Set the car blinker at 90BPM to get drunk on the front lawn, rambles the random garage “Happy Winter Solstice” from Parking Lots. It’s Christmas, but it’s a mess. Like life, y’know, man.
Oh, yeah, and California NEVER gets seasonal. “Malibu Kind of Christmas” notes the heat (in the shade!), with the surfer rock The Malibooz make so cool. Check it.
But, you WANT it hot? Not sure where this takes place (Not LA, they say) but, They say it’s gonna be 90 or more! “Won’t Someone Please Tell the Weatherman It’s Christmas” yodel the honky tanking 42nd Street Singers. Is it climate change?
Don’t forget, North Earthers, The Southern Hemisphere celebrates 12/25 too. It’s hot there, though.The Frights point that out with their rocking “Christmas Everyday.” Along with Budweiser boxers, great apple pie recipes, and a peach candle. Paw-tee!
One hundred chores before the party is another way to measure time in “Christmas is More than Ribbons and Bows.” Percussive pop from John Weeden (feat. Isaac Folch) leads us calmly to the true joy.
Despite war and bars and foreigners, David Fee also lulls us with the prog rock wandering of “One Hundred Years (Christmas).” Peace, dude.
Audobon (feat. Jeremy) gets full BLUE ALERT with “All I Know,” a Christmas rap that goes for drugs and sex, and not the hundred birds you be singing about, fool.
Checking out 100 Young Moneys Money ain’t nothing, Tyga (feat. Gata) get comical BLUE ALERT in “Christmas Story.” Irony abounds in this raging re-telling. Be ready.
Tracherous Three goes kid-friendly for the Santa vs. kid debate/rap “Xmas Rap (Uncensored).” The kid can name a hundred presents I didn’t get. Instead–G.I. Joe and cheap shoes…. A bit funny.
I could open one hundred presents Underneath the Christmas Tree But you know that’s not the essence Of what Christmas means to me claims Myra in the rocking pop of “Christmas Isn’t Christmas (Since You Said Goodbye).”
A Living Hell is The Boxmasters take on festive folk rock for “Slower Than Christmas.” A hundred ignorant cousins with their pointy headed hats Have driven me as crazy as a hundred shit house rats is the hollering verdict. Ouch.
Father Guido Sarducci kvetches about Christmas songs in “100 Bulbs on the Christmas Tree (Part 1).” This spoken word comedy with kids carousing in the background is an essential part of a complete novelty Christmas music collection. Be advised, it’s from a time when we had more patience for comedy. Then maybe Part 2.
As if this year ain’t yet taken your all One hundred reasons why you should withdraw This year Christmas is the last straw begins the elegiac rock of “Christmas is the Last Straw.” The Revelator takes the side of depressed Scrooges everywhere.
Steven Curtis Chapman tugs at the guitar strings with the orphan’s Xmas wish “All I Really Want.” Hint: he wants a family to sing me Happy Birthday for the next hundred years. Is it enough? Of country schmaltz!
Christopher Kenny (feat. St. Ignatius International Youth Ministry, Crystal Eileen, Ivander Hartanto & Valerie Aurelia) tinkle out the gospel observance Here’s to 100 more! (with you) of the “Warmest Holiday.” Earnest AF. Enough!
The “Wishlist” from The Yule logs is over a hundred pages long (and did NOT include underwear or a ball). Santa!! Not enough rock’n’roll!!
Infinity Greenhouse confides the startling news that Santa died–109 years ago. After a quick deal with the devil, however, he rose again for “Santa’s Revenge.” It’s unclear here who the target of this payback is… but, now the world will just end. So now you know, to the tune of boy-band light rock.
The Stupendium is back with “A Very Scary Christmas,” another minor key holiday visit with horror monsters from pop culture–including SCP-173, the concrete killer from the ‘SCP-Containment Breach’ video game. This guy has got some musical chops, so elevate expectations and try this.
After spending too much time on the internet, The Liggetts conclude The holiday’s been here since before year one; Around year 354 the Christians stole it from the Sun (some ref. to the first written mention of Dec. 25 being a celebration, albeit a Roman festival). “It’s Christmas Time Again” is a rock march than breaks down the barriers between Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, and all–for a good time.
The number of days in a calendar represents forever in some cases. That. Is. A. Lot. Of. Days. Groundhog Day curse?
“Santa’s Little Helpers” is by one of the elves who makes the toys 365. LaTroy Larkins makes this country rap more of a slog than an ADHD dream come true, however, so celebrate responsibly.
‘Whispering’ Bill Anderson takes a minute out of country hit-writing to notice what’s available 365: an alternative to home celebrating. “Waffle House Christmas” is the low-rent fun you suspect it otterbee. Perhaps your waitress would enjoy you leaving behind the gift you didn’t like as a tip.
Jane’s Villains autotunes the rockin’ “Christmas Song” about how a villain works 365 days a year, so mastering the holidays should be no problem-o. Not that there’d be a tree, or lights, or silent nights….
Highway 401 will take you from Detroit through Ontario to Montreal (where it becomes the A-20). Kaleb Hikele will take this route to come home, and though he was hoping “To Buy You Gold” for Christmas, he now wishes you’d wait for his broke-ass butt to just show up. Garage desperation.
Time to think about the future… the 401K plan. (Which is not a thing so much as it was twenty years ago. What’s the future coming to?)
Fast Eddie’s Bowling Academy (feat. Dave Gomez) has a thing or two to say about consumerism in “Slay Bells.” Santa, being the mad capitalist symbol, is the salesman 401k stocks are enriching him. Boo! Right?
Lamonta gets stuck at a terrible holiday bash with small talk (and offensive subjects) that drive them outside. Rock out to “All I Got for Christmas was Stoned.” (They slip NEED for got in there a couple times, you get the idea.)
Channel 420 mumbles and fumbles through his almost imperceptible rock song “Christmas 420.” Nothing too counter culture here, just wondering if he’ll get the nerve to talk to her.
