Consume-mas Quantities: tying on the old feed sack

Did i say folk music went with home cooked meals? Did I? And did i mention plain folks love a good larf? I didn’t?

Tony Blanchard of Karukuleles soothes our souls with his menacing tale of overeating  in “Christmas Dinner Song.” Delightfully, amusingly monotone.

The New Planets Band also solemnizes a somnolent song, “Christmas Dinner“–that is, until GRAMPA HIT THE SLIDING DOOR! A rockin’ coda if ever there was one after such a festive fest. Play that again!

Knock off all that fooling around! Here’s a cut with somber reverence for the family food-time: Carrie Newcomer makes the gathering of old time family members quite the religious experience in “A Long Christmas Dinner.” Suffering, redemption, holy rolls. Call Garrison Keillor!

No really, one more joshing jollity of a folk song. “The Christmas Dinner Eating Contest Down in Yelvertoft” hearkens back to the Emerald Isles and Paddy Wex wends and weaves through a tall tale suitable for a foreign light comedy film by Bill Forsyth in the ’80s. I’d go see this grueling, dueling showdown, but i’d stand off to the side a ways.

Consume-mas Quantities: ‘sup supper?

Dinner is as down home as family, and about the most family-ish music is folk.

The cleaned-up version of folk sounds like the pretty young people sync-ing and storytelling of The New Christy Minstrels with their moralizing  “Parson Brown.” It’s a skit! It’s a song! It’s a swell Christmas dinner!

Pop folk sounds like little minister Dustin Donovan with his “Christmas Dinner 2011.” It’s a parable about a peeping poor boy and the shut-in he shares with. And it’s beautifully sung (if not filmed). Think about the homeless while ye be stuffing yer face! Retaining an Old World twinkle, Peter Paul and Mary strum out the original to this instructional tale: “Christmas Dinner.” This looks hard at the poor and the suffering… no comic reprisals. That’s more Christ-like, more honest folk. This is largely Noel Paul Stookey, so here’s his solo of the same:

Consume-mas Quantities: din din

Kids eat Christmas dinner at the small table, but they get a couple songs to go with it.

Neurotic Films Oficial has posted a marvy pop song about “The Christmas Dinner for Kids” (without crediting the young wailers) which invites kids to party in their mouths with edible presents.

Disney has a princess album for Christmas with original songs, so let’s try to guess which dwarf is singing which line for Snow White’s “Christmas Eve Dinner.” It’s a course stopper!

Consume-mas Quantities: dinner bells

Time to dine for the Lord! Some suggest the solstice holidays are the time to binge on the big feast so you’ll be able to last until you can gather, plant, scavenge, or shop for more. Dinner is that big excuse for all the relatives to gather, what else are you going to do with all those uncertain uncles and cousins–mingle?!

May we bow our heads and  throw down the big meal right at the start with the big guns.

Tennessee Ernie Ford was a Country Music Hall of Famer best known for ‘Sixteen Tons,’ though around here we admire his booming bass for his come-to-Jesus gospel numbers. “Christmas Dinner” may be overproduced, smothering his country drawl with too many instruments, but the boy’s oodles and oodles of charm calls us to the table. Let’s eat!

Bing brings it to the middle classes with “Christmas Dinner, Country Style.” Hoe down music can’t jug this smooth crooner. Slumming down to this mischievous mish mash of big band music made surbubans feel superior. Join in!

Consume-mas Quantities: holy dead meat

What else is coming out for the carnivore course for Christmas?

Reindeer are made of meat, so a couple silly musical musings play with this food.

Jeff Dunham sings a song i’ve featured by some other bar band earlier. His Bubba J character leaves out a verse, but still captures the country howler “Road Kill Christmas” nicely to a live audience, albeit interrupted by other envious puppets.

Mighty Magical Pants have the most fun with “Rudolph on the Barbecue.” Great rock bass line. Whether or not it’s actually the red-nosed one on the cooker is up for grabs.

Don’t worry reindeer lovers, general meat may also be the subject of noel.

Atonal spoken poetry growled out to progressive folk with a trilling Irish accent may sound like a novelty Christmas music dare from me to you.  Dead Raven Choir imagines a world less than pristine in “Christmas Meat – carrion.” You better be in the right mood, or you’ll be sorry.

Stza Crack delivers a song plagued with technical difficulties. “Tainted Meat” relates Santa’s eating misadventures corrected by Jesus with rude garage rock.

Defaulting to the more wholesome, Farmer Derek jollies up ‘Rockin’ ’round the Christmas Tree’ with “Walking around a T-bone Steak.” It rocks classically, though the meal the steak is dedicated towards is never limned as the holy one.

Consume-mas Quantities: bless the bacon

Pigs is pigs, but bacon is a meal unto itself. And not six degrees off course, but whole platters of course!

[MARIAH CAREY PARODY ALERT] Farmer Derek admits all he wants for Christmas is bacon in his song “All I Want for Christmas is Bacon” which is not the worst thing i’ve ever heard despite the source material.

Mikey Mason also plays punny with carols in his “O Bacon Tree.” Not much bacon there.

Jevon ‘The Acoustic Hobo’ gets more personal with his “Makin’ Bacon for Christmas.” It’s a dad’s reverie about the perfect holiday. Here he strums!

Fitness Dan goes shirtless with his elctropop “Bacon Bourbon Brownies.” While this is technically a confectionary and should have been dealt with last month, this beefcake sells the meat with his elegant song stylings.

Jonah Knight crosses up my categories as well with “Bacon and Beer” (imbibables next month, fans). But what a fine tribute to overindulgence 12/25 (or anytime)!

Consume-mas Quantities: piglets roasting

Christmas is for Christians, not those pork eschewing other religion followers. So let’s cut a slab of the-other-white-meat for the holidays.

Parang scat-man Scrunter puts it simply: he wants “A Piece of Pork for Christmas.” Ham likin’ what he be cookin’!

Just as Carribean, Ricky T riddims “My Christmas Pork.” Raucous and Rastafarian, but you must put your careful listening ears on… he wants to know where to put his pork in (not the f-word). I am not kidding.

Much whiter are Lisa and Rich parodying ‘Silent Night’ with “Garlic Pork.” They spent some time on their in-joke lyrics, so chew thirty times before swallowing.

It’s better Latinated; so here is Creig Camacho with his “Garlic Pork.” I can taste the salsa (music)!

Back to the riddim! Crocadile fights the vegetarian girlfriend with a Christmas repast of “Pork and Rum.” The song be so ‘mazing, i recommend seconds.

Consume-mas Quantities: for the birds

Turkey is the traditional Christmas meal for the English. Songs celebrate the healthy carnivorous choice, and also cry the warnings for the fowl.

Sometimes we just say “Big Dead Bird” for dinner without mentioning the type. Be suspicious of this melodious easy-listening comedy (with accordion) from Lou and Peter Berryman. It may not be the bird you’re thinking of. The whole meal stinks, in point of fact.

Riddim fun from Echo recommending “Run, Turkey, Run” away from Christmas men with their cleavers. Turkey trot might be the appropriate step.

Of course ‘turkey’ means more than bird. Jenny T posts the “Xmas Turkey Song” reminding us losers we are what we eat.

Turkeys at time get revenge on us as with Learn English Kids’ “Turkey Trouble Song.” It’s a bit plodding (teaching reading), but wicked fun for the childrens.

Antsy McClain and the Trailer Park Troubadours make a bit more merry with “Frank the Christmas Turkey,” a pop-alt folk stew of charming, chanting fun. Deadly though.

 

Consume-mas Quantities: ya shore yew betcha

Scandinavian foods kept men alive during hard winters despite the oversalting and lye. Christmas celebrations up north may involve chest pounding and double dog daring to eat the nastier bits of the smorgasbord.

Red Stangland and Terry R. Shaw go with the obvious parody “O Lutefisk.” Funny accents and mournful singing and self denigration abounds.

Stan Boreson (previously Yogi Yorgesson) and Doug Setterberg sing “Just a Little Lefse” so gleefully i excuse the omission of the holidays for this dull flatbread.

The Oslo Glee Club sums up our fear of the pungent foodstuffs with “Don’t Cook Santa Lutefisk.” It’s more Sing Along with Mitch than Lawrence Welk, so sway with them.

Consume-mas Quantities: polish the star

Special foods for special times of the year from special corners of the world make for specialities that no one else would ever eat.

The Pala Brothers, however, are super confident of their polka-based cuisine bragging that “Sausage & Sauerkraut for Santa” made him jolly and fat.

The Polkaholics, however, make grotesque this stuffing of the face with stuffed meats with their own punk polka version of this same song. Lala lala lala, but ironically.