Tripping Bells: Maryjane

Marijuana instead of mistletoe for Christmas? Well i wouldn’t wanna eat the poisonous latter in brownies. Nor would i like to see slacker-nip stapled to my transoms. I suppose it depends on the frame of mind, and who’s coming over later.

Dent May sucks all the joy out of family and gathering with “I’ll be Stoned for Christmas,” a lounge-rock bit of melting melancholy that captures the wasted life.

Bob Rivers trots out the obliggo Dean Martin parody “I’ll be Stoned for Christmas.” But it’s all about alcoholism. That was last month! Too many cross-over slang sayings for both!! John Valby also takes drinking seriously (not comically) (well…offensively: BLUE ALERT).

Finally The Ronnie bus brings us a sticky-based parody in “I’ll be Stoned for Christmas.” On the other hand, it’s about NOT getting the tea in time for the twenty-fifth.

All style, no wit from Zak Scott as ‘Harry Khronick, Jr.’ with his “I’ll be Stoned for Christmas.” The word stoned is the only substitution in the entire song, but the wavery vocals and percussive keyboards sell this schtick.

Tripping Bells: Pot [BLUE ALERT]

Why try pot when the weather outside is frightful? Well, according to Garfunkle and Oates, it helps with your social interactions. But, as with many after-school specials, problems have a snowball effect and your skull-fucking leads to a “Scary F**ked Up Christmas,” not the least of your problems being Doug Benson as a paranoid Papa Noel hiding in the bed. Hyperactive folk.

Tripping Bells: day 1 (non-endorsement)

Achieving altered states, leaving the bodily plane, getting messed up is not the sole provenance of alcohol. Also looping in are many other recreational pharmaceuticals. Partiers partake around the festivals of wintertime for their own reasons, some not completely of their own volition. So let us take a step back and solemnly observe the psychedelic in forms leafy or pill, tab or syringe, patch or line as pertains to Christmas. In novelty song form, natch. [NO RECOMMENDATION OR CONSIDERATION EXCEPT IN HUMOR IS BEING AFFORDED TO ANY DRUGS: CARTELS, BIG PHARMA, ADDICTION ALL SUCK.]

I don’t mean to blur the lines, but the headiness of the holy celebrations might cause out of body altered states just pondering the miracles of the meaningfulness of the month. Paperbacks plays out that wild abandon with “Let’s Get Lit” like a Christmas Tree. No actual drugs are indicated, only goof-foolery. And we don’t want this month to be only about idiocy.

To indicate the seriousness of the subject matter we shall begin with the ’12 Days’ gateway parody, largely unfunny (unless you’re already high) and mostly lacking in wit or purpose. If these scare you straight, then so be it.

Purportedly Jack Black’s Tenacious D walk through their “12 Drugs of Christmas,” which is tagged as originally by Mushroom Tabernacle Choir back in the ’70s, when it had more giggle-impact.

Slightly more updated, Cypherden fetes Breaking Bad with “12 Days of Drugs.” This is more in-joke than actual narcotic reference. Sung like he knows better.

More lively, well more Renn Faire, come PlastGresham with “12 Days of Stoner Christmas.” This is more about the less illicit, or at least more recently decriminalized, drugs of choice. (Also grass-centric are “The 12 Tokes of Christmas” by Brandy Wakelam–gleeful; “12 Days of Weedmas” by Zar, Thaddeousz, and Crypton the Creature–amateur hour; “12 Blunts of Christmas” by Uncle E–monotonous.)

Zonked for the High Holidays

Alcoholics Anonymous get busy around late December. Let’s sing, in the basement of the church.

12 steps… 12 days…? Couldn’t help it! Mishka6487 sets the process to music so you can remember it better. “12 Steps of AA” is just sweet enough (has to keep checking her list) to make me almost respect it.

Martin Nesbitt elicits guffaws with his folksy portrayal of sliders and slippers at “The Alcoholic’s Anonymous Christmas Ball.” Crowd pleasing isn’t easy with this subject–it’s not nervous giggles, guys. Hello, my name is–what was it again?

Yaupish for the High Holidays

Alcohol for Christmas? How ’bout not?

We’ve already had J. Denver ask Daddy to not drink, but the rest of you might resist the elbow bending.

Riesa Rose Harris sings in her kitchen–perhaps as a bulwark preventing the guests from storming the liquor cabinet. “Non-Alcoholic Christmas” is strong country-gospel and she’s got presence. I wish her house had better acoustics.

The Bob and Tom Show presents “We Won’t Get Drunk This Christmas” as a show stopping laugher. It’s a talky roster of regret over vomit, harassment, and accidental violence. You know, the usual. Cue the lafftrack.

Kindevog rip on Tool’s ‘Sober’ with “A Sober Christmas.” Raunchy fun if a touch BLUE.

Jonah Lee rock a “Sober X-mas.” Sobriety here is court ordered, so i guess we laugh at him. Again, a dash of BLUE. (Last minute has outtakes.)

Lunch at Allen’s turns the humor upside down for a melancholic, soulful slow Celtic country number “Sober Up for Christmas.” Damn, now i feel crummy and heartbroken. Well, Christmas is a time for hope and redemption.

X-ened for the X-mas High Holidays

The etc. cast of characters for the Christmas traditions have been known to tie one on as well.

“Rudolph Drank the Moonshine” might seem a funny little idea for a song, but The Christmas Hillbillies apply themselves in country-bluegrass high form to create a catchy little number.

DØMT squeeze funny out of punk with “Rudolph is a Drunk.” Fighting and vomiting follow.

John Stapleton plies us with a homegrown hymnal about when “The Elf Got Drunk.” Pretty folk rock with more talent than it needs.

Wrecked for the High Holidays

Just as there are critics on Christmas, some people don’t see eye to eye with Mr. Christ. They throw hard shade, perhaps out of self image problems, perhaps because of the post-colonial patriarchic oppression.

BLUE ALERT Kreise rages philosophical in their hard metal “Drunk Jesus,” but their existential dilemma is lightened part way through with a lovely Spanish guitar bridge. Drinking here is metaphorical and only the truly desperate would include this on any Xmas playlist. But… i kinda like it.

Less approachable, but just as BLUE are Assrash with their own “Drunk Jesus,” and Cumchrist with “Jesus was an Angry Drunk” (critical of scripture, but with a funny meme).

A marathon of busting rhyme, “Drunk Jesus” by Me$$’d Up is an epic adventure of pitting personal venal desires v. fallible martyrdom. Still BLUE, my lambs.

Gravity Wagon play their folk hard, but not so BLUE. “Jesus You’re a Mean Drunk” may begin Sunday school, and it may be a lively lesson in the humanness of the Messiah, but these guys are playing music for two different songs.

Voracho for the High Holidays

Rolling in the Christmas holiday, one might say we’re imbibing Christianity. Too much JC might result in impairment of the physical form.

(Psst–actual drinking of fermentation may result in misbehavior regardless of intent, see “Drunk for Jesus” by Readhard.)

Reverend Deadeye screeches the blues in “Drunk on Jesus.” Room for one more at the pearly bar.

Uncle Carl, however, cautions in clear blues syncopation “Don’t Get Drunk on Jesus.” I do believe these songs have something in common.

Angela Tibbs sings like a drunk cat, but has a message for you. In “Drunk on Jesus” she instructs us how to take in Sunday’s word. It’s a trip (to heaven).

Under the Influence for the High Holidays

I’m not running low on alcoholic Xmas music, but i have an odd subcategory to share with you: drinking/drunk with Jesus. These songs hardly mention the holidays, but it’s thematic. And some of these rock.

Leave it to Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon to get déclassé on “Are You Drinkin’ With Me Jesus?” Honky tonk rock with just the right levels of snark: can you walk on that much beer? Guffaw. The Gravel Spreaders pick and grin on this song, too. Still funny the second time.

Roy Payne takes a moment to scare the bejesus out of you with a quiet country “Drinking Beer with Jesus.” A sermon at the fount. (Cheap shot on Jerry Springer, though.)

Thomas Rhett drawls out his “Beer With Jesus” with a bit more ham-fisting preaching. This is deep country, boy. Got God?

Hopeless alcoholism might turn around with the miracle of Christmas. Mark Gostnell introduces us to his bottom of the barrel life in “Jesus Talks to Me When I’m Drunk.” Keep your sponsor’s number handy for when this growling folk piece winds up.

Here’s a rocker for you. Red Elvises rockabillicize some Latino for “Drinking with Jesus.” These Russkies command me to party. I must obey.

Tight for the High Holidays

Hey wait–that’s not Santa who’s drunk, it’s Daddy!

The big dog of novelty songs for drunk Xmas daddies is John Denver’s “Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas).” His angelic voice makes this saccharine slice of cheese barely tolerable. Alan Jackson clones this into a hit for a later generation, adding but a nasal twang. Laurie Leblanc makes it swing, honky tonk like. The Original Five stamp bluegrass all over it, and make it a party. Crossfire makes it lounge rock, just about a 6 on the Elvis meter. Sean Na Na makes it surfer rock, with bongos man. Harry Buttocks and the Hemorrhoids make it punk, but sweetly. Hot Socky make it punk, but nasty.

Smiley Bates slurs his Canadian country music all over “Daddy’s Drinking All Our Christmas.” That’s honky tonk music what’ll give you a hangover. Tommy Hester covers this with a bit more crooning, just as much pain.

A man and a couple chords can strum up a story. Rod Picott even adds some violin and a splash of percussion but keeps his “Dad’s Drunk Again on Christmas” simple and moving. It’s not just a song, it’s the funny horror of living in that household.

Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen bring the sentiment home for me with “Daddy’s Drinking Up Our Christmas.” These down home musicians who smoked every brand of country there was (and hit once with ‘Hot Rod Lincoln’ in ’71) know how to effect every affect out of strings and vocals. Drink it in, cousins. (The Christmas Jug Band have a sadder version. Skip it. John Guliak over enunciates his pop version. Skip it too.)