Category: punk

Baby It’s Coal: yeah right

Punk music doesn’t mind the smell of its own farts. The subject of coal for Christmas is neither a rant nor a rave, more of a shrug for these torchwood hoodlums.

Nö Class singsongs their punk “Coal for Christmas” as a dance number you can keep time to.

I’m not sure what self respecting punk group goes by the epithet Christmas, but these guys metal out “The Story of the Coal Workers Slavery.” Not the holiday connection we were hoping for, but hell if my head ain’t bobbing in solidarity.

Children’s punk turns the corner for us with Backyard Superheroes’ “Coal in My Stocking.” This ska-powered logic posits that you-give-me-coal, I-now-misbehave. That’ll teach you. Away we pogo!

Born this Day, two

Out of the 1990s Santa Barbara college rock circuit hales Munkafust with their post-punk pissiness. The title “My Birthday’s Near Christmas (And It Sucks!)” is all the lead in you need to feel prepared for this synth-banger.

And a Party in a Pear Tree: Grandma, Nick Kwas, Mrs. Miller

It’s not just any Christmas Party.

Professor Steve cracks corn with ‘grass folk at “Grandma’s Christmas Party.” The (sartorial) journey is the party.

For Mel Waiters “Xmas Party at Grandma’s House” is an important element in family strength. R+B shivering with the gospel power.

“Nick Kwas Christmas Party” is an introspective depressive fever dream that really has no party parts whatsoever. But the alt-rock soldiers on. Try on your gift from Sorority Noise, but keep the receipt.

“Mrs. Miller’s Christmas Party” from Quarrel starts out slow. The polka punk rock, however, increases in tempo and aggro until we know ‘it’s the best party in the land.’ Glad i was there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voK1UI7Q2ZA

WAR! one-sided

Some War on Christmas songs bang their drum so loudly i have no idea what side they’re against.

Pete Cummings’s “War on Christmas” is growly and pissy about them. But the protests about ‘no place in America for a good white Christian man,’ can be played either way. Who wants this anthem?

The Methmatics get armed and dangerous with their “War on Christmas,” an odd punk multimedia culture clash. The body count is higher than the alcohol content in Uncle John’s eggnog! WWBO’RD?

WAR! hate the reason (BLUE ALERT)

Yes, Virginia, there is a Christmas-hating tradition. We’ve been this route before. But, hawkish doom-delivering warfarers? That’s a garland too far.

You’re one of them! begins “My War on Christmas” (‘my’ being The Benefit). And you being the merry-makers of Christmas partied. Punk’s got you in its sights.

The “War on Christmas” sets guns blazing Sekcells (a fun phonetic pun). When you unleash the rap dogs of war (BLUE ALERT) they may not stop at your command any longer. The humanity! The pandas!

WAR! hate it all (BLUE ALERT)

Stirring up sides for a merry/happy time of the year can result in hurt feelings, resentment, acute rage, and going postal. See your doctor.

Punk brings us to a head. Total Massacre’s “War on Christmas (World is Over)” smears feces all over every aspect on the season. BLUE ALERT, i guess they win.

He Who Cannot Be Named gets just a garage more melodic with their punking “War on Christmas.” Now beginnith the list of Claus’s flaws.

Dependent Claus: knees together

Perhaps the novelty Christmas songs have gone too far tracing Mrs. Claus’s moral turpitude. What about the maturer wife of Santa?

[Sidebar: have to spend another minute or eight for Mark Arnett’s Santa’s lament “I Miss You Most at Christmas (Now That You are Dead).” Here’s the entire comedy skit with Eugene Claus processing his grief. The actual song starts three and a half minutes in. Guess she’s not a sex symbol dead.]

“Mrs. Claus in Menopause” is that amiable agenda-heavy comedy showtune from Mary Keydash. Hot flash is the harshest punchline, so family friendly.

1980s valley girl protest punk from The Sterilles complains about all things Christmas. But “Mrs. Claus Has Menopause” seems to target the problems on one source: that old lady.

Dependent Claus: cheatin’ to third base BLUE ALERT

Something about the ideal marriage makes all the young studs want to divide and conquer. Mrs. Claus has a target between her legs.

Hoover’s G-String has a melancholy morning after alt number about Mrs. Claus. ‘Put the blame on me,’ they offer, as some form of gentlemen, with “The Ballad of Mrs. Claus.” What’s her walk of shame look like?

Bad Royale (feat Jay Nahge) has it in for “Mrs. Claus.” This rap gets BLUE but sounds full service for the lady.

Clumsy country honky tonk from Rico Loco sets up “A Booty Call for Mrs. Claus.” She’ll get (oh my) a pokin’ and a squirtin.’ And even a reamin’. Guessin’ that’s obscene.

Size 14 punks “Mrs. Claus” with verve and gusto. It may have been the wine… the first time. But the upshot is–no one’s getting presents anywhere near this guy. VERY NAUGHTY.

Dependent Claus: housework

Most of us know Mrs. Santa Claus from her list o’ chores. Certainly when Nat King Cole sang “Mrs. Santa Claus” back in 1953, the definition of the homemaker was the housework done.

We should know better over the decades, but just about the time of the Millennium Hal Willis also presents the mindless domesticity of “Mrs. Santa Claus,” a pop country salute to the jolly house-slave.

Overlong and undertalented, Bob ‘The Music Doctor’ Blake’s “Mrs. Santa Claus” offers the least appreciation for all she does.

Talented but old, The Olympics meld an unfortunate elctro-beat into their soul touting how “Without Mrs. Santa Claus” the shopping might not get done.

Let’s leave it at the twinkly punk cover of NKC’s “Mrs. Santa Claus” from A Proper Kiss. The sassy dirge-like pronouncement of the lyrics adds the irony i was looking for. Thank you.

It’s All Relative, happy together

The unbridled joy of gathering up the whole family for a big 12:25 blowout can not be contained. Joyous Noel, suckas!

Sometimes it’s just a shared sense of horsin’ around with those who GET IT. Kim Townsend shares a houseful of goofs with bluegrass gospellin’ “Family Christmas Song.” It’s like grampa burlesque.

Elgelbert Humperdink almost sings an emotion with his celebration of “A Christmas for the Family.” Easy listening stoicism.

Also measured and careful, 2nd Timothy 3:16 intones ‘Joy… JOY!’ in their pop “Christmas Time with the Family.” Monotonic.

Perhaps a reggae beat will convince you of the level of happiness? Richard Gamble’s “Mr. Chill Brings His Family and Friends” to a kids’ party of Xmas proportions. Okay, half baked.

Punk it up! Pretty Boy Floyd turns it up with “Happy Family” a paean to, well, the title! It’s upbeat with the appropriate screaming.