Not Shit

What aren’t you getting for Christmas, you miserable one? You aren’t getting shit. That sounds reasonable at first, until you real the emphatic purposes of the ain’t.

Way back when, we visited Red Peters mocking an old Walter Brennan masterpiece with “You Ain’t Getting Shit for Christmas.” It’s real purdy.

Bob Wire and Chip Whitson get more funky rock with their “You Ain’t Gettin’ Shit for Christmas.” It’s telling.

Stevie B. calls from ‘cross the Pond to alert the slackers “Well, You Won’t Get Jack Shit.” BLUE ALERT for a proper comeuppance.

Underage rap from Daddy Hustle BLUE ALERT whispers out “U Ain’t Getting Shit for Christmas.” Not sure he means it.

White girl R+B lounge rap from Emily Miller testifies “You Ain’t Gettin’ Shit (For Christmas).” Buy it yourself, loser.

Uncle Daddy & The Skeeters get folksy pop with “Santa Ain’t Bringing You Shit.” Some layers of judgment here. You can tell because of the harsh percussion.

Let’s cut the shit. Heywood Banks is a comic genius and he can sing about how you’re not getting shit without saying the naughty word and being naughty himself. “You Ain’t Getting Diddly Squat” is the novelty we didn’t know we wanted. And–Big Finish!

NUTTIN’

Worse than coal, worse than punishment, worse than being singled out for negative reinforcement at Christmas… complete indifference. It’s like that Ally Sheedy line in The Breakfast Club: ‘They ignore me.’

When you don’t get ANY presents for Xmas, well–what? You just don’t know. Calendar’s wrong. Someone forgot. Address mix-up. Or, maybe you were just that bad.

“Nuttin’ for Christmas” is the 1955 chart toppin’ complaint about disapproval by omission. About half a dozen versions vied for position. You either know Art Mooney and His Orchestra (feat. Barry Gordon) from the tin hat wah wah brass, or Stan Freberg (with Daws Butler and the Billy Mays Orchestra) from the ‘join me in the chorus okay’ comic burglar bit. (We won’t worry about the others–well, maybe the it-sounds-like-the-chipmunks verzh by Kenny and Corky a la ’59.)

To make novel this old school novelty, let’s consider the washboard country of Sugarland (yee to the haw), the a cappella of Voice Male (updated lyrics: ‘spilled some oil in the Gulf’!), the pop punk of Plain White T’s (hyper meh), which i guess is the doorway to the heavy metal of the stable band from Regimental Records (no real surprises here), the funky gnarly blues of Scarlet Tree (à propos but surprisingly uplifting).

On the way to parody let’s also consider maestro Robert Lund’s “Nuttin’ But Spam” (not really Chrsitmas). Hey Co! has a delightful Prisoner Parody behind the karaoke of the Art Mooney music. Unlawful naughtiness fits, yeah it does.

Baby It’s Coal: ore not

We’re well out of coal for Christmas ideas for novelty songs, so let’s say NO to coal.

Les Barons slow bluesrocks ‘a Krampus song’ about how there’ll be “No Coal in My Stocking Tonight.” This psychological investigation into what you think of him is a bit scary.

Chandra Knudsen gets emo maudlin about getting YOU “Instead of Coal.” She doesn’t seem to believe in Xmas, but she ranges her pop all over the folk chords diva-style.

Baby It’s Coal: the opera

A ’90s gang of Philly musicians joined warped minds to skewer Christmas music. They took a while to rise above door-to-door cassette sales, but i highly recommend you lay your hands on whatever Hot Buttered Elves released, regardless of roster.

“Coal” is their 11 minute opus (apparently in several parts) about the ins and outs of striking black rock for the holidays. At times instrumental (haunted symphonic) at others experimental club (haunting beat poetry). Grab a cup o’ joe and settle back for this one. It’ll take you places you never dreamt. See you on the other side.

Baby It’s Coal: you was hoping for diamonds maybe?

The opportunity to squeeze treasure out of dirt ought to occur to more musicians taking on the ol’ coal for Christmas routine… but it’s just more metaphor.

Sampling old Xmas shows Jon Pablo’s “If I Get Coal for Christmas I’m Making Diamonds” is just an experimental stroll down musical possibilities. Certainly it’s fun, but not novelty.

LA’s drag Cavern Club Theater put on a little mucial revue around ’09 (entitled ‘JESUS CHRIST! It’s Christmas!’). The number here “Coal in Your Stocking” gets ugly, but Tammie Brown fronts The Boofant Sisters with vim and vigor to (attempt to) bring down the house with this show slower.

Baby It’s Coal: what?

Coal dust induced music for Christmas might be a punishment, but let’s listen to the weirdness of the 21st Century taking on Santa’s wrath.

Deathray Davies squeeze ’70s pop for all the irony they can in “I Got Coal.” Apparently a deal with the devil displeases Kringle. Jaunty oddness.

Passing critical on mankind “Santa Gave Me Coal” is a cry for global help from Inward Chills. Anything but that! Funky folk fun.

Industrial techno does a little something for me, so have you met “You’re Getting Coal for Christmas” by Professional Wrestling? This is a warning of sorts as we’ve already sampled, but the repetition without relief, the mechanization of music, and the ultra creepy puppet footage raises this to masterful commentary on Western Civ.

Baby It’s Coal: or is it?

After listening to too many songs about coal for Christmas, i begin to think it might be just a catchphrase or cliche, like ‘dog tired.’ It may just be some more noise to stitch lyrics together.

Skumbags’ “Coal in My Stocking” suffers from poor recording quality, but i think boys just wanna have punk. This song is about how rotten life is. So maybe the metaphor plays well.

Unoway seems also to be bitching, but the electronic smuzhup of rap and R+B in “Coal for Christmas” is just background moodscape for a desperate make out session.

Baby It’s Coal: missing you

You’re gone, you even left a note, so my Christmas is black and flakes off at the brittle parts.

Kyle Andrews (as one of The Bands Under the Radar) pop wails “I Don’t Want a Lump of Coal.” He does want your love. But he’s got to sing, doesn’t he?

Mumbling grief, gargling musicality, Andor wishes everything will be all right with the garage weirdness of “Coal for Christmas.” Nothing makes sense without you.

Dfonte borrows from ’90s UK melodic-harmonic jittery pop for the breathy “Coal for Christmas.” Seems they want to ‘keep the fire burning in your heart,’ despite you having left a year before. Love the emo beat.

Baby It’s Coal: heartbroken

Apparently coal in your Xmas Stocking is comparable to being broken up with. Something something metaphor no toys. I guess.

Rob Endo folks and rocks “Coal Stockings” with a fairly upbeat loneliness. It’s a party when you’re with someone else too.

Winner of a country station Xmas song “Coal in Your Stocking This Year” details the naughtiness of your breakup as told by Tyler Barham with such gentle tones it makes me wonder what happened to country music? It’s all Hallmark Channel saccharine now.