ReduXmas: Jeeze!

With all the great music out there for our holiday’s founder (CFO: Santa, natch), i attempted to collate honorariums with ironies about that baby. Great songs are harder to find. So let’s party like we don’t believe!

First off, “Jesus Christ! It’s Your Birthday Again” reminds Wendell Ferguson with comic country timing. But who’s counting?

“Jesus the Reindeer” by Emmy the Great and Tim Wheeler plays havoc with myth-understanding the reason for the trees and candy. Fun alt.

Kids say the darnedest things. The Creek Church out of nowhere Kentucky took what kids said and made a soul-filled noel to Jesus with “I’ve Seen a Turtle Barf.” You gotta. Just look.

And Ages lectures us that Jesus is the “Reason for the Season (You Dig?)” with their garage folk. Otherwise, it’d be Bhudda-mas or Mohammed-mas. Yeah. Not so, like, holy.

Steven Courtney, as JC, allows “Jesus is the Star” and asks for a candy bar. Crazy R+B pop.

Smoky country from Three Day Threshold & Summer Villains proclaims “The Ballad of Baby Jesus,” like he’s a cowboy or sumpin.

Celebrationally, Holidelic funk up the partay with “Nativitay.” Take notes, the whole, cool deal is dealt with.

Reverentially, American Mars pop folks “The Little Baby Jesus” with just the right amount of woo woo country train sounds ushering in the new born.

Best of parody: The Withers land their song about the highway to the “Manger Zone,” a tease of Kenny Loggins’s 1986 ‘Top Gun’ hit song. With guitar solo. And sass.

Oddest is Barnes and Barnes Sunday schooling “Jesus is Groovy.” Full of faux pas (‘never cross…’ ‘get behind me and help me sing this song…’ ‘he really turns me on…’).

I also enfolded the fam for the whole birthing scene. “Proud Mary” by Watkins and the Rapiers wonders what Mary’s take on the whole Advent was. Not a Tina Turner parody. Well, not actually. Kind of.

ReduXmas: Merry Mistletoe

Pucker up! Mistletoe songs are a dime a berry, but most are olden. Fewer newer.

And some just mention the weed. Tenth Avenue North’s “Mistletoe (The Christmas Sweater Song)” is about love, sweaters, waiting… and–maybe one kiss at the end. Alt makes it sound worth it, though.

Others play childish. Well, a childrens’ play. Okay, a movie about a Nativity pageant in a school. You got me, the SECOND SEQUEL of ‘Nativity’ (‘Nativity 3: Dude, Where’s My Donkey’) features “The Mistletoe Song,” a romp about embarrassing your peers. (There’s a fourth film, as well as an actual stage musical.) (But it’s all British so it won’t impact you so much.)

Or you might introduce the concept with elementary rock’n’roll by way of ‘Tannenbaum.’ Seriously. Joe Dowell plays kooky for the teens with “A Kiss for Christmas.” In German!

Others shorthand the growth to springboard parody. The Withers get textbook with their “Mistletoe.” You might learn something.

Or pucker up the funniness of mwah mwah mwah! “Christmas Kisses” from Red State Update may not namedrop mistletoe, but it has to get a spin here. Odd pop.

Or cut directly to the dirty deed–“Top Under the Mistletoe” from lil aaron just wants some. Direct light rap.

Then there’s the whole hog. Boot scootin’ pop country (with narrative bridges from Sally Struthers) finales the Lifetime Christmas movie ‘Christmas Harmony’ about a big-city girl who… who cares what it’s about? It’s formulaic! The song “Everything’s Gone Missing But the Mistletoe” chronicled by Kelley Jakle and Adam Mayfield reassures the audience that all you need is love, and basic cable.

ReduXmas: United We Christmas Tree Stand (BLUE ALERT)

My collection of Xmas (about USA) songs was a mishmash of odd references. Couldn’t tell if i was saluting or kneeling. (Aren’t those both reverential?)

Take Brian Kinder’s “Fruitcake” song that invokes the founding fathers. What in the name of children’s music is that?

The Hamilton parody on Rudolph was so good, Six13 returns with a Hanukkah Hamilton, entitled “A Hamilton Chanukah.” Tangentially American. Wait, The Maccabeats do this, too? Theirs is called “Hasmonean.”

Most of the down home corpone i shoveled out was about how much we miss our troops this time of year (Marc Sardou’s “Soldiers Christmas” and Dr. BLT’s “Daddy’s Gone off to War (On Christmas Day)“), or about how patriotic we can be (Carly Clo’s “Christmas Time in America“). Talented, but so oversentimental as to be boring.

Biting the hand, Johnny Setlist pushes 1st Amendment limits with a BLUE ALERT bit o’ the irony “Christmas in America (Every Single Day).” Folkabilly that hits that mandolin hard, mocking by protesting too much in honor of.

Just as funning, F. Lobot intones ‘The Night Before’ to the karaoke of ‘Star-Spangled’: Yes, it’s “The Star-Spangled Christmas Tree.” Stand up, godammit.

What i DID not pursue that first iteration was that political ping pong tournament of Dems v. Reps. You want that hairpulling, read whichever news appeals to you. But i have found an irreverent easy listening country piece about how both sides should get along for the holidays. It’s BLUE ALERT time, so take a tranq, get comfy, and listen patiently to Red State Update’s “Divided Nation Christmas.” (It’s like ten years old, so historical… and what’s the saying about tragedy + time = comedy…?)

ReduXmas: Listless

Many holiday songs that promote chuckles poke childish greed with a stick. A few are retweetable, but not just about the one thing you want.

For example, Gordy Pratt unpacks the problems with making your wishes clear to S.C. in “Clause.n.pole.com,” a childish bit o’ toffee.

The importance of the Xmas list is underlined by King Lou Fernandez (Something Awful) in “Secret Santa Jambawamba.” This bossa nova rap is experimental dream jazz (bowling alley, golf links sfx) that may scare you to the pen and paper.

Then there’s just “Gimme Christmas,” the punk-lite extravagance of MxPx. A planet, hey!

Existential angst plagues Jay Brannan with a supercool alt exploration of the meaning of the holiday with “Dear Santa.” He wants nothing (more than just to believe). Don’t forsake him, Big Guy!

Different landscapes, different lists. Sean Morey gets third world vs. suburbia (for The Bob & Tom Show) with “Dear Santa.” It’s funny ‘cuz it’s so tragic–and bluegrass.

The usual list reads YOU, BABY. Creeping out the concept, Shark Uppercut continues the experimental collection with “Christmas Presence.” The uncanny valley of romantic thought.

The usual comedy list reads “Cash Cash Cash,” as in the jumpin’ folk tune from Heywood Banks. Now that’s a funny guy.

Is it enough? “I Want a Million Dollars for Christmas” romp stomp The Andersons! with some fun alt energy.

Also–a girl! Pop rock this side of disco from Bey Ireland detailing “All I Want for Christmas is a Go-Go Girl.” She knocks him out.

(Or, a better girl. Jenny Talia vamps up ‘Hippopotamus’ with “I Want a New Set of Tits for Christmas.” It’s funny because it’s so horrible.)

And… drugs! lil aaron is on bended knee cuz’ he (feat. Goody Grace) says “All I Need” is a bag of weed. And a friend. And backup. Needy elctro rap.

‘Course the other funny routine is to ask for CHRISTMAS TO STOP! “Dwarven Dirge” from Piedmont Songbag is a curmudgeons’ lament that this noisy time of year is back. And ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO SHUT UP. For “All I Really Need” for Xmas for them, refer to the beer section… then some other odd stuff.

Less usual is the super specific weirdness of Watch Out for Rockets’s soft rock “All I Want for Christmas is the Criss Angel Platinum Magic Kit with Over 250 Magic Tricks.” Just get it for ‘im.

And then there’s the disappointment espoused by The Roundheads in their pop rock “All I Got for Christmas was a Brick.” What exactly did you ASK for? That magic trick kit?

The traditional straight-up letter to Santa comes unironically from Brian Kinder. “Dear Santa” is the children song of cowboy hopes and dreams. (Socks, no; guitar, yes.) Play along, kids. It’s fun

ReduXmas: Dance Like Santa’s Watching

Another sloppy category: a number of songs i used referenced the kind of music, which (for the kids) was the kind of response we might have spasmed to react to this or that genre. I had hoped to find a particular holiday step or routine with each number.

Rock, for example. “Santa’s Rocking Machine” is a great song from Watch Out for Rockets. But it’s rocking the rock, not walking the walk. Still great, just fudging the theme. (Now i can only think about fudgey themes.)

Wait, you thought Santa sambaed? “Santa said, ‘No Samba’” according to Jerry Becker. You might wanna warmup first. It’s pretty frisky; he’s going to change his mind.

What we really want is the latest holiday craze like Girls With Glasses counting out the “Itchy Sweater Shake.” Infectious pop, albeit short.

Where’s the rave tune?! V2A infects us with the “Christmas Day Virus” so that we must all da-da-da-dance!

Or, more basically, Red State Update calls out the moves for “Christmas Dance.” Shake it like you wrapped it. Rock pop. (Watch out for the fake out ending.)

Or, more childsihly, “Rocking Christmas Stockings” from the String Beans. Very easy beat. Very boring kid pop.

Or, more awfully, JossiRossi gives us Something Awful with “Sexy Christmas Dance.” It’s so bad, it’s actually bad.

Or, more ‘comically,’ BenDeLaCrème suggesting “The Nativity Twist.” Na nana na na, crazy little number! Follow that star now! Everybody donkey!

ReduXmas: Santa Jobs

Not sure i ever made this concept clear. What if Santa was ANYTHING else? Not the embodiment of largesse. Not the one-night wonder. What if he was a brother, a father, a lover, a criminal? what if he had ANY other job?

What would that be like anyway? Arrogant Worms wakes us up and looks us in the mirror and pop rocks “Oh God, I’m Santa Claus!” There for the grace of God….

“Santa Claus Wants to be a Rock Star” from Dr. BLT reimagines the old elf as a struttin’ strummin’ douche bag. Now you rockin’ see!

The Castle Arms go more alt with this theme in “Rock n Roll Santa.” Haunting.

Is he dropping out off-season? Bowling for Soup posits “Even Santa Needs a Break Sometimes.” Power rock pop to see his overworked point of view.

Maybe he was from poor beginnings? “Santa Had a Dream” is a marvel of folk country from Adolphe Adam chronicling the WV coal miner who wanted to fly with animals.

Dr. BLT (feat. Jerry Rothberg) also wonder if “Sometimes Even Santa Needs a Shrink.” Here, Mr. Claus is the everyman who demonstrates how normal seeking therapy must be. You can do it too now with talky folk instruction (and subliminal sax).

Is that him lying there all homeless and stuff? “Sidewalk Santa” is actually a date proposal to pick up some dead ringer. Matt Roach is so confusing but folk rock cool.

The poor guy’s a victim so often. Piedmont Songbag wants to know, What’s so sad as a “Santa on a Crying Jag“? Hawaiian blues that makes you think.

Then there’s the optical illusion of ALL those Santas. “The Santa Claus Parade” is that Dixieland influenced clap-along Watkins and the Rapiers nails so well.

Garrulous Gordy Pratt gets country talky with the terrific take-off “Take This Santa Suit and Shove It.” He’s done. Anything else but THAT gig.

Will he let us down? Barnes and Barnes try for a Tiny Time sound in their “Santa’s Gone on Strike.” The bastard!

A loser! “21st Century Santa” is on the unemployment line in the alt-lite folksy Matt Roach ode. He’s replaced by our indifference! and computers!

A bad guy! Santa as hard-ass enforcer leaps out of Dr. Duke Tomatoe’s “Look Out It’s Santa.” Retro rock with a bluesy crunch.

Perhaps a… monster? “Serial Santa” from Jmaq may just techno-terrify you.

We’ll take some time for name calling now that we’ve called him out. “Santa is an A**hole” calls out Erin McKeown with fun lilting cowboy rock.

ReduXmas: Toymakers Local 1224

Airing the grievances of subordinate Clauses led to many songs about how much these oompa-loompas like to slave away. I worry about the subtext for children to sing-along. So i made sure to insert surly, nasty, and violent songs about elves and their workshop. Politically speaking, this idea has legs.

First, some introductions: “Adam the Elf” is experimental concerto from Iline (Something Awful presentations). It’s that name repeated to medieval minstrelizations.

“Elvie the Elf” is a cornball country kiddies’ canticle by Billy Kringle. That’s the most deadpan ‘tee-hee-hee’ i’ve heard.

Ruby Rivers just refers to the overworked interchangeable mote as “Little Elf.” Jazzy sadness, but beautiful.

Now, some parodies: The Withers give us what we asked for, mocking Idol’s “Dancing with Myself’ in the form of “Dancing with my Elf.” Completely satisfactory. (Well, better than the Divinyls’s spoof “I Touch My Elf” from them.)

Drag queens Manila Luzon and Alaska Thunderfuck stomp through the show tune “Working Holiday” addressing the highs and lows of the craft concentration camp. Their harmony is labor-inducing.

The overthrow comes from Ivy Winters (the same album: Christmas Queens 2) in “Elfy Winters Night.” This is a power diva jazz manifesto, somehow ambiguously covering overwork and not enuf sex.

It’s gonna get CRAZY “When the Elf Comes to Town.” The Roundheads have warned us with their garage exultations.

Watkins and the Rapiers settle the negotiations with “Arise Ye North Pole Workers,” a hollering chant calling out the fat cat. This one goes out to my late father-in-law and surviving sister, shop stewards both.

ReduXmas: You Auto Have a Merry Christmas

I knew of some odd Xmas songs concerning automobiles and one thing lead to another. For all the roadster rock, however, there were as many trucker numbers about helping out delivering presents. And also some inbetween the category bits. What else is on the back lot?

How could i forget Lindsey Buckingham’s overtired “Holiday Road” from that one movie that time? That’s right, it’s NOT about Christmas! Not even when The Stone Lonesomes put in on a Christmas album with all the ‘billy you could ever want.

2 Live Jews parody ‘Frosty’ with “All Used Car Salesmen.” Funny, but no mention of holidays.

“Toboggan Boys” from Steven Courtney is not tired, but has a Beach Boys tribute that won’t quit. They’re movin’!

Farmer Jason digs deep into country pop with “Santa Drove a Big John Deere.” How’d i miss this cornpone?

“Christmas in My Car” reroutes the topic to the suffering of the homeless via Do You Hear What I Hear (feat. No Kisses for New Years). Conscientious rock.

From the blues side, Matt Roach starts with Christmas in my car for “Christmas Blues ’95.” He gets around, but he’s not happy.

Bryan Kennedy is more down home with the plonkity-plonk in “Santa Drove a Dually.” The fiddle sells it. Cody Romshok goes electric with this.

Molly Starlite & The Sputniks saunters through “Hot Rod Christmas” without the need for speed. Slo-mo ‘billy.

Roadster rock should sound like Slant 6 and the Jumpstarts. Or is “HotRod Christmas” just a bit too familiar?

JD McPherson parallels without pause in “Santa’s got a Mean Machine.” Jolly jazzy big band ‘billy. Go go go. Gone.

ReduXmas: Wrap the Rainbow

Get your adult coloring books out! Purple Christmas and orange Christmas and grey Christmas–it’s all in song!

Kick off with a bang. Grammarchist gets political with “Mr. Red Christmas” a Communist take on the ‘Year Without’ groovy tune. Make allowances for the experimental nautre of it all and we’ll be fine.

Gary Wu’s “Red Sleigh” is a pretend metal tribute to urban carnage in Santa’s name. Oh, you.

Dr. BLT addresses crop failure with his “Orange Christmas.” We’ll allow it, because of the funkiness therein.

And then he comes back with “That was Before Our Christmas Turned Blue.” The blues. Duh.

Marvin Gaye soothes our blues with “Purple Snowflakes.” Yes, it’s better than John Legend doing it. (Too pretty.)

Back to Dr. BLT with the best in color. “Black Santa” is a spoken word-rapped ‘White’-backed racially tense situation, diffused with humor.

ReduXmas: Calendrical Carols

Yeah, i bit off more than i could chew thinking i could find a Christmas song about each other month of the year. Only set aside half a month to do this three years ago.

Found some more.

The tough nut was March and April. Little did i know Benny Goodman had this covered with his smooth “Santa Claus Came in the Spring.” It’s a standard. How do i NOW know? ‘Cuz of the covers–Mark Shane’s Xmas All-Stars grind it up, Jeudi gypsies it up, Putney Dandridge fronting Johnny Mercer jazzes it up (like bands did in 1935).

Half the off-date songs about Christmas are in July. So here we go. Therapy Sisters swill down some steamy honky tonk with their “Christmas is July.” Highly recommended.

Piedmont Songbag leans into the jazzy heat with “Santa in July.” More than highly recommended.

The New Anxiety gets jittery with “Christmas in July in December” ‘cuz, you know, climate change. Damn. Why bother celebrating or loving one another? Pop folk. Slightly recommended.

K-Drama raps out his joyous reckoning “All Year Long.” No, it’s not an excuse to leave the decorations up!

Salsa bet-up pop from Midwest Merry Makers brings us “Christmas All Year Long.” More brotherhood for its own sake. Yea.