Category: Music Genres

Scary Christmas

It’s Halloween week and–wait, are you sure you don’t want a Xmas song??
All other holidays bow down to The Big Holy Day, sure. Take All Hallowed Evening, the night before Michaelmas (first day of Winter on the Old Calendar). Here kids learn to earn their gifties. Yeah i know, you gotta be good for Kris Kringle to present you with the goods. But on 10/31, you’ve worked on your etiquette at least: asking before receiving. (Threatening some may say; but i maintain it’s social custom to follow these rules, ergo: policy/politeness.)
So let’s scare up some Halloween/Christmas hybrids.
First off, there’s that Time Burton movie which has already done that. Granted. No need to sing those as carolers; as a parent i’ve heard ’em to death. (Although big props to Cas van de Pol for the delightful parody “Who’s This?” to the tune of Game of Thrones. Ho Boo Ho.)
Bobby ‘Boris’ Pickett made a splash with “The Monster Mash” back in 1962. It received so much airplay, he produced a Christmas sequel “Monsters’ Holiday” within a few months. (Not to be confused with the very Halloween Hoedown “Monster’s Holiday” by Buck Owens which mixes werewolves and hillbillies and bluegrass.) Lon Chaney has recorded the Pickett piece as well. But don’t follow up on Pickett… his “Monster Swim” and “Werewolf Watusi” did not reach the zeitgeist. (I am partial to his Much Later “Star Drek,” but overall let him rest. He passed ’07.)

State Eighteen: Alabama

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Now the standard here should be “Christmas in Dixie” by the band Alabama (also covered by Kenny Chesney and others). But that does not play by my rules. It does not celebrate the High Mass via a particular locale, whether state or famous city within (state of mind doesn’t count). And my selection needs to be off the beaten path a bit. And not blow that hard.
So, consider Christmas Across America‘s “An Alabama Moon for Christmas” by Scat Sprigs. It’s all jazz band high life which reminds me more of some late night talk show in-house group, rather than Montgomery Blues. Finger snapping more than hallelujahing.
I love the internet. For it was here I found another song by that group Alabama about Christmas in the state of Tennessee sung by a teen blondie who changed the lyrics to fit her state of Alabama. She’s a Nashville Rising Star, though she’s since taken down this homemade recording. What this lacks in quality it makes up for in volume. Look for Lillian Glanton around Joe’s Crab Shack in Nashville, or the Athens Saturday Market in Athens, GA. She’s a serious, perky, spunky Southern Belle.

State Seventeen: Florida

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Everyone knows Florida’s weird: hanging chads, clueless retirees, dumbubbas, impeding tourists, invading Caribeaners… what’s funny is the state’s obtuse lack of sense of humor about itself.
I’m saying: their parodies are plentiful and terrible–
“Sandal the Sea Creature” by La Guardia Cross is an unfortunate kiddies’ Reggae take on ‘Frosty’ with a brief mention of Miami Beach;
Karen Scott has parodized ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’ with “Have Yourself a Southwest Florida Christmas” which is just as sadly banal as you may have already figured (1980’s obvio-humor withstanding);
Kulture Shock is a white gangsta rap club who wants you to get real with “Christmas in Miami“–it’s urban rhyming that’s both cute and oddly melodic;
Cynthia McGregor’s got a precious album celebrating her panhandle periodicity with “Florida Florida” (to the tune of Jingle Bells) and also (editorial sigh) “12 Days of Florida Christmas”–both heaving humor up to the level of The Match Game from the ’70s (face it, a dozen ’12 Days o’ FL Xmas’ are gumming up the ol’ ‘tube–steer clear);
more ‘Jingle Bells’ attempts at humor might be “Florida Christmas Song” by ‘a surgical tech’;
and David Siriano fooling with ‘Let it Snow’ via his own “Florida Christmas Song“–wow, they let anybody on this internet;
Bubba and Cooter sing about going to Gatorland in “Florida Christmas” AGAIN to the tune of ‘Let it Snow’ but the satire backfires and makes this a cogent statement on the decline of civilization;
we include on the younger side dear li’l Elizabeth C (handle “StellaCat”) rocking out “Christmas in Florida” but you might want to her to hold a bar of soap in her mouth after she reveals “it’s hot as he–ell!” (and turn up the speakers, this amateur recording is hard to hear);
The Gery Girls sing about the ordeal of visiting family down South in “Going to Florida (This Christmas)” which is super darling if you’re eighty.
The home grown stuff goes on and on. Mostly it’s missable, though–alt-folk alert!–3 Headed Stepchild’s “Christmas in Florida” wails country-style with a wicked chillin’ violin. Kudos.
Professionally speaking, Dan Schafer tries on some Carribean caroling with “Santa’s in Florida” which is all mellow and low key–even the “hot hot hot”s are whispered cliches;
Marc-Alan Barnette and Elizabeth C. Axford sing “Christmas in Florida” from an album entitled Music for TV and film, as if that portends listenable music (it doesn’t);
and even more seious musically is James ‘Sunny Jim’ White singing “Christmas Day in Florida” but he don’t have what the kids call talent;
“Florida Christmas” by The Colaborateurs smacks of much more talent, but smells of wanna-be pop;
Chelsea Rene is unabashedly pop in “Christmas in Florida” so tune in 12-25 demographics!
At this time, i would like to share “White Christmas In the Florida Keys” by Livingston & Mile Marker 24. Mile Marker 24 is an all originals bar band, recording their own CDs and selling them out of their truck. Frankly, i contracted Keys Fever listening to this anti-seasonal Buffeting of The Bairn’s Birth. Everybody limbo under the mistletoe!

State Sixteen: Georgia

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No ATL holiday raps… no Georgia Christmas on My Mind…
The carol canon is awash with a wealth of Christmas in the South selections, but I’m not finding much for the Cracker State. [Errgahyun, i guess there’s that Lallie Bridges’s smelly stepped on fruitcake of a song: “Georgia at Christmas.” Even if she hadn’t xeroxed that song on to the locations of Carolina, Tennessee, Nashville, and Branson, i can’t abide it’s synthesized elevator mushiness.]
Now i did notice an odd tendency of funsters to parodize ‘The Devil Went Down to Georgia.’ These parodeuses mention GA okay, so they need honorable mentions here. “Santa Went Down to Georgia” is one of those i-can’t-blieve-my-church-is-so-cool performances from North Point Community Church Alpharetta, Georgia. It may not be Godly, but it’s inspired and it rocks. (A Very Similar bit by Bob Phelan does not mention Georgia and is called “Santa Went down the Chimney.”) Jonathan and Corben goof on “Frosty the Snowman” with the actual lyrics of the Charlie Daniels fiddle-exercise. It’s a couppla millennials amusing each other hoping to do so with you. It takes its time, and does all right.
Now, without further frustration, welcome Diane Durrett, a smoky-voiced, blue-eyed soulstress. For the last 25 years or so she’s been opening for Tina Turner, Little Feat… playing alongside Sting, The Indigo Girls. Talented, got it? The hollerin’ here is mature and earthy, real country (or a tribute to Bonnie Tyler). The lyrics are fine… I’d hoped for some revelational tell-alling about Jimmy Carter, MLK, Coca-Cola and Stone Mountain. It’s just peaches. Do check out Durrett’s Xmas album, tho.

State Fifteen: South Carolina

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Okay, I found “A Charleston Christmas” by Richard Hippey, but the insistent tambourine backbeat, overpercussive zydeco (including–why?–tubular bells), and generic cookie-cutter lyrics (No Local Flavor: this could be Xmas Anywhere) keeps me from recommending it. (That falsetto last note–excuse me, I need aspirin.)
Still no great South Carolina Christmas music (not even from Stephen Colbert), at least none that sings out the phrase ‘South Carolina!’
So, back to “Christmas in Carolina”: Just DON’T bother with Lallie Bridges who uses the same bosa nova backbeaten song for “Carolina at Christmas” as she does for Georgia, Tennessee, and other locales. I can’t abide this peppermint parrotry, sorry… Not when Lorraine Jordan and Carolina Road are pickin’ and grinnin’ like they do for their “Christmas in Carolina.” These grandparent-types look like show-biz newbies, playing coffee houses and bluegrass get-togethers. But their downhome breakdowns make me feel the family joy and warm home & hearths i like associating with the holiday. Cheers!

State Fourteen: North Carolina

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I gotta tell ya. The Carolinas are worse than the Dakotas for differentiating the holiday music scene. Most songs don’t name N or S, but maintain a solidarity that all yall outsiders won’t get.
Check out Austin Rudy’s “Carolina Christmas.” It’s all USA-centric and too little ’bout states rights. Briana Atwell also sings (her original) “Carolina Christmas” available as a charity fund raiser on iTunes. Slurry blues tells it like it came upon a midnight clear. Even more romantically adult is the Marshall Tucker Band’s brassy disco-edged country version “Christmas in Carolina.” It’s slipperier ‘n a Swiss Colony sausage basket. Charlie Daniels & Friends narrates “A Carolina Christmas Carol” on his album Joy to the World: A Bluegrass Christmas. He’s trying to recapture childhood wonder about the no-snow South, but it’s just old folks’ talk (for over 16 minutes). Not A Song. Martin GT Middle School Choral Department finally has an angelic-sounding selection entitled “Carolina Christmas.” That should get you back on track for the season.
My pick of the “Carolina Christmas”es is by Squirrel Nut Zippers. Legend holds a man who drank potent moonshine (Nut Zipper) wound up climbed up a tree and was dubbed ‘Squirrel.’ These nutballs (there have been eighteen different band mates over the decades) wail with their eclectic fusion of Delta blues, gypsy jazz, 1930s-era swing, klezmer, etc (it’s on Wikipedia). Their Xmas album (Christmas Caravan) is a tradition ’round here, but don’t look for them on tour–they are been there done that so over they’re under clover. Their website has been dormant over a year now. Go, 1990s cat, go.

State Thirteen: Virginia

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Let’s get country!
“Sweet Virginia Christmas” is sweetly popped bluegrass country. Dana Spencer seems to be channeling The Judds with purdy harmonies. It’s from Christmas Across America and worth a little listen.
“Christmas in Virginia” by Lost & Found is even sweeter, quieter, more personal and intimate. It feels like family snowbound with you and maybe one present each.
“Christmas in Virginia” by Clinton Gregory, however, is my guilty pleasure.  His dad moved him to Nashville and played the Grand Ole Opry. He noodled on guitar from childhood to backing up Suzy Boguss. He’s known for “Play, Ruby, Play,” and has had all the unfortunate haircuts of the famous country acts. Mostly in his favor, he’s one of the few Independent acts to break into the country charts. (I knew Country Music was all Corporate hocus pocus like in that TV show.)
His album For Country has another contender for Fifty Days: “Christmas in Texas” but it’s nowhere near as heartfelt as this crooning, crowing, cotton-candy carol. Twangy the Halls!

State Twelve: West Virginia

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A state of musical heritage! Now we’ve got some choices! Okay mostly bluegrass…
Chuck Picklesimer is so cool. His rambling country elf routine never wears thin. Remember that bit about the cartoon show host who tells you dumb kids what’s really going on grownup style? (It’s abit older than time… not just Kentucky Fried Movie, you know like the overdone crusty old joke a la The Simpsons.) Chuck’s your guy. His “West Virginia Credit Card” will get its own entry later from me. It’s WV enough in tone and tenor, but it’s just not holidaisical enough.
The Weber Brothers whisper out the haunting “Christmas Time in West Virginia.” The percussive jingling and chiming, the high harmonies, it sounds like angels singing over a snow covered valley.
Brrr, we’ve got to spice up the mix; so we’re finally going cross-culturally to the Festival of Lights.
Scott Simons is another struggler. After he got credit for writing the music theme for his weatherman dad on local tv, he ran around the country minstrel-style finally starting TeamMate with his gay-ex. Maybe you saw him piano-ing on XFactor or America’s Got Talent. He champions rights for all, and he’s funny. Check out one of his favorite topics, growing up Jewish in the Very White West Virginia. I love the nostalgic canned audience responses paired with the intimate small-lounge vibe.

State Ten: Delaware

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The little state that huh?
Now, one of the most inappropriate Christmas songs ever, “His Favorite Christmas Story” by Capital Lights, begins ‘He meet her up in Delaware in 1937…’. But–despite the shivers it sends up and down my spine (the Christmas miracle is… an ironic death!!), it’s NOT a Delaware song!

I originally settled on “O Little State of Delaware” by Todd Chappelle–a funny travelogue parody, but one of my all time favorite localists is David DeBoy whose ‘O Little Town of Baltimore’ needs to be heard for good ol’ Maryland. No dupies, friends.

Then I stumbled on Jim McGiffin singing “Christmas for Catholics in Delaware,” a basement tape of questionable irony/hostility. It’s so clumsily amusing and earnestly divisive that I can’t stop listening to it. McGiffin looks like Santa and he anchors Celtic Harvest, a Scottish/Irish band that plays private parties and church events with centuries old reels and ballads and all I can say is: are ya honestly Papist yourself, Jimmy, or what? Does the Pope tap his shoes of the fisherman to your little ditty here? What would DJ JC sing?

State Ten Point Five: Washington, D.C.

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State Ten: Part Two D.C.
Washington D.C. gets loads more attention than anything around it, but still has taxation without representation. (Once again, Brit John Oliver exposes our federal faults!)
Most of the caroling around this neck of the woods assassinates characters and has a shelf life of four years. Blah and yawn. But in tracking down a celebration of our Capitol i came across one of those Paul Harvey gems:
Maura Sullivan wrote songs with Jim London for WMZQ based on listener call-ins. It was some fun competitive maestro thing. In 1982 they wanted to get serious and reeled off “Christmas Eve in Washington” in 20 minutes. I wouldn’t call it soft rock (a castigation more than a category), and i wouldn’t call it pop (skews a couple decades past that), in fact i wouldn’t call it if i could find something else. But it fulfills that need people have for catchy chauvanistic radio jingles, mall opening galas, and evening news playouts. For Washingtonians this was an instahit! –and you can continue to buy it via this site (it’s for charity, yo!)