Xmas Tech Support: email

A handy dandy means of communique since the 1970s (for some), the elctronic-mail didn’t quite bury the USPS but it has become the default unfiltered word vomit for our age. Whatever you think–there it is! (It’s replacement is in the works.)

Rosie O’Donnell’s “I’m Gonna Email Santa” actually was a cover (duet) of little Billy Gilman’s hit(?) from 2000, aka “Santa.com.” Gareth Pritchard adds the honky tonk.

More giggly silly children’s drek from some Broadway lyricist sung by 13-year-old Kara Oates (voice of Dora the Explorer), “S.A.N.T.A. Dot Com” is all show tune (piercing, man, piercing).

Even worse is the so-called precociousness of Treypac McKaughan, who at not-quite-three, squalls “I Wrote an Email to Santa Claus.” I hope he asked for ADHD treatment.

Son of Hog gets the snotty kid routine down with “I’ll Just Send an Email to Santa,” a bouncy beerhall twist of sarcasm we can all sing along to.

Xmas Tech Support: fax

The future was ours in the ’80s with pagers and home videogames and… the telefacsimile. Now, like in Star Trek, messages could be beamed through wires to be recreated onto what seemed like paper for a lucky recipient miles away. Only a dollar five per page at the Kinkos to get that info to your landlord–don’t forget the cover sheet.

Some 1990s school assembly song touted this wild technology with pop dance party disco in “Fax the Facts.” It’s not your father’s letter to Santa!

Xmas Tech Support: GPS

The Global Positional Satellite system is more military development we have co-opted for our own miserable little lives. Sorry, but the masses are so greedy and will twist all the killing tech for mod cons. You know how you are.

“Santa’s Solar Sleigh” is Bryant Oden’s Songdrop’s kidsong to caution us about abandoning traditions (Rudolph) for the convenience of new stuff–like laser lights and GPS. Blame it on Santa’s brother, Bob.

Amateur front room murmuring from Suzanne Bautista also bewarns that when “Santa’s Got a GPS” then something something something.

The Krimas Kookies get barbershop quintet country for their “Santa’s Got a Garmin.” (If you’re not sure what that brand is for, perhaps a scary commercial will help you out.) Turns out the doddering oldster needs help finding your insignificant person for gifts. Hokums up with this stuff?

Xmas Tech Support: computers

Computing devices have been around since the Bible (when was that?!), but the electro-version that has become our beneficent overlord kicks out in the 1930s (thanks, WWII). Most every bit of tech we will concern ourselves with in our little timeline hereafter is some weird descendant of this mechanical thinking apparatus. So let’s sing!

Brian Gari admits “I Want a Computer for Christmas” with retro shu-bop rock naming all the components, cuz it’s funnier that way.

Joe Algeri has a precious folk/pop ode to “Computer Xmas.” I dig the dial-up intro, psychedelic outro, and can’t-turn-off-the-drum-machine interlude. Dynamite stuff.

Xmas Tech Support: atomic aside

Not precisely a means of wishing Merry Christmas, the splitting of the atom still added a chilly air to all humankind. At least o couple of songs celebrate this big bother for the holidays.

Oh, sure, there’s ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic with the 1986 novelty standard “Christmas at Ground Zero.” This jump jazz still holds up the humor standard even after excessive plays.

Perhaps you could try the nihilistic minimal pop of Goop, instead. “Nuclear Xmas” is the Devo-tastic tune that electronically gets us bobbing and clapping to Armageddon. ‘Nuff said.

Xmas Tech Support: television

Where would Christmas be without television? In the home, individual, special. Instead, we have the homogenized milky white dreams that all see when we close our eyes. Ahh, America.

Oh, i’ve supplied you with Xmas on TV type songs before. There’s always a couple more….

The Skootles point out (with alt-jingle bell) that “Christmas on TV” is not the same as reality. It’s rather soothing, think i’ll just turn my mind off for a minute–

Justin Lacy serenades us in that’s-not-quite-english folk with a hope for better. He wants a “Christmas on TV” then it’ll all be better. Then he woke up.

Xmas Tech Support: technicolor

The Twentieth Century begins with tweaking and developing the great inventions of the last century. Hence we jump ahead a few years. Adding color to motion pictures begins in the 1910s, but Technicolor (as a trademark) takes another decade.

Tommy & The Greyhounds are actually emphasizing something culturally significant in “It’s a Technicolor Christmas When You’re Jewish.” See, the cinemas are more empty on the 25th of December and some (chosen) people get them all to themselves. Ragtime folk fun.

Xmas Tech Support: jukebox

Not many years later, coin operated machines played the hits as those with silver selected them. (Although the first ones may have only unlocked the machinery so you could crank it yourself.)

Andy Beck and Brian Fisher continue to churn out the elementary school assembly holiday pageants with their “Jingle Bell Jukebox,” a jazzy fast-paced showtune for very high voices.

Xmas Tech Support: phonograph

Still not to the 20th C with the advent of the gramophone and the oppo to hear full orchestration in the parlour at home whenever you feel like it.

The 1920s made the recorded platters more available with all that easy money of the Jazz Age. 1922 drops Edward Hare with “Santa Claus Hides in the Phonograph” a speech to amaze the wee ones. More of a song (mad rhymes anyway) from Harry E. Humphrey with “Santa Claus in Your Phonograph.” Both of these overlong demos end with actual music (Hare’s with ‘JBells’; Humphrey’s with a lively musicbox tinklefest–and mad laughter).

The Mangles deliver a “Turntable Under the Tree” with a punk ‘billy rock collection for all your audiophile needs. I’m goin’ ’round and ’round, too, catchin’ up with their twistin’ list of playables.