Consume-mas Quantities: let it stew

Wet mish mash of food parts is heart warming, stick-to-your-ribs stew, a survival favorite since before JC, Then why aren’t there more songs about Xmas stew?

Mary Helen Mustian from South Henderson Church swans on about “Christmas Stew” in some church dramatization about some Wild West Christmas. It’s inaudible, but soaring. I detect the ingredients of a hit.

I will not dignify this blog with a possible Mariah Carey parody subbing STEW for YOU. Look it up on youtube if you want. Riders in the Sky were totes pop 20-30 years ago. I listened to their radio programme me own self. Lately they’ve fallen out of the fickle favor of folks and find themselves retro as backup in cartoons and the odd State Fair. But please relive the glory days of the camp cook fighting to feed the wranglers during the holidays with “Sidemeat’s Christmas Stew.” Well done, boys.

Consume-mas Quantities: casserole chorale

What to make for Xmas? Throw it all in a 9 x 12 and call it good.

“Aunt Clara’s Christmas Casserole” by ‘Clara’s Kinfolk’ (Probably Jack Servello) warns family of the dreaded elderly traditional potluck. Careful with that hee haw humor, it’ll grow an ad-lib on your reunion the size of a confabulation.

The Christmas Chids work up a sweat with their “Casserole of the Bells.” It sure is pretty. Lean in if you want to feel the full flavor. That cathedral sized echo may make you miss some.

Consume-mas Quantities: pizza on earth

While unrecognizably mutated beyond its Italian heritage, pizza is fine anytime. Even Christmas time.

Sadly, ‘Ding, Fries are Done’ is so far-ranging in comedy importance it has been pasted onto other foods as in “Marco’s Pizza Christmas Song.” Well, okay fine.

BLUE ALERT Pizzacat also attempts humor synthing a riff on Run DMC with “Pizza Xmas.” Was i wrong to spend a day on Christmas with Pizza?!

The Breakfast Kids fill our dietary requirements with a heartfelt rehearsal of “All I Want for Christmas (Pizza).” Yeah, they’re off key, but they’re on youtube. That’s cool with me. (Pizza is totally post script in this love song, but i got a blog to stuff the crust of.)

Oh, now I get it! “No One Wants a Pizza on Christmas Day!” Connor Ratliff and Mikey Erg slice off a piece of fine folk for the real meaning of Christmas pie. Sad, but greasy.

Consume-mas Quantities: buono natale

There will be a time to be named in the days to come when we will visit nations thither and yon and know their Christmas songs.

This is not that time.

But, to honestly discuss foods for yule fuel, mention and attention must be paid to the descendants of Romulus and Remus. No “Italian Christmas Time” can be sung without scraps of food fitting into the chorus. Mike KC authenticates, with a little help from ‘finicula finiculi.’

Granting equal time, the ‘Irish’ applied to “Christmas Time Spaghetti” from Max DeGroot (featuring his imaginary helium voiced bear friend, Tipper) admits to the coopting of international foods, rather than some bizarre post-colonial power struggle. I mean, it IS a kids’ song. And a darling li’l parody of ‘Kilarney.’

Consume-mas Quantities: pop pop jingle pop

Snack time continued–

Popcorn can be one fun edible decoration. Eat one, string one! The ratatat birth, the steamy smell, the crunchy/melty dichotomy of texture; this is truly an American treat. (I tried to score some while abroad in Denmark one time. It was in an ‘exotics’ corner of the food mart.)

T.Sex hollers his folk/blues about his broken-hearted Christmas misery in “Popcorn Tin.” BLUE ALERT He’s using popcorn as a weapon here. I wish him the buttery best.

Van Buchanan cures depression with his kiddie contata “Yummy Christmas Popcorn Around the Christmas Tree.” inspired by the Dorp the Scottish Dragon books. That’s right.

Robin Zaruba sweetens the pop with “Tootsie Pops and Popcorn.” Hey, Christ is popcorn! Pop gospel here will teach you why. Wait, does that mean God endorses Tootsie Roll candies™?

Merle Haggard brings that heartwarming homestead pickin’ and grinnin’ to his list of holiday homilies “Santa Claus and Popcorn.” Popcorn is mixed in there somewhere.

Consume-mas Quantities: lunch rush

Xmas is a day x-ed off your calendar. B’fast, lunch, dinner may be mere suggestions.

In fact, no lunch guaranteed. Bah and the Humbugs dramatize this for the original Christmassers in “No Free Lunch.” This pop rock lesson mumbles, tumbles, and humbles. Get your perspectives straight, ya spoiled babies!

Consume-mas Quantities: later tater

We were talking about fries the other day and i shoulda mentioned tuberous growths as a fine winter-time repast, ‘cuz they keep in the root cellar so long.

Nickelodeon’s Game Shakers cable show has a song about the “Reggae Potato Christmas.” It furthers the plot about 12-year-old video game millionaires and their shaky alliance with litigious rappers… or it just sets the black guy on fire. Something like that.

Slightly more authentic is the blues number “Cold Potatoes,” celebrating the best Half Deaf Clatch’s mam could do for the poverty-laden holidays.

Parry Gripp has figured out the formula for the classic novelty Christmas song: one parts odd, two parts odd. “Roy the Christmas Potato” helps Santa (spoiler alert) without being eaten. Bouncy childish fun.

Consume-mas Quantities: fast fest

No time for that banquet? Fast food for Christmas, baby.

The Fast Food Rockers don’t actually sing about fast food in their song “The Fat Food song (Festive Edition).” The original is the old camp song about the Bell, KFC, and Mickey Ds. This mentions turkey, but envelopes you in a hysterical hyperactive British shock treatment.

The seminal sensation in greasy high mass foods is “Ding, Fries are Done” originally from the Robert Lund album Elves Gone Wild 2003. While there have been so-called “ghetto” versions [BLEEPED BLUE ALERT], and “rap” take-offs, and even an “old world carolers” bit, the world knows this from the Family Guy show.

Consume-mas Quantities: burgers on high

Another Christmas sandwich?! Holy hamburgers, Jesus!

Honorable mention to the end credits of the Sinbad movie ‘Houseguest’ wherein he and Phil Hartman sing holiday hamburger hymns. Hardee’s-har.

The Pork Guys get more visceral with their party punk “Rudolph Burger… Hold the Nose.” We’ve covered reindeer meat for Xmas feasting before, but the burger category is a little lean, so i submit this anthem of mayhem to warm your nights.

Jason Johnson goes full country parody topping off Alabama’s ‘Christmas in Dixie’ with pickles mayo for his “Christmas at Wendy’s.” This is what we here in R&D at novelty Christmas music dot com look for in prize playables from our lab to your home.