Year-round Yuletide oddities
Heteros don’t own commitment issues. Queers can spit all over the perfect coupling, at that time of year.
Adam Ray parleys his amateur snit at your cheatin’ ways with “The Ex Song.” It’s set to ‘Jingle Bells’ rather than addressing the holiday blow up. But it’s nasty.
David Pevsner gets showstopping with his naughty ultimatums in “Merry Ex-Mas.” You had it coming, you hussy!
Airing the grievances of subordinate Clauses led to many songs about how much these oompa-loompas like to slave away. I worry about the subtext for children to sing-along. So i made sure to insert surly, nasty, and violent songs about elves and their workshop. Politically speaking, this idea has legs.
First, some introductions: “Adam the Elf” is experimental concerto from Iline (Something Awful presentations). It’s that name repeated to medieval minstrelizations.
“Elvie the Elf” is a cornball country kiddies’ canticle by Billy Kringle. That’s the most deadpan ‘tee-hee-hee’ i’ve heard.
Ruby Rivers just refers to the overworked interchangeable mote as “Little Elf.” Jazzy sadness, but beautiful.
Now, some parodies: The Withers give us what we asked for, mocking Idol’s “Dancing with Myself’ in the form of “Dancing with my Elf.” Completely satisfactory. (Well, better than the Divinyls’s spoof “I Touch My Elf” from them.)
Drag queens Manila Luzon and Alaska Thunderfuck stomp through the show tune “Working Holiday” addressing the highs and lows of the craft concentration camp. Their harmony is labor-inducing.
The overthrow comes from Ivy Winters (the same album: Christmas Queens 2) in “Elfy Winters Night.” This is a power diva jazz manifesto, somehow ambiguously covering overwork and not enuf sex.
It’s gonna get CRAZY “When the Elf Comes to Town.” The Roundheads have warned us with their garage exultations.
Watkins and the Rapiers settle the negotiations with “Arise Ye North Pole Workers,” a hollering chant calling out the fat cat. This one goes out to my late father-in-law and surviving sister, shop stewards both.
While we are on the subject of the Clauses, what about Nick?
Back to SNL for Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Kristin Wiig to get dreamy about how “Santa’s My Boyfriend.” Retro ’50s rock’n’roll innuendo.
Karen Petrocella also torches with “Santa Guy.” This is not a ‘Baby’ takeoff, but a jazzy love song (barely PG-13, but steamy).
Steel Panther glam metals “Sexy Santa” just right for all the girls and boys. You’d swear it was the ’90s.
Soul steals the show with The Louisiana Blues Brothers and how they heard “Santa was a Freak Like Me.” He’s on the prowl for the naughty.
Almost convincingly straight Dejan Milićević as LAZZ presents himself as “Sexy Santa Claus” with limp MOR rock and a lispy accent.
The Theme Song has an awesome collection of one-minute bust ups over whatever the beef of the moment is. Nasty time for Santa with this playful rap “Merry Motherfucking Christmas.”
“Naughty or Nice” is the moaning pop guzzle we’d expect from Francine the Queen of Obscene. Very, very naughty.
The Mulaney Sisters raise the roof to thank the Netflix ’18 flick ‘The Christmas Chronicles’ with their “Sexy Kurt Russell.” That ‘Christmas leather daddy’ is the present they want. (To ‘bone,’ not open.)
Has a penis ever been a present?
Perhaps you’ll remember ’06 with Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg and a little ditty they called “D*** in a Box.” The Holiday version.
Has a penis ever written a letter to Santa?
Just so happens i came across Buck Hujabre singing Angela Chan’s “Sad Penis Christmas.” No real Alert needed here, it’s loads of innuendo (see what i did there?)… but it’s a real show stopper. And yes, the penis wants love for Xmas.
Some consideration of the primary sexual characteristics, before we smash ’em up for Christmas.
Starting with the crown jewels, then. You do know someone is gonna write a song or twenty about penises and Baby J’s birthday–don’t you?
Parodies of traditional carols muddied up with explicit content is a whole category. You’ll have to wait for that tedium… But ‘White’ gets a howlingly bad under-aged nympho cat screech with “Wide Penis” from Kwixotica. (Her channel also includes caroldies about pissing, shitting, and vomiting all over herself from partying too much.) George Takei is no better at this.
To redeem myself in your eyes, i submit Matt Mulholland’s “O Holy Night.” He conjured this song idea when he was thirteen and… well, please click on the link and be amazed. (His non-December related follow-up is worth the notice.)
Actually better than that, The Vandals bring unto us an original jolly pop folk number “Christmas Time for My Penis.” It’s melodic, sweet, and corny (not like a real penis at all).
Overall, the hate aimed at Christmas flails a wide brush. Can we get more specific? Which aspect of the holidays spurred yer cursing? Well?
Well, we’ve investigated some of these heretofore. Tin Can Bros “F***ing Christmas Sweater” is sure pop music swell. Sure can’t fault the flute! And Kyle Dunnigan’s “Fuck You, Mistletoe!” is country catastrophe of the comic kind. Wild. I laugh every time i hear ’bout the ‘Sloppy Joe.’
Fortress of Attitude strums the folk tremulo to tell us “It’s Fucking Cold Outside.” It’s on their Christmas album (& it’s funny), so okay.
Big Sub-o (feat. Jim Dandy) raps wise against the economic constraints of the damned holy-day with “Fuck a Tree.” (Santa’s vilified as well.)
Okay, here’s what we’ve been waiting for. From ‘Another Fucking Christmas Play: A Fucking Musical’ comes “Another Fucking Christmas Song” by the original cast (feat. Eric Branget). Ah, the ennui. It is to kill us! (But until then, can anyone get me tickets?!)
Not EXACTLY Xmas, that time of the year can result in invective to color a sailor’s cheeks. (No, i don’t mean Chanukah… we covered that already.) Listen, just listen:
Xmas Socks (what a band name!) outcry their concerns with “Fuck Idolatry.” Who took the bleep out of bleeping bleepmas?
Matt Owens brings us back to church with an epic ballad “One Fuck of a Year,” a Christmas-adjacent retrospective of headache and regret. Keep the lessons a hunnert, man. And–puppies!
Then there’s the TOO-EARLY celebration. Doug Walker is back (The Nostalgic Critic) with a show tune warning us off the “Holiday Clusterf**k,” that chilly quarter of the year from equinox to solstice. It’s not Christmas, it’s business! Who knew corporations could be so unkind?
Animation and swearing, it’s like chocolate and tuna fish! They shouldn’t go together, but somehow–
‘Nightmare Before Christmas’ is the easy target here, ‘cuz it’s a musical (duh) and also weirdos like it.
Gamma Secretase plays “Fuck This” as a Madlibs, poking in the swear word for some other word as often as possible. Your laughter levels will tell you how high you are at the moment.
Shorter and more clever (though with direct drug references) is Lord Jazor’s “The F*ck is This?” Yeah, i know, it’s a Christmas movie, not really a Christmas song. Still like it.
Bring on the star holiday abhorer, Scrooge. Dozens of iterations of this iconic humbugger include many apt songs.
1992 featured Anthony Newly frolicking through “I Hate Christmas.” He actually hates all people who celebrate it. Small, significant difference, as that is the actual title of the song.
Keith Ferguson and Bruce Greer lean more heavily on the Dickens text with “Scrooge’s Song” in the 2015 church and high school friendly ‘A Christmas Carol: A New Musical.’ The ‘cast’ Scrooge here makes less hate and more economic disapproval with his singsongy operatic LesMiz prattle.
The Alan Mencken 1993 ‘A Christmas Carol: The Musical’ roils about with the operatic Walter Charles bickering with the hands out in “Nothing to Do With Me.” (Don’t find the Kelsey Grammer 2004 Hallmark adaptation.)
Out of the Ark has their own ‘Bah Humbug!–A Dickens of a Christmas Carol’ with such 2018 assembly-ready kids chorus numbers as “Bah Humbug“–don’t sing hamburger again, Randy, I’m warning you!
Time for kidstuff! Must recap 1962’s ‘Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol’ with the heinous hee-hee of Jim Backus chortling “Ringle Rangle” an ode to coin.
“The Stingiest Man in Town” is the title song from a 1956 TV musical snuck into animation by Rankin Bass in 1978. Here Tom Bosley (a bug) sings about how mean Scrooge (Walter Matthau) is, not necessarily as relates to Xmas. “Humbug” is the better angerpalooza with Dennis Day (Nephew Fred) and Matthau himself. Hatin’ on the St. Nicholas. This is a hoot.
The most fun of the hate is the 1992 ‘The Muppet Christmas Carol’ with the cast toasting the miserly, stingy, awful “Scrooge.” Michael Caine towering over the little felt guys is so menacing.
Famous Christmas haters? Let’s start slow.
“Winona Ryder Hates Christmas” needs a revisit from us here. Thanks again Fake Shark Real Zombie. You the best.
“I Hate Christmas Eve” is a half-baked attempt to make a musical out of the ‘Grinch’ story. The whole troupe gets involved here, which is too bad. I had hoped for a bombastic belt-down from the big Kahuna bringing down the house, not a sympathetic kumbaya.