Worse than finding out that Santa isn’t who the media make him out to be, is finding out that guy in the mall is somebody else altogether.
The Kids get American rock with their punk attitude singing about how “The Santa at the Mall” sounds a lot like their Uncle Paul. Crushing Christmas revelation!
If we’ve learned anything from TV, we know the Bart Simpson terror of discovering it’s dear old dad who’s the “Mall Store Santa.” The Old Salts make it worse with this bluesy rock recounting of the old man perp walked by the cops out of the mall.
One of the downsides of being a mall Santa is the job. It’s not all guffaws and giggles. It’s, at times, tough.
From the Something Awful Christmas album, Ian Jenner outlines the requirements of the gig with the uncertain rock stumbler “Mall Santa 2.” It’s not pretty.
An Teeder runs out the road (garage) rock for the travails of the traveling “Mall Santa.” Feel the chimney, man.
It’s the bottom of the ninth, inns are full, here comes the star of Bethlehem… watchagonnadew? I recommend comfortable desert shoes.
The Waltons collab on a barely needed TV reunion to sing bunches of songs, including the tolerable folk pop “Follow That Star.” Apparently staying that course is all you need. Now you’re good.
Mariah Carey emboldens the cartoon movie ‘The Star’ with the title track, “The Star.” Unnecessary tremulo, belting out the ends of lines, whispery bridges… yeah, it’s her.
Countryside Church warbles out some thrashing rock guitar pop with “Follow That Star.” It’s neatly combed hair rock.
Sometimes a bell is not a bell, but more a… climax. Even at Xmas, fergawdsake.
“Jingle Those Bells” is Superion’s euphemistic take on S&M for the hollies and jollies. It’s worth the trip.
Fashionable Glasses has little use for all the holiday trappings, but YOU, baby, YOU matter. Especially when you got “Nothing But the Bells On.” Hard party pop, with just a twinge of ’80s rock. ‘M feelin’ it.
Some people just festoon the halls and bowers and hearths and passersby with the bells. They just hang there and look pretty–pretty Christmassy, that is!
Driftless Sisters “Hang a Little Bell” as step one in the process of celebrating. Soulful pop you might wanna take notes during.
Join hands and sing in a round with War Pony Dos. “Hang the Bell from the Christmas Tree” is that hippie folk rock we need to chant to create the spirit.
I remember an ancient comedy bit with Paul Reubens as Pee Wee Herman on David Letterman’s The Late Show. He shook a coffee can full or rocks (or summat) and chanted the acerbic host’s name again and again with every rattle. That constant noise brings madness. So with Santa having to listen to that gay get-out-of-the-way chiming of the bells from his sleigh all night.
Be Your Own Boss Entertainment irks out some rapping with “You Hear Them Bells Go.” Santa’s not so happy now.
The Soundtrack of Our Lives retros a blazing ’60 Invasion beat with “Jingle Hell (Stuck in a Chimney).” I’m not following the lyrics all that much, but i gotta share this monster mash.
If i say Jungle Bells you don’t say -wha? You say -oh, a Jingle Bells takeoff. How many musicians pursue this wordplay you ask?
The Superions conga out in “Christmas Conga (Jungle Bells)” about the Santa shenanigans you usually see in The National Enquirer. Not so much with the jingling, however.
Tubba3ply mash up the ska and the electronic for a mystical night of “Jungle Bells.” It’s downright pagan-tastic.
Succumbing to the primitivism of modern-madness, GattuZan also UK-punks up the pop a bit with another “Jungle Bells.” But there’s no escape from the fa-la-la refrain.
Full reggae mad, Skindred rocks out “Jungle Bells” with a master backbeat. YEAHH!!
South African Blues Broers have more literal claim to their “Jungle Bells,” a litany of the animals (not exactly) adapting to the holiday spirit. A little rockabilly, a little folk-pop. Just a little.
Vincent Cardinale just goes hokey folk with his kidding “Jungle Bells.” Plenty to grunt along with here. And a lesson.
Best up is the repeated entry “Jungle Bells (Dingo-Dongo-Day)” by Les Paul and Mary Ford. Catchy as malaria! Thanks, 1953!
The traditional carol ‘Jingle Bells’ is its own holiday. People celebrate the song by rocking and dancing and partying in their own denominational deviations after just a whiff of its wildness. Be advised, bells matter less than booty here.
“Jingle Dance” from Rembunction features choice shaking of body parts to an infectious parang riddim.
1961 is where you want your wayback machine to show your moves. That’s when Chuck Blevins lays down “Sleigh Bell Rock.” Straight from the fridge, dad. The modern rockabilly of Three Aces and a Joker also allow for the picking them up and putting them down.
1960 may be too far gone for this kid. “Xmas Bell Rock” from Barry and the Highlights doowops up a storm. But my pedal extremities ain’t shindiggin’.
Everything old is new again. Classic rock sounds from Dude York make a pogo out of “Jingle Bell Rock,” not the song you were expecting. But you can still cut a rug to it.
The only thing more depressing than being without money for Christmas, is having no one to spend it on. Way too much sentiment swings this way, so we’ll try to limit our mopey options to this NO CHRISTMAS cause and effect.
Wailing with soul, Gene-O sails his R+B schooner “No More Christmas” like a howling animal in amorous pain. Owie.
Brown and Garrett slather up some blues in the raw “Ain’t No Christmas Baby,” an electric dissertation in desperation.
It gets worse. Those who break rules mayn’t bend to Santa’s edict of No Presents for Christmas. It may make ’em worser.
BearRon threatens legal action to Mr. Red Suit in his short pop folk “Nuttin’.”
Nomy’s “Merry Fucking Christmas” delivers an empty sack of ’90s techno rock to this psycho bad boy. Wishing Santa would die with profanity won’t get your many wish lists filled. Love the song, though, ‘swhy i gotsa repeat it. BLUE ALERT, kay?
