Category: rock

I honestly shouldn’t pop this can of worms, but i have a special circle of halo reserved for the truly awful. Whether intentionally wisecracking or unenlightened and untalented, bad singers give me pause–like that first sip of seasonal nog. You shouldn’t like it….

Having consumed too much Fred Figglehorn, Mr. Crainer hyper-raps imbecilically “Merry Almost Christmas.” It’s all in fun. Are you having fun?

I pair that with the intentional atonal chaos from BERU “Almost Christmas.” Garage punk thinks it can do whatever it wants, because–I guess–that’s what defines it.

On the other stump, the amateur Sweet Sisters are just kids corralled into a synth-storm of recording “It’s Nearly Christmas.” Keep this for THEIR grandkids to hear later. I mean keep it, don’t share it.

Oldsters also need stricter parenting: piano impresario Malcolm Simpson hatchets open the jazz-rumpus “Christmas is Just Around the Corner.” Look away.

Dai [day] is a rambling randomizer, but he’s no rambler. “Almost Christmas” might tempt you into the it’s-so-bad-it’s-good territory. Recalibrate.

A song can show promise yet be marred by technical cruddiness. Veghalen posts a family Christmas song “Christmas is Coming” with wit and warmth. But the sudden religious pitch near the end makes this messier than it oughterbe.

‘Almost Christmas’ is more than a time, it’s a state of mind. Or so the following songs would dare you to suppose.

Vince Martin and Dawn Turlington bosso the nova out of “Almost Christmas,” an easy listening jazz pop pooper i’d expect to be the waltz music selection at the old folks’ home.

.38 Special admits that they’ve been waiting all year long for the night before. Their southern rock party anthem “A Wild-Eyed Christmas Night” does what it sets out to do, and its bad-boy enthusiasm for elves, reindeer, and coming down the chimney turns this standard rock into novelty music. Thanks, boys.

Worse than finding out that Santa isn’t who the media make him out to be, is finding out that guy in the mall is somebody else altogether.

The Kids get American rock with their punk attitude singing about how “The Santa at the Mall” sounds a lot like their Uncle Paul. Crushing Christmas revelation!

If we’ve learned anything from TV, we know the Bart Simpson terror of discovering it’s dear old dad who’s the “Mall Store Santa.” The Old Salts make it worse with this bluesy rock recounting of the old man perp walked by the cops out of the mall.

One of the downsides of being a mall Santa is the job. It’s not all guffaws and giggles. It’s, at times, tough.

From the Something Awful Christmas album, Ian Jenner outlines the requirements of the gig with the uncertain rock stumbler “Mall Santa 2.” It’s not pretty.

An Teeder runs out the road (garage) rock for the travails of the traveling “Mall Santa.” Feel the chimney, man.

It’s the bottom of the ninth, inns are full, here comes the star of Bethlehem… watchagonnadew? I recommend comfortable desert shoes.

The Waltons collab on a barely needed TV reunion to sing bunches of songs, including the tolerable folk pop “Follow That Star.” Apparently staying that course is all you need. Now you’re good.

Mariah Carey emboldens the cartoon movie ‘The Star’ with the title track, “The Star.” Unnecessary tremulo, belting out the ends of lines, whispery bridges… yeah, it’s her.

Countryside Church warbles out some thrashing rock guitar pop with “Follow That Star.” It’s neatly combed hair rock.

Sometimes a bell is not a bell, but more a… climax. Even at Xmas, fergawdsake.

“Jingle Those Bells” is Superion’s euphemistic take on S&M for the hollies and jollies. It’s worth the trip.

Fashionable Glasses has little use for all the holiday trappings, but YOU, baby, YOU matter. Especially when you got “Nothing But the Bells On.” Hard party pop, with just a twinge of ’80s rock. ‘M feelin’ it.

I remember an ancient comedy bit with Paul Reubens as Pee Wee Herman on David Letterman’s The Late Show. He shook a coffee can full or rocks (or summat) and chanted the acerbic host’s name again and again with every rattle. That constant noise brings madness. So with Santa having to listen to that gay get-out-of-the-way chiming of the bells from his sleigh all night.

Be Your Own Boss Entertainment irks out some rapping with “You Hear Them Bells Go.” Santa’s not so happy now.

The Soundtrack of Our Lives retros a blazing ’60 Invasion beat with “Jingle Hell (Stuck in a Chimney).” I’m not following the lyrics all that much, but i gotta share this monster mash.

If i say Jungle Bells you don’t say -wha? You say -oh, a Jingle Bells takeoff. How many musicians pursue this wordplay you ask?

The Superions conga out in “Christmas Conga (Jungle Bells)” about the Santa shenanigans you usually see in The National Enquirer. Not so much with the jingling, however.

Tubba3ply mash up the ska and the electronic for a mystical night of “Jungle Bells.” It’s downright pagan-tastic.

Succumbing to the primitivism of modern-madness, GattuZan also UK-punks up the pop a bit with another “Jungle Bells.” But there’s no escape from the fa-la-la refrain.

Full reggae mad, Skindred rocks out “Jungle Bells” with a master backbeat. YEAHH!!

South African Blues Broers have more literal claim to their “Jungle Bells,” a litany of the animals (not exactly) adapting to the holiday spirit. A little rockabilly, a little folk-pop. Just a little.

Vincent Cardinale just goes hokey folk with his kidding “Jungle Bells.” Plenty to grunt along with here. And a lesson.

Best up is the repeated entry “Jungle Bells (Dingo-Dongo-Day)” by Les Paul and Mary Ford. Catchy as malaria! Thanks, 1953!