Sure we’ve trundled through songs about mistletoe, love, and hookups. What’s next–? Oh, yeah. The destiny of promiscuity. <sigh> Ok, dawgs and bitches, let’s talk. You love that adrenaline shot of love (dopamine), but then you develop a resistance to the effects, and need a new drug. So shove off! Lookin’ past yo’ clingy ass!
Got it?
Scotty Sire raps out the plan. “Lonely Christmas” is the response to the about-to-plan. It hasn’t happened yet, but drama needs a stage. And he’s got some moves.
Still suspicious? Pick up his phone! More how-to from Joshua Gilyard presenting Queen of the Ratchet in “Ratchet of the Bells,” a BLUE ALERT lovely (near) a cappella tutorial on how to call him out in time for the holidays. Wrestle that, girl!
New Found Glory trounces Christmas as as bad as expected. And they’re dragging you through the blaming mud. It’s leading up to something pretty harsh in “Ex-Miss.” ’90s pop cruncher.
No one probably got the Luke Cage reference for the theme title here, but the songs about chocolate, cookies, and LORDY fruitcake filled the counters to the brim. (Do counters have brims?) So many more!
Sugar AND spice? John Legend visited the Grammy-winning ‘Colbert Christmas’ special in 2008 with an ode to “Nutmeg.” R+B delicious. You’ll be happy that you ate it.
German regret runs you through killedbycandy’s alt garage “Cinnamon.” Reminds you of happier times, like before you heard this song.
Filling out the recipe, The Withers go pouty parody with “Gingerbread.” (Somehow Something Awful’s Kruxy & Paladinus of All-Rush Mixtape make this even worse with their overlong version.)
Not so sweet are Brian Kinder’s Grandma’s “Christmas Cookies.” Plain old children’s mush-ic.
Back to our regularly scheduled comedy. Conan O’Brien’s talk show on TBS exuded a holiday jingle “Minty the Candy Cane Who Fell on the Ground” back the first year (2010). It’s not pretty, it’s not edible, it IS retro ragtime jazz pop.
Farmer Jason brings us back to the real Christmas sweetie. “Eat Your Fruitcake” power rocks (kidestyle) the golden-nuggeted double entendre of clearing out the garbage/poop by downing this December dump inducer.
Busting out the Buddy Holly beat, Five Chinese Brothers add musical class to the old “The Fruitcake Song” joke. Regifting is so different than retweeting, don’cha know.
Another sloppy category: a number of songs i used referenced the kind of music, which (for the kids) was the kind of response we might have spasmed to react to this or that genre. I had hoped to find a particular holiday step or routine with each number.
Rock, for example. “Santa’s Rocking Machine” is a great song from Watch Out for Rockets. But it’s rocking the rock, not walking the walk. Still great, just fudging the theme. (Now i can only think about fudgey themes.)
Wait, you thought Santa sambaed? “Santa said, ‘No Samba’” according to Jerry Becker. You might wanna warmup first. It’s pretty frisky; he’s going to change his mind.
What we really want is the latest holiday craze like Girls With Glasses counting out the “Itchy Sweater Shake.” Infectious pop, albeit short.
Where’s the rave tune?! V2A infects us with the “Christmas Day Virus” so that we must all da-da-da-dance!
Or, more basically, Red State Update calls out the moves for “Christmas Dance.” Shake it like you wrapped it. Rock pop. (Watch out for the fake out ending.)
Or, more childsihly, “Rocking Christmas Stockings” from the String Beans. Very easy beat. Very boring kid pop.
Or, more awfully, JossiRossi gives us Something Awful with “Sexy Christmas Dance.” It’s so bad, it’s actually bad.
Or, more ‘comically,’ BenDeLaCrème suggesting “The Nativity Twist.” Na nana na na, crazy little number! Follow that star now! Everybody donkey!
Not sure i ever made this concept clear. What if Santa was ANYTHING else? Not the embodiment of largesse. Not the one-night wonder. What if he was a brother, a father, a lover, a criminal? what if he had ANY other job?
What would that be like anyway? Arrogant Worms wakes us up and looks us in the mirror and pop rocks “Oh God, I’m Santa Claus!” There for the grace of God….
The Castle Arms go more alt with this theme in “Rock n Roll Santa.” Haunting.
Is he dropping out off-season? Bowling for Soup posits “Even Santa Needs a Break Sometimes.” Power rock pop to see his overworked point of view.
Maybe he was from poor beginnings? “Santa Had a Dream” is a marvel of folk country from Adolphe Adam chronicling the WV coal miner who wanted to fly with animals.
Dr. BLT (feat. Jerry Rothberg) also wonder if “Sometimes Even Santa Needs a Shrink.” Here, Mr. Claus is the everyman who demonstrates how normal seeking therapy must be. You can do it too now with talky folk instruction (and subliminal sax).
Is that him lying there all homeless and stuff? “Sidewalk Santa” is actually a date proposal to pick up some dead ringer. Matt Roach is so confusing but folk rock cool.
The poor guy’s a victim so often. Piedmont Songbag wants to know, What’s so sad as a “Santa on a Crying Jag“? Hawaiian blues that makes you think.
Then there’s the optical illusion of ALL those Santas. “The Santa Claus Parade” is that Dixieland influenced clap-along Watkins and the Rapiers nails so well.
Garrulous Gordy Pratt gets country talky with the terrific take-off “Take This Santa Suit and Shove It.” He’s done. Anything else but THAT gig.
Will he let us down? Barnes and Barnes try for a Tiny Time sound in their “Santa’s Gone on Strike.” The bastard!
A loser! “21st Century Santa” is on the unemployment line in the alt-lite folksy Matt Roach ode. He’s replaced by our indifference! and computers!
A bad guy! Santa as hard-ass enforcer leaps out of Dr. Duke Tomatoe’s “Look Out It’s Santa.” Retro rock with a bluesy crunch.
Perhaps a… monster? “Serial Santa” from Jmaq may just techno-terrify you.
We’ll take some time for name calling now that we’ve called him out. “Santa is an A**hole” calls out Erin McKeown with fun lilting cowboy rock.
The first February of my blog was about LOVE. (This last February was HATE. come a long way, baby.) The songs are unimaginative at best. But a couple you can dance to. Here are a couple more bittersweet numbers.
“ChristmasLove” by Something Awful’s tvallier is not pure, true, or holy. She’s going to bring the toys. Electronic party experimental.
Leaning into Dylan, Matt Roach proclaims “Forever Christmas” I’m your man! It’s a declaration of devotion that any hardhearted woman would flee.
Go-go-gospel! Rita MacNeil uplifts with “The Gift of Love.” It’s about God, not the losing of her virginity!
Hard pop gospel from SuperHErose raps “Birth of Love” as a testament to dance to.
The rhythm sells it! RemBunction prongs the riddim of “More Love” on Christmas Day. More and more every day, my Irie Bae.
R+B pop bitchin’ from Jiggly Caliente who drags “Christmas Luvin’” over the giggly salsa of gettin’ what a girl want.
Seriously R+B, but barely Xmas-adjacent, “World of Love” by Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings bluesies out the condition of mankind and how to repair it.
Even more coolly retro, The Crystalairs doo wop “Winter Love” about that warm hearth deep in the heart.
JD McPherson gets me in the mood with his bluesy orchestrally rockin’ “Every Single Christmas.” Watch my moves!
Are all your presents hiding in the closet?! Get ’em out! Unwrap ’em! Insert ’em in your neighbor!
We won’t but celebrate gay sex for Xmas, but keep in mind that the damaging old-fashioned homophobic stereotype here is the crazed, overagressive predator. He’ll nail anything, anywhere.
Because gay pride has earned more acceptance so gradually over the past couple decades, some of these naughty bits arrive in the form of complete albums (hidden and exchanged behind closed doors so long ago). We’ll sample:
Yaoi Xmas Songs is boy-love, but often from girls’ fan fiction shipping on their favorite anime characters. From this collection, “Big Dong” parodizes an often overlooked ‘Ding Dong’ song that deserves what it gets.
The Go-Go Boys won’t be a household name (depending on your household) but they serve up some well-done musical parodies on their album Gay Apparel. I choose “We Three Boys,” not for subtlety, but for composure.
Unit 81 Productions also sings masterfully in no way undercutting the raunchiness of “Merry XXXmas.” Rock pop. Very fast.
Bill Clinton might be the one to ask about ‘the definition of sex,’ but i guess we’ll include them willies and bajingos for our search of Xmas sex songs. When a man and a woman eat each other very much… well, mostly the woman… well, listen:
Margaret Cho and Red Peters revisit us with “The Christmas Gift,” all jazzy and smokey and unzipped.
JR De Guzman shyly tries out the naughty words with “A Christmas Song, Sort of.” Soft club blues to put you in the mood–to laff!
The Beaver Boys get nostalgically retro rock with “It’s Christmas and You’re Sucking on My Balls.” Santa features significantly, and a bit rudely. But surely you’ll forgive his indiscretions given the lively jazz riffs.
Flip the script, it’s girls’ night at the novelty Christmas music chorale. Now, we’re woke enuf to know most of the songs about women are about men’s fantasies and are at times insulting, and at others criminal. But we’re here to shit all over everything any way…
Instructive male psyche goes into the little boy who wishes to Santa for a “Vagina for Christmas.” He’ll take care of it just like it were a hippopotamus.
Supposedly uncomfortable boardmen are mind altered by Andy Smushkin’s folk soft rock video “Christmas Cunnilingus.” It’s National Lampoon approved. Killer psychedelic guitar solo.
