Category: Childrens

Baby It’s Cold: 1951 for the kids

Well, the baby boom is well under way now, so let’s unleash the flood of terrible children’s Christmas tunes. Sure this holiday is all about the wee ones, and we sing about The Baby… but it’s also about the chart toppers. And i know everyone grew up with some strange song continually looped through those long childish nights of list making and being good which means something special to each without meaning squat to anyone else–isn’t that what Christmas really is all about?

Trying to recapture his surprise sensation from 1949 (you know, dasher and dancer and prancer ad nauseum?) Gene Autry records a reindeer math equation: “32 Feet and 8 Little Tails of White.” Hey, where’s Rudolph?

Also hoping that silly kids’ stuff will buy him a new home Tennessee Ernie Ford chimes in with “Rootin’ Tootin’ Santa Claus.” TEF’s earthy baritone services the Lord a mite better than that merry old elf. (What did you think of his last note? yikes.)

Rosemary Clooney adds to the Winter canon of slightly-scary mythical figures with “Suzy Snowflake.” It’s not really Christmas, but that’s when it got sold.

Centaur Productions begins their truly disturbing stop-motion Christmas cartoon business this year with “The Three Little Dwarves,” more of Santa’s helpers (which are so much more Disney than elves, donchaknow). If you didn’t live in Chicago you might not have seen this every year. If you did then you might enjoy the awesome parody by TV Funhouse, “Tingles, The Christmas Tension.”

Died. You’re Welcome: Western civ

A quick word from our sponsor: the hope for all humanity.

I’m sure some of you are thinking: with the crass modernization/commercialization of Christmas what about the death of all spirituality, the death of JC’s message, the death of the common good…? (You know: figurative death!?)

We got you covered, English majors everywhere.

Here on tax day we cash in all our chips and pay Caesar his due: a candied-up punk protest agin the the manufacturers and the media and The Machine with The Culture in Memoriam’s “Santa’s Song.” (Spoiler alert: someone jolly gets crucified!)

BLUE ALERT: number two (3)

The satirical backlash to cute children’s songs often results in simply more banality, even when The Toilet Bowl Cleaners (just one guy actually) endeavor to compile a complete album (Holiday Poop Puke & Pee Songs) of scatalogical gross-outs. The holidays range from Father’s Day to Thanksgiving, with special attention to Christmas.

But “I’ll Be Home Pooping for Christmas” is just musically shitting around.

And  “I Saw Mommy Wiping Santa’s Bum” is more of a sad family descent into incontinence and elder care.

I should have given Matt Farley, a novelty Spotify song cranker-outter, his own nod for number one with “Pee on the Christmas Tree” because that’s a bouncy message-laden number I can get behind… but i’ll leave you with “I Pooped on Santa’s Lap” because it has what you’d expect (with a salsa beat).

BLUE ALERT: number two (1)

Because bowel movements are taboo and Christmas is universal, those wacky boys who created South Park mashed them together for a holiday lark. South Park was originally a Christmas video of Santa fighting J.C. which went viral, or as it was known in the ’90s: was passed from VCR to VCR. Although “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo,” appears in the first season of the Comedy Central show, this theme song comes from the eponymous holiday album from 1999. (Although i’m partial to the another selection which also features the commercial for the Mr. Hanky Game.)

BLUE ALERT: flatulence (1)

March is foul weather, foul lines, and foul language. 

So, for as long as we can stand it, follow me (children excluded) to the depths of depravity, the dirty-minded ditties… next stop the Tabu Zone.

FYI: There’s so much peppermint profanity out there we’ll spend the entire month on only bathroom-related  bad words (the big F can have its own month later).

So, starting out slowly, we’ll step on a carpet frog and blame the dog: (you know) flatulence.

Certainly the standard funny here is a collection of well tuned assholes vocalizing the songs. I’ve got one or two of those albums. Ever since 1990 any boob with a Casio keyboard and some knowhow has sampled the noises of bodily functions and played those ‘notes.’ Bored now. (If you’re not, give “Silent Butt Deadly Night” a try. It’s on a Red Peters album as done by Jingle Smells. My Smelly Holidays album has it by Pull My Finger–i worry these lowbrow guys don’t get the copyright protection they need.)

I’d rather delve into the subject matter of blowing, breaking, cracking, doing, dropping, letting loose, shooting, and squeezing during the holidays. So, to open the window, here are The Little Stinkers with “I Farted on Santa’s Lap (Now Christmas is Gonna Stink for Me).” This has gone ’round the block and been covered by self-appointed humorists (for their grandkids!) all over the ‘tube. There’s even a Karaoke set up. Stick with the 2004 original.

A Month of Love: Cinderella

More Disney–it’s Everywhere!!

Ordinarily i’d find out for you who to give vocal credit to for this throwaway, forgettable piece of music… but let the Mouse have his way: It’s Cinderella her self! The singing mice here know it! I know it! You Must know it!

So, play along with “I’m Giving Love for Christmas.”

The Future: Outer Space (4)

Astronauts are our heroes. Santa is our hero. Easy to confuse them. Even today T. Graham Brown gets country swing with “Santa Claus is Coming in a UFO.” Some shredding axe there.

But back in the ’50s (where we’ve been this week), no less than Lawrence Welk’s band cashed in on the happy hopes for rocket travel. Here’s the Lennon Sisters (with some little girls helping) singing “Outer Space Santa.” Beep Beep Beep!

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The Future: Outer Space (3)

“Santa Goes Modern” also tells of that jolly old elf hippin’ up to a flying saucer to make the rounds. Originally from the American Song Poem Project, wherein budding lyricists sent in their scribbling and their dollars to a hit-making-machine, and thern underworked musicians churned out singles for the hopeful. This laughing, rambling oddity has also been covered by cult alt band Yo La Tengo. Wild, weird, wintry.

But give it up for Rod Rogers and the Librettos and the original “Santa Claus Goes Modern.” Kids! Cringe along!

The Future: Star Wars (1)

Star Wars is no longer the dim past (A Long Time Ago), but now belongs to the distant future (2017, 2019).

Let’s get the nonsense of the 1978 TV Christmas Special out of the way first. It was a cash-in by friends of friends who thought they were feeding the fanfrenzy (it introduced Boba Fett), but was disavowed by Lucas on down as horrible. All videos and music is unofficial and bootleg. Nonetheless Bea Arthur is the singing barkeep at the Mos Eisley den of thieves. Her “Goodnight but Not Goodbye” sorta set to the cantina music is the stuff of camp–hardly holiday. Carrie Fisher at the finale sings about the Wookie Christmas “Life Day” sorta set to the main Star Wars theme. Let’s move on quickly.

We need real Christmas music with a Star Wars excuse to sing. So let’s skip ahead a couple years to 1980 and the Christmas in the Stars concept album. This was a minor release by a label that made $ off the disco Star Wars theme then went out of business before they got Lucas’s blessing on this oddity. No second printing. Rhino Records resurrected  it to digital in the ’90s. (They say the cassette tape is worth big money.)

For an in-depth look at this must-have novelty Christmas album see the CBC Music article.

Most of the album is recited rhyme (sprechgesang) by Anthony Daniels trying to convince R2D2 the spirit of Christmas is cool. Standouts include “What Do You Get a Wookie for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)?” and the “Sleigh Ride” rap.

And my own favorite: “R2D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas” with vocals by the producer’s cousin Jon Bon Jovi.