A Near Thing -6

I honestly shouldn’t pop this can of worms, but i have a special circle of halo reserved for the truly awful. Whether intentionally wisecracking or unenlightened and untalented, bad singers give me pause–like that first sip of seasonal nog. You shouldn’t like it….

Having consumed too much Fred Figglehorn, Mr. Crainer hyper-raps imbecilically “Merry Almost Christmas.” It’s all in fun. Are you having fun?

I pair that with the intentional atonal chaos from BERU “Almost Christmas.” Garage punk thinks it can do whatever it wants, because–I guess–that’s what defines it.

On the other stump, the amateur Sweet Sisters are just kids corralled into a synth-storm of recording “It’s Nearly Christmas.” Keep this for THEIR grandkids to hear later. I mean keep it, don’t share it.

Oldsters also need stricter parenting: piano impresario Malcolm Simpson hatchets open the jazz-rumpus “Christmas is Just Around the Corner.” Look away.

Dai [day] is a rambling randomizer, but he’s no rambler. “Almost Christmas” might tempt you into the it’s-so-bad-it’s-good territory. Recalibrate.

A song can show promise yet be marred by technical cruddiness. Veghalen posts a family Christmas song “Christmas is Coming” with wit and warmth. But the sudden religious pitch near the end makes this messier than it oughterbe.

A Near Thing -7

Riffling through my rolodex of musical genres i come across hymnal. Well, perhaps a bit more golspel-ish, these songs herald in the Advent of Xmas.

Sounds honkytonk rather than church, but Wild Bunch lays a gospel vibe on their odd “Almost Christmas,” a smoky, sultry psalmody. (Just had an Ally MacBeal flashback.)

Piano banging out the sins, raising voices to the rafters, nearly harmonizing, Michael Mills leads the group with a rousing “It’s Almost Christmas.” Can i get an exclamation point?

Just as disjointed, Stan Davis & Friends clomp into rock riffing “It’s Nearly Christmas Night.” The chorale is moral, oral, floral. I have no quarrel with it.

A Near Thing -8

Are you clued-in to check the beat? These swingin’ verses are straight from the ‘fridge, daddy-o. And they also pertain to the neighborhood of Christmastide.

If you try too hard, swingin’ cool gets loud and loungey and–gasp–showtune-like. Hence David Tobin’s “Almost Time for Christmas Day.” He’s one Hep C cat.

Marrying gospel and John Prine, John Field is his own man with “Nearly Christmas.” A bit loud, but my head’s a-noddin’.

Billie and The Haint plug in garage nonchalance with “Almost Christmas.” It’s a beatnik banger, a hippie howler, a millennial meltdown.

Actual big band swing is still a genre of historical note, so let’s apply ourselves to the sweet girl gang The Morning Report in their “Christmas is Just Around the Corner.” Wartime was warm times way back then.

A jugband ragtime lassez-faire meandering, “It’s Almost Christmas” ups the ante of local in-the-know dead on time. Hats off (then back on, ‘cuz its Chicago winter!)!

A Near Thing -9

The music I can ONLY swallow ironically is lounge swing pop. Surely it is never intended to be taken on face value….

Well Paul Rolnick is batting for the cheap seats with the ploncky “It’ll be Christmas Before You Know It.” IS he rolling his eyes? Naw, he’s icky earnest. Ew. (Billy Stritch might be pulling our leg with his silky version.)

Leaning into the curves (wait for it…) Joe Escobar sets up and eases into “Christmas Time’s Around the Corner” with such panache he didn’t even spill his martini. Smooth (except for that unnecessary brass.)

Piano jazz bar and a nod to Frank make Tom Deger & DarkHorse a nose ahead with their “It’s Almost Christmas Time.” Playful country electric and a drugged-out swirling helps.

A Near Thing -10

Here’s a fun twist on edging in towards Christmas: the countdown. Not twelve days of showing off. The thing like I’m doing on my titlings, you know ten… nine… three… etc.

It can be done horridly, like with this English Christmas Chorale’s “Countdown to Christmas.” Suitable for parents above the age of fifty sung by their grandkids. Just another easy listening casualty.

It can be done mindlessly, like Gia Farrell’s “Christmas Everyday,” a pop attack that lists the day of the week that could be Christmas. Hoo boy.

Oscar the Grouch reprises his big hit ‘I Hate Christmas’ with the duet “Countdown Christmas.” It’s Street, with Stiller the Elf. (Gots the soft spot for the Street.)

Connor Ratliff ticks off the months in “Christmas is the Best.” His growly folk pop is acid, though. Maybe he doesn’t mean best like you and me do.

The best on topic (via wordplay) is clearly Lee Harris swinging the pop of “Christmas is Counting on Me.” Stinks of top 40, and yet i am moved. Sue me.

A Near Thing -11

What’s worse? Insincere pop. That’ll work for anticipatory itching for Christmas to come!

Lala Deaton’s an obvious talent, but the uptempo jazz piano bar swing from the ’70s does her no favors. “Holiday Rush” is well meant, but gives me a TV headache.

King o’ cheese Barry Manilow flounces his way through “Christmas is Just Around the Corner.” It’s not so much effortless genius as phoned-in scmaltz.

“It’s Almost Christmas” is the bouncy froth that kids of all ages pretend they are too good for. Infectious, but not that good. Justin LeBreck, Kimberly Woycke, and James Marquis swish and boom like Christmas is fun or something.

Let’s pump it up to the funky rap-pop of Holiday Boiz. “Christmas is Almost Here” is peppy fun, not what funk or rap should be at all. Eyebrow raising.

A Near Thing -12

Some pop music seems so manufactured it’s as if a corporation strung cliches Mad Libs style over a tuneless beat. Easy listening. Middle of the road. Flavorless, but for some attempting.

David Meece is slinging the sounds of “Almost Christmas Time” as loudly as his vocal coach will let him. My ears are empty, though, and ringing.

Kidsong tends to pander in such an unwholesome way i believe only real squares can dig it. “I’m Almost Ready for Christmas” from Kidzone has such apple-cheeked gusto i’m tempted to adore it ironically. But, no.

Rob Hegel and Nataly Lola put the Bacharach in country music (not a good smashup) with “It’s Almost Christmas.” Is this about anything but mood?

Well, we need something good, so let’s put on some comedy. Sunfacer Productions fools around but gets to a folky rock over synthesized laffer “It’ll be Christmas Soon.” That’s how you sell mediocrity! (With an angry message sugar-coated with wispy woo-oohs.) Yea.

A Near Thing -13

There’s a languorous slow pop that plays lugubriously for emoting, not dancing. I don’t know (nor want to know) its peculiar genre, though sometimes i be digging on it.

Primordial Penguins slowly build to a plod their “Christmas is Just Around the Corner.” You could march into a graduation ceremony to this thing.

John Oriettas get reverb retro with “It’s Almost Christmas Time.” Lots of ahh-ahh background to get you in the (??) mood. I’m (????) there.

Ron Lehner schools them all. His not-exactly-folk, not-quite-blues wistful “It’s Almost Christmas” quietly hollers the need for joy. Not the joy itself. That’s telling them.

A Near Thing -14

Pop pop jittery pop, Pops. Popular music is what the market will bear, but it usually needs to be loud, repetitive, and nothing much challenging.

Folk Angel lays down a successful backbeat, but harmonizes angrily rather than angelically with “It’s Almost Christmas Time.” A pop of 2.0. (Out of 10.)

“Almost Christmas Eve” is the commercial jingle from In a World Music. It’s hyper and breathless. Then it’s over.

Driving the beat way hard, the cast of ‘CAKE’ la-lalala-lalas “Here Comes Christmas” in your face. It does what pop songs do well enough. (Annoys?)

Josh Wilson gets back to the sanitized syncopation of true pop with “Almost Christmas.” And yet, the strutting swagger has a little sumpin extra….

A Near Thing -15

‘Almost Christmas’ is more than a time, it’s a state of mind. Or so the following songs would dare you to suppose.

Vince Martin and Dawn Turlington bosso the nova out of “Almost Christmas,” an easy listening jazz pop pooper i’d expect to be the waltz music selection at the old folks’ home.

.38 Special admits that they’ve been waiting all year long for the night before. Their southern rock party anthem “A Wild-Eyed Christmas Night” does what it sets out to do, and its bad-boy enthusiasm for elves, reindeer, and coming down the chimney turns this standard rock into novelty music. Thanks, boys.