Year-round Yuletide oddities
Santa Claus is such a strong symbol that he seduces all of us. Boys, too.
Einar Mathias Egenes’s “Super Sexy Santa Claus” is a flamboyant, heavily made-up electronic dancing queen.
Kiki (also Continental, reference that spanking rod bit) get all anticipatory for their “Sexy Santa.” Pop bounciness, with a catty swipe at the Mrs.
Jack and Tyler get wry and rocking for “Sexy Santa Claus.” Straight-faced, but not straight.
While we are on the subject of the Clauses, what about Nick?
Back to SNL for Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Kristin Wiig to get dreamy about how “Santa’s My Boyfriend.” Retro ’50s rock’n’roll innuendo.
Karen Petrocella also torches with “Santa Guy.” This is not a ‘Baby’ takeoff, but a jazzy love song (barely PG-13, but steamy).
Steel Panther glam metals “Sexy Santa” just right for all the girls and boys. You’d swear it was the ’90s.
Soul steals the show with The Louisiana Blues Brothers and how they heard “Santa was a Freak Like Me.” He’s on the prowl for the naughty.
Almost convincingly straight Dejan Milićević as LAZZ presents himself as “Sexy Santa Claus” with limp MOR rock and a lispy accent.
The Theme Song has an awesome collection of one-minute bust ups over whatever the beef of the moment is. Nasty time for Santa with this playful rap “Merry Motherfucking Christmas.”
“Naughty or Nice” is the moaning pop guzzle we’d expect from Francine the Queen of Obscene. Very, very naughty.
The Mulaney Sisters raise the roof to thank the Netflix ’18 flick ‘The Christmas Chronicles’ with their “Sexy Kurt Russell.” That ‘Christmas leather daddy’ is the present they want. (To ‘bone,’ not open.)
From the feminine viewpoint, sex can be measured in disappointment. And no better example is that of underrated Mrs. Claus. Does she even have a name? (Well, but, how many?!)
SNL’s Aidy Bryant showcases a “Please Skip Christmas” song about her neglectedness. Nice try.
Brazzers (uh oh) presents “A Lonely Milf at Christmas,” a not-so-blue jazz number with an extended intro and overlong outro and middling talent (Kagney Linn Carter).
With even less quality, but more depravity comes Rico Loco and “A Booty Call for Mrs. Claus.” Country Western porn.
I believe we’ve basked in the superior parody of Bob Rivers’s “Me and Mrs. Claus.” Giggle giggle.
Tau is into “Ms. Claus” and goes electropop to raise your eyebrows. Re-owr.
Flip the script, it’s girls’ night at the novelty Christmas music chorale. Now, we’re woke enuf to know most of the songs about women are about men’s fantasies and are at times insulting, and at others criminal. But we’re here to shit all over everything any way…
Instructive male psyche goes into the little boy who wishes to Santa for a “Vagina for Christmas.” He’ll take care of it just like it were a hippopotamus.
Supposedly uncomfortable boardmen are mind altered by Andy Smushkin’s folk soft rock video “Christmas Cunnilingus.” It’s National Lampoon approved. Killer psychedelic guitar solo.
Let’s keep you in the mood with even more exciting Xmas tunes that’ll lift your pants.
Allstarbandit elctro-Djs “Dirty Horney (Under the Misteltoe)” as a dance experiment in lusting up the joint. I give it a 7, Johnny: i don’t unnerstanem, but i can bump2it.
“Horny at the Holidays” by dadaists Barnes & Barnes might cool your jets. Ironic eroticism is curious, but offputting.
Santastic is a labor of love by DJs, mashup artists, and the like, sampling all the hits to recreate new experiences for you and yours at the holidays. Mousee T and The Dandy Warhols are spliced up for “Horny Christmas” as doctored up by Loo & Placido off the Santastic 6 album. It’s easier to just lissen up.
Other significant contributors to the sexualization of Christmas carols include the gonzo pyschobillyist Mojo Nixon. Neil Kirby McMillan Jr may be retired now, but he has left a legacy of ’80s frat boy scream-alongs that echo today with the the truth of sexual imperative.
With The Toadliquors 1992 Mojo gave unto us Horny Holidays! an album of blue material including “It’s Christmas Time” where the blues bust loose in a cry for lovin’ that is found under the belt area.
The cover of Jimmy Butler’s “Trim Your Tree” maintains the strain on the buttoned-up pants.
Horny Claus is a prime actor in “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.” This rambles, shambles, and doublebacks. Man, that’s the nastiest!
Time to recognize the few, the brave, the messed up groups out there who make an effort to eroticize the Advent for their own reasons.
HC Weinberg & His Midwest Merry Makers kerfuffle out of Seattle to jug band out the holidays with a wry ol’ creepy uncle wink. Beware, these guys only know one tune.
Their album Christmas Makes Me Horny from a couple years ago warm up with the innuendo of “Santa’s Little Helper,” a tribute to little blue pills(??) with some horny horns and cheerleader cheers.
“Frisky the Snowman” is also naughty-lite blue grassing this time concerning the romantic sojourn of a certain iceman. Frankenstein’s monster had the same trouble.
The ‘Uncle and Aunt approved’ version of the title song is “Christmas Makes Me Frisky.” Stop here if you redden easily.
The same song done earthy is “Christmas Makes Me Horny.” Basically the same thing. No BLUE ALERT necessary, but i got nervous and pressed the button prematurely.
What’s a guy going to do with a penis around Christmas? Well, if he can’t give it away, he might just gift himself.
On the one hand, Ross Everett claims “No One Jerks off on Christmas.” A lively folk carol.
On the other hand, Ivor Biggun asks Santa to “Give Us a Wank for Christmas.” It’s give and get for this Brit jazzy pop bit.
MacLean and MacLean choral chant “Merry Christmas Handjob” about as matter of fact as you can get. Give those boys a handtowel.
Has a penis ever been a present?
Perhaps you’ll remember ’06 with Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg and a little ditty they called “D*** in a Box.” The Holiday version.
Has a penis ever written a letter to Santa?
Just so happens i came across Buck Hujabre singing Angela Chan’s “Sad Penis Christmas.” No real Alert needed here, it’s loads of innuendo (see what i did there?)… but it’s a real show stopper. And yes, the penis wants love for Xmas.
Now that we’ve brought up the penis, what shall we sing about for the holidays?
Dr. Danny Roadkill is aroused to sing about his “Christmas Boner” in a soft ukulele folk sort of way. Amateurish marvel, but not very long.
Euphemism alert: Evulva has a stumpy alt bit (supposedly Christmas-ified here) labeled “Erect My Heart.” Not foolin’ anybody, boy. Especially with that last line–gasp!
How about the near miss? Lil Mikey warbles how “She Gave Me Blue Balls for Christmas.” Bluesy (natch) rock. Awww.
Nerf Herder garage rocks “I’ve got a Boner for Christmas.” No hurry to put that away, and seems to be enjoying expressing himself.