Tigr Moon Bounce go rockin’ ragtime with “All I Want for Chanukah.” It gets ugly. Watch out for the surprise twist ending!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzi0xzXWkv0
Chanukah List: item one (gelt)
According to my calendar, Hanukkah started a couple days ago and goes to the 1st. What’s a celebrant to do? Well, if you don’t have your wishes documented by now you may be out of latkes!
Your Hanukkah list should exceed your Christmas list eight-fold, we are told. So let’s get the dolla-dolla-dolla outta the way with Emily Zisman singing “Whoring for Hanukkah” –uh oh, this could be naughty. (It’s not! mischievous at worst!)
Christmas List: postscript (nothing)
Whether you’re mad or Muslim, wanting nothing for Christmas is a time honored form of insanity that ranges from gee golly goodness, to slick tricksy manipulation.
Rodd and Judy share a tale of a little boy who asks “Santa Fix My Toys for Christmas.” Those nights of daddy weeping into the bills has worked its magic on the little tike.
Shawn Colvin is satisfied with just you, sweetie. So when she sings “I Don’t Need Anything This Christmas” she means she’s fed up with the season and just wants a time out with your company. Yawn.
Rockin’ country Raul Malo ( with a helping hand from David Andrews) rants “I Don’t Need Anything for Christmas.” It’s boot stompin’ appreciation of you. Again.
Caravan of Thieves gets that swing thing ringing with “I Don’t Want Anything for Christmas,” once again stepping off the reindeer racetrack into a quiet room –with YOU.
Punk jump with Dirt Box Disco (what else would you do with ’em?) to “I Don’t Want Anything for Christmas.” The (but you) is understood, but said anyway.
Punkin’ the folk music come verily New Found Glory exhorting “Nothing for Christmas.” This is gentle grunge, puttin’ the loves on you.
Sad electric ballideering from Stan Huffman (white Motown) in the form of “I Don’t Need Anything for Christmas.” Hold your baby, Stan!
Quick diva detour via Tamar Braxton who asks for “No Gift” because she’s (altogether now) got you. Nice rolling range, but nothing to see here….
Three Wise Guys croon up a tempest with “I Don’t Want Anything for Christmas,” but this time it’s material. They don’t need you, honey. Maybe peace on earth. Maybe. Just none of that present crap. (With a bit more soul and a cool ‘grass fiddle Laura Gibson, McKinley, Kristin Hersh, Tony Furtado, SLara Michelle, Steve Berlin, Jim Brunberg, Linda Hornbuckle, Art Alexakis & Stephanie Schneidermann sing the same.)
Big E Dude lets it slip that “I Don’t Want Nothin’ for Christmas” is reverse psychology. He lets it slip what you coulda got him, if you felt bad about his humility.
CHRISTMAS OVERVIEW (it’s today!)
By my calendar it’s the twenty-fifth of December. Time to reflect on what we’ve learned over the last year.
Some Xmas songs are wonderful.
Some Xmas songs are terrible.
But i don’t give much thought to the trouble of making the videos. Here are some of my favorite music videos over the last year…
Zissou Society don’t have much of a song with “Oh Shit, It’s Christmas,” but watch their collection of holiday commercials set to their salty celebration:
[edit: whoops, musta got a letter from Mickey Dees to pull that video. But in retrospect, i like the song. Just imagine 1970s TV going on…
]
Jeffrey Cannon uses borrowed cartoon and reinvigorates the old “Frumpy the Christmas Frog” so that kids of all generations may wonder WTF?
Here Come the Mummies like some dress up, but for “Secret Santa” they have gone beyond the pale for an homage to the old ‘Rudolph’ TV special, but this time with a stag party. That dentist elf’s got some moves! (Better video than song, sorry.)
Bret McKenzie goes electronica for “Electronic Santa” a dance video full of dance. I can dig it.
I keep listening to Big B and K David recite their “Christmas List, Yo.” But I’ve come to realize their video is active and energetic and teaches me cool new dance moves (‘swipe the credit card!’).
Keeping it funny… something called Verbatim Lyrics (this is old, old VHS stuff) used to play with MTV videos and replace vapid lyrics with descriptions of what the people in the mini-movies are doing. Here is George Michael’s “Last Christmas” sendup. Uh–Burn!
To balance the amusing with the angering, Poly Styrene plays pop on the punk sentiments of Christmas being the downfall of civilization with “Black Christmas.” Damn if it don’t make me want to dance to doomsday.
Do we have time for a quick science class power point? We do? Jay Livingston and Ray Evans make chemistry Christmassy with “Silver Balls.” Take notes.
While in the humor department, let’s pretend a song wallpapered with memes is a video. ‘Cuz i like “Play That Christmas Music White Boy.” I need to hear it one more time.
For a top ten finale, gotta get even dirtier (what we call a BLUE ALERT for you meddlin’ parent-types) with Jimmy Colorado and the Bronco Band (Bath Boys Comedy actually). These boys have parodied the classic country music video with their heart-warming “Christmas Shit.” I laugh every time (now you know that).
Christmas List: items twenty-four (what else)
Could we have overlooked anything?
Holey Moly yes.
Family – “That’s What I Want for Christmas” by li’l orphan Shirley Temple. It’s from some heart-tugger.
A job – “All I Want for Christmas is a Job” by le Ukulélé Club de Bordeaux (worst audition video ever–WARNING: CONTAINS MARIAH CAREY PARODY) and by Below the Surface (parole plea?).
A black president – MC Overlord. Ahh, nostalgic rappin’ times.
A rock ‘n’ roll guitar – The Stompers overlaying punk onto rock. More originally by Johnny Preston.
A gun – The Vandals with more punkish punk. Ian Yo Yo Yo (Jib Jab Brothers) go urban for the Red Ryder Rifle. (Still preferable to the ‘Christmas Story’ musical version.) Best of the range is Roy Zimmerman’s “Buy War Toys for Christmas.” Made Demento famous by The Twang.
A bag of weed – Common Enemy (BLUE ALERT). Hard garage rock.
Cancer – Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains. Ah, the young and their guitar banging regrets.
A tan – Kenny Chesney mashes up Hawaiian slide with country drawl. (It’s an all over he’s after, with you dawlin.)
A space ship – Bah & The Humbugs recognize that some intergalactic captains keep getting their rides blasted out from under them.
A Doodle-Li-Boop – Art Carney with authentic drunk-sounding jazz novelty from the ’50s.
A Ting Ting – Billy Ruffian attempts to update this old folk chestnut. (Yeah, more punk influence.)
Swiss Colony Beef Log – South Park boys deliver it again with “Swiss Colony Beef Log;” it’s what a fat kid wants for Christmas.
A new hat – Thots takes it easy on Santa and for that we thank you.
Christmas List: item twenty-three ($$$)
Time to simplify: cash me up and i’ll shop for my own damn self.
Fred Figglehorn tries to squeeze pop music out of his helium hokum-ry. “Christmas Cash” is just as annoying as it wants to be.
College Humor tries for yucks with (WARNING: CONTAINS MARIAH CAREY PARODY) “All I Want for Christmas is Cash.” Some nice sentiments expressed (“Fuck Season 2 of ‘Smash’!“)
Pearl Bailey says it right (said it before on this blog, but it bears repeating: “A Five Pound Box of Money” is all Santa needs to bring.
Riddim gets reggae on top of ‘Deck the Halls’ with “Money for Christmas.” It’s not greedy so much as groovy.
Bah & The Humbugs draw the line for their “Christmas List.” Even the 1% want a little green Christmas.
Christmas List: item twenty-two (nobody)
Well, eff you. I don’t after all want you. You’re not all i need. It’s Christmas and my present is to not have you messing up my life any more, thank you very much.
Let’s get the overemotional overreaction out of the way–Midnight Riders off that “All I Want for Christmas (Is to Kick Your Ass).” Mostly they’re displacing their anger at losing their baby to kick the guy’s ass–guy might as well be Santa here. Hey. we’ll talk this metal grunge out.
Diesel Phoenix responds with “All I Got for Christmas was a Restraining Order.” It’s goth and Remo, tough but tender. You shouldn’t have–
Experimental rock (nee psychedelia) comes from Hijackalope with their definitive “All I Want for Christmas is a Restraining Order.” Now, i know you like to clap along whenever the lyrics mention the song title. No such luck here….
Christmas List: item twenty-one (a boy)
Girls make lists too as we’ve seen.
NIIC The singing Dog treats us to Kyle McCarthy’s “All I Want for Christmas is a Boy.” Wait, is that a girl singing? Pumpin’ pop bubblegum.
While we’ve opened that door give a norm welcome to Alaska Thunderfuck, Courtney Act, and Willam Belli trans-ing it up with “Dear Santa Bring Me a Man.” Diva devotees salute the power of the show stopping monster song.
Kira Isabella is definitely a girl who wants “A Country Boy for Christmas.” She’s got pretty long list of what he should look like, sound like, and what he should drive. Good thing she can sing.
The Dell Vetts may be boy crazy, because “I Want a Boy for Christmas” gets the full-on girl doo wop treatment. Serious love for music at least.
Christmas List: item twenty (sex act) (BLUE ALERT)
Down and dirty, dudes.
“I Want a Blowjob for Christmas” is off key and drunk. Devastating Just Cause wants your affirmation regardless. And anal, too.
!990s garage punk informs “I Want Sex for Christmas.” Furiously Stiff never quite released this sentiment on the world.
Well, let’s turnabout for fair play. “Anal for Christmas” by Killy the Kid allows her to give to him (It was on his wishlist!). Jazzy garage you can dance (limp?) to.
Christmas List: item nineteen (sex object) (BLUE ALERT)
O Lonelyhearts, all you need is a touch of affection… or cheap anonymous sex. Women’s favors as gifts! The idea!!
Mr. Wompy car karaokes “I Want a Blow-Up Doll for Christmas.” He appears to be mocking the melody, but it’s all in fun ‘cuz that’s his sense o’ humor!
Robert Lund mashes up kid song with adult themes (tradition!) with Chelsi Stahr singing “I Want Some Plastic Surgery for Christmas” lip synced here by some tramp wanna be. Classy wig!
Virginia Kegel adds to the dignity deficit with her “I Want a Boob Job for Christmas.” It’s a show stopping top dropping number.
How much lower can we go? Trailer trash low! Scuzz Twittly has a cottage industry in down home humor. His pretend holiday album ad features “I Want a Hooker for Christmas.” You almost believe him.
Just pop country comes August Campbell with “I Want a Hooker for Christmas” full of tips and ideas for those hard-to-buy-fors.