punk from The Bad Engrish. This is a BLUE ALERT level of complaint.

Somebody adored small children Emerson & Cassidy enough to cut an album of their lisping and spitting. “Santa Clause Is Not Coming to Town” may be social commentary on the capitalistic corporate scheme, or it may be dumb kids who can’t remember lyrics.

Jonwayne DJs old carols/movies to give us the mashup “No Santa.” BLUE ALERT!

Thomas Mac nightcaps the concept with the honky tonkin’ “Santa Ain’t Coming to Town (He’s Drinking This Year).” We’ll further deal with his substance abuse in a bit.

Herr List

Worth repeating: BearRon(Rob Barron)’s “Nuttin’ (The Dumb Original Christmas Song)” is a thoughtful folk ballad about how a kid will get even for his Xmas betrayal. Love it.

From Flying Bomb Presents Surprise Package – The Collectors’ Edition comes Rocket 455’s “Santa Ain’t Comin’ This Christmas.” Finely aged punk brought to my attention care of Pete th’ Elf.

Rough punk from Lion’s Law has the beef that “He Never Came Around.” You know who.

Richard DSouza translates (barely) “Santa Don’t Come to My Home.” Peter’s got a solution, though–

Swing from Steve Weeks who has a “Grievance with the Man in Red.” Someone’s been counting… how often he was GOOD. But, did it pay off??

Killer dad rock from Luke Nelson, who notes “There Goes Santa Claus.” Not that you can tell from the absence of goodies.

Even harder retro rock from Lee Harris demands “Get Santa Claus on the Line.” The complaint line, that is! Not even underwear, man!

Side Nose Fingerer

Worth repeating: The Caroleers kidsong the head scratcher “Ten-Thousand Santa Clauses (But Not One Gift for Me).” The rhythm works. The mumps don’t help.

Loretta Lynn got mad back in 1966 when the disappointment of an empty Christmas caused her to country ejaculate “To Heck with Ole Santa Claus.” She’ll get him! A (welcome?) update in rocking country comes via Sam Morrison Band.

More whimsy, but not less sorrow, comes from Private Eye Music’s “Where are You Santa Claus?” Bombastic big band pop.

“Hey Santa Claus (You Son Of A Bitch)” Johnny O & The Jerks piss and moan with grungy yet jazzy garage. Just wanna know Why? Why’d you leave me out!

Sounds Of Blackness include in their musical The Night Before Christmas a tour de force of jazzy divinity “Santa Watch Yo’ Step.” This year he brought presents, but–

Polka barbershop from Henry Golis with The Jordanaires complains “Santa, You Forgot About Me Last Year.” How depressing can it be?! It’s polka!

Leading Cola Salesman

Worth repeating: BLUE ALERT “Santa Don’t Bring Gifts To Assholes” is the pop proclamation from Paul Mauled and the Furious Elves. You should probably heed this dictum.

Vera Lyn takes us back to the 1930s when swearing wasn’t as much a lyrical go-to. “The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot” is a big band ode to poor kids. Sad stuff. She originated this number, but Nat King Cole is no slouch at underplaying the bathos and making a real story out of it.

The world premiere cast of Nuncrackers–The Nunsense Christmas Musical gets down home with “Santa Ain’t Comin’ to Our House.” It’s a knee-slappin’ hoe-downin’ uplift to children’s tragedy.

Hard rock from The Swingin’ Neckbreakers declares “Santa Claus ain’t Comin’ This Year.” Sound like someone’s on the disability.

The Eraserheads alt rock that “Santa Ain’t Comin’ No Mo” because he’s sick. Throw your stocking out the window!

717Erb raps casually how “Santa Ain’t Coming.” That’s it. No show.

When my baby can’t be with me then, well, “Santa Can’t.” Big band evolves into rap then just mashes up. Brought to you by 0July Moon (feat. Kristen & Ryanne).

The HoHoHo-er

Worth repeating: From The Trailer Park Boys, Bubbles & The Shitrockers BLUE ALERT react badly to bad gifting with the country twangin’ “Dear Santa Claus Go Fuck Yourself.” So mad they’re giggling.

More BLUE ALERT from the disgruntled Dan Warren. While traumatized from being good not equalling the goods, he hurls insult and invective North Pole-ward, including “Santa Claus Lives Alone.” (That’s ‘cuz no one likes him.)

The Armenian Comedian (from the old Kevin & Bean Show) allows that some will blame Santa, but he lousy-raps “Don’t Blame Santa.” Then, scat.

Perhaps a bit of guided instruction would help. The Jeff Archer Group kid-rocks (hard) “I’d Love to Go to Toys-R-Us with Santa.” Doesn’t even matter that they’re closing out stores anymore. It’ll show Mr. Claus what is what.

Flooded Cellar makes an Indian Giver out of the old guy when, due to a clerical error, he now wants to take back all your unearned toys. American country rock notifies that “Santa Claus been Writing Me Letters.” You have 30 days to comply.