Year-round Yuletide oddities
Sex is such a great release for the holidays. It’s a religious experience. It’s a confirmation of commitment.
But what if you get a Jesus-sized headache.
“I Don’t Feel Like Fucking This Christmas” is the guilty canticle from Red State Update. He’d rather go to church, just for this day, dear. Country pop. And really dirty.
Common talk for common folk, some of the best cussin’ is from our cousins in the backwoods. They got the time to guttertalk the holidays. What else they going to do–get jobs?
Grampa with an agenda Chip Taylor calls all y’all on the hypocrisy of Christ’s day with yer shopping and sipping and ignoring the poor. “Merry F’n Christmas” sticks with the euphemism of the single letter, while drawling out slow country molasses guitar. Preach: Jesus light up that trailer park.
Sounding like every other song, with a minor twang, Flat Earth Man presents “Fuck Christmas.” There’s anal, ammo… not so much with the amusement, though. That’s no joke.
Country’s bastard, country rock, can fill stadiums, but The Rugburns bring the garage to their “I Hate Christmas,” a noisy noisome complaint about stickin’ your dick in anything that moves. Take a bow, gentlemen.
Is it funny because it’s inappropriate, or is it inappropriate because it’s funny?
Eric Idle doesn’t exactly corner the market with the higher number of targets to swear at. But “Fuck Christmas” racks up one of the highest incidences of that sound. Symphonic social commentary. Andy Shernold has a more musical version of this, like it’s a real song.
With a soupcon more wit (and sounding like the Pythons a bit), Kevin Bloody Wilson countrifies an elf screed in “Ho Ho Fucking Ho.” A barn burner of a bit.
Family makes everything complicated, from Oedipal issues to racist oldsters to genetic disorders. Is that enough to ruin the holidays?
Adolphe Adam wails some ‘grass country blues as “I Hate Christmas” away from home. See, in this case, Xmas means you miss the ones you love best when you can’t be there. Yeah, that’s heavy. Asleep at the Wheel honky tonks the hell out of it as well.
The real problem is diagrammed by Kristin Key with real lounge comedy in “Hate My Family at Christmas.” Some unasked-for banjo insists this is a redneck’s problem.
Sara Baker has a special reason when she belts out “(I Hate) Every Single Christmas.” The fam is all after her, like why no ring? why no kids? why no matchey matchey? Soaring country show tune.
That stupid Santa, the terrible tinsel, ludicrous lights… i could just explode! All together these are the thousands drops of water torture.
Ambivalently, Malach! Poe offkey garages “Dear Christmas (I Kind of Hate You).” Can’t commit to a feeling, or a key–the whole number is verisimilitude malaise.
Do You Hear What I Hear (feat. Joseph Cimino) salsas up the bad feelings with “I Hate the Holidays.” Because of a suggestion of singing curative, this smacks of aversion therapy.
Dr. BLT begins with general hating, but “I Hate Christmas (And Other Lies)” rosters up the fa la la loathing about the the little things around your decorated home. Is he kidding? Country fun.
Let’s remember this is all ironic: Christmas is made for joy and forgiveness and party puking–no regrets!
So, in the spirit of opposite day, time for the exaggerated cartoony fun.
Some don’t like the Adam Sandler cartoon ‘Eight Crazy Nights’ but i’m a fan. “Davey’s Song” is about the tragic orphan hating on the night he lost his family. Hilarious show tune.
Also movie derived, House of Breaking Glass’s “A Very Grumpy Christmas” from ‘Grumpy Cat’s Christmas’ adds a little ragtime to a miserable time. You’re welcome.
Casey Shea recounts another tough time around the holidays in “Worst Christmas Ever.” Keep an eye open for hopin’ near the end….
Perhaps you have a good reason for being “sick”? What if you had to work?!
“Calling in Sick at Christmas” doesn’t hint at what awful occupation Harley and the Hoggbites are dodging. Who’s out there? Police, firefighters, air traffic controllers, doctors… nobody important we can’t do without. Nasal country honky tonk.
The thing about camouflge clothing–remember where you put it!
The sadness of serving is missing family, and some times are worse than others. So here comes country western to make you cry harder. (I’ve mentioned most of these afore.)
Let’s try “Camouflage and Christmas Lights” by someone new, the Duck Dynasty crew. Maudlin scene building of what it’s like over there with slow honky tonk.
Jenny Brown sings “Camouflage Christmas” missing her soldiering other. Tender country twanging, soaring angelic vocals. Gives the other boys jealousy.
Is this new? Michelle Lombardi pushes hard her “Christmas in Camouflage,” a pop country family sing-along. Slick sentiment.
Here’s one i know i haven’t mentioned: Slidawg & The Redneck Ramblers twist the sentiment to white trash comedy with a parody of ol’ yule ‘Blue Christmas’ into “Blue Camo Christmas.” Seems like ol’ Jethro was out inna woods huntin’ when he missed the holidays….
Underneath it all, we start the ensemble.
Courtney Stoddard has already described the “Mistletoe Bikini” of legend. Worth a second lick.
Considerably more family friendly, “Pink Panties, The Christmas Song” deals with presents (more later). Mark Scherbel spins a country tale of such decorous decorativeness, however, it must be visited here. Charming.
The best tribute to those novelty noel naughty underthings comes from Kacey Jones. Country comedy called “I’m Down to My Christmas Underwear” does not address that actual time of year, but the quandry concerning those things you won’t wear–ever.
The season is upon us… what to wear?! (Spoiler alert: it’s going to be mostly ugly sweaters and Santa suits.)
First off–what’s the weather outside (frightful?). Then we recommend “Winter Clothes” as kidsonged by Joanie Calem.
Tom Rambow (The Porch Owls) takes a different (folk) route with his “Winter Clothes” all about lovers’ regrets. Pretty stuff.
Back Pocket gets alt jazz with “Winter Clothes” about depression and pain.
“Winter Clothes” for Marrus is just baggage. Garage light.
Derek Fawcett eases the mood when he signs about the weather worsening calling out for “Winter Clothes.” But then his pop folk starts the blame game with some metaphor for his relationship. Crybaby.
Retro pop folk (like Simon and Garfunkle) is Grace Basement with “Warmest Winter Clothes.” See, his love will keep off the chill….
Since the mood is so poetical, let’s party out with “Winter Dress” (code for Mother Nature & snow) from Humming House. Honky tonk pop.