The usual suspects around this time of year includes one slippery red-suited sneaky surveillor.
The Mafia Guys moan a minor key dirge “If Santa was a Criminal.” Pretty cynical… wait, i’m getting convinced of his nefarious ways! (Many crimes enumerated.)
In the BLUE ALERT “Santa Killa” Dark Half charges Mr. Klaus of burgling cookies, jaeger, weed, and the coin as well. That’s a rap.
Wendell Ferguson closes the case with “Santa’s Doing Time,” a gnarly blues recitation of injustice. A flimsy folk take on “Santa’s Doing Time for B and E” has Steven Pugh entertaining/horrifying the kids.
Nigel Cuff looks at Santa and sees two things: B & E. Rollicking rock with a tint of punk in “Santa Claus is a Criminal.”
As tragic as this social illness is at this warmest of times, attention must be paid to violence in the home over the holidays. I mean shit.
Danny Peralta’s “Domestic Abuse on Christmas Eve” is an odd way of observing the betrayal of the hearth. This unplugged guitar jam is all excuses and insults as if POV the abuser. This mumbling prevarication neglects even the mention of Xmas, which may be the unkindest cut of all. Cold.
“Who Mugged Santa?” does result in some jolly leg cast and merry missing toys. This odd Welsh kidsong from Carlton Lawrence with some dub step beats pulls no punches, or banjo strums–but there’ll be a happy ending if you can just hang on.
Unwanted and intimidating attention has been criminalized since 1990 in the ol’ USA (seeming to lead the globe in deranged surveillance). And during such a romantic time of year (i blame Hallmark), up your Xmas creep on the famous, prior intimates, or even strangers.
Light touch from The Fatty Acids who are in the first bloom of “Christmas Stalking” with some lovely retro ’70s rock and balladeering.
My absolute favorite weirdness i will repeat is Rocket Summer’s “Elf Creep.” It’s alt-tastic.
Lis Mata has a swirling pop number for “Christmas Stalking” which mashes up Taylor Swift and Mariah Carey (in the worst possible ways). The song, however, is disturbingly darling (‘Fatal Attraction’ for millennials).
The guy version from Matt Roach seems much more sinister despite the pop elements to his “Christmas Stalkings.” Domestic abuse call!
‘Let me be’ complains Dr. BLT of your “Christmas Stalking,” an experimental folk acid trip. He can’t have any Xmas fun without you being THERE.
Mary Cobham of The Maughams is “Christmas Stalking” Jay Ferguson (of the Canadian rock band Sloan) with slipshop pop (as verisimilitude for her unbalanced state) (i guess).
Surely it can’t happen to little old you…. But, “Santa Claus is Stalking You” warns Ella Rue with some graphic imagery you should steel yourself for. Jolly uke folk.
Tinhorn symphonia from Linnzi Zaorski is better at the playfulness (well, less torture) with “Christmas Stalking.” I can see a 1930s ‘Merrie Melodies’ cartoon rolling out over it.
Don’t take the kids! Not for Xmas! Oh, wait, Santa’s fair game. I mean, since ‘Nightmare before Christmas’ that’s just the cost of learning lessons.
While i might avoid the Danny Elfman original soundtrack, let’s cue up Romeon Hustle to see how “Kidnap Sandy Claws” plays in the ‘hood.
Draztik gets a BLUE ALERT with their mad rap “Kidnapping of St. Nick.” It’s all about unfairness of a closed economic system, but the video takes itself seriously (careful of the 1/2 minute epilogue where Santa gets back his).
Jim Boutell goes honky tonk with “Someone Kidnapped Santa Claus.” It’s all kidsong begging for the big guy’s return, but with beerstains and spilled ashtrays.
Get busy extorting, or get busy doing something else. Santa seems like a primo target.
Little Johnny peps up the parang with “Santa Blackmail,” which comes across more threatening from his youthful energy. Give the Barbadian kid what he wants!
Apart from some footage of bank jobbers in Santa-guise, the idea of robbing a bank around Christmas is ludicrous. Banks aren’t even open at Xmas!
Overkill has a poppy naughty bit of B&E with their “Xmas Song.” There may be masks and guns and crews so let’s include this lovely novelty here. (The song ends halfway through with a gasp of a BLUE ALERT then reprises. ‘Sworth it.)
So Souveniir’s “Christmas Bank Heist,” while emo alt-fun, may not involve any actual crimes… maybe arson. But it may be the fever dream of another disaffected loser. Still, weee.
While codified and proscribed over 50 years ago, identity theft is now more than ever the new mantra of fearmongers everywhere. Digital age drawback, dudes.
James Schramm does a half-minute of driving pop honky tonk with “Christmas Identity Theft.” But it’s all about the cosplay. And forgetting to turn on your clones’ ‘phone.
Envy rears its green eyes this time of year, so lock up your Daisy Springfield rifles! Domino-masked nogoodniks are a-commin’ for what you believe is yours.
The presents were stolen! in Scud FM’s “Christmas Crime.” Lounge blues highlighted with some disco electronica. But they even took the dog!
It was the “Selfish Elf” who stole it all! A bit of the old Bo Diddley from James Leo Oliver pointing blame hither and yon.
Psychedelic rap from Splish Splash and Youngicewater twist the real out of “Christmas Robbery.” BLUE ALERT, or is it?
Lyrical pop from Ages revives the ’90s enough to romanticize “Stealing the Season.” The miserable ones.
