Behold a Star: John Wayne

Now that we’ve treated the musicians who have treated us, take a cue from that last magnificent number and honor the images from our TVs and screens: the real stars of the American scene: actors.

Marion Mitchell Morrison was an instant movie star after nearly ten years of work. He headlined westerns through the ’40s, ’50s, and ’60s, eventually falling into an old man icon in TV skits in time for the counter culture to reject him as The Man. In retrospect he stands tall in the saddle, a American hero who’d rather explain it to you with his fists than his mumbling.

Rebecca Perschbacher sings “I Want John Wayne for Christmas” as a true fan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOffeiKXqsc

Behold a Star: Jack Black, etc.

Here in the mysterious world of novelty music awkward fusions and joke bands are a rare and wonderful thing. No one usually gets them and they die a cover death at airport lounges. But Jack Black has nurtured his Tenacious D duo ‘mock rock’ with Kyle Glass for decades. He loves the metal music as much as the tongue in the cheek. So his funny musical career works.

La Parola Persa is an Italian group of no little energy who has devoted webspace to ‘begging Jack’ to musically notice them. Their holiday tribute “Merry Christmas, Jack Black” goes off the rails early, however, and hyperactively salutes more than a hundred stars (of the movie/music type). What a masked ride! (Caveat: The second half of the video is encore.)

Behold a Star: Taylor Swift

Taylor Alison Swift’s country career has been heart on sleeve since high school, writing and singing about what she knows: white girl privilege. She inspires and bores generations of suburbanite teens with her mix of vulnerability and bitchiness. And she’s blond.

Evan Taubenfeld has a wish this “Merry Swiftmas.” His tribute to the megastar is adorable and appropriately as cutting edge country as a Walgren’s credit card. (Watch for his list of second-raters he won’t settle for.)

Behold a Star: Justin Bieber

Justin Drew Bieber went platinum when he was 15. That’s the power of youtube, bitches. Which also unleashed the trolls. Justin’s had several world records, including most ‘Hated” video of all time. His style pusher Usher may get the blame for his streetwise wannabe missteps, but he’s just a boy in a ‘Truman Show’ world of microscopic focus. And he can sing pretty well, which doesn’t get the attention any more.

Brittani Taylor has an appropriately awkward fan song “JUSTIN BIEBER CHRISTMAS!” based on ‘Hippopotamus.’ I kinda like it

Behold a Star: Lady Gaga (Adam Sandler)/Josh Groban

Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta as Lady Gaga has dropped five whole albums in less than 10 years but has broken world records and become a part of the cultural lexicon for her, how do you say?–boldness.

René Marcellus and Christina Hondromihalis have a parody of Lady Gaga that’s not so straight up. In 2010 they posted a Hannukah song to her (and Adam Sandler–they have a Funny or Die routine begging him to put them in a movie). This is not only a pastiche to her music, it is a tribute and–oh, i guess she’s not Jewish.

Since we’re recycling some of my previous discoveries, take note of Joshua Winslow Groban, a Californian high schooler who filled in for Andrea Bocelli at the Grammies and rocketed to fame. Fortunately it did not make him into an enormous dick: he’s into dozens of philanthropic endeavors even though he’s gone multiplatinum pretty much every recording.

13 Hands (a holistic New Jersey healing and comedy enclave) has a yummy ‘Holy Night’ tribute for Mr. Groban that makes me think i can fill a whole month with Christmas songs that simps repeat one phrase over and over (ahh–my funny bone… it tingles!). Pleas enjoy “Josh Grow Bean.”

Behold a Star: Janet Jackson

Janet Damita Jo Jackson was the youngest of daddy Joe’s musical flea circus. She brought her name recognition to a masterfully branded musical/pornographic career from the beginning of the ’90s to today. As a result she’s controversial to a fault: is her high point ‘Poetic Justice’ or her Virgin Records dolla-dolla deal? Is her low point the FCC halftime 1/2 a million fine or ‘The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps’? I guess there’s some songs in there as well….

Rabid fan Mike Freeland has a couple amateur song parody wishes: “Christmas Song to Janet Jackson 2012 pt.1” and “Christmas Song to Janet Jackson 2012 pt.2.” (Also “Janet Baby“–not as good! “This Christmas“–plays to his weaknesses as a singer! “Janet, Won’t You Call Me Tonight“–he gets insistent! “I Hope Janet Will Give Me a Call“–he’s starting to crack! “O Janet, Please“–he’s begging! “12 Days to Janet“–skip it!) Stalker creepy? Hell to the yeah!!

Behold a Star: Spice Girls

Girl power in the ’90s resulted in overhyped bands like The Spice Girls: Melanie Brown (“Scary Spice”), Melanie Chisholm (“Sporty Spice”), Emma Bunton (“Baby Spice”), Geri Halliwell (“Ginger Spice”), and Victoria Beckham, née Adams (“Posh Spice”). Their pop music was danceable fluff; their fun-fueled lifestyle was the role model for fan-forward female empowerment.

Which threatened the boys and resulted in cornball gutter comedy like Z100’s “Spice Girls Got Knocked Up by a Reindeer.” The cleaned up version by the same PDX radio station was “Spice Girls Got Run Over by a Reindeer.” Don’t compare.

[Is it okay to include “New Kids Got Run Over by a Reindeer” in the same breath?]

Behold a Star: Ozzy Osbourne

Now it devolves into comedic parody.

John Michael Osbourne fronted Black Sabbath through the ’70s, soloed in the ’80s, and with a little help from savvy spouse Sharon branded in the ’90s. He is a punchline for his mush mouthed mumbling, an icon for his fearless geeking onstage, and a Hall of Famer for what his presence did to metal.

So of course Bob Rivers gots to has some of dat. “Have Yourself an Ozzy Little Christmas” is straight-faced and sweet as blood orange pudding.

Behold a Star: Wham!

Wham! was the Top of the Pops sensation created by members Andrew Ridgeley and George Michael. They helped shape the whispery androgyny of the ’80s pop music scene, even if they flamed out quickly.

The Boy Least Likely To chronicles their struggle with fame in “George and Andrew” (no, it IS a Christmas song). This is sung in the style of Wham! (pastiche) but it’s totally a shout out to these boys. Happy Holidays!