Category: rock

Are all your presents hiding in the closet?! Get ’em out! Unwrap ’em! Insert ’em in your neighbor!

We won’t but celebrate gay sex for Xmas, but keep in mind that the damaging old-fashioned homophobic stereotype here is the crazed, overagressive predator. He’ll nail anything, anywhere.

Because gay pride has earned more acceptance so gradually over the past couple decades, some of these naughty bits arrive in the form of complete albums (hidden and exchanged behind closed doors so long ago). We’ll sample:

Yaoi Xmas Songs is boy-love, but often from girls’ fan fiction shipping on their favorite anime characters. From this collection, “Big Dong” parodizes an often overlooked ‘Ding Dong’ song that deserves what it gets.

The Go-Go Boys won’t be a household name (depending on your household) but they serve up some well-done musical parodies on their album Gay Apparel. I choose “We Three Boys,” not for subtlety, but for composure.

Unit 81 Productions also sings masterfully in no way undercutting the raunchiness of “Merry XXXmas.” Rock pop. Very fast.

Are you laughing at the sexy times of Christmas in songs gone wrong?

Robert Taylor unabashedly lays into “Merry Sexmas” in a way that you wish he might learn the meaning of abash. A wild and crazy guy.

The Dan Band suddenly realizes that sex is the perfect gift in “I Wanna Rock You Hard This Christmas,” a fine power ballad of clueless charisma.

Bill Clinton might be the one to ask about ‘the definition of sex,’ but i guess we’ll include them willies and bajingos for our search of Xmas sex songs. When a man and a woman eat each other very much… well, mostly the woman… well, listen:

Margaret Cho and Red Peters revisit us with “The Christmas Gift,” all jazzy and smokey and unzipped.

JR De Guzman shyly tries out the naughty words with “A Christmas Song, Sort of.” Soft club blues to put you in the mood–to laff!

The Beaver Boys get nostalgically retro rock with “It’s Christmas and You’re Sucking on My Balls.” Santa features significantly, and a bit rudely. But surely you’ll forgive his indiscretions given the lively jazz riffs.

Santa Claus is such a strong symbol that he seduces all of us. Boys, too.

Einar Mathias Egenes’s “Super Sexy Santa Claus” is a flamboyant, heavily made-up electronic dancing queen.

Kiki (also Continental, reference that spanking rod bit) get all anticipatory for their “Sexy Santa.” Pop bounciness, with a catty swipe at the Mrs.

Jack and Tyler get wry and rocking for “Sexy Santa Claus.” Straight-faced, but not straight.

Dysphemism and Christmas needn’t be cacophonous. Nay nay! Let’s try on some sugar-coated songs with less than parliamentary language.

I guess ‘cuz i like the rock and the roll i find Fear’s “Fuck Christmas” euphonious. Sue me. It’s short.

The Mr. T Experience stadiums up the garage anthem with “Merry Fucking Christmas,” a positive greeting of some warmth. And beer.

Austin Litz injects a modicum of calypso into easy listening with the funny “Fuck You Christmas.” Swinging, soothing, sarcastic soft jazz. And the sleigh you rode in on.

Poppy neutered harmonica on Andrew Giachetti’s “It’s Fucking Christmas Time” too fun to miss. Don’t.

“Fucking Hating Christmas” is a winsome pop musing from Gary Agg that won me over quite a bit. I just listened to it again.

Jason Bieler’s Owl Stretching have a bone to pick with the calendar (its days are numbered!). “Fuck You It’s Christmas” is a newage folk protest about the meanness of the masses. Christ! (But it’s pretty.)

Amping up like ’70s party rock, Rollercoaster X sneaks in the fulminations with “A Merry Fucking Christmas to You.” In the nicest way possible, thank you.

Cursing is a jolly boys’ game. But girls can play, too. Women bear a significant load of Christmas jeer.

Let’s not overlook boys AS girls with DWV (Detox, William, & Vicky Vox) gettin’ jiggy wit’ it (or certainly suckin’ on it) for “That Christmas Song.” Nasty as they wanna be, boys.

Kim Wilde fronts Lawnmower Deth for a British rollicking prog metal “Fuck You Christmas.” Jolly that, wot?