As a cheeky break in the wind of drug-oriented Xmas carols, here’s a 1966 novelty from ‘Little’ Georgie Holiday NOT about sniffing glue. In order to trap Santa in the house, we’re getting out the paste pots, and we’re going to “Have a Gluey Christmas.” Tee hee hee. I fooled ya. (No, there aren’t any songs about huffing or sniffing for yule that I’ve taken note of.) (But Peggy King with the Mitch Miller Band also plotted “I’m Gonna Put Some Glue Around the Christmas Tree [So Santa Claus will Stick Around All Year].”Actually–that’s pretty creepy.)
Despite the product placement success from Breaking Bad, meth gives little comic relief to Christmas music.
Dan Robertson tries, however, with “Meth Carols.” (Then it gets racist.)
You know there’s slim pickings when I include a ’12’ homage. Let’s Talk Figures go downtown with “The 12 Days of Methmas.” There’s a recipe in there, guys.
Crack and crackhead-ery are a state of being as much as a physical/psychological condition.
Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits present “Spending Christmas on Crack” as a medley of horrifyingly humorous Christmas parodies enthemed with the tragedy of human suffering. Not so much with the actual drugs. So there.
Now don’t remember, kids’ songs and human despair are a comic contrast that can’t miss. “Frosty the Crackhead” is a labor of love from Charlie Price (it seems to go on well past its point). Sores on his face? Tell me more for two more minutes! “Frosty the Dope Man” from Keith from up da Block is slightly less successful. But the karaoke soundtrack is sprightly. JoeyCast has a bit more BLUE fun. Knock Out ups the beat (also BLUE).
Karl Bingle borrows from ‘So They Say’ with “Crackhead Christmas,” setting the scene for an unholy night with pretty strumming.
The crack cocaine for Christmas jingles are, take it from me, nothing to lose your teeth over. The lesson here seems to be: once you’re on crack all other drugs are gravy.
Tony Marese from ThatsNiceDOITAGAIN.com brings you the “Crack Heads Christmas Song” set to ‘Rocking Around’ as if squalor and decay unto death were fodder for a sitcom. Sue the gasp/laff track.
Likewise The Crackheads sift through the bottom of the drain for the stereotypes (mostly hillbilly redneck) in “The Twelve Steps of Xmas.” Moving on….
More thoughtfully, Gregory Page & The Wrong Trousers figure why not smoke crack given the absurdity of the whole hell on earth Christmas represents. “Crack & Christmas” rolls out gently like a steamroller going 3 mph. You can get out of the way, but you may be too hypnotized to resist.
Don’t forget the lighter side of cocaine for Christmas! What was it? Oh, here!
Stage Door Guy deadpans a cowboy ballad: “Cocaine for Christmas.” He’s suffering for his art, but it barely shows.
Aleksei Archer reframes “White Christmas” OF COURSE about cocaine. Subtle, unless actually you listen to it. (‘Schnife’?!)
Christ Sampson pokes the hip hop bear with “White Christmas (Cocaine).” It’s not exactly comedy, but it’s not street. More like lane.
Just as unfortunate a rap number is “Ho! Ho! Ho! (It Looks Like Snow)” from White Lightning, P’Zilla and Chinchilla. They can keep a beat. But the moral of the story is: are we famous yet?
Parody hit and misses for cocaine here. “Frosty the Cokehead” by CC Streetz is a near-miss. It’s so sweet. Isn’t it a sweet one? Bob Gautreau does the Jimmy Durante impression for his “Frosty the Blowman.” Look, Mommy, the old man is singing about young peoples’ problems! sibbaldk in a similar vein tries “Frosty the Dope Man.” Tries. Friday the 25th drops a ghetto beat on theirs. Lickety fun. By this point The Funny Hat of America sound old hat.
Bree Essrig & Brett Erlich go to some trouble to ruin ‘Frozen’ with “Do You Want to Do Some Blow, Man?” I say yeah. To the ruination, that is. (Yeah, this is obvious: Doctor Panglos does this, too. And The Tokyo Fever. And some big half naked tatted up guy named Roccy.) (And lounge hagstress Loretta Jenkins killing “Let’s Do Blow” should be overlooked.)
Just one more line before we leave cocaine for Christmas.
Can rockabilly capture the up-the-nose Advent experience? Try on The Dammit’s “Cocaine Christmas” and shimmy for yourself.
Perhaps punk? The Dirtys play “Cocaine Christmas” like they’re wired on something. Hey, I like positive feedback like the next guy. But what’s the next guy doing–hey, you!
BLUE ALERT Apple Drank gets nasty with the cocaine rap style in “White Christmas.” Dropping rhymes here seems to be a pun fight. Meh.
Inca Jones goes meltingly modulated for experimental rock in “Cocaine Christmas.” Wait, is that good or bad?
Let it snow for Xmas! Our less than zero drug of choice from the yuppie era is your basic blow. A bit spendier than some brands.
Stitches self destructs large withdraw fueled holiday pieces. “All I Wanted was a Kilo” is dirge paced hip hop complaining about all the problems that might go away with the administration of certain powders.
Experimental garage rage rock from NNMaddox with “Cocaine Christmas.” Less apology, more industrial living. Be the machine for the holidays, i double dog dare ya.
Let’s review the menu of illegal pharmaceuticals with the help of funny man [BLUE ALERT for the love of GOD] Jelly D with “Fucked up for the Holidays.” A broken hearted man with a guitar and a drugged up calendar. Won’t see ya next year.
More enumeration from our Canadian friends So Big Hits. “High on Christmas” is just the joyous junk music you want to get that monkey on your back.
We’ve passed through the gateway of weed. I reckon it’s time for some hard stuff. Generically at first.
I’ve previously offered “Santa Doesn’t Cop out on Dope” but only in the Martin Mull original. Sonic Youth has a wacky turn at it. Greg Hawkes‘s live version allows the irony to shine through more blindingly.
Defiant Bear rollick “Santa’s Dope” with a chimney cleaning back beat. That helps the horrible violence go down.
