Year-round Yuletide oddities
Christmas Day may be a time of peace, but not peace officers so much.
While “The Court’s Closed on Christmas” has more to do with The Eradicator’s need to play squash, i like how the obscenity makes it blur into a more urgent urban need for justice. At Xmas.
Sky Saxon does not want to spend “Christmas in the Courtroom.” Bluesy mushmouthed ‘billy brings conscience to the fore, just like it should.
The long arm of johnny law is still reaching in late December. So don’t think you’ll be getting away scott free, you dick.
Taking the high horse, The Christmas Pranksters rewind us to 2009 with a ridiculous Christmas shopper thinking he can buy what he wants (Tickle Me Elmo) when no one else can. “Arrest That Ragin’ Gentleman” is caroldy that’s sing-song sweet, but past its sell-by date.
The usual suspects includes that old breakin’ and enterin’ bagman. Bob Gronowski’s “Santa Claus Got Busted” is a swingin jazz tribute to a misunderstanding of tears and cheer. (Quitcher drinkin’, Santa!)
“Santa Got Busted by the Border Patrol” has its country pop fun with the transport system, but don’t worry, kids, Kevin Fowler (feat. Ray Benson)’ll work it all out!
Mr. Cork plays with the consequences of when “Santa Claus Got Busted!” This hand-clappin’ electric piano rap blues gets a bit graphic, boys and others. Be careful.
Even more tragic, when “Santa Got Arrested” Arrogant Worms run the whole procedural through a sad pop song of The End of Christmas As We Know It. Oh No!
I can’t look. This is the worst. Even ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ isn’t this offensive.
The Bronze Cooter giggle their amateurish way through white insouciant, supercilious ignorance with the callous “Christmas Rape.” They saw Santa and mama under the Christmas tree with folk stylings. Then it gets worse.
Kunt & The Gang spell out how “It Can’t be Rape (It’s Christmas)” with elementary educational kidsong. Yeah, really.
Begging for forgiveness, Pariah Carey admits “All I Want for Christmas” (you read that right) is acceptance after all the (alledged) rape (and murder). Reflective punk, if you dare.
El Privates admit the insufferable horror here but want to teach by example of the singing rapist in “A Christmas Warning.” Heed the pop bouncy stomach churning breeziness.
You don’t buy presents for just one person, do ya? So why would you kill just one person at Christmas? Let’s go full Herod and let God sort ’em out!
Angry Johnny and the Killbillies, once again, take us to mayhem-ville explaining why “Daddy Won’t be Coming Home for Christmas.” You know. But it’s rockabilly, so listen anyway. They attempt parody with “Slaughter in a Winter Wonderland” for those who like that sort of thing. BLUE ALERT
Leaning into the pscychosis Santa’s Angry Elves starts out with arson then moves up to “Murder by Christmas Tree.” Those carolers deserved a metal demise.
Captain Bob Frapples didn’t mean to kill… twice. But in the rock pop “Merry Christmas Murder” he’s willing to replace his wife by dressing as her. Anyway the yellow latex Santa hat goes or i go.
Least Christmassy, most murder-y “The Murder of the Lawson Family” (sometimes known as “The Story of the Lawson Family”) wails out the Daddy Lawson murder-suicide of the seven-member clan (a teen-age son out on an errand reportedly missed the whole thing) on Christmas Day 1929 North Carolina. Sharon Needles does this honestly but with old-timey filters and sfx which cheapens it just a smidge. Elephant Micah does this hauntingly with tom-tom and saw. Doc Watson adds a lilting pep to it–traditional yes, but eww. I do like Dave Alvin whose pacing and range adds gravitas. The Stanley Brothers are most reverential with this first of the tellings.
Look at all these presents i got for Christmas, i made a killing!
Kunt and the Gang roast Mike for drunk driving and vehicular homicide for the holidays in “Killed a Kid at Christmas.” Hilarious (dark) British sketch musical.
The same thing done suitably depressingly blues rock (Tom Waits-ish) spirals down with Billionaires Club in “Happy Holidays from the Taggarts.” What coulda been dysfunctional-family-brutal takes its time to ballad out a horrifying manslaughter. I mean really upsetting. Guess that makes it an I-dare-you song. Don’t look away, or i’ll double dog ya. (I happens to love it.)
Revenge of the Egg People have a bone to pick with Father Christmas. “Seasons Greeting Felony” is a rock party tribute to taking the life you didn’t want to have around. Ouchies.
Plead temporary merriment! Wanting to kill someone shouldn’t be so bad for that time of the year. But, after all, Santa is watching….
“Frosty is the Devil” and announces how bad he wants you dead, according to the metal of Santa’s Angry Elves.
The Hatchet Family want to BLUE ALERT “Kill Santa Man.” Rap premeditation. Unnastand?
Princess Rizu cosplays videogame antics with the parody “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Murder.” The quickest way to a man’s heart is through the chest wall with a sharp knife.
Out of fireworks for the holidays?! Load up the Official Daisy Red Ryder Range Model 1938 Air Rifle BB Gun and blast in the Lord!
Angry Johnny and the Killbillies go ’round the neighborhoods “Shootin’ Snowmen” as a Christmas tradition. A little C4 for a carrot nose and voila!
Not a recommended way to avoid the family during the holidays, but an orange alert certainly will destroy the joy of your base of Xmas operations.
Jeff Dunham, duh, has a terrorist comedy song from Achmed the dead terrorist, “Jingle Bombs.” It caters to the fearful.
Fortress of Attitude dances the pop out of “Bomb Threat Christmas.” What’s the last package left under the tree?? Oh no!
I’ve dipped into Xmas drug snuff plenty before. But there’s always room for one more narcotics-related seasonal song.
A ‘Little Drummer Boy’ harmony parody (a la Bing/Bowie) funs up the crack problem. “Little Robbie Boy” by Spiffster is impressive in its awfulness.
Street troubadour Billy Basturd caroldy-es his “Drug Cartel Christmas” to ‘Jingle Bells,’ yet he’s riffing at warp speed. So i enjoyed parts of it.
Naturally as Santa is more powerful than us we joke about how he’s up to no good. But the finger pointing just got real.
At times the mud gets so flung pedophilia rears its childish threat. Kruxy croons “A Touch of Christmas” as a folky conspiratorial eff-you to Big Red.
Arlo Guthrie’s iconoclastic “The Pause of Mr. Claus” side-eyes the jolly old elf as if one of ‘these guys’ looking to get beat on by one of ‘those guys.’ He’s a dope-fiend, Communist, and worse through those narrow minds.
A treasonous militia seems to form around S.C. in the song “The Gift” by Do You Hear What I hear (feat. Screwy). Cheer and gifts are the weapons of his cult–so you’d better watch out. Electric blue grass.