Ghost of Christmas Pastiche: Bach/Mozart

While delving into my fave-aroo phylum of novelty carol (the straight up parody of pop music into holiday humor) ANOTHER extra-nerdy subgenre presented itself: the traditional carol ‘in the style of’ someone famous. Please don’t misunderstand, i know nearly anyone can sing an old Xmas song in the strangled vocal impressions of Arnold, or Gollum, or Yoko Ono et al. But that’s not terribly funny. In fact it’s schtick best consumed impaired. What i’m getting at here is the masterful homage to an iconic style of music, a real treat that blends and bends, fuses and abuses the senses into an elevated state of yule-ocity.

(Honestly, this is a super weird sub-sub-genre and i’m not gonna find much… i’m going to pad out this month with actual parodies, cuz: LUVVUM! So enjoy these few and tip me to more, pls.)

Try this on:

A couple forward-thinking chamber orchestras (at least) have performed What If Baroque Masters composed those seasonal standards we hear annually.

Kjell Magne Robak kills it with”What If Bach Wrote ‘Last Christmas’?” (with a little help from Mozart). Points for acting it out.

Nicolaus Esterhazy Sinfonia play the Caribbean spiritual “The Virign Mary Had a Baby Boy” like Handel (or something… i don’t get the nuances of the 17th – 18th Centuries). Points for oddness.

The Northern Lights Orchestra have a nice album with entitled What if Mozart wrote “White Christmas“? with “Let it Snow,” and–wait for it–“The Chipmunk Song.” This might be better than you think it is.

The mashup dearest to my heart (had it for twenty years) is The Hampton String Quartet’s “Frosty the Snowman” if Mozart had written it. Although, “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” ain’t too bad.

Behold a “Star”: “Jor-El”

Perhaps the greatest icons in our culture take their cue from Christianity. You get how Superman is Christlike and all, right. Perfect for a Merry Christmas song, no?

Michelle Osorio has it boiled down to Ted Talk precision with her “Jor-El: Superman Christmas Carol.” Listen and learn, culture-philes. This is educational, amusing, and pretty.

Behold a “Star”: Stars “Wars” et “Trek”

The debate over who’s more popular–the character you play or the actor you are–has become passe. Richard Dean Anderson is McGyver to some and Col. Jack O’Neill to others, but who cares who cares who this soap opera star is at home? Come on! (Not that I have Xmas wishes sung to either of those characters… next year, Santa, please?!)

So some stars are fictive, like Sherlock Holmes or Ronald McDonald or Garfield the cat. They occupy a massive swath of the constellations in our culture and we need to recognize the Christmas tributes in music just for them.

The obvi kickoff here is the TV universe of Star Trek and the movie universe of Star Wars. Yes, i know they are multimedia, but let’s face it: the big difference between them and their fans is the down home box in the front room vs. going out into the dark world with strangers. Since i don’t take sides they appear together today.

Sasha sings Tai Shindehai’s “Santa Vader” in pretty good English, but this is the French take on the whole Star Wars mythos. Anywho, Vader is compared to a workaday Santa and seems somehow sexier because, i guess, he might kill Jar Jar for that little girl for Christmas.

The 800 pound gorilla in this cateogory is the Bon Jovi “R2D2, We Wish You a Merry Christmas” from the unsanctioned 1980 album Christmas in the Stars. Both of these have been posted earlier by me.

Internet/cable host Richard William Wheaton III is famous for playing the ingenue on Star Trek: The Next Generation. He has never grown out of his smug pinched expression, however, so now resides comfortably as an expletive on The Big Bang Theory. Chelsea P Manders has an electronic girlish fantasy dedicated to him in her “Will Wheaton’s Christmas Dance Mix.” So there’s that.

Zoe Yadira Saldaña Nazario has been in several Billions of Dollars of movies (Pirates franchise, Star Trek franchise, Marvel universe, ‘Avatar’–others). Not bad for a ballet dancer from New Jersey (whose looks could kill). Her fan base is not balanced: “All I Want for Christmas is Zoe Saldana” is a rap adulation from Gerald Walker (mostly appearing here as a teaser to get you to download his work). I’m not sure if he’s smitten as a kitten or just riding the coattails of name recognition to get you to notice his song.

But now I’d like to mention (again) the odd Christmas album from Christian Rick Moyer: Merry Trekmas. This guy pulled out all the stops tricking up carols for the Federation. Please enjoy “Benji the Spaceman” in which our fave black Cap. Benjamin Sisko competes against STTNG with DS9 running what seem to be Middle Eastern jihadists against each other with peacekeeping metaphors.

Since STTNG ran longer and harder, let’s leave on “Jean Luc, the Bald Head Captain” also by Moyer but featuring the suavest, classiest, most classically trained Cap. of all who showed us how to lead without punching so much. Dreamy….

Behold a Star: Chuck Norris

Carlos Ray Norris was a foil in Bruce Lee movies and a TV star cop. Then he published the-right-way-to-live tracts and campaigned for Republicans. His tough guy rep rivaled Charlton Heston’s when memes became a thing and his invincibility was outed.

boshi1996 plays on The Countdown Kids’ ‘Santa Coming’ with “Chuck Norris is Coming to Town.” With Chuck Norris, the less said the better.

Smashy Claw hope to win over the clubbers sober enough to get the irony in their rock version of “Chuck Norris is Coming to Town.” I think they’re the warm up.

Gary Arnold rewrites the lyrics with his “Chuck Norris is coming to Town.” Even made himself up to resemble the guy. Commitment!

Behold a Star: Justin Bieber

Justin Drew Bieber went platinum when he was 15. That’s the power of youtube, bitches. Which also unleashed the trolls. Justin’s had several world records, including most ‘Hated” video of all time. His style pusher Usher may get the blame for his streetwise wannabe missteps, but he’s just a boy in a ‘Truman Show’ world of microscopic focus. And he can sing pretty well, which doesn’t get the attention any more.

Brittani Taylor has an appropriately awkward fan song “JUSTIN BIEBER CHRISTMAS!” based on ‘Hippopotamus.’ I kinda like it

Behold a Star: Lady Gaga (Adam Sandler)/Josh Groban

Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta as Lady Gaga has dropped five whole albums in less than 10 years but has broken world records and become a part of the cultural lexicon for her, how do you say?–boldness.

René Marcellus and Christina Hondromihalis have a parody of Lady Gaga that’s not so straight up. In 2010 they posted a Hannukah song to her (and Adam Sandler–they have a Funny or Die routine begging him to put them in a movie). This is not only a pastiche to her music, it is a tribute and–oh, i guess she’s not Jewish.

Since we’re recycling some of my previous discoveries, take note of Joshua Winslow Groban, a Californian high schooler who filled in for Andrea Bocelli at the Grammies and rocketed to fame. Fortunately it did not make him into an enormous dick: he’s into dozens of philanthropic endeavors even though he’s gone multiplatinum pretty much every recording.

13 Hands (a holistic New Jersey healing and comedy enclave) has a yummy ‘Holy Night’ tribute for Mr. Groban that makes me think i can fill a whole month with Christmas songs that simps repeat one phrase over and over (ahh–my funny bone… it tingles!). Pleas enjoy “Josh Grow Bean.”

Behold a Star: Janet Jackson

Janet Damita Jo Jackson was the youngest of daddy Joe’s musical flea circus. She brought her name recognition to a masterfully branded musical/pornographic career from the beginning of the ’90s to today. As a result she’s controversial to a fault: is her high point ‘Poetic Justice’ or her Virgin Records dolla-dolla deal? Is her low point the FCC halftime 1/2 a million fine or ‘The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps’? I guess there’s some songs in there as well….

Rabid fan Mike Freeland has a couple amateur song parody wishes: “Christmas Song to Janet Jackson 2012 pt.1” and “Christmas Song to Janet Jackson 2012 pt.2.” (Also “Janet Baby“–not as good! “This Christmas“–plays to his weaknesses as a singer! “Janet, Won’t You Call Me Tonight“–he gets insistent! “I Hope Janet Will Give Me a Call“–he’s starting to crack! “O Janet, Please“–he’s begging! “12 Days to Janet“–skip it!) Stalker creepy? Hell to the yeah!!

Behold a Star: Spice Girls

Girl power in the ’90s resulted in overhyped bands like The Spice Girls: Melanie Brown (“Scary Spice”), Melanie Chisholm (“Sporty Spice”), Emma Bunton (“Baby Spice”), Geri Halliwell (“Ginger Spice”), and Victoria Beckham, née Adams (“Posh Spice”). Their pop music was danceable fluff; their fun-fueled lifestyle was the role model for fan-forward female empowerment.

Which threatened the boys and resulted in cornball gutter comedy like Z100’s “Spice Girls Got Knocked Up by a Reindeer.” The cleaned up version by the same PDX radio station was “Spice Girls Got Run Over by a Reindeer.” Don’t compare.

[Is it okay to include “New Kids Got Run Over by a Reindeer” in the same breath?]

Behold a Star: Ozzy Osbourne

Now it devolves into comedic parody.

John Michael Osbourne fronted Black Sabbath through the ’70s, soloed in the ’80s, and with a little help from savvy spouse Sharon branded in the ’90s. He is a punchline for his mush mouthed mumbling, an icon for his fearless geeking onstage, and a Hall of Famer for what his presence did to metal.

So of course Bob Rivers gots to has some of dat. “Have Yourself an Ozzy Little Christmas” is straight-faced and sweet as blood orange pudding.