Category: R&B

ReduXmas: Jeeze!

With all the great music out there for our holiday’s founder (CFO: Santa, natch), i attempted to collate honorariums with ironies about that baby. Great songs are harder to find. So let’s party like we don’t believe!

First off, “Jesus Christ! It’s Your Birthday Again” reminds Wendell Ferguson with comic country timing. But who’s counting?

“Jesus the Reindeer” by Emmy the Great and Tim Wheeler plays havoc with myth-understanding the reason for the trees and candy. Fun alt.

Kids say the darnedest things. The Creek Church out of nowhere Kentucky took what kids said and made a soul-filled noel to Jesus with “I’ve Seen a Turtle Barf.” You gotta. Just look.

And Ages lectures us that Jesus is the “Reason for the Season (You Dig?)” with their garage folk. Otherwise, it’d be Bhudda-mas or Mohammed-mas. Yeah. Not so, like, holy.

Steven Courtney, as JC, allows “Jesus is the Star” and asks for a candy bar. Crazy R+B pop.

Smoky country from Three Day Threshold & Summer Villains proclaims “The Ballad of Baby Jesus,” like he’s a cowboy or sumpin.

Celebrationally, Holidelic funk up the partay with “Nativitay.” Take notes, the whole, cool deal is dealt with.

Reverentially, American Mars pop folks “The Little Baby Jesus” with just the right amount of woo woo country train sounds ushering in the new born.

Best of parody: The Withers land their song about the highway to the “Manger Zone,” a tease of Kenny Loggins’s 1986 ‘Top Gun’ hit song. With guitar solo. And sass.

Oddest is Barnes and Barnes Sunday schooling “Jesus is Groovy.” Full of faux pas (‘never cross…’ ‘get behind me and help me sing this song…’ ‘he really turns me on…’).

I also enfolded the fam for the whole birthing scene. “Proud Mary” by Watkins and the Rapiers wonders what Mary’s take on the whole Advent was. Not a Tina Turner parody. Well, not actually. Kind of.

Riding Reindeer (BLUE ALERT)

The holiday intercourse may be announced as fact. Surrender to the male imperative.

Poetically, Greg & Brian mix metaphors in the inuendo laden “Yule Log.” It’s down and dirty, but with a medieval dancing beat.

FunnyMike freestyles his “Merry Christmas” about what he’s going to do to specific body parts on you. There’s a rhythm method.

Will Nunziata (feat. Amy Fitts) embodies the Disney princess (cable sitcom verzh) who must have the sex in “Jingle Jingle: A Dirty Christmas Song.” Santa raps countrapoint to her pop lollying.

Reggie Watts levels with all y’all that “Christmas is for Fucking.” Sensual R+B rap. Get it on.

Forgiving all Men (BLUE ALERT)

How long can these Christmas fellating songs last?!

Devastating Just Cause gets instructional and burlesque-y with his old-timey “I Want a Blowjob for Christmas.” Low blow humor… rim shot!

Zack Redman plays a showtune-inspired plea with “Blowjob for Christmas II.” Desperation lifts him to an alto.

Zack’s first go-around was more Motown with his “Blowjob for Christmas.” Nice production values, more melodic than pushy. This is nicer than most.

Picking out the Presents (BLUE ALERT)

Last month was all about the word FUCK in Christmas songs. This month is all about the act FUCK in Christmas songs. Still nasty… but is it more so? Depends on which side of the Mississippi you were born on.

Sexual intercourse is beset with code, euphemism for the uptight authority figurings. So we may encounter some positions not detailed A to B. I’m not here to help. I’m here to listen to some music–and connect the dots on my own. My imagination is just fine, thank you, good luck to you. (You have to gutter up the hidden meanings for all the posting titles for yourself.)

I have previously entertained myself with Furiously Stiff’s “I Want Sex for Christmas.” Wanting’s not having, however. So we’re not even to first base.

Newman McIntosh jollies himself (in his boat?) with a calypso easy listening “I Want to Have Sex on Christmas.” But, girl, he’s lusting for anyone but you. Burn!

Robert Curry is R+B gentle with “Sex for Christmas.” Soulful, meaningful, romantic (make it feel like Summer)… but then milk and cookies start to sound dirty. Hey now.

Fatherly Universality Chris Kringle (BLUE ALERT)

The omniscient, omnipresent judge of us all (with a name we can spell however we like, he’s okay with that), Saint Nick, represents the holiday perhaps more than that other guy. So he gets all the dirty blame for our depressing disappointments.

Bubbles & The Shitrockers gently honky tonks the hell out of the trailer trash tragedy that is hope for the lower classes. “Dear Santa Claus (Go Fuck Yourself)” tells it like beer goggles see it.

Bob Noxious throws music hall around the punk shop to holler “Fuck Off Santa.” Lest you think he’s hasty, check out his prequel of Santa antics in the ‘Bells’ inspired horrorshow “Where’s Me Fuckin’ Sherry?” Even for a Blue Alert this is graphic.

Motown checks in with jennyinstereo who pulls no effin’ punches with “Fuck You (Santa).” Damn girl. Harsh.

Take a Card: R+B

Rhythm and Blues was merely soft rock with too much jazz in it. R+B became code for a Motown sound that blacks had the inside line to. Sadly it opened the door to disco, but also sired rap.

Rudy Currence whines about his baby, but figures a homemade “Christmas Card” will win her over. I dunno, Rudy, those girlish vocals might do it, instead.

Marvin Sapp has a snappy rockin’ backbeat to his “Christmas Card,” but infuses his urgency with soul. (That’s different than R+B, right? Wit’ da funk? Right?)

As Seen on TV: Family Guy/American Dad

The anti-Simpsons barfed and farted briefly, before it was taken up as a cause célèbre by the slacker generation and became to big to fail, despite the best efforts of boy-men writers.

Comedy Christmas bits include the “Peter Griffin Christmas Album” full of mumbly, nonsensible parodies. Hee hee. Oh, and an ironic take on “Jesus Child” as brainwashed braying of the brethren. Bazinga!

Rerun: the best are the big musical numbers like “Christmas Time is Killing Us” (black humor), and “All I Really Want for Christmas” (naughty).

The later series leans on more groovy music. “The Steve and Krampus Duet” is an R+B jewel in a sad ‘Beauty and Beast’ takeoff. Not much Christmas here, but it’s got Slavic tradition.

As Seen on TV: Garfield and Friends

Like the Simpsons a bit later, this series began with a Christmas special. The songs in ‘A Garfield Christmas’ are standard fare for cartoons (for A Prairie Home Companion children), tending toward the sentimental.

Worst is “Christmas in Your Heart” reading off discount bin greeting card lines. Skip it.

“A Good Ol’ Fashioned Christmas” at the end is middle-of-the-road laundered country pop. I like the jew’s harp though (excuse me: lamellophone).

An interesting music hall ditty by John (Thomas Huge) and Garfield (Lorenzo Music) contrasts the wide-eyed owner with the id-centric cat. “Can’t Wait Till Christmas” is mercifully brief, albeit bouncy.

An unexpected gem is the motor music in the background of the cat spying on the dog. “You Can Never Find an Elf When You Need One” is swung by Lou Rawls, but i like Deena Moore’s instrumental in some courthouse.

The cool cat intro, however, buckles us up to the Garfield zeitgeist: “Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme” by Lou Rawls is pop Motown without regret.

TreeMendous Holiday fun: Cedar People Praying

It’s not just the lordling’s sapling, it’s a pipeline to his house. Pray to the Christmas pine and you’ll be herd.

Annie Sunde (feat. Paulita Todhunter) delivers unto us a “Prayer by the Christmas Tree.” That firry pulpit provides for some fine gospel octave soaring.

Anna Marie Burden exhalts with each ornament on “Our Special Christmas Tree” for the love of God. That’s some serious decoration, with some slight country skill.

“Christmas Tree Shine” by John Tracy salutes the evergreen as a symbol of the everlasting love, or peace, or power, or what have you from God. Tender folk expression.

“Gather Around the Christmas Tree” from the cast of yet another ‘Christmas Carol’ musical is yet another Olde excuse to pray to JC directly. Fine chorale. Better than The Caroleers. More serious than Kidzone. Better harmony than the Robert DeCormier Singers and Ensemble. More Christmassy pacing than The Ambrosian Singers.

Namedropping a little bit of messiah, Matthew Brandon Carlson expresses love for “Christmas Tree Lane (Let It Rain).” It’s a story of pop song romance while shopping, but–you know–and God too.

TreeMendous Holiday Fun: Sequoia Claus

Tree up? How else will Santa know where to direct the presents? Xmas tree marks the spot, little dudes!

This is such an essential concept it’s in every language! Well, at least two. Humberto Almaraz (with the kids) bi-lings the corrido “Santa will Love My Christmas Tree.” I guess that’s happy?

Gentle jazz-grass from Rough Shop catches “The Big Man Under the Tree” in the act. But–is that Santa? You might wanna get some ID, kid.

The Oak Ridge Boys sing about the boy waiting “Beneath the Christmas Tree” for Santa. But, in their own country/western way, it’s really Jesus. Sorry for the spoiler.

Keith Whittal and Friends also aim our attention “All Around the Christmas Tree” to spot the toy bringer. Stay awake, kids! Country pickin’.

Riddim from Kool: “My Christmas Tree” is to Santa like ganja to a Bob Marley fan. Dance off!

Just for chuckles Calvin Bremer parodies ‘The Hanging Tree’ from the Mockingjay movies with “The Christmas Tree“… waiting… waiting… waiting for Santa. Ha!

1959: Marguerite Trina shakes it down with the bluesy R+B rock of “The Rocking Tree,” beseeching that fat man for just the right greenery, daddi-o.