Category: metal

For X-Ray Mary “The Worst Christmas Ever” begins with Santa dead. The rollicking punk pop makes it sound more like an inconvenience. La di dah.

Two-Fisted Slobberknocker leans into the punk with their “The Worst Christmas Ever.” Economic disadvantage drives this punk screamer.

Glamourpuss recounts “The Worst Christmas” with experimental metal. Apparently crappy presents ruin everything. It’s terrible. (Not the song; it’s cool.)

Man of Arms worries about zealots, breadlines, and missile launches in their spunky indie “It’s Christmas Time and Everything’s Wrong.” Lively for a bummer.

Hot Buttered Elves give us a hot minute of exposition with their “Mayan Santa.” Angry, they claim, the fat man will unleash volcanic endtimes in 2012. Remember that?

Hip to that Bastard Monster barricades the manor to prevent Sant bringing the “Christmas of Doom.” Measured metal makes a meal of this mess. What’s with that spoon?

It could be the end of the world, sings Akal Odea (feat. DW) for “This Christmas Will be Different.” It’s been a helluva year, he continues, with an R+B downbeat that harshest the buzziest of buzzes.

Palma Violets approaches “Last Christmas on Planet Earth” with enjoyable rocking pop. Rudolph was shot down, but hey–whaddya going to do?

Everybody’s running and screaming crazy! when nuclear war threatens at just the wrong time in Hot Buttered Elves’ “Dead for Christmas.” Listen for the cheering at the end of this garage crowd pleaser.

Tyler Huston gets metal with the rock if it’s gonna be the “Last Christmas on Earth.” I mean, party–right? Or–declare love. Yeah, that’s good, too.

Darius Rucker smoothly wonders “What God Wants for Christmas.” Well, God IS everything… but the devil given up could be one of those wishes. Pop soul.

Wolf Devil unleashes the ultimate wingman when they metal croak “(Party with) The Christmas Devil.” It’s tinkly!

Schizoid Lloyd proudly presents the metal “Christmas Devil.” Born of whores, with horns, he recommends to poke it with a stick.

I’m not the sort to pick nits over pointing out the monster has no name and the creator does. You can infer from context clues which is scary. It’s Christmas after all.

When the monster wishes for a brand new bride from his ‘father,’ it’s “Merry Christmas Frankenstein.” Wm Matt Miller’s indie rock seems a prelude to some rock-opera, but we need to move on.

Lucky Tones smuggle in some comedy with misheard scripture concerning gold, frankincense, and myrrh. “Baby Jesus, Santa Claus, and Frankenstein” is the corny country result. Rather than magi, they figure villagers (with pitchforks).

Josh Reim combines precious video game style melody with distorted metal vocals for “Frankenstein’s Holiday.” Weird.

Sham Gabr ‘s problem is that Christmas with the family is “Christmas with Aliens.” Metaphorical indie that stretches the premise, but all aliens are welcome here.

Even more metaphorical. The Winter Failure’s marvelous little album P.S. It’s Christmas features an alien (Far-naz) who strikes up a friendship with an Earthling who happens to have a bear name (Grizzly). In their indie “The Brightest Star” the bear-man misses his old friend now so far away. Touching.

Back to robots and spaceships! Matthew Ebel has a cute talky musical: The High Orbit Holiday Special, in which the protagonist is involved in a toys heist in space and spends time in jail. “Merry Christmas from Cell Block 2” celebrates hard time with aliens. Peppy pop.

Martians try to ease Count the Clock’s “Christmas in Space.” Soft soothing pop about the strange colors of eggnog and Santa’s beard for the Martian Xmas.

Melodicka Brothers penned a song by committee about Satan and then Santa explaining Christmas to an alien. It’s “The Best Christmas Song Ever (About an Alien).” I guess ‘cuz the alien catches the Christmas spirit and so doesn’t kill us all. Metal rock.

Sean Leigh’s “Pirate Christmas Song” with lounge rock recounts the traditions of those lawless seamen: dirty jokes, homemade gifts, and Spam. Amateur amusement.

“Christmas with Alestorm” features the merry metal of the band Alestorm singing a true Gaelic ballad about Christmas Eve in pirate land. Most of the line ending rhyme with rum, and no one remembers the night before. But….

Trains can be toys, too! And G Scale is 1:24. If you calculate you get an actual train of 100 cars to a model over 200 feet long.

Kiboomers list the toys under the tree with territoriality ‘cuz “Santa Put It There for Me.” To the tune of ‘Knick Knack Paddiwack’ we find a doll, a drum, and a train! Kidsong horror. [JunyTony doubles down on this same song, but it’s all for ONE kid. Easy now….]

Thomas the Tank Engine brings on Brit pop for the little toy train that could toot in “The Little Engine Who Believed.” Sodor so adorable.

So horrible is The Christmas Workshop Band with their “Old Christmas Toy” song. Whistling electronics help the nausea of the uncertain lyrics.

My only recourse is to resort to death metal from Soul Contract. “Up on the Housetop” is nearly unrecognizable from them, including giving young Will a train and lots of tracks and a hammer and a whip that cracks. Then run.

Not all Christmas railways are candy striped…

Almost threatening, the alt-rock of Regent Royale in “Tiny Tim – Christmas Train” spits out the word fun like a curse. Proceed with caution.

Zac Hartman’s “All Aboard the Christmas Train” is a long studio session about loss and emptiness. Mopey rap.

“Christmas Train” from Men and Machine is rockin’ blues about Santa and Rudolph piloting that rolling hunk of steel your way. Now with harmonica.

Michael Irvine’s “Christmas Train” is capital B blues. Big downer for the holidays. Now with more harmonica.

But the big fret is from DeathTongue’s “Christmas Train.” Santa is on an axe purge, riding the rails from door to door to eliminate the naughty. Or, just all of us. Metal.