Merry Criminals! larceny

Envy rears its green eyes this time of year, so lock up your Daisy Springfield rifles! Domino-masked nogoodniks are a-commin’ for what you believe is yours.

The presents were stolen! in Scud FM’s “Christmas Crime.” Lounge blues highlighted with some disco electronica. But they even took the dog!

It was the “Selfish Elf” who stole it all! A bit of the old Bo Diddley from James Leo Oliver pointing blame hither and yon.

Psychedelic rap from Splish Splash and Youngicewater twist the real out of “Christmas Robbery.” BLUE ALERT, or is it?

Lyrical pop from Ages revives the ’90s enough to romanticize “Stealing the Season.” The miserable ones.

The Screaming Thieves light alt “A Christmas Story (A Robbery)” with smiling slight of hand. Dig the picking.

In a strange twist, Bah & The Humbugs bear witness to some punks “Stealing Nativity.” Simple vandalism you say? Lord no, the bastard.

Barry Thomas Goldberg & The Ironweeds shred the soft rock out of “Christmas Robbery.” Sweet thievery.

Merry Criminals! shoplifting

What a perfect time of the year to perfect the five-fingered discount.

Tamale House Migas Plate rowdy down the garage with “Shoplifting for Christmas.” It’s for the kids.

For the rest of the family Rx2 homestudios the chiming and rhyming easy listening “Shoplifting for Christmas.” Ask for anything–the size of his pockets!

Done Lying Down uses ‘that greedy little palm of my hand’ for some “Christmas Shoplfiting,” funky alt-blues rock with an agenda.

New Bad Things explores experimental garage with “Shoplifting You Something for Christmas.” Some of those boxers, ‘kay?

Merry Criminals! an inauspicious introduction

The holidays leave us more susceptible to criminal mischief than any other time of the year. You’re not home: breaking and entering. Your car is in the far corner of the mall parking lot: theft. Heightened emotions: assault. Resultant overdrinking: battery. Family: murder. (Okay, New Year’s Eve is hella worse.)

This is gonna get bleak.

C.G.B. raps the sorry story of sadistic elf managers, Krampus, and dope/gun-running in “Criminal Christmas.” BLUE ALERT to be sure.

Odd experimental mellifluousness, “Christmas Crime” by Philippe Tasquin (feat. Pierre Vervloesem, Didier Fontaine) mashes up coffeehouse lyricism with burlesque house ’70s symphonic rock to suggest an unreality of lawless holiday. (WTF?)

Tuxedo Bandido lightens the mayhem with organized crime, intimidation, and a little drug dealing in “It’s Christmas Crime.” Here it’s Santa on the lam with pop doo wop (not the lamb of God with manger poo).

Xmas Tech Support: clickbait

We’ll end with a ‘Watch the Skies!’ warning. The over-promise and under-deliver of some websites produces a fraud, whether to tally more views or to hyper-link to profit-making garbage doesn’t matter. Clickbait is an evil that reduces value to all adjoining properties. To learn more click here.

Ryland Adams goes for short and sweet with the rock pop in “A Clickbait Christmas.” This is peppy, fluffy fun–i smell a Hallmark movie opportunity!

Xmas Tech Support: instagram

Time to document your life with photos. Everything is photo ready and worth a million likes. I mean EVERYthing. (Not much of a novelty song topic, granted. Although i am Quite a Fan of College Humor’s Nickelback parody “Look at This Instagram.”)

From the album Christmas Party: Santa Goes Dancing drops the song “My Instagram.” Danceable, but Foxmelody has not given me much to Xmas about.

Webstar Malinda sings her one woman chorus (quit harmonizing yourself!) far an end-of-the-year parody of carols that ticks off the topic boxes, beginning with Instagram!, for a good/bad spectacle of aria-tic proportions.

Xmas Tech Support: selfie

The digital self portrait is the fodder of social media today, but did you know the Japanese perfect the art of ‘kawaii (cute) culture, which involves an obsession with beautifying self-representation in photographic forms’? Things that make you go Hmmm.

More elementary school assembly singing with “Elfie Selfie.” Upbeat pop showtune, if you need to annoy someone else.

Instructions included, Twelve 2 Five funk pop the “Christmas Selfie.” Just like with Xmas, it’s all about me me me.

Xmas Tech Support: Facebook

Blah blah blah social networking blah blah big four tech blah blahdiddy blah blah Zuckerberg. You know.

First: even though this isn’t the only social media outlet to sing about, let’s dump a ’12 Days’ parody all over it. The Socialist Series is a webisode biz poking at all things social media, and their “12 Days of Social Media” is actually a bit of fun. There, stop holding your breath.

Randy Franklin gets funky country with his homespun “Facebook Friend for Christmas.” Remember when the number of friends was a sign of personal wealth? Goofy times.

Xmas Tech Support: Myspace

The biggest website in 2008 (still around, yo) promoted connection and music and was sold several times for bucketloads of profit.

Emmanuel did it, a “Myspace Christmas” song about love and caring and rhythm AND blues. Skip the deepfake celebrity endorsements at the beginning, though.