Category: polka

The waltz is a Bavarian couples dance wherein those frisky outdoor folk whirl around so closely their faces almost touch (to three-quarter time).

The standard selection is “The Christmas Waltz” by Frank and Andy and Karen and plenty of others. This is a song your parents’ parents are embarrassed about.

!949 wasn’t embarrassed though. Tenor crooners with angelic girl backups trilling up and down the scales made us want to get all that foreplay in that we could in the way of ballroom slow-dancing (i’ve heard). Enter Buddy Clark (with The Girl Friends), singing “The Merry Christmas Waltz.” Gordon McRae has a more sensual version for getting to second base.

Marie Vernon and the Mellomen find the beat with more big band bounciness in their “Christmas Tree Waltz,” but all i hear (despite a nice jazz trumpet comin’ out of nowhere) is prison exercise music.

The Old West was somewhere near the 16th Century (at least in mouthfeel), so Gene Autry has a “Merry Christmas Waltz” for you. It’s like big band with a hip hop back beat.

Andy gets one more in there with his “Waltz ’round the Christmas Tree.” It starts out pretty, but gets TV over-orchestrated and ends up with shouting.

Who says the oldest dances have to be ancient? Red Foley and Judy Martin make it seem like 1954 with their “Our Christmas Waltz.” It’s a slow somber dance because it’s country style and they’re going to divorce anyways.

Now what we need is an ’80s power ballad. Dobie Gray delivers with “The Christmas Waltz,” a pop step down memory lane for lovers who want to be children again.

I also want sump’m purdy–like rock ‘n’ roll with a French influence and plenty o’ saxophone: The Olympics raise the roof with “Dancing Holiday“–ma cherie ma bell.

The waltz must remain a bit stiff and formal, though. I want to stay reverential, okay maybe even depress you a bit. So, Li’l Wally revs up his oom-pah ensemble for “Sleigh Bells Waltz,” resulting in a mad mess of melancholic minuet-ing. Have fun.

I guess Santa makes a great decoration, he could make some extra scratch hiring out as a nativity scarecrow or something…

Please welcome the joys of The Christmas Jug Band (featuring lead Paul Rogers here) with there DIY instructions what to do with your jolly old elf in “Plant a Santa.” Grow a little merry tonight!

Perhaps in his down time, Master Bo-JingleBells is merely a husband, father, son(?), head of household.

Steve Roper and Mojo Nixon rock out “Santa’s Son & The Reindeer Rockers” as a cautionary tale of young rebellion. They’ll make up, don’t fret.

Jaye D Marie leans into a sultry version of “Willy Claus, Little Son of Santa Claus.” (Molly Bee’s 1952 kid’s novelty number). It’s more country and less adorable here. Still don’t like that brat, though.

George Rock fronts Spike Jones’s band with “Wouldn’t it be Fun to be Santa Claus’s Son?” Here’s the real story on nepotism up north. (Get this kid a copy of the Phaeton myth, stat!)

Working backward, we find the romance of the old couple via Mickey Rooney from the tired old tv special ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’ which is itself an unnecessary sequel to the slightly better ‘Year Without Santa Claus.’ Not much of a song “Santa’s Wedding Day,” but i’ll include it for you old softies.

True love transforms the loving couple of every warm hearth (who celebrates correctly) into “Mr. and Mrs. Claus.” George Jones and Tammy Wynette aren’t the original couple, but they must have a similar twang.

Back up, buddy, “Santa is My Brother.” With this line the Bob Burton Band can stop any other Scandihoovian in the bar, i’m sure. This high energy polka is enough for me, though, these fella are the real deal, doncha know?

Do elves ever get outta town?

Well, there’s that creepy Big Brother “The Elf by the Shelf” who is INSIDE YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW!! The Kids Christmas Party Band attempt to minimize the creep factor with a bouncy little number. But yergh, stop helicoptering.

Off Santa’s sweat shop property–but campus adjacent–is “Elf U.” They learn a valuable trade here, just like they would locked away in any other state-run institution. Sadly, no elocution classes (still sound like chipmunks). Daniel Dennis adds a bit o’ spice here to make it funny, but i really like the chant ‘Elf U! Elf U!’ ’cause it sounds naughty.

Are you reddish? In the pink? Tickled pink? Let’s see what we can do about that.

Krysta Young takes pink to mean baby, i guess. She sings “Pink Christmas” as a paean to spoiled Disney girly girl princesses. Who deserve happiness and love, ‘cuz they’re so pretty. Gag me with a Barbie.

Gay punk band Slink fairs little better with their shallow party trifle “Pink Christmas.” At least the color designation works for the falsetto beefcake interlude. Tres camp, doncha know.

Asian guitar pickers Apink supply the requisite (Dreaming of a) “Pink Christmas.” A nice bit of blue grass influence, but please to skip.

Much more improved on this melody is Kimberly Cooper’s “A Pink Purple Polka Dotted Christmas.” Reminds me of camp! Uhh, the one with ‘smores, this time.

We’re not getting anywhere fast. Let’s wrap up with the clever, raspy Fran Archer and “Santa Got a Pink Slip for Christmas.” This is the excuse parents use, right up there with Spot is going to a farm upstate. But i feel a waltz step coming on.