Women want Santa, men want Santa, all God’s self-identifiers want Santa.
Like with Garlic Junior who twirls the pop diva curlies singing “I Want Santa to Fuck Me.” Those hormones are helping you hit the high notes!
Category: BLUE MATERIAL
Coal in Your Stocking (BLUE ALERT)
Santa Claus is such a strong symbol that he seduces all of us. Boys, too.
Einar Mathias Egenes’s “Super Sexy Santa Claus” is a flamboyant, heavily made-up electronic dancing queen.
Kiki (also Continental, reference that spanking rod bit) get all anticipatory for their “Sexy Santa.” Pop bounciness, with a catty swipe at the Mrs.
Jack and Tyler get wry and rocking for “Sexy Santa Claus.” Straight-faced, but not straight.
Coming Down the Chimney (BLUE ALERT)
While we are on the subject of the Clauses, what about Nick?
Back to SNL for Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Kristin Wiig to get dreamy about how “Santa’s My Boyfriend.” Retro ’50s rock’n’roll innuendo.
Karen Petrocella also torches with “Santa Guy.” This is not a ‘Baby’ takeoff, but a jazzy love song (barely PG-13, but steamy).
Steel Panther glam metals “Sexy Santa” just right for all the girls and boys. You’d swear it was the ’90s.
Soul steals the show with The Louisiana Blues Brothers and how they heard “Santa was a Freak Like Me.” He’s on the prowl for the naughty.
Almost convincingly straight Dejan Milićević as LAZZ presents himself as “Sexy Santa Claus” with limp MOR rock and a lispy accent.
The Theme Song has an awesome collection of one-minute bust ups over whatever the beef of the moment is. Nasty time for Santa with this playful rap “Merry Motherfucking Christmas.”
“Naughty or Nice” is the moaning pop guzzle we’d expect from Francine the Queen of Obscene. Very, very naughty.
The Mulaney Sisters raise the roof to thank the Netflix ’18 flick ‘The Christmas Chronicles’ with their “Sexy Kurt Russell.” That ‘Christmas leather daddy’ is the present they want. (To ‘bone,’ not open.)
Naughty Not Nice (BLUE ALERT)
From the feminine viewpoint, sex can be measured in disappointment. And no better example is that of underrated Mrs. Claus. Does she even have a name? (Well, but, how many?!)
SNL’s Aidy Bryant showcases a “Please Skip Christmas” song about her neglectedness. Nice try.
Brazzers (uh oh) presents “A Lonely Milf at Christmas,” a not-so-blue jazz number with an extended intro and overlong outro and middling talent (Kagney Linn Carter).
With even less quality, but more depravity comes Rico Loco and “A Booty Call for Mrs. Claus.” Country Western porn.
I believe we’ve basked in the superior parody of Bob Rivers’s “Me and Mrs. Claus.” Giggle giggle.
Tau is into “Ms. Claus” and goes electropop to raise your eyebrows. Re-owr.
Licking the Envelopes (BLUE ALERT)
Flip the script, it’s girls’ night at the novelty Christmas music chorale. Now, we’re woke enuf to know most of the songs about women are about men’s fantasies and are at times insulting, and at others criminal. But we’re here to shit all over everything any way…
Instructive male psyche goes into the little boy who wishes to Santa for a “Vagina for Christmas.” He’ll take care of it just like it were a hippopotamus.
Supposedly uncomfortable boardmen are mind altered by Andy Smushkin’s folk soft rock video “Christmas Cunnilingus.” It’s National Lampoon approved. Killer psychedelic guitar solo.
High Mojo (BLUE ALERT)
Other significant contributors to the sexualization of Christmas carols include the gonzo pyschobillyist Mojo Nixon. Neil Kirby McMillan Jr may be retired now, but he has left a legacy of ’80s frat boy scream-alongs that echo today with the the truth of sexual imperative.
With The Toadliquors 1992 Mojo gave unto us Horny Holidays! an album of blue material including “It’s Christmas Time” where the blues bust loose in a cry for lovin’ that is found under the belt area.
The cover of Jimmy Butler’s “Trim Your Tree” maintains the strain on the buttoned-up pants.
Horny Claus is a prime actor in “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.” This rambles, shambles, and doublebacks. Man, that’s the nastiest!
Shaking Presents (BLUE ALERT)
What’s a guy going to do with a penis around Christmas? Well, if he can’t give it away, he might just gift himself.
On the one hand, Ross Everett claims “No One Jerks off on Christmas.” A lively folk carol.
On the other hand, Ivor Biggun asks Santa to “Give Us a Wank for Christmas.” It’s give and get for this Brit jazzy pop bit.
MacLean and MacLean choral chant “Merry Christmas Handjob” about as matter of fact as you can get. Give those boys a handtowel.
Little Elf Wish (BLUE ALERT)
Has a penis ever been a present?
Perhaps you’ll remember ’06 with Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg and a little ditty they called “D*** in a Box.” The Holiday version.
Has a penis ever written a letter to Santa?
Just so happens i came across Buck Hujabre singing Angela Chan’s “Sad Penis Christmas.” No real Alert needed here, it’s loads of innuendo (see what i did there?)… but it’s a real show stopper. And yes, the penis wants love for Xmas.
Putting up the Tree (BLUE ALERT)
Now that we’ve brought up the penis, what shall we sing about for the holidays?
Dr. Danny Roadkill is aroused to sing about his “Christmas Boner” in a soft ukulele folk sort of way. Amateurish marvel, but not very long.
Euphemism alert: Evulva has a stumpy alt bit (supposedly Christmas-ified here) labeled “Erect My Heart.” Not foolin’ anybody, boy. Especially with that last line–gasp!
How about the near miss? Lil Mikey warbles how “She Gave Me Blue Balls for Christmas.” Bluesy (natch) rock. Awww.
Nerf Herder garage rocks “I’ve got a Boner for Christmas.” No hurry to put that away, and seems to be enjoying expressing himself.
Extra Ribbon (BLUE ALERT)
Some consideration of the primary sexual characteristics, before we smash ’em up for Christmas.
Starting with the crown jewels, then. You do know someone is gonna write a song or twenty about penises and Baby J’s birthday–don’t you?
Parodies of traditional carols muddied up with explicit content is a whole category. You’ll have to wait for that tedium… But ‘White’ gets a howlingly bad under-aged nympho cat screech with “Wide Penis” from Kwixotica. (Her channel also includes caroldies about pissing, shitting, and vomiting all over herself from partying too much.) George Takei is no better at this.
To redeem myself in your eyes, i submit Matt Mulholland’s “O Holy Night.” He conjured this song idea when he was thirteen and… well, please click on the link and be amazed. (His non-December related follow-up is worth the notice.)
Actually better than that, The Vandals bring unto us an original jolly pop folk number “Christmas Time for My Penis.” It’s melodic, sweet, and corny (not like a real penis at all).