That inbetween space ‘twixt light and dark contains the brokenhearted. During dark times (solstice, frinstance) the mopey becomes the dweller in the cellar for as long as–say a song.
Bobby Vee’s 1962 swingin’, swayin’ “A Not So Very Merry Christmas” blues-rocks the woes melodically with long-drawn out chorus notes. Can you dig it?
Luther Vandross makes an annual fool of himself with the R+B complaint “Every Year, Every Christmas.” He won’t give you up, no matter he can’t find you. You had to be there.
Taylor Swift shows the talent you’d expect with “Christmasses When You were Mine,” a gentle trembling country piece of poetry about living in the past.
Dr. BLT sings about himself (wishfully) with the wistful romantic fast folk “Songwriting Santa.” Or maybe it’s moving too fast. He croons to woo. A bit later he writes to Baby Jesus that “I’ll be Writing You a Christmas Song.” Heartfelt folk with kid backup.
Matt Roach can only do one thing for you (it’s writing a song). “Christmas Morning Eyes” is an alt stumble through the love-you/no-present-though. Near miss.
Amateur hour from The Paulson Family Band. “We Wrote You This Song for Christmas” really seems like a peek into a private family+friends exchange. Their earnest folking is nearly enchanting.
Your-gift-is-my-song rings out more successfully from Jason Lancaster with the throat shredding piano recital power ballad “All I Can Give You.” Goosies!
Red State Update has decided to eschew all carols in favor of their “Christmas Tambourine.” Hard rock (i think).
Also limited, Do You Hear What I Hear (feat. Simply Weasels) asks “Santa Tune My Guitar” so the songs can get going, you know, euphonically like.
Wendell Ferguson picks the old style country rock while sheepishly admitting to “Workin’ in a One-Hit Wonderland.” Slight BLUE ALERT, but cuddly cute.
Terrible, bad, heinous songs may briefly be considered. The inconceivably Eurotrashy Günther serenades you with ‘Ding dong! It’s a Christmas song!’ in his “Christmas Song.” Awful, baby, simply ’70s disco awful.
Greg and Brian’s “The Worst Christmas Carol” is jk cheap funk with childish sentiment. Unfortunate, more than sick-making.
Geraldine McQueen crosses us back over to the weird (ambiguously sexually slanted enough for us to make up our own aesthetic) with the show tune “Once Upon a Christmas Song.” Come along with me: love, hate, love hate… (over and over again).
Time for the full frontal irony: Tony Thaxton drops the humor bomb in “Another Generic Christmas Song,” with seasonal pop underpinnings. Got me!
Pucker up! Mistletoe songs are a dime a berry, but most are olden. Fewer newer.
And some just mention the weed. Tenth Avenue North’s “Mistletoe (The Christmas Sweater Song)” is about love, sweaters, waiting… and–maybe one kiss at the end. Alt makes it sound worth it, though.
Others play childish. Well, a childrens’ play. Okay, a movie about a Nativity pageant in a school. You got me, the SECOND SEQUEL of ‘Nativity’ (‘Nativity 3: Dude, Where’s My Donkey’) features “The Mistletoe Song,” a romp about embarrassing your peers. (There’s a fourth film, as well as an actual stage musical.) (But it’s all British so it won’t impact you so much.)
Or you might introduce the concept with elementary rock’n’roll by way of ‘Tannenbaum.’ Seriously. Joe Dowell plays kooky for the teens with “A Kiss for Christmas.” In German!
Others shorthand the growth to springboard parody. The Withers get textbook with their “Mistletoe.” You might learn something.
Or pucker up the funniness of mwah mwah mwah! “Christmas Kisses” from Red State Update may not namedrop mistletoe, but it has to get a spin here. Odd pop.
Or cut directly to the dirty deed–“Top Under the Mistletoe” from lil aaron just wants some. Direct light rap.
Then there’s the whole hog. Boot scootin’ pop country (with narrative bridges from Sally Struthers) finales the Lifetime Christmas movie ‘Christmas Harmony’ about a big-city girl who… who cares what it’s about? It’s formulaic! The song “Everything’s Gone Missing But the Mistletoe” chronicled by Kelley Jakle and Adam Mayfield reassures the audience that all you need is love, and basic cable.
My collection of Xmas (about USA) songs was a mishmash of odd references. Couldn’t tell if i was saluting or kneeling. (Aren’t those both reverential?)
Take Brian Kinder’s “Fruitcake” song that invokes the founding fathers. What in the name of children’s music is that?
The Hamilton parody on Rudolph was so good, Six13 returns with a Hanukkah Hamilton, entitled “A Hamilton Chanukah.” Tangentially American. Wait, The Maccabeats do this, too? Theirs is called “Hasmonean.”
Biting the hand, Johnny Setlist pushes 1st Amendment limits with a BLUE ALERT bit o’ the irony “Christmas in America (Every Single Day).” Folkabilly that hits that mandolin hard, mocking by protesting too much in honor of.
Just as funning, F. Lobot intones ‘The Night Before’ to the karaoke of ‘Star-Spangled’: Yes, it’s “The Star-Spangled Christmas Tree.” Stand up, godammit.
What i DID not pursue that first iteration was that political ping pong tournament of Dems v. Reps. You want that hairpulling, read whichever news appeals to you. But i have found an irreverent easy listening country piece about how both sides should get along for the holidays. It’s BLUE ALERT time, so take a tranq, get comfy, and listen patiently to Red State Update’s “Divided Nation Christmas.” (It’s like ten years old, so historical… and what’s the saying about tragedy + time = comedy…?)
Sex is such a great release for the holidays. It’s a religious experience. It’s a confirmation of commitment.
But what if you get a Jesus-sized headache.
“I Don’t Feel Like Fucking This Christmas” is the guilty canticle from Red State Update. He’d rather go to church, just for this day, dear. Country pop. And really dirty.
Common talk for common folk, some of the best cussin’ is from our cousins in the backwoods. They got the time to guttertalk the holidays. What else they going to do–get jobs?
Grampa with an agenda Chip Taylor calls all y’all on the hypocrisy of Christ’s day with yer shopping and sipping and ignoring the poor. “Merry F’n Christmas” sticks with the euphemism of the single letter, while drawling out slow country molasses guitar. Preach: Jesus light up that trailer park.
Sounding like every other song, with a minor twang, Flat Earth Man presents “Fuck Christmas.” There’s anal, ammo… not so much with the amusement, though. That’s no joke.
Country’s bastard, country rock, can fill stadiums, but The Rugburns bring the garage to their “I Hate Christmas,” a noisy noisome complaint about stickin’ your dick in anything that moves. Take a bow, gentlemen.
Is it funny because it’s inappropriate, or is it inappropriate because it’s funny?
Eric Idle doesn’t exactly corner the market with the higher number of targets to swear at. But “Fuck Christmas” racks up one of the highest incidences of that sound. Symphonic social commentary. Andy Shernold has a more musical version of this, like it’s a real song.
With a soupcon more wit (and sounding like the Pythons a bit), Kevin Bloody Wilson countrifies an elf screed in “Ho Ho Fucking Ho.” A barn burner of a bit.
Family makes everything complicated, from Oedipal issues to racist oldsters to genetic disorders. Is that enough to ruin the holidays?
Adolphe Adam wails some ‘grass country blues as “I Hate Christmas” away from home. See, in this case, Xmas means you miss the ones you love best when you can’t be there. Yeah, that’s heavy. Asleep at the Wheel honky tonks the hell out of it as well.
The real problem is diagrammed by Kristin Key with real lounge comedy in “Hate My Family at Christmas.” Some unasked-for banjo insists this is a redneck’s problem.
Sara Baker has a special reason when she belts out “(I Hate) Every Single Christmas.” The fam is all after her, like why no ring? why no kids? why no matchey matchey? Soaring country show tune.
That stupid Santa, the terrible tinsel, ludicrous lights… i could just explode! All together these are the thousands drops of water torture.
Ambivalently, Malach! Poe offkey garages “Dear Christmas (I Kind of Hate You).” Can’t commit to a feeling, or a key–the whole number is verisimilitude malaise.
Do You Hear What I Hear (feat. Joseph Cimino) salsas up the bad feelings with “I Hate the Holidays.” Because of a suggestion of singing curative, this smacks of aversion therapy.
Dr. BLT begins with general hating, but “I Hate Christmas (And Other Lies)” rosters up the fa la la loathing about the the little things around your decorated home. Is he kidding? Country fun.
Let’s remember this is all ironic: Christmas is made for joy and forgiveness and party puking–no regrets!
So, in the spirit of opposite day, time for the exaggerated cartoony fun.
Some don’t like the Adam Sandler cartoon ‘Eight Crazy Nights’ but i’m a fan. “Davey’s Song” is about the tragic orphan hating on the night he lost his family. Hilarious show tune.
Also movie derived, House of Breaking Glass’s “A Very Grumpy Christmas” from ‘Grumpy Cat’s Christmas’ adds a little ragtime to a miserable time. You’re welcome.
Casey Shea recounts another tough time around the holidays in “Worst Christmas Ever.” Keep an eye open for hopin’ near the end….
