Month: September 2024

Stockings OF DEATH

A Christmas stocking is a marker of time. So’s death.

Kids shouldn’t go hungry at Christmas! comes the refrain for the minute-long punk sermon “Stocking Filler” by way of Popclaw. That kills.

“Christmas Stocking 2009” is soft spoken country sentimentality from Larry Heral about grampa’s stocking and what happened to it. Wah.

“The Devil’s Christmas Stocking” by Helen McCookerybook is a delightful bit of folk fluff wherein Santa and Satan get down to brass tacks and agree to disagree. (I’m thinking Satan didn’t get any stocking fillings.)

“The Angry Kid Merry Christmas Stocking Song” by, i presume, Angry Kid seems pop song pleased with his grisly stuffer treat. But i’m pretty sure somebody died.

WORSE THAN COAL IN YOUR Stocking

Already dug up all the coal we need years ago, but since then–well, kids have still been naughty.

Smokey Katie’s “Donner Took a Shit in Your Stocking” adds country to injury with drawling, insult, and revenge. Throw this shit out.

Lil Poverty Angels reveal what’s worse than coal in their free styling “Poop in the Christmas Stocking.” ¡Ay, caramba!

Murphy’s Lawyer jazzes up the tempo with the kidsong “Santa Pooped in My Stocking.” At least he knows he deserved it. (Candy corn!?)

Stocking of COAL

Coal? Not coal again?!

Antha Lee’s “Stocking Full of Coal” causes her consternation. Was she bad? Her soul singing isn’t bad.

“I Got a Stocking Full of Coal” wails The Crushtones with terrific ’60s garage rocking. And they hopes up so high!

Coal… and blood! In your stocking! “I Want Your Soul for Christmas” is Backyard Superheroes getting demonic pop. You get little in return. Except this cool song.

John Gannon portrays a mischievous youngun suffering from the dread of “Coal in My Stocking Again.” Showtune kidsong.

EMPTY Stocking

The mockery of a stocking that has NOTHING in it–!

“Empty Christmas Stocking” has been here before. The specter of no presents for his beloved (and sick, natch) daughter drives a man to crime. It’s an oldie and quite the tear jerker. Try the elderly approach from Lyle and Doris Mayfield.

“The Empty Christmas Stocking Blues” by M.T. Quinn and the Blues Rockin’ Daddies drags the girl into the fray and blame gets spread around like spraycan snow.

More “Empty Stocking Blues” now from Kenrick & The Jiggi Verandah Band. It is bad news (shocking), bt some personal culpability is recognized.

When Bob 4 Apples is faced with “Empty Stockings” their only recourse is to Eat The Rich. Offkey indie agenda. Wot fun.

Stocking HOLES

There should only be ONE hole in your Xmas stocking, neh? The one on the top, where the goodies go in. But–

Blame ranges from moths to mice, but “A Hole in My Christmas Stocking” energizes Liz Anderson to do something about it. Before it’s too late! Kidsong with odd instrumentation.

Pat Boone steps up to the topic with “The Hole in the Stocking.” See, this kid got so much last year (it IS a lot), it wore out the fabric. But, our easy listening experience takes a Christian turn. Wait for it–

Echoic country comedy (baZing! boi-oi-oing!) from Dave & Jeanine advises “Don’t Hang Your Stocking with a Hole in It.” Good for a two-step or two.

HOLEY Stocking!

What happens when there’s a damaged gift receptacle on the mantle?!

C’mon back! The Cricketones deal with a “Little Christmas Stocking with a Hole in the Toe.” Orchestrated kidsong, like we had in the ’60s. Watch out for that ruthlessly selfless kid, though.

Poverty, am i right? “Christmas At The Old Home Place” is bluegrass from Joe Mullins & the Radio Ramblers (feat. Earl Barnes). Everything’s got holes in it, including stockings!

“There’s A Hole In My Christmas Stocking” bewails The Caroleer Singers and Orchestra. But this kidsong admits the sentimental value of Grandma’s heirloom precludes any present loss. Pay it forward!

The Keith Richards Orchestra (!) scats up a storm back in 1959 with “There’s a Hole in My Christmas Stocking.” Darn it!

LITTLE Stocking

Size matters with gifts and stockings and nuclear attacks….

“(Christmas Greeting) Little Christmas Stocking” is the subject and the addressee of this bossa nova skit by The Rupars. Easy listening with high hopes.

Heck let’s just randomize the tunes; so what about this Dan Allaby brass scatter-plot: “Christmas Stocking“? What’s this neo-jazz nonsense all about?

Who gets a little stocking? You do! Yes, you do! “My Dog & Me on Christmas” is uke pop fun from Leslie Mosier. (The little stocking is for the little dog. You got that, right?)

Punk doesn’t truck in no stinkin’ stockings. “I Wear My Leather Jacket at Christmas” is about all Department of Creative Affairs cares about. Yeah, okay, it’s not ABOUT stockings. But we needed an angry UK tune that mentioned them.

WHERE IS THE Stocking?

FAQs about Xmas stockings:

“Where Does Father Christmas Hang His Stocking?” Graham Mutton wants to know. Old style Music Hall from the UK poses more than one quandary.

Is it true what they say? demands D. D. Lake in the rocking anthem “Funky Christmas Stocking.” How did love become the subject matter here?

“What’s in Your Stocking?” seems an innocent enough inquiry. But Shy Nature’s alt rock moderne moaning implies so much more. Weirding me out….

Hoping for love, but getting less, John Jay Martyn asks “What ‘Cha Puttin’ in My Stocking?” Smooth lounge jazz that promises to be better next year.

PEEKING IN THE Stocking

It’s not the footwear so much that matters as what’s inside!

“What’s in That Stocking” is another elementary school mishegas of mumbling musicality from Teresa Jennings and Plank Road. God love ’em.

Jet Baker checks his mantle settings and finds there’s “Weed in My Stocking.” Spoken, unplugged, uncensored.

Look what you’ve got in your stocking now; Look what you’ve got in your sock; What will you find in your stocking now? excites Charles Connolly with his jazzy easy listening: “Santa’s on His Way.” I say, let him.

The Caroleers get kidsong serious when they’re “Gonna Hang Up My Stocking and Fill It Full of Dreams.” What exactly do they expect is gonna be in there–?

Stocking STUFFERS

What goes IN the stocking?

Perhaps only a mess of stuff wads nicely in your stocking. “STOCKING STUFFERS, A Rock Operetta” from Robot and Viking (Dirthippy Productions) is an amateur mishmash of rock Xmas cliches and movie samples. It’s that music your parents think is ‘noise.’

What’s a “Stupid Stocking Stuffer“? It’s not candy, or toys, or money… but it grows on trees! Dave & Steve Sundstrom will kidsong you the answer.

Fingerpopping and syncopating, Anna Waronker wants to “Stuff My Stocking (Steakhouse Version)” with you. It’s seductive, but not dirty at all. (I think.)

Todd McHatton instructs us on how best to enjoy all those little (breakable!) goodies “In Your Stocking.” Lively kidsong rock. Let’s get it done.