Waffle House takes the hot-cake when it comes to holiday hosting. Apparently their jukeboxes in some parts of the country features original Waffle House songs by ardent artistic regulars. So excuse the 12 Days bit (hate those) with “The Waffle House Twelve Days of Christmas” by Bill ‘the King’ Hoger. Even worse is another 12 Days “A Waffle House Christmas.” (At least they’re obvious enough to sub French toast for French hens.)
See, what we hope to have girded our gut for smells more like David A. Stephens with “Christmas at the Waffle House.” Banjo fun and melodic gutpunchery. Yeehaw.
Down home and honky tonking Hilton Walters belts out “Another Waffle House Christmas” like a troubled woman from the ‘Sixties spelling out female woes country style to the befuddled masses. Sling that hash, swing that smash.
Wake up Christmas, whaddya eat? Who cares–let’s have presents!
No, now, you know the rules, first a nutritious yet merry breakfast….
Ohh—-kay.
Nathan Puts is quite pleased with himself for his seven seconds of comedy in “Christmas Breakfast Song Ideas.” Okay fine bye.
Xmas morning eats are so underplayed, however, some of us crave breakfast when it’s all over. Merrym’n dolefully shake up the traditions with “I Want Oatcakes for My Christmas Dinner.” ‘Course that may be only because they’re Brits, and the only decent meal in the UK (the only meal not boiled) would be breakfast. A lugubrious rock ballad.
When you don’t have breakfast before presents, the repercussions may be dire. “Breakfast with Santa” by Fortress of Attitude foretells the cautionary tale of trouble by which may we all profit. I know it’s talky, but it’s worth it.
Man waiting for Xmas cannot live on sweets alone. Songs about the other food groups have peppered the media for years. So lets follow the bountiful ball through these comestible carols:
Rosie O’Donnell had her fifteen minutes of talkshow host fame before she became a professional ‘pig.’ She even dropped an album of holiday duets with her willing guests. Here she salivates with Gloria Estefan (and admits to pigging out) with “I’m Gonna Eat for Christmas.” Psst–It’s okay to make fun of your own weight to the world in a pop song, it’s (theoretically) humorous!
[ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU PARODY ALERT! Doug the Pug internet sensation leads the lackluster shopping spree to “All I Want for Christmas is Food.”]
More silly parody from Pete LaMaster singing dad jokes to ‘Beginning to Look’ (with ample Star Wars references) a la “Holiday Eating.” He’s polite and discrete, so okay.
Be careful with your holiday diet: what sounds like more Plank Road Publishing bemoans “Don’t Eat a Poinsettia” for Christmas. Holiday romper rooms everywhere sing this one (we would hope WITHOUT a Mexican accent on the chorus).
Not everyone eats American for the holidays. Trinidad riddim mon Jahzy lets it all hang out with “Eat Muh Belly Full” without specifying too much exotic sauce (there’s wafer). Get up now!
Sunny Cowgirls recount an Australian smorgasbord (edible and in-) with their own wacky child-style pop song “Ate Too Much at Christmas.” Don’t spew!
After feasting on sweet stuff for a month, we have to deal with the consequences.
HPU nursing has an informational talent show (no winners, sorry) in “The Diabetes Song (The Christmas Song)” set to ‘Chestnuts Roasting.’ It’s a real downer, but full of helpful info about how not to die in this condition.
Stuckey and Murray have an angrier song “Santa Gave Me Diabetes,” which while fun folk rock AND based on a true story, still poops on your corn flakes with its cautionary tale of profligate sweet-eating. Take that, fun.
What about those other awkward bits on the Christmas cookie plate?
Gingerbread is not just a cookie! Richard Graham explores the architectural possibilities for the holidays with “Gingerbread House” a singing tutorial. What’s the kiddies’ mortgage on that playful dough?
Fudge can be overlooked for weeks on the great Advent platter and still be just as good! This number comes with a long spoken exposition, like those end-of-the-world movies. It’s a folk epic about a dead grandmother’s gift. “The Christmas Fudge” may haunt you, or you can skip it.
Leslie Adams screams “No Fudge for Christmas” meaning no treats of any kind in a house gone healthy. A fun song concept, but the voice changer was cranked up to whiny so… yeah.
Bonnie Legion brings us back to cookies, but this time they’re alive! Don’t bite them! Aiee! Wait–is that early Twentieth Century jazz/ragtime?! What a great “Christmas Cookie Song” almost ruined with video-making and special effects.
Okay, time for the plateful sampler of Christmas cookies.
Rap loves to infantilize with its pacifiers, saggy britches, and flaunted hedonism, so here’s a rash of hip hop Xmas ladyfingers: Wazo and The Elf achieve a lovely balance of kids’ song and dub step with “Santa’s Chewing on My Cookies.” This needs to be on a Disney album for pre-teens, stat. Suburban family style rap from Accordian Hank and Jonny V cuts up “Hot Christmas Cookies” with more bounce and modulated fun than it should. It’s Glee-ful. Buckwheat Boyz run a bit OG with “Milk and Cookies.” The G is for general audiences; this is family fun.
Playing on the Motown emotions Mr. Phill Wade may not mean “Milk and Cookies” like the other songs mean. This may be R-rated if you listen too carefully, despite the oblique Christmas reference. Make him wait ’til you’re ready, girl! Another branch of Motown RuPaul doo wops “Christmas Cookies” from her lovin’ oven. It’s just as suggestive. Not ’til you’re ready, boys!
If you unscrew that Oreo you’ll find the overweight folk of Keith Mendelsohn’s “Christmas Cookies.” The man can noodle out a warm aroma with his twinkling words.
Lady-style, Amanda Duncan leads the girl-troupe with “Christmas Cookies” like the Andrew Sisters. It’s old fashioned but attractive, in a sexy gramma way.
As usual we’re leading to rock. All musical styling leads to rock. So let’s end up with rockabilly. The Rockin Elfs bubomp “Christmas Cookies” with a little too much kid slant and enumeration. Spine bending ‘billy comes from G Love with his “Christmas Cookies.” This, fittingly revues all the sweets of this past month into one danceable carol. Swing those bars!
Laissez les bon temps roulez with a zydeco spin as “Santa Stole My Christmas Cookies” steals your feet further and Travis Matte reminds you why cajuns rock the house up on stilts (cuz of the swamp) more than elvisinators.
Nora Yockey retros a ’90s girl beat with a pop ’60s feel for her “Christmas Cookies.” A bit underdone but still edible.
Vaporous True doubles down on the girl group sound with electronica harmony by way of “Christmas and Cookies Song.” There’s a sadness here that feels foreign. (Maybe that’s just angst about whether or not they’ll get a pony.)
Musicals need shorthand to describe an idea. Christmas cookies fill the bill as a little detail with a big tradition to unpack.
Henry Noodle is a small time musical franchise by Tim McCanna. He’s pursued musical theater through the Cosmic Calamities of his SciFi hero. One such adventure saw our hero teaching silly girl aliens in skimpy costumes about Christmas. “Christmas Cookies” takes a minute to start, but becomes crispy and crunchy in its own special echelon.
Tina deVaron spreads her own show stopping message (and jazz hands) with “When is a Cookie?” Trust me, it’s a holiday song. And it’s got close up mugging, sashaying, and the drama of a torn family. Oh, and a recipe.
The Fairy Tale Pops is the 21st century version of sweatshop kids’ music. They crank out albums into dollar bins based on fairy tales Disney made movies out of but don’t own the Grimms’ copyrights to.
I don’t mean to malign their talent, verve, or business acumen (although their fan site has “0 fans” as of this writing). I think this flashy, percussive, bubblegum is just as good for children as Mozart in the womb. It has a formative place in human development.
I say all this because they have a complete album devoted to a particular Christmas cookie: The Gingerbread Man’s Christmas.
Featured tunes include the swinging pop “Gingerbread Man, Gingerbread Man” set to ‘Silent Night,’ a sassy ersatz-rock “The Chase,” and sweet harmony country style “Sweet and Tasty Pastry.” Set to ‘Up on the Housetop’ “The Great Christmas Eve Cookie Calamity” sets the whole story up, however, with vertiginous rhythms and electronic orchestrations out of science fiction.
Not that cookies are more kid-friendly than candy canes, but the pedantic Christmas chants for little brains add too much sugar and not enough spice. So here are our nominees for most over-enunciated, staccato syncopated, simply loud songs about cookies for Christmas.
Spelling the word cookies (with a mean Spanish guitar) Allie Jo Thomas folk-teaches the rug rats with “Christmas Cookies.” Short and sweet.
Kids like recipes and following rules, so mix that up with an Island beat as Maple Leaf Learning suggests “Let’s Make Cookies for Santa Claus.” Okay.
Slinging an agenda to the ankle-biters Cherry, the Resurrection Rabbit (unironically) sings “Christmas Cookies” in an undecipherable falsetto about cookies, Christ, and Easter. Huh?
More funny speech impediments from Patrick Roberage Productions, Inc. swinging the kids with the whiny complaints of crappy cookie making in “Christmas Cookie Jam.” Slap that grandma.
Playing the Goofy card Brent Holmes sings “The Christmoose Cookie Song” like a moose, though not a religious one. Moose are stupid and make kids laugh at them, in case you weren’t sure.
Silly hillbilly music makes kids kid like, i guess. Crime and dogs, banjos and harmonicas, John R Erickson romps and rollocks through “Christmas Cookies.” And if you learn about the history of American music in the mix, well fine.
Nothing like a military march to rouse the tots into cookie singing formations! This one seems like Plank Road Publishing (a hothouse of school assembly song production), but i don’t have a source. “Christmas Cookies” here features a fast and a slow side with a point counter point round for the finale. All i really hear are exhausted first grade teachers.
Perhaps a psychedelic sidebar? Todd McHatton uses cookies as a potent symbol for childish mythology. Yeah, that’s about right.
What kid songs can do is cough up a big production show tune like the renaissance of Disney musicals did back in the ’90s. Veggie Tales wants kids proselytized to Christianity with singing produce and a dash of wit, a dollop of talent, and I must say some delirium. “Oh Santa” features an anxious boy cucumber with a plate of Christmas cookies, three wisemen (asparagus burglar, pea viking with an odd trace of Hebrew, squash IRS auditor), cheap sets, samaritan examples, slapstick, and a bellicose tomato Santa. Take a peek:
