Category: Caroldies (parodies of carols)

Behold a Star: Chuck Norris

Carlos Ray Norris was a foil in Bruce Lee movies and a TV star cop. Then he published the-right-way-to-live tracts and campaigned for Republicans. His tough guy rep rivaled Charlton Heston’s when memes became a thing and his invincibility was outed.

boshi1996 plays on The Countdown Kids’ ‘Santa Coming’ with “Chuck Norris is Coming to Town.” With Chuck Norris, the less said the better.

Smashy Claw hope to win over the clubbers sober enough to get the irony in their rock version of “Chuck Norris is Coming to Town.” I think they’re the warm up.

Gary Arnold rewrites the lyrics with his “Chuck Norris is coming to Town.” Even made himself up to resemble the guy. Commitment!

Behold a Star: Justin Bieber

Justin Drew Bieber went platinum when he was 15. That’s the power of youtube, bitches. Which also unleashed the trolls. Justin’s had several world records, including most ‘Hated” video of all time. His style pusher Usher may get the blame for his streetwise wannabe missteps, but he’s just a boy in a ‘Truman Show’ world of microscopic focus. And he can sing pretty well, which doesn’t get the attention any more.

Brittani Taylor has an appropriately awkward fan song “JUSTIN BIEBER CHRISTMAS!” based on ‘Hippopotamus.’ I kinda like it

Behold a Star: Lady Gaga (Adam Sandler)/Josh Groban

Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta as Lady Gaga has dropped five whole albums in less than 10 years but has broken world records and become a part of the cultural lexicon for her, how do you say?–boldness.

René Marcellus and Christina Hondromihalis have a parody of Lady Gaga that’s not so straight up. In 2010 they posted a Hannukah song to her (and Adam Sandler–they have a Funny or Die routine begging him to put them in a movie). This is not only a pastiche to her music, it is a tribute and–oh, i guess she’s not Jewish.

Since we’re recycling some of my previous discoveries, take note of Joshua Winslow Groban, a Californian high schooler who filled in for Andrea Bocelli at the Grammies and rocketed to fame. Fortunately it did not make him into an enormous dick: he’s into dozens of philanthropic endeavors even though he’s gone multiplatinum pretty much every recording.

13 Hands (a holistic New Jersey healing and comedy enclave) has a yummy ‘Holy Night’ tribute for Mr. Groban that makes me think i can fill a whole month with Christmas songs that simps repeat one phrase over and over (ahh–my funny bone… it tingles!). Pleas enjoy “Josh Grow Bean.”

Behold a Star: Janet Jackson

Janet Damita Jo Jackson was the youngest of daddy Joe’s musical flea circus. She brought her name recognition to a masterfully branded musical/pornographic career from the beginning of the ’90s to today. As a result she’s controversial to a fault: is her high point ‘Poetic Justice’ or her Virgin Records dolla-dolla deal? Is her low point the FCC halftime 1/2 a million fine or ‘The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps’? I guess there’s some songs in there as well….

Rabid fan Mike Freeland has a couple amateur song parody wishes: “Christmas Song to Janet Jackson 2012 pt.1” and “Christmas Song to Janet Jackson 2012 pt.2.” (Also “Janet Baby“–not as good! “This Christmas“–plays to his weaknesses as a singer! “Janet, Won’t You Call Me Tonight“–he gets insistent! “I Hope Janet Will Give Me a Call“–he’s starting to crack! “O Janet, Please“–he’s begging! “12 Days to Janet“–skip it!) Stalker creepy? Hell to the yeah!!

Behold a Star: Spice Girls

Girl power in the ’90s resulted in overhyped bands like The Spice Girls: Melanie Brown (“Scary Spice”), Melanie Chisholm (“Sporty Spice”), Emma Bunton (“Baby Spice”), Geri Halliwell (“Ginger Spice”), and Victoria Beckham, née Adams (“Posh Spice”). Their pop music was danceable fluff; their fun-fueled lifestyle was the role model for fan-forward female empowerment.

Which threatened the boys and resulted in cornball gutter comedy like Z100’s “Spice Girls Got Knocked Up by a Reindeer.” The cleaned up version by the same PDX radio station was “Spice Girls Got Run Over by a Reindeer.” Don’t compare.

[Is it okay to include “New Kids Got Run Over by a Reindeer” in the same breath?]

Behold a Star: Ozzy Osbourne

Now it devolves into comedic parody.

John Michael Osbourne fronted Black Sabbath through the ’70s, soloed in the ’80s, and with a little help from savvy spouse Sharon branded in the ’90s. He is a punchline for his mush mouthed mumbling, an icon for his fearless geeking onstage, and a Hall of Famer for what his presence did to metal.

So of course Bob Rivers gots to has some of dat. “Have Yourself an Ozzy Little Christmas” is straight-faced and sweet as blood orange pudding.

Tripping Bells: Rock

Crack and crackhead-ery are a state of being as much as a physical/psychological condition.

Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits present “Spending Christmas on Crack” as a medley of horrifyingly humorous Christmas parodies enthemed with the tragedy of human suffering. Not so much with the actual drugs. So there.

Now don’t remember, kids’ songs and human despair are a comic contrast that can’t miss. “Frosty the Crackhead” is a labor of love from Charlie Price (it seems to go on well past its point). Sores on his face? Tell me more for two more minutes! “Frosty the Dope Man” from Keith from up da Block is slightly less successful. But the karaoke soundtrack is sprightly. JoeyCast has a bit more BLUE fun. Knock Out ups the beat (also BLUE).

Karl Bingle borrows from ‘So They Say’ with “Crackhead Christmas,” setting the scene for an unholy night with pretty strumming.

Tripping Bells: Hemp

Catch your breath, and we’ll spin a couple more silly songs sneaking weed into carols.

A 2015 take on ‘Let It Snow’ begs for legalization in “Let Us Toke.” Please stop and rewind at two minutes in, or bear the foolishness of WeedPornDaily playing around.

An unnamed jolly vocalist revels in “Frosty the Dopeman.” Dig that dixieland!

Stoner Stan breathily gasps through “Pack the Bowls” more for himself than us.

‘Cybersue’ Susan McCord also has little song and lots of extra footage making “Jingle Bell Rock-Marijuana Christmas Song” giggly.

My fave-o weed Xmas parody redeems Bob Rivers’s street cred with “Be Clause I Got High.” Fun times off Afroman’s high times.

Tripping Bells: Reefer

Some of the Christmas weed songs are basic silly parodies. Because stoners like/are/get silly.

Afroman raps his parodies barely keeping a straight face, especially with “O Chronic Tree.” Hoo brother.

Jimmy Hamms cranks out the mockery in Degenerate Christmas Carols Vol. 3 (i guess) with another take: “Oh Shitty Weed.” (Barely Blue.) Yawn.

Blunt has taken the time to Reggae up ‘Rocking Around’ with “Smoking’ up the Christmas Tree.” Not a bad Cheech and Chong backup.

Jenna C. Johnson is cast in a fantasy montage as the evil-bong bearer flipping quickly through nearly a dozen cutesier-pie cut-ups on Christmas carols you already know, but with a cant toward cannabis. “I’ll be High for Christmas” is lively, but only as funny as it needs to be.

Smarter, but less parodic, “Little Dealer Boy” by Willie Nelson (from The Colbert Report) posits the parable of homegrown presents to the Baby J. This one’s a keeper.