Frosty Felon

On one side of crime: The Bilge Pumps shake down Santa (out of desperation) in “Jolly Old Saint Nicholas.” Kindergarten percussion, but the threats are grisly.

Dave Rudolf notes that “Santa Claus was Running Through Town.” It was a bad part of town. Guess what the cops thought when they saw him running?

On the other: BearRon pokes old folk with the banjo-tactic “When He (Santa) Comes.” He takes your stuff, including your car. You better insure!

Rollins Bell’s spoken word scene of the crime descripto “Santa the Thief” is the devolution of icon to con. Unplugged jazz guitar chaos in the background.

Richard Sponaugle has gotten some crummy gifts from his so-called friends. So he calls out “Come Quick, Nick” in order to get a great Santa present. In a country pop song peripeteia, Nick robs and beat him! Isn’t that always the way?

Weazeldust counts down the hours on Christmas Eve hoping for a peek. But, when he awakens too late, he cries out in rockabilly pop: “Santa Claus You Dirty Rat (Bring Back My Guitar).” That stealer even serenades him with it on the roof!

“Santa in a Ski Mask (Stick ’em up it’s Christmas)” starts with a brick through the window… Angry ska from 4 Aspirin Morning, however, makes the violent robbery worthwhile. Weee!

Danger! Intruder!

Is Santa… a monster? Worth repeating: “Christmas is Creepy” by Fred Figglehorn is the ADHD synthed kidsong from a previous generation. Like 2010. Wow.

Beefus concocts an odd Xmas musical (Daddy Slap Chop and the Santa Gland) in which Santa undergoes a horrific transformation: “What’s Happening to My Body?” he screams. Graphic, yet comedic jazz/R+B.

Mark Cummings retells “Jolly Old Saint Nicholas” about the time he mistakenly climbed into the nuclear reactor, began to glow, and seemed to disappear. Weird.

Now in Terrorcore! Kurwastyle Project hammers at the electronica to give us “Santa Stole Your Children.” A nightmare Pete the Elf hepped me to.

Sprighty old world folk from Alan.s.Robinson reveals that “Santa Claus has Eaten the Baby.” WTF? Is he an Ultraliberal Democrat? Monstrous!

Transvestimentals applies hard rock to “Scary Santas (And Christmas Creeps).” It’s the same old story: girl runs from old man in panic.

Jeff Hershey & The Heartbeats reveals all in the moody R+B “Santa Claus is a Monster.” Creeping, eating all the cookies, mistreating elves, crashing sleighs… you see what he’s getting at.

Coal Man – mildly blue alert

How mean can Santa get? “Santa Sneezed on Me” recalls Matt Farley (aka The Toilet Bowl Cleaners). It results in a criminal prosecution. The blues.

“Santa Gaga” is a parody by reubennase that aims to frighten with a little BLUE ALERT, a little talentless rock, and a little graphic imagery.

Lil Poverty Angels does their odd spoken jive rap improv thing to scare us with “I Heard Santa’s a Blood” (he calls it Crips-mas!) as well as “Drive by on Santa’s Sleigh” BLUE ALERT.

The Electric Amish are pretty scared when “Parson Klaus is Coming to Town.” The tune is an old carol, but the concept is adorbs.

Bragging about their crappy music since 1988, Wheelchair Full of Men wishes revenge ‘cuz “Santa Claus Hates Me.” Experimental (or just mental) jazz with a scarily quiet intensity.

Go Slowpoke is mad as Noel and not going to take “Shit from Santa” anymore. That crotchety old so and so. Lovely folk with fab kazoo bridge.

Elf Driver

How do you manage the whole Christmas machine? Good boss or mean boss? Time for a struttin’ Neil Young parody! “Southern Claus” by Pity Rally might answer some of these questions.

“Santa’s Elven Slave Trade” by Aristocorpse screeches metal accusations at that holly jolly soul. Do you believe? (Feeding their young to the reindeer!?)

With a kickass drumlin Gatsby’s American Dream challenges “St. Nicholas” to a duel of honor. He’s gotten away with too much! Metal match!

Richard Sponaugle hair rocks “St. Nick’s Sweatshop” with an axe to grind.

The Rattlesnakes American rock “Santa Kicks My Boss in the Ass,” turning the bellicosity of Old man Winter to good.

The Plastic Invaders mod rock the question/answer “(Who’s the Boss?) Santa Claus.” Almost comes off cool. Still the boss, though.

Average Friend calls out grievances to “Santa Boss.” Rollicking rock to organize those little workers.

Chuck Picklesimer jams country rock heavily for “I was a Slave for Psycho Santa Claus.” Scary stuff (hee hee)! Spaceship escape?

Cold Fat Bastard

Some just hate Big Red. Worth repeating: Erin McKeown uses some swearing to proclaim “Santa is an A**hole.” This cowboy pop screed is a full portrait of all the flaws. Look out, kids!

“Oh, Santa!” by Mr.B The Gentleman Rhymer gentlemanly raps dislike about the mess left by that terrible visitor Christmas Eve. Ghastly that!

Dumpster Company improvs loudly as experimental artists in the raging “Fuck Santa (in f).” It’s all bad that time of the year. BLUE ALERT

Also lo-tech is Terry Childers venting “Hey Santa” with some decent drumming. He seems to be missing a radio….

“Here Comes Fatty Claus” by Rudolph & The Gang (Johnny MacRae) is hate speech pop (with profanity) about the high costs of giving. Sounds mean, but it comes from a place of hurt.

Chemtrail doesn’t merely doubt, but refuses Kris Kringle in the minimalist “You are Not Santa.”

The Silver Bells retro-rocks their disapproval about the double dealing Elf in “Santa Doesn’t Care About You.” Loved you and left you–nothing!

Even further, Beatnik Turtle also pop-rocks the disdain of Santy in “Santa Doesn’t Like You.” You got to face the fact.

A Figment of My Magi Nation

“What If Elvis was Santa Claus” poses more questions than it answers. Jesse Chavez of the Dysfunctional Family Band wails, though. Thank you very much.

Sugies has trouble when blackmailing Santa to get on the Nice List. See, that guy at the mall is not him. So she gets on the phone to him to promise she’ll keep his “Secret Santa.” Charming kidsong pop.

Delu has his doubts, but it’s about the big belly. “Damn, Santa!” is the rap to unwrap the secrets that matter. Is Nelly in there?

Julia Wade and Friends also see Santa Xmas night. Turns out it was a dream “The Night I Meant St. Nick.” Wild showtune kidsong that turns to the following year (another dream??).

Bah & the Humbugs point out Santa sightings might be fake. Might be a “Blow Up Santa.” Perky pop forewarns cops might get involved.

Jack Douglass of Jacksfilms wants to drive the nail home, so be prepared to duck for cover during the pop “Santa Ain’t Real.” AGAIN!

Christ-myth

We’ll deep dive into believing later, but the question of Is He Real? is a hot topic in Santa crit. Worth repeating is Lenny & Squiggy’s holiday pageant “The Jolliest Fat Man.” This folk take is comedy gold whether or no you’re a Laverne and Shirley fan.

Nick Thune talks straight to your kids about the Santa Lie. The folk slow-build-rock’s silver lining: “You’re Still Getting Toys.” Parental advisory.

Truman Proudfoot & David Kandal bring us down with the folksy bummer about a down and out mall Santa from a broken home. He’s “Someone Else’s Santa” this year. It’s an empty existence.

Red Crinkles, as a store Santa, exposes the actual “Fake Santa” as a SoCal fatcat Ponzi schemer in this amateur folk plunker.

“Santa Is a Fake” blares Arne Hansen & The Guitarspellers in proper dad rock. The disillusion is a childish tantrum, albeit wonderful.

Also ticked off is David Moorhead when he realizes “Fake Santa’s a Dick.” Funked up blues as a public service.

The Kids recognize “The Santa at the Mall.” (It’s my uncle Paul!) Southern rock+da blues tell us what they do with that info.

Stable Genius

Some of us (sometimes) have no use for Santa. DuncanG used to post clever pop parodies in a Christmas bent. But all trace of his stuff is gone now. Reminisce with me for his Adele parody “Someone Like Santa.” Take him, leave him.

Rodd & Judy (in an American Song Poem) wrestle easy listening into the twee tale of children who want nothing from Old Man Christmas except for “Santa Fix My Toys for Christmas.”

Marc Copage and Saxon-Freed follow this thread with “Santa, Please Repair My Toys for Christmas.” This nauseous kidsong rats out Dad as the toybreaker.

Peter Thomas & Joseph interrogate the bleak night sky with the driving folk “Merry Christmas, Santa Claus.” They want Mr. Gifts to bequeath all their gifts to other needier ones. Kids today!

Red State Update distinguishes between S.C and J.C. in the menacingly upbeat “Forget Santa Claus.” Pop music with a message.

Fiction Family pitches a hissy with the bluegrass pop of “I Don’t Need No Santa Claus.” Seems his baby is enough. Bearded guys can wait outside.

Uncle Whiskers

The Brighter Day Gang unspools a psychedelic kidsong about Santa’s origins while worrying how weird it all is in “His Paradise Mountain.” It’s pretty weird.

Dr. BLT heralds “Back Alley Santa” with grunge and echoic chaos. Pretty funky.

J. Maunders slips in some amateurism with “Some Crap About Santa.” It’s hollering and piano abuse, but keep the spirit of it, ‘kay?

Proper Brit-rock (late ’70s style, so punk on the edges) represents a strange turn: “Father Christmas is Dressed in Green.” Nice for a change from Wild Billy Childish & The Musicians Of The British Empire.

Scrutiny can overenlarge something into grotesquerie, so when Bob Blake (The Music Doctor) wonders about Santa’s time off the query “Where’s Santa?” gets weird. Grampa pop.

Everything about Christmas is off “Out at the Mall.” For example, Santa smells like pepperoni. Make Like Monkeys retro rocks the odyssey.

Functional funk from Stevie Nations & the United States complains how “Santa’s Getting Grumpy” working overtime. Chill, brah.

Sooty Suit

And if you met the jolly one in person, what would you think?! The Evaporators respond with the pop “Who Are You?“ WILD!

Idaho slow-rolls the indie with “Santa is Weird.” There’s something about love and light and falling in there.

Bandrew has more questions than answers in the guitar strummin’ indie “Santa is Dead.” No corpses are investigated in this one, so it’s more existential angst.

Speaking of weird, “(You Broke the Face Off a) $10 Santa Claus” by ‘Weird Paul’ Petroskey rocks the unlikely mercantile faux pas. Diggin’ it.

The one who doesn’t make you jolly is “Reverse Santa.” He won’t eat your milk and cookies. He vomits instead. Offbeat lounge polka from Hot buttered Elves.

Was it a dream?! “Santa Was Eating The Christmas Tree” was the disturbing scene for Nicci And The Project’s kidsong. Perhaps it was a Christmas tree shaped cookie? No? Run!