Category: Caroldies (parodies of carols)

Worse than coal, worse than punishment, worse than being singled out for negative reinforcement at Christmas… complete indifference. It’s like that Ally Sheedy line in The Breakfast Club: ‘They ignore me.’

When you don’t get ANY presents for Xmas, well–what? You just don’t know. Calendar’s wrong. Someone forgot. Address mix-up. Or, maybe you were just that bad.

“Nuttin’ for Christmas” is the 1955 chart toppin’ complaint about disapproval by omission. About half a dozen versions vied for position. You either know Art Mooney and His Orchestra (feat. Barry Gordon) from the tin hat wah wah brass, or Stan Freberg (with Daws Butler and the Billy Mays Orchestra) from the ‘join me in the chorus okay’ comic burglar bit. (We won’t worry about the others–well, maybe the it-sounds-like-the-chipmunks verzh by Kenny and Corky a la ’59.)

To make novel this old school novelty, let’s consider the washboard country of Sugarland (yee to the haw), the a cappella of Voice Male (updated lyrics: ‘spilled some oil in the Gulf’!), the pop punk of Plain White T’s (hyper meh), which i guess is the doorway to the heavy metal of the stable band from Regimental Records (no real surprises here), the funky gnarly blues of Scarlet Tree (à propos but surprisingly uplifting).

On the way to parody let’s also consider maestro Robert Lund’s “Nuttin’ But Spam” (not really Chrsitmas). Hey Co! has a delightful Prisoner Parody behind the karaoke of the Art Mooney music. Unlawful naughtiness fits, yeah it does.

Plenty of red neck turns on Christmas songs. So many so, they blur over into the wild west just a bit.

Give Charley Green a couple minutes to shaggy dog the room, then “Rufus the Red-Nosed Cowboy” is almost charming. He tortures his rhymes with a thesaurus. Fastforward as you can.

More traditionally (somewhere) comes “Randolph the Bow Legged Cowboy.” There are dozens of amateurs sharing this with us. I like this rumpus room full of ten-year-olds. They hold the tune more than Bart Simpson ever could.

Out of left field (L.A.) come The Twang with the magnifico “Yuletrain,” a take on the ’49 Frankie Laine hit (‘Mule Train’). Thanks to Pete the elf for sharing that.

“Jolly Old Saint Nicholas (Please Come to Our Barn)” is a rushed, witty playful ditty from Aspen Black, as if she were your third grade teacher learning you some humor.

Professionally The Bellamy Brothers josh with “Jingle Bells (A Cowboy’s Holiday).” For the kids.

Wavy Noah and Uspa G try to impress Mr. McCarthy with their “Newtonmas” carol, which is solid rap with ‘Rudolph’ for a (near) backbeat. Personable and enlightening, for street nerds.

A ’12 Days’ routine from Jessica Picanzo and Sarah Butler allows for all the advanced info. “12 Days of Newtonmas” is chill, for girl physicists.

A.cute.Ang.le (is the name actually Ang Le?) delivers a fairly talented parody of ‘White’ with “White Newton(mas).” Academics can be fun(damental).

Continuing to keep extra credit alive, AP kids like Marly Dure do their singing best with “Newtonmas” carols. Mostly they crack themselves up.

The kids of 117B have an earnest ‘God Rest Ye’ parody for “Newtonmas Caroling.” Clever by c.

Parodies pale on the topic of simultaneity of yule and yer own beeday.

The Radio Ate My TV has “We Wish You a Merry Christmas Happy Birthday Mashup” with The Muppets, Jackie Vernon’s Frosty the Snowman, John Denver, and more all stitched together to chilling effect.

And here’s a near miss, “We Wish You A Merry Christmas And A Happy Birthday (For Kelly And Paul)” by Kendra Masonchuck. Yeah it’s for twins, tweaking ‘Wish You’ only slightly. It’s Steamroller symphonic big, though, so that’s fun.

Momentary reprieve from the judicial juggernaut arrives just in time for Xmas. Mind your Ps and Qs, however, ‘cuz more ‘n Santy is watching.

Crazy Al Cayne talks and raps a ‘JBells’ parody with “Out on Bail.” It’s almost too good to be true for a drug runner.

Plead temporary merriment! Wanting to kill someone shouldn’t be so bad for that time of the year. But, after all, Santa is watching….

“Frosty is the Devil” and announces how bad he wants you dead, according to the metal of Santa’s Angry Elves.

The Hatchet Family want to BLUE ALERT “Kill Santa Man.” Rap premeditation. Unnastand?

Princess Rizu cosplays videogame antics with the parody “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Murder.” The quickest way to a man’s heart is through the chest wall with a sharp knife.

I’ve dipped into Xmas drug snuff plenty before. But there’s always room for one more narcotics-related seasonal song.

A ‘Little Drummer Boy’ harmony parody (a la Bing/Bowie) funs up the crack problem. “Little Robbie Boy” by Spiffster is impressive in its awfulness.

Street troubadour Billy Basturd caroldy-es his “Drug Cartel Christmas” to ‘Jingle Bells,’ yet he’s riffing at warp speed. So i enjoyed parts of it.

Criag Newmark’s San Francisco want ads website went nuts before the millennium and Craigslist gave Ebay a run for their junk.

“Do You See What I See (On Craigslist)?” is writen and performed by Carrie Stoller, but it’s out of her range. Still, fun, and a strange inner look at her searches (eccentric much?).