What are Americans really scared of? Each other? Oh, for the days of us v. them that involved other countries (not just dissimilar looking Americans).
Rathergood has those godless Reds co-opting OUR holiday with their sprightly growling “Communist Christmas.” I want a chocolate Trotsky! Erm, i mean, what about the Son of God!?
Shana Lynette, fresh from Pittsburgh, Kansas, made a small splash in our Cold War with her 1983 novelty swinger “Mr. Russian, Please Don’t shoot Down Santa’s Sleigh.” That’ll show ’em.
Gimme gimme gimme songs about Christmas shopping, wrapping, unwrapping, and returning gifts. Boy howdy.
Indicting capitalism Matt Roach likes “Giving Christmas the Business.” The more you spend, the more you love God. Alt garage.
Where to start? Try “K-hristmart” from Norick Eve. They have everything in alt-rock sizings.
Or, try “The Corner Store on Christmas” from Bowling for Soup (feat. Jaret Reddick). This alt pop gives us the ideas no one wants, but i like it. A lot.
Or, try “Christmas at the Old Mall” from The Likes of Jeff Pittman. The idea of a mall being old is so millennial! This jouncy country pop makes it sound like a hootenanny.
Trouble shopping? “Shoulda Went Online… Capiche?” swings out Bacio with some heavy brass. Never too late to pay extra for expedited shipping.
Teen pop swings the greed with “Give Me Everything.” The Aftershow might be a talented group of kids, or a corporate algorithm. ADHD bouncy.
Draco and the Malfoys folk the flaunt with “Christmas with My Mom and Dad.” What didn’t he get? A tragic backstory? Oh yeah, that other kid got that.
Parody interlude! The Withers take down Faith Hill’s ‘This Kiss’ with “This Gift.” Some pretty bad ideas here, gang. Take notes.
Let’s look at who’s giving whom what. Powerful (and serious) Marc Sardou alts out “The Present (To Khloe Colon).” Oddly moving.
“You Give Better Gifts to Ben” from Norick Eve altrocks the fun stuff just opened. Sudden caroling joy and squirrely whistling add up to a party.
Getting weird with love as wrapping paper, Graduation Speech plays alt rock/folk philosophical into “This is a Gift.” Snap snap, man. Beat poetic.
The New Anxiety psychoanalyze us with their must-have present accessory, “Gift Receipt.” Jazzy pop folk.
Or better yet, BLUE ALERT “Regift That Shit!” Pop screaming from DJ Timbo.
Dealing with that regifting, Mr. Cork narrates “A Recycled Christmas Story.” Gentle jazz background reminiscent of a coffeehouse recitation of ‘Grinch.’
What do you need? I mean really? “All the Gifts I Need” is the joy of Christmas, swings JD McPherson. Cool, daddi-o.
Singing is part of the Christmas holiday. Hark, what did those herald angels do? Some songs even mention the act, in a fun ironic meta kinda way. No, they are not easy to come across, and some lines will be blurred in order to celebrate thusly.
Go with it.
Riders in the Sky have some virtuosic levity with the connectiveness of all carols with “The Last Christmas Medley You’ll Ever Need to Hear.” It’s largely instrumental, but they’re the cowboys who can swing it. JJ Dion has a “2.0 version” (now with a second verse) that really sings. Schticks to your funny bones.
Wendell Ferguson goes more melodic with “Why Does Every Christmas Song Have So Many Chords?” Slow country swing, deceptively so.
Although cancelled by Nickelodeon, this popular toon was resuscitated and is now the 2nd longest running cartoon series on that network (behind SpongeBob).
Musical numbers tend to be classy, rather than silly (perhaps due to the aged magical helpers).
Timmy apparently never watched that Elmo special and wishes for “Christmas Everyday” in an early episode, much to all’s dismay. Jazzy.
More comical, “Not on the List” is a symphonic tribute to all the kids’ regrets the day after. Frantic.
What’s a holiday season without regret? Let those blues come out to play!
Jimmy Reed from 1971 adds some funk to the blues and gets mushmouthed for “Christmas Present Blues.” He’s upset about you, baby. Show some ‘preciation, honey.
In the 1920s rap sounded different. The Rev. A.W. Nix represents how “Death May be Your Christmas Present.” I mention it, ‘cuz it’s on quite the original blues collection album.
Screwing with the genre, Wheels Fargo & The Nightengale get Cajun honkytonk swing for their “Christmas Present Blues.” Infidelity!
Let St. Nick tell you about the bringing of the gifts.
My boys Duncan G and Brian (where are you, guys?) pretty up an Xmas parody, so who can tell me what “King of Christmas Giving” pays homage to? (‘m kinda outta the regular music scene). Love it, though.
Uncredited to the stable of stock singers, “Santa’s Delivery” from A Latino Christmas delivers hot cool.
Oscar McLollie digs that crazy Santa Claus with swinging big band doo wop in “I Deliver Toys, Pt. 1.” A Christmas novelty must. Jingle jangle.
Once we get to the actual presents for Christmas, we must bear in mind, some of the worst, schmaltzy, banal, time-wasting tripe in Christmas song is the I-WANT-YOU cliche. If that’s all you want for Christmas i hope you didn’t meet her last summer and wasted all Fall pining. And i hope you don’t think some magical Santa sack is gonna enslave her to your will, you pathetic wanna-be rapist. If, on the other scummy hand, you NEED-NO-OTHER-PRESENTS then you should take another look at the whole Western Civ notion of the holiday, ‘cuz either yo’ broke or unimaginative. When you’re more romantic than materialistic, why even observe the Big C? Don’t even cheapen the Hallmark moment with that word ‘presents.’
But…
Some pretty cool songs do metaphorize the gift for the giver. I submit to the saccharine for a week.
J B Summers grooves you back to the ’40s with “I Want a Present for Christmas.” Wailing pre-rock ‘n’ roll jazz band wanting on that present, ‘cuz he’s tired a’ bein’ alone. Tiny Grimes‘s verzh is more approachable, less raw.
Do wop that “Christmas Present” with Raymond Peace. You’ll be glad you did. It’s a song that money can buy.
Swing with Jon Aley and “The Best Darn Present in the Whole Wide World.” I’m glad i did. It’s a song i posted.
Finishing off that wrapping job on your Xmas gift? Some ribbons, praps?
Kacey Musgraves actually doesn’t need “Ribbons and Bows,” but can’t keep pop rocking about them. Talented vocals.
Jessica and Eddie Harrison (feat. Donna Beaurais) also miss the point with “Christmas Ribbons,” singing instead about family and love and carrying on.
Also stretching our theme, Trent Holloway sings “Blue Ribbon Christmas,” alluding to the PBRs he’s gonna pack away since you left him. Bluesy country cryin’.
Hank Thompson and the Brazos Valley Boys is going cheap this year, ‘cuz he’s gonna “Wrap My Heart in Ribbons” for you this Christmas. It is the most he can give. Gentle country swing is the least he can do.
Tromp tromp tromp, whew! Hack hack hack, hooboy! The extraction of the right evergreen is almost as hard as giving virgin birth!
Take this word of warning to heart through Erik Darling’s “Revenge of the Christmas Tree.” Frolicsome bluegrass, yes; but beware, boyo! The tree might bite back.
With a little help, p’raps it could be jolly. Dick Gardiner offers the twanging country tale of a little boy who follows a stranger into the woods with “Santa Helped Me Cut a Christmas Tree.” (I’m not sure, but i think the little boy was institutionalized while his brothers moved on…).
For those who axe, Maple Leaf Learning teaches us counting and clear cutting with “Three Christmas Trees.” Xylophonically childish!
Jug band hee holiday fun from Max E Voltz who wants to go out and cut down “A Natural Christmas Tree.” Consider my knee slapped. (But watch out for the twist ending.)
Brassy jazz from Danish Big Band Radio (feat. Mads Mathias) might remind you of smokey joints without family values, but “Chop Chop (The Xmas Tree)” wails and nails it down home.
The blues pick up the pace for “Last Minute Chopping” from Dr. BLT. Bubbas with axes.
Peter Lerman swings up another classy slab of jazz with “Let’s Chop Down a Christmas Tree.” It’s the big band look at family fun–tree-doh, diddy-o, tree-oh!
Grampa Frank Sinatra was really something back in 1957. His “Mistletoe and Holly” gives him a co-writer credit. He owns this old time piece of holiday celebrating, I’ll tell you that. His voice is a sensuous waltz of seduction. Brrrr.
Jack Jones hey-girls the lounge bop out of it even more.
Kidz Bop clunk together some youngsters’ harmony for their version. It’s Frank clone.
Leigh Nash injects some welcome innocence in her turn. Pop that oldie, girl.
Ms. Waskin and Radio sass up the girl parts of the next one. They sound like they’re waitin’ for a bus.
Faith Evans turns up the asthma attack with her breathy, overly percussive arrangement. It stops short of actual soul and lands in the toy department.
Just about my favey-fave is the warbling abandon from Jenny Daniels. She loses herself (and her metrical place) in this bows to the nose belt-down. Weee!
The other multitudinous mash-ups aren’t worth repeating. (Not even The Hot Sardines‘ big band finger-popping bit.)
Let’s turn this on its head for a surprise twist ending: Jim Lauderdale, a CW songwriter of note, good-ol-boy-ing “Holly and Her Mistletoe.” Not the same old hat standard at all, gang! It’s a down south dive dance tune with just a hint o’ nasty to it.
