A handy dandy means of communique since the 1970s (for some), the elctronic-mail didn’t quite bury the USPS but it has become the default unfiltered word vomit for our age. Whatever you think–there it is! (It’s replacement is in the works.)
More giggly silly children’s drek from some Broadway lyricist sung by 13-year-old Kara Oates (voice of Dora the Explorer), “S.A.N.T.A. Dot Com” is all show tune (piercing, man, piercing).
Even worse is the so-called precociousness of Treypac McKaughan, who at not-quite-three, squalls “I Wrote an Email to Santa Claus.” I hope he asked for ADHD treatment.
Son of Hog gets the snotty kid routine down with “I’ll Just Send an Email to Santa,” a bouncy beerhall twist of sarcasm we can all sing along to.
The future was ours in the ’80s with pagers and home videogames and… the telefacsimile. Now, like in Star Trek, messages could be beamed through wires to be recreated onto what seemed like paper for a lucky recipient miles away. Only a dollar five per page at the Kinkos to get that info to your landlord–don’t forget the cover sheet.
Some 1990s school assembly song touted this wild technology with pop dance party disco in “Fax the Facts.” It’s not your father’s letter to Santa!
Not many years later, coin operated machines played the hits as those with silver selected them. (Although the first ones may have only unlocked the machinery so you could crank it yourself.)
Andy Beck and Brian Fisher continue to churn out the elementary school assembly holiday pageants with their “Jingle Bell Jukebox,” a jazzy fast-paced showtune for very high voices.
Who’s coming to your Xmas shindig? Probably not Frankenstein.
But first, a word on who you really shouldn’t invite. Dom Powell warns you that “Satan is coming to the Christmas Party.” In appropriate light metal, the metaphor rings the bell on bad actors who don’t dig what you’re trying unironically to celebrate.
A Peter Pan Players holiday album Monster Christmas Mash (1974??) follows the Universal Classic Monsters (post Bobby Pickett mashing) as they attempt to integrate into Christianity–but learn their wanting to was all the goodness they ever needed. Or something. The album is bedeviled with silly story, but contains a kids’/Dixieland show stopper from the man-of-many-parts Frankenstein: “Nobody Ever Asked Me to a Christmas Party.” Who would Jesus host?
In the spirit of Juneteenth, the Black Power movement in the 1960s USA embarked on a holiday for the cultural values shared by those with a proud African heritage. Others can stand outside the circle and learn a little of the seven principles.
By way of introduction, a children’s chorus from Kutsal Gun intone the honorarium “O Kwanzaa.” It’s for the kids! Be ready to take notes (the song repeats because there’s so much information)!
Trying for more authenticity, Quaver Music’s “Kwanzaa Celebration” uses more drumming. Seven days, class–who wants the time off?
The African-American Mr. Rogers NGUZO SABA recites “The Kwanzaa Song” to a badass backbeat, rap with values. He’s friendly, but morally authoritative. Heed to his Herbie Hancock backdrop.
Without the holidays you might never wad the kidlings into the SUV and trek all the way over to the ‘rents. It’s so much work to see ’em get older and more clueless; it’s so draining to put up with their expectations and judgments.
So here’s to the family! Love/hate ’em! And then turn into ’em!
Each day of this month we’ll listen to songs that thrive in the lap of mommy & daddy and then pit them against songs that howl about the dysmerogenetic dysfunctional dementia from the descendants. Winner takes all for 24hrs.
The Dropkick Murphys have already blessed us with “The Season’s Upon Us.” The unkind kin are trotted out celtic punk-style like unwashed laundry flags. Oi.
Buttered corn from 1959 serves up Dennis Day fresh from The Jack Benny Show warbling “Christmas is For the Family.” More listing, almost all the way over, but this time about the fun activities that bring big, fat smiles to all.
Deadly serious, the winner is the cover of that same cheese by The Christmas Crickets, released the same year, but rereleased–now with irony–in 2011. Ladies and generalists, i give you “Christmas is For the Family” insect infestation.
Many holiday songs that promote chuckles poke childish greed with a stick. A few are retweetable, but not just about the one thing you want.
For example, Gordy Pratt unpacks the problems with making your wishes clear to S.C. in “Clause.n.pole.com,” a childish bit o’ toffee.
The importance of the Xmas list is underlined by King Lou Fernandez (Something Awful) in “Secret Santa Jambawamba.” This bossa nova rap is experimental dream jazz (bowling alley, golf links sfx) that may scare you to the pen and paper.
Then there’s just “Gimme Christmas,” the punk-lite extravagance of MxPx. A planet, hey!
Existential angst plagues Jay Brannan with a supercool alt exploration of the meaning of the holiday with “Dear Santa.” He wants nothing (more than just to believe). Don’t forsake him, Big Guy!
Different landscapes, different lists. Sean Morey gets third world vs. suburbia (for The Bob & Tom Show) with “Dear Santa.” It’s funny ‘cuz it’s so tragic–and bluegrass.
The usual list reads YOU, BABY. Creeping out the concept, Shark Uppercut continues the experimental collection with “Christmas Presence.” The uncanny valley of romantic thought.
The usual comedy list reads “Cash Cash Cash,” as in the jumpin’ folk tune from Heywood Banks. Now that’s a funny guy.
And… drugs! lil aaron is on bended knee cuz’ he (feat. Goody Grace) says “All I Need” is a bag of weed. And a friend. And backup. Needy elctro rap.
‘Course the other funny routine is to ask for CHRISTMAS TO STOP! “Dwarven Dirge” from Piedmont Songbag is a curmudgeons’ lament that this noisy time of year is back. And ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO SHUT UP. For “All I Really Need” for Xmas for them, refer to the beer section… then some other odd stuff.
And then there’s the disappointment espoused by The Roundheads in their pop rock “All I Got for Christmas was a Brick.” What exactly did you ASK for? That magic trick kit?
The traditional straight-up letter to Santa comes unironically from Brian Kinder. “Dear Santa” is the children song of cowboy hopes and dreams. (Socks, no; guitar, yes.) Play along, kids. It’s fun
Ahh, the 1950s, ostensibly the birth of novelty Christmas music (not counting Yogi Yorgesson or Spike Jones or… hmm, maybe the 1940s were the birthplace of novelty Christmas music. I must investigate further).
1959: Spike Jones is still trying it with “I Want the South to Win the War for Christmas” (feat. Phil Phillips and The Rebels). This isn’t quite as offensive as it coulda been. Swingin’ big band coolness.
1959: Clifford Charles Arquette plays the rustic fool as Charley Weaver with “Christmas in Mt. Idy,” an entry in pre-Woebegone countrified comedy. Chatty.
1959: Yay ’59! “When Santa Comes over the Brooklyn Bridge” is the wailing funky jazz blues doo wop, in other words, rock’n’roll. Jimmy Allen & Tommy Bartella don’t exactly nail it, but they try it on for size.
1957: The sort of novelty that you may be nostalgic for (widdle kiddie voices)! Kenny Bowers (w/Jimmy Carroll and His Orchestra) clown around as the feisty kid and the cornered Claus in “Weach for the Wafter, Santa.” Kids are just like us, but dumber and overdramatic!
1954: You thought blockbuster movies owned sequelitis! Eartha Kitt follows up ‘Santa Baby’ with “This Year’s Santa Baby.” Last year’s presents are SO last year. You can do better…. purr purr.
1953: I scored some of these from a 1980 Dr. Demento show recording someone posted, including this truly racist Harry Stewart (as the ah-so Asian stereotype Harry Kari) bit “The Night Before Christmas.” There’s your ’50s golden age for you.
Pete the Elf turned me on to Barry Gordon’s 1956 attempt to recapture lightning in a bottle like with the previous year’s ‘Nuttin’ for Christmas’ in “I Like Christmas.” OMG, does this kid LIKE Christmas. Bouncy band kid pop.
Animation and swearing, it’s like chocolate and tuna fish! They shouldn’t go together, but somehow–
‘Nightmare Before Christmas’ is the easy target here, ‘cuz it’s a musical (duh) and also weirdos like it.
Gamma Secretase plays “Fuck This” as a Madlibs, poking in the swear word for some other word as often as possible. Your laughter levels will tell you how high you are at the moment.
Shorter and more clever (though with direct drug references) is Lord Jazor’s “The F*ck is This?” Yeah, i know, it’s a Christmas movie, not really a Christmas song. Still like it.
