ReduXmas: Baby It’s Cold

Ahh, the 1950s, ostensibly the birth of novelty Christmas music (not counting Yogi Yorgesson or Spike Jones or… hmm, maybe the 1940s were the birthplace of novelty Christmas music. I must investigate further).

1959: Spike Jones is still trying it with “I Want the South to Win the War for Christmas” (feat. Phil Phillips and The Rebels). This isn’t quite as offensive as it coulda been. Swingin’ big band coolness.

1959: Clifford Charles Arquette plays the rustic fool as Charley Weaver with “Christmas in Mt. Idy,” an entry in pre-Woebegone countrified comedy. Chatty.

1959: Yay ’59! “When Santa Comes over the Brooklyn Bridge” is the wailing funky jazz blues doo wop, in other words, rock’n’roll. Jimmy Allen & Tommy Bartella don’t exactly nail it, but they try it on for size.

1957: The sort of novelty that you may be nostalgic for (widdle kiddie voices)! Kenny Bowers (w/Jimmy Carroll and His Orchestra) clown around as the feisty kid and the cornered Claus in “Weach for the Wafter, Santa.” Kids are just like us, but dumber and overdramatic!

1954: You thought blockbuster movies owned sequelitis! Eartha Kitt follows up ‘Santa Baby’ with “This Year’s Santa Baby.” Last year’s presents are SO last year. You can do better…. purr purr.

1953: I scored some of these from a 1980 Dr. Demento show recording someone posted, including this truly racist Harry Stewart (as the ah-so Asian stereotype Harry Kari) bit “The Night Before Christmas.” There’s your ’50s golden age for you.

Pete the Elf turned me on to Barry Gordon’s 1956 attempt to recapture lightning in a bottle like with the previous year’s ‘Nuttin’ for Christmas’ in “I Like Christmas.” OMG, does this kid LIKE Christmas. Bouncy band kid pop.

ReduXmas: Died. You’re Welcome.

Naughty words weren’t enough for my dark days. Soon enough I started scratching an ultra-violence itch for holiday songs. Killing and dying’s not so bad for Xmas; i figgered, Jesus did it for all our salvation. So let the jolly times rest in peace.

Taking Tim Allen too seriously, Danny Gonzalez plans “I’m Gonna Kill Santa Claus” so he can become Santa Claus. It’s all contracted out. Witty white boy rap.

Angry Johnny and the Killbillies have that old fat bastard in their sites with “Santa Gets His.” Rated: Holy God That’s Violent.

The Gatorhogs get drolly pop offkey with “Empty Chimney,” an eulogy for the missing present-guy. Habeas corpse?

Be patient with Watch Out for Rockets’s “Santa Quit Yer Foolin’ Around.” This pop-billy story leads you though Claus-icide of another gender. Foolish, but noirish.

Red State Update parody up Led Zepplin’s metal with “In Santa’s Time of Dying.” In memoriam kringle. (Settle in–this goes the distance.)

But, seriously, Santa–have you got a minute to talk about the dead? Diana Williams chats through the 1977 in memoriam “Goodbye Bing, Elvis, and Guy.” They dead, Santa. They novelty Christmas music dead.

Not quite about any particular historical event, the industrial pop “Assassination on Xmas Eve” by Archers of Loaf gets covered here and there. I like it by Into It. Over It. After the intro it’s breezy folk pop.

Jesse Maximum (Jmaq) knows a guy who knows a guy who can hook you up with “Murder Pie (For Christmas).” Unaccompanied jazz skat. He also has a robopocalypse number with “Iron Bells.” Murdered by the machine.

It happens. Even on THAT day. Nitro prog rocks “Johnny Died on Christmas” with just the right amount of hair. Angelic choir. Metal solo.

Down in the dumps of merriment, Ciggy Pudding BLUE ALERT bemoans “Merry Fucking Christmas, I Wanna Die.” Techno for kids. Streetwalkin’ Cheetahs live-wail up the blues more assertively for “I Wanna Die for Christmas.”

Melancholic unto dire ends are Atomic Neon (w/6.6.6. and Angel of Night) with “We Die at Christmas.” Get it over with already, all that goth garage drawn out folk messiness.

Incarnation alert! Barnes and Barnes growl out the carol “The Angel of Death is Near.” Ho ho oh oh.

The Big Message of Mortality comes from The Axis of Awesome. “Snata Claus” is a dirty old menace who might ‘choke your parents dead.’ Fear the homeless for Xmas!

Big finish with more Angry Johnny and The Killbillies with their coolcoolcool ghoul-billy take on redneck justice for the jilted with album and lead song “Bang Bang Baby Bang Bang Merry Christmas,” the story of inflagrante destructo; also “Big Ol’ Hole for Christmas,” a tale of where you’ll wind up out in the woods ‘cuz of your cheatin’ ways; and “Six Bullets for Christmas,” a hint about your gift–ya hussy! Man, there’s more from these backwoods maestros, but that last one is so jolly, i can’t go on.

ReduXmas: Naughty Word List

A natural response to the lovey-dovey songs from previous was to holler shit-piss-fartingdamn. So i scraped the bottom of the undies drawer for some mild profanity.

Trying too hard the Ozzie-styled tart Jenny Talia takes the piss with “I Wish You a Pissy Christmas.” Music hall, now with more sax.

Honorable mention to the comedy routine (not song) from Axis of Awesome, “Silent Night, Holy Shit!” It’s a ‘Cloverfield’-inspired song of noel-interruptus.

Also with less singing, Hunteroninski (BLUE ALERT) goes profane with the story of Christmas in “Shit, Shit, Shit.” They’re not exactly quoting scripture with their caroling.

The metaphor of terribleness gets the raspberry from Dr. Duke Tomatoe. Jazzing up the blues, “Christmas I Can’t Take It” subs in a phbllt! for every mention of the s-word. Cool, man.

The actual shit is addressed in Kristin Key’s “Rudolph, Don’t Go,” a delightful country cautionary about what to do before a long trip. Ha, she said ‘duty-free!’

Fa-la-la-latulence is harder to pin down, so Kevin Bloody Wilson to the rescue with “Grandad’s Finger,” jolly bluegrass about the miserable old cusses with their insipid practical jokes.

And here’s one more tasty morsel: Phil Olson’s “Grandma Cut the Christmas Cheese.” Polka time!

ReduXmas: Love Christmas

The first February of my blog was about LOVE. (This last February was HATE. come a long way, baby.) The songs are unimaginative at best. But a couple you can dance to. Here are a couple more bittersweet numbers.

“ChristmasLove” by Something Awful’s tvallier is not pure, true, or holy. She’s going to bring the toys. Electronic party experimental.

Leaning into Dylan, Matt Roach proclaims “Forever Christmas” I’m your man! It’s a declaration of devotion that any hardhearted woman would flee.

Go-go-gospel! Rita MacNeil uplifts with “The Gift of Love.” It’s about God, not the losing of her virginity!

Hard pop gospel from SuperHErose raps “Birth of Love” as a testament to dance to.

The rhythm sells it! RemBunction prongs the riddim of “More Love” on Christmas Day. More and more every day, my Irie Bae.

R+B pop bitchin’ from Jiggly Caliente who drags “Christmas Luvin’” over the giggly salsa of gettin’ what a girl want.

Seriously R+B, but barely Xmas-adjacent, “World of Love” by Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings bluesies out the condition of mankind and how to repair it.

Even more coolly retro, The Crystalairs doo wop “Winter Love” about that warm hearth deep in the heart.

JD McPherson gets me in the mood with his bluesy orchestrally rockin’ “Every Single Christmas.” Watch my moves!

ReduXmas: SciFi Messiah

Due to the number of geek/nerd acquaintances in my realms, i dug into science fiction (real aficionados hate the shortened form) Christmas songs. I had hoped to represent Christmas on Mercury and each of the other planets. Note to aspiring novelteers: only the moon and Mars are taken. So i settled for TV show fan fawning. A couple cool tunes did pop up Here are some more.

Piedmont Songbag answers the question What do boy-geniuses do when it’s April and they want holiday pageantry/presents NOW? “Christmas Time Machine” licks OG rock ‘n’ roll with some Jerry Lee flare. And a happy ending, unusual for their brand of iconoclasm.

“Rocket Ship Santa” continues the nasty rockabilly with The BellRays (feat. Lisa Kekaula, Tony Fate, and Bob Vennum). Flames a bit, but some by-the-numbers.

Rolling into rocking (alt) pop, Watch Out for Rockets settles their need for feline companionship AND technical upgrades with “Kitty Robot.” Brave new world that has such clickable purchases in it.

Finally some electronica! Control Volume randos out with “Robot Santa.” Brought to you by the Something Awful guys. Warned you.

Not to be confused with Kharmakray’s “Robot Jesus,” more a testimonial about church than holiday. But Christmas gets a call out.

The ‘Chocolate Rain’ guy from Youtube, call him Tay Zonday, has a lightly veiled topical metaphor “Alien Christmas!” Who would Jesus allow in? Pop loud.

Christmas Queens bring you Jackie Beat & Katya dragging the spaceways with “Bossa Nova Christmas in Outer Space.” Yeah, it’s got that beat. And some rap form romanticals. Fruit-cakey naughtiness.

ReduXmas: Chust Chanukah

My first few months of noveltychristmasmusic.com were punctuated with sidebars for other holidays: Halloween, Veterans’ Day. Thanksgiving, and the Festival of Lights. Man there’s fecund soil for cool tunes in the Hebrew observations (and wotta sense of humor)!

Few original songs about this holiday, the celebrators like their parodies of hit songs made jewtiful. As introduction, we should take The Bob and Tom Show with a grain of kosher salt for their “Goyisha Hanukkah.” Okay–funny. Or the weirder “Hanukkah Harry’s Revenge” by Shark Uppercut. Harsh rhythm, random sense.

Six13 finally get around to a Jewish ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ with “Bohemian Chanukah.” Bonus points for the Hebrew subtitles. But the a cappella acting out the instruments they vocalize deducts these points. And it’s full length. (Not necessarily a good thing when it’s so serious.)

The kids from the Shul at Bal Harbor parody ‘Gangnam’ with “Chanukah Style.” It’s also all out.

Vocally unrepressed Mor Efrat Bitton takes on Sia’s ‘Chandelier’ with her “Hanukkah.” Help me here: are Dunkin’ Donuts goy? Are they the bad thing?

Out of the Wayback Machine Ray Brenner and Barry Blitzer laffitup 1967 style with the minority concerns of Hanukkah during The Holidays with “The Problem” (a minute and a half of funny ‘Jingle’ parody with some news commentary shtick).

Jinkx Monsoon & Sherry Vine get parody traditional with “Hanukkah, O Hanukkah” a fabulous redo that queers the deal.

Let’s get our money’s worth with Smooth E (he’s back!) with “8 Hanukkah Parody Songs in Four Minutes“! (‘Burn Down the Wax’/Turn Down For What – DJ Snake and Lil Jon; ‘Menchy’/Fancy – Iggy Azalea feat. Charlie XCX; ‘One More Latke Without You’/Problem – Ariana Grande; ‘Gimmel’/Timber – Kesha and Pitbull; ‘Grandma Wanda’/Anaconda – Nicki Minaj; ‘(C)HAN(N)UK(K)A(H)’/Shake It Off – Taylor Swift; ‘Jappy’/Happy – Pharrell; ‘All About That Eight’/All About That Bass – Meghan Trainor) A bit low key without the usual studio quality, AND it’s FIVE minutes long. But the boy’s got it.

The parody of all parodies (today) will dare to mock Adam Sandler with “The Shiksa Song.” Yuval (kindofa Kosher Borat) enumerates the joys of goyas (sortof naughty, but really a nice boy). Check this out.

ReduXmas: ‘Merica-Mas

I scroll, i search, i sneak a peep most days for cool Christmas songs you may not have seen. For some reason, i thematize these into clumps. Each month (or so) features a concept and, since Christmas songs are about EVERYTHING, i include a hundred or so songs about Xmas about some special theme for you to peruse.

While i search for songs about Christmas bugs, i find songs about Christmas marijuana. When i narrow down to songs about Christmas pot, there’s another song about Christmas murder. But i already did that!

I’ve been known to re-edit past posts to add something phenomenal. The 28 June ’16 Manger Management post got an Axis of Awesome song added “I Love Being a Cow” a year and a half later–3 December ’17. What can I say, it was Awesome.

So i thought, why not just set aside a month every 2 1/2 years to add new songs for old ideas! Here we go…

Starting October of 2016 i posted 380 songs featuring the holiday season in the USA, state-by-state, territory-by-territory (about 80 concerning California). (Perhaps better entitled ‘MeriCa-mas.) Since then a couple more state-bound noels crept outta the composite.

5 Chinese Brothers slowly drawl out the bluesy “Christmas in Manhattan.” Childish wide-eyed glee with a jazzy back beat.

Back to the upbeat, “Christmas in Miami” is a snazzy party of high speed pop from Marc Sardou. Dancing shoes on!

Bluesy, nay drunken rock from James Slater delineates “All I Want from Santa is a Girl from Atlanta.” This is NOT woke, gang.

Reflective folk from John Styles tasks “Christmas in California” as a no-way vacay of soft play (hey hey). More like California in California.

Misty eyed for home? Even the south? Our social working pal, Dr. BLT tells it like it could be with country funkin’ “Christmas in South Carolina.” His downhome country “It Never Snows on the Streets of Bakersfield” fills in the gaps of his logic.

“Detroit Christmas Blues” is some odd bluegrass from Tim Pak. Don’t take my word for it… click that link!

Actual blues from Shelley King introduces you to “Christmas in Austin.” Fun.

Now that you’re weirding out, Shadow Disorder percussively alts out “Christmas in Michigan” as a stalkery love song of wintry expectations. Brr. My Christmas song list just shrank.

Pulling Christmas Crackers (BLUE ALERT)

Are all your presents hiding in the closet?! Get ’em out! Unwrap ’em! Insert ’em in your neighbor!

We won’t but celebrate gay sex for Xmas, but keep in mind that the damaging old-fashioned homophobic stereotype here is the crazed, overagressive predator. He’ll nail anything, anywhere.

Because gay pride has earned more acceptance so gradually over the past couple decades, some of these naughty bits arrive in the form of complete albums (hidden and exchanged behind closed doors so long ago). We’ll sample:

Yaoi Xmas Songs is boy-love, but often from girls’ fan fiction shipping on their favorite anime characters. From this collection, “Big Dong” parodizes an often overlooked ‘Ding Dong’ song that deserves what it gets.

The Go-Go Boys won’t be a household name (depending on your household) but they serve up some well-done musical parodies on their album Gay Apparel. I choose “We Three Boys,” not for subtlety, but for composure.

Unit 81 Productions also sings masterfully in no way undercutting the raunchiness of “Merry XXXmas.” Rock pop. Very fast.