Year-round Yuletide oddities
Some people just festoon the halls and bowers and hearths and passersby with the bells. They just hang there and look pretty–pretty Christmassy, that is!
Driftless Sisters “Hang a Little Bell” as step one in the process of celebrating. Soulful pop you might wanna take notes during.
Join hands and sing in a round with War Pony Dos. “Hang the Bell from the Christmas Tree” is that hippie folk rock we need to chant to create the spirit.
No Christmas. I mean, none. You going to cry? Or, perhaps, will you join hands Whoville-style and sing about how you still got it. That calendar number don’t matter!
Santhosh Chris sermonizes with his peppy pop in “If There’s No Christmas.” Just cut it out, okay? Or try the chipmunk version.
No gifts–how ’bout just NO CHRISTMAS?! Hell no, you say?
Imagine there’s no holidays; it’s easy if you sing….
Bassist for The Jimi Hendrix Experience, Noel Redding walks us through the hinter(wonder)land of naughts with “No More Christmas” It’s all the psychedelic folk you’d expect from this master blaster. Gives me the munchies.
Is Xmas about the presents? You know better than to fall into that trick question trap. What should you really be into for the holidays? Well, imma tell you:
Lil B gets what for from his mama in “No Presents,” a rap battle of mediocre proportions. I do hope he learns to lessen.
The Sowell Family bands together for bluegrass and preachin’ in “It’s Not Christmas.” Turns out presents are the least of your hopes. No tree, nor snow, nor–i’m not sure but maybe not even–family matters. You better pray you figure out what does.
Pony Death Ride lands on what’s important with their “Nothing Beats Old People at Christmas.” No specifically eschewing gifts (they didn’t get you any bc they ‘thought you would be dead’), this BLUE ALERT irony must be heard, because millennials.
Another reason you might get nothing for Christmas is if you do not subscribe to that particular exchange program.
Chuck Brodsky goes full Dylan for “On Christmas I Got Nothing.” Hilarity ensues.
We’re well out of coal for Christmas ideas for novelty songs, so let’s say NO to coal.
Les Barons slow bluesrocks ‘a Krampus song’ about how there’ll be “No Coal in My Stocking Tonight.” This psychological investigation into what you think of him is a bit scary.
Chandra Knudsen gets emo maudlin about getting YOU “Instead of Coal.” She doesn’t seem to believe in Xmas, but she ranges her pop all over the folk chords diva-style.
Maybe that coal in your stocking is supposed to be a good present!
“Top 10 Reasons Why Santa Gave You Coal for Christmas” by Art Paul Schlosser is a stuttery folk improv that might just change your mind about the positivity of rocks.
One of the kindest warnings about how to behave and avoid Santa’s anthracite comes from English lad Rob Lord a scorer of films (from Pumpkinhead 4 Blood Feud to I Am Durán) whose tinkly experimentation of tune soothes and refreshes. “Bag of Coal” is the childish hope edged with concern that Xmas will go well. Relax, kid. You got this.
The threat of coal in your Christmas stocking measures a culmination of your evils set on a balance ‘gainst your goods.
Mocking those with Christianity on their lips but not in their hearts, Delores Dagenals almost apologetically strums out the folk denouncement “Stockings Full of Coal.” Yeah, you better listen!
Also turning the lump of coal story on its ore, David Dondero folk rocks us the tale of the tormented trannie who inspires us to fling the middle finger to those who have purported this intolerant age. How do you like them briquettes, the man? “Samantha’s Got a Bag of Coal” only touches on a Christmas tradition without being a true carol, but please sing along for the spirit of the season. Thank you.
Now that girls have been mentioned, let’s allow they can ride and rope and rape the environment like their white counterparts.
The English Brothers pick and grin and yodel up a bit of fun with “Cowboy and Cowgirl Christmas.” Cattle’s out of the bag.
Nevada Slim and Cimmaron Sue depict the hard life of a “Cowgirl’s Christmas.” She’s all alone, you see, so it’s tough. Quiet, unplugged pathos.
Well, let’s welcome them back for a more upbeat wanna-be dream. “The Cowgirl who Lost Her Jingle” is the bouncy tale of a li’l one who outgrew her boots. Don’t fret, we’ll wrangle a happy ending out of this muddle (no, it’s not sexist, i swear).