Did someone say Christmas sandwich? No? How about a Xmas taco?!
Tyler Conroy and his comical AcaTaco Bell car-load of friends serenades drive-thrus with his home-grown hits like the “Original Taco Bell Christmas Song” with such youthful self-amusement you may become impatient with his benign, cheerful prankishness. Or you could laugh along.
David P. Ford works hard at “Christmas Taco” as if it were a gift for a little girl. (It was.) The accented singing is a bit cringe-inducing, but it hits all the song basics.
Hot Dad has more fun with “A Taco Bell Christmas” while producing an actual song. Granted it’s more commercial than celebration of the holiday, but it’s catchy as any jingle. (The following year he added electronica for his cool ranch re-mex. Yeah, I like that one.)
For those of you easily bored, bread becomes a vehicle for meat and cheese delivery, a la the sandwich. Christmas sandwiches may not have much of a following… yet.
The Chris Gethard Show has celebrated ‘Sandwich Night’ for many years, and even goes so far as to compare it to the Yuletide. BLUE ALERT their “F*@k Christmas, I Wish It was Sandwich Night” is bellicose, but uses condiments. It’s a bit like ADHD filk singing.
Angry head banging from Metal Lunch celebrating in their own “Christmas Sandwich” way. It chokes me out.
A bit off topic, The Beacon Baptist Bahamanians mounted a holiday musical A Peanut Butter Christmas, featuring wishful Christmas targets like “A Peanut Butter Sandwich.” Kid fun–happy and in tune. Kudos.
Christopher Dennis is a bit more reverent with “The Christmas Sandwich Song,” a tale of the old world and this family’s labor of love. My, that’s tasty balladeering!
We tend to fill up with simple starches earlier in the day. (One of my beefs is that breakfast is usually flour or egg-related, it’s so limiting! Find me a restaurant that plates up cold pizza for breakfast and i’m there!) We’re not talking stollen or yulekage, friends, this is the staff of life, ‘kay?
Bread, naturement, is a metaphor for the Christ-baby (he will rise again). Chris Brunelle intones Bernadette Farrell’s “Bread of Life” in an empty church, making it less holy and more rehearsally.
Annie Moses Band sings more mournfully yet professionally with “Bethlehem, House of Bread.” It’s an angelic epic, but not actually bready.
Can’t find any bread in “Christmas Biscuits” by Mark Geary with Glen Hansard (he of the ‘Once’ motion picture academy award song) either. Just a reminder of peace and love.
John Wright gets creepy with his impression of a five-year-old in “Bread for Christmas.” His falsetto does the Birtha Da Blessed no favors here. I can’t tell if this is a cruel children’s sermon, or misguided ministry for the feeble. But i can’t stop listening.
The Oyl Miller Band of Portland OR have taken bread to a whole ‘nother symbolic level with “Happy Christmas Bread.” It seems to be some kind of odd family tradition here. The boys are in fine form and sing from the diaphragm, so God help them.
John Joyce is a self starter kid-rocker stylized as Poochamungas. His children’s music is simple guitar banging, but his songs are young-alt-rock. Try on “Santa’s Eating Pancakes.”
Waffle House takes the hot-cake when it comes to holiday hosting. Apparently their jukeboxes in some parts of the country features original Waffle House songs by ardent artistic regulars. So excuse the 12 Days bit (hate those) with “The Waffle House Twelve Days of Christmas” by Bill ‘the King’ Hoger. Even worse is another 12 Days “A Waffle House Christmas.” (At least they’re obvious enough to sub French toast for French hens.)
See, what we hope to have girded our gut for smells more like David A. Stephens with “Christmas at the Waffle House.” Banjo fun and melodic gutpunchery. Yeehaw.
Down home and honky tonking Hilton Walters belts out “Another Waffle House Christmas” like a troubled woman from the ‘Sixties spelling out female woes country style to the befuddled masses. Sling that hash, swing that smash.
Wake up Christmas, whaddya eat? Who cares–let’s have presents!
No, now, you know the rules, first a nutritious yet merry breakfast….
Ohh—-kay.
Nathan Puts is quite pleased with himself for his seven seconds of comedy in “Christmas Breakfast Song Ideas.” Okay fine bye.
Xmas morning eats are so underplayed, however, some of us crave breakfast when it’s all over. Merrym’n dolefully shake up the traditions with “I Want Oatcakes for My Christmas Dinner.” ‘Course that may be only because they’re Brits, and the only decent meal in the UK (the only meal not boiled) would be breakfast. A lugubrious rock ballad.
When you don’t have breakfast before presents, the repercussions may be dire. “Breakfast with Santa” by Fortress of Attitude foretells the cautionary tale of trouble by which may we all profit. I know it’s talky, but it’s worth it.
Man waiting for Xmas cannot live on sweets alone. Songs about the other food groups have peppered the media for years. So lets follow the bountiful ball through these comestible carols:
Rosie O’Donnell had her fifteen minutes of talkshow host fame before she became a professional ‘pig.’ She even dropped an album of holiday duets with her willing guests. Here she salivates with Gloria Estefan (and admits to pigging out) with “I’m Gonna Eat for Christmas.” Psst–It’s okay to make fun of your own weight to the world in a pop song, it’s (theoretically) humorous!
[ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU PARODY ALERT! Doug the Pug internet sensation leads the lackluster shopping spree to “All I Want for Christmas is Food.”]
More silly parody from Pete LaMaster singing dad jokes to ‘Beginning to Look’ (with ample Star Wars references) a la “Holiday Eating.” He’s polite and discrete, so okay.
Be careful with your holiday diet: what sounds like more Plank Road Publishing bemoans “Don’t Eat a Poinsettia” for Christmas. Holiday romper rooms everywhere sing this one (we would hope WITHOUT a Mexican accent on the chorus).
Not everyone eats American for the holidays. Trinidad riddim mon Jahzy lets it all hang out with “Eat Muh Belly Full” without specifying too much exotic sauce (there’s wafer). Get up now!
Sunny Cowgirls recount an Australian smorgasbord (edible and in-) with their own wacky child-style pop song “Ate Too Much at Christmas.” Don’t spew!
After feasting on sweet stuff for a month, we have to deal with the consequences.
HPU nursing has an informational talent show (no winners, sorry) in “The Diabetes Song (The Christmas Song)” set to ‘Chestnuts Roasting.’ It’s a real downer, but full of helpful info about how not to die in this condition.
Stuckey and Murray have an angrier song “Santa Gave Me Diabetes,” which while fun folk rock AND based on a true story, still poops on your corn flakes with its cautionary tale of profligate sweet-eating. Take that, fun.
What about those other awkward bits on the Christmas cookie plate?
Gingerbread is not just a cookie! Richard Graham explores the architectural possibilities for the holidays with “Gingerbread House” a singing tutorial. What’s the kiddies’ mortgage on that playful dough?
Fudge can be overlooked for weeks on the great Advent platter and still be just as good! This number comes with a long spoken exposition, like those end-of-the-world movies. It’s a folk epic about a dead grandmother’s gift. “The Christmas Fudge” may haunt you, or you can skip it.
Leslie Adams screams “No Fudge for Christmas” meaning no treats of any kind in a house gone healthy. A fun song concept, but the voice changer was cranked up to whiny so… yeah.
Bonnie Legion brings us back to cookies, but this time they’re alive! Don’t bite them! Aiee! Wait–is that early Twentieth Century jazz/ragtime?! What a great “Christmas Cookie Song” almost ruined with video-making and special effects.
Okay, time for the plateful sampler of Christmas cookies.
Rap loves to infantilize with its pacifiers, saggy britches, and flaunted hedonism, so here’s a rash of hip hop Xmas ladyfingers: Wazo and The Elf achieve a lovely balance of kids’ song and dub step with “Santa’s Chewing on My Cookies.” This needs to be on a Disney album for pre-teens, stat. Suburban family style rap from Accordian Hank and Jonny V cuts up “Hot Christmas Cookies” with more bounce and modulated fun than it should. It’s Glee-ful. Buckwheat Boyz run a bit OG with “Milk and Cookies.” The G is for general audiences; this is family fun.
Playing on the Motown emotions Mr. Phill Wade may not mean “Milk and Cookies” like the other songs mean. This may be R-rated if you listen too carefully, despite the oblique Christmas reference. Make him wait ’til you’re ready, girl! Another branch of Motown RuPaul doo wops “Christmas Cookies” from her lovin’ oven. It’s just as suggestive. Not ’til you’re ready, boys!
If you unscrew that Oreo you’ll find the overweight folk of Keith Mendelsohn’s “Christmas Cookies.” The man can noodle out a warm aroma with his twinkling words.
Lady-style, Amanda Duncan leads the girl-troupe with “Christmas Cookies” like the Andrew Sisters. It’s old fashioned but attractive, in a sexy gramma way.
As usual we’re leading to rock. All musical styling leads to rock. So let’s end up with rockabilly. The Rockin Elfs bubomp “Christmas Cookies” with a little too much kid slant and enumeration. Spine bending ‘billy comes from G Love with his “Christmas Cookies.” This, fittingly revues all the sweets of this past month into one danceable carol. Swing those bars!
Laissez les bon temps roulez with a zydeco spin as “Santa Stole My Christmas Cookies” steals your feet further and Travis Matte reminds you why cajuns rock the house up on stilts (cuz of the swamp) more than elvisinators.
