Canadian cartoonist Joren Cull outcounted us all with the nine hour jamboree “The 179 Days of Christmas.” I am not kidding. Hats (which is number 133) off to him. I dare you! [If you do have a life, however, the below link will get you the less-than-a-minute sample.] Lyrics are available, but lotta this stuff is Canadian, so… huh?
Month: May 2022
Christmas Countdown: 187 BLUE ALERT
G-Mo Skee pulls a 187 on your misconceptions, that is “Filthmas Origins (The Prequel)” murders the ordinary view of our Christian observance. This rap on the hella-pagan satan-worshippin’ heathen holiday pulls no punches. I mean, BLUE ALERT, a’ight. Look out. There’s history.
Christmas Countdown: 200 BLUE ALERT
Still into the triple digits, but now we’re at the line between heavyweight and the lower weights. The first unprimable number. The big two-double-oh.
Easy folk-alts “Christmas Memories” about watching ‘Home Alone’ 200 times and liking the photo albums better with rum. But when she comes hither with maybe tonight We can make another Christmas memory, the song gains traction and violins and tubular bells. Childlike wonder sits well on this giggly grownup.
I just spent 200 on my friend’s list, regrets Shayla Hamady in “I’m Broke But Happy Holidays.” This alt-lounge serenade is a cool goof on celebrating, but the pissiness lingers like unwashed socks.
The duo Schmab brings it home with the colliding culture shock of “Fuck Yeah Christmas,” a gospel rant of dysfunctional proportions. Finally a song to fully reference a Red Ryder carbide action 200-shot range model air rifle and the Roker polar vortex. Ah, men.
Christmas Countdown: 2:14
Perhaps as a palate cleanser, The Worship Together Kids perform “Luke 2:14” as ‘The Promise of Christmas.’ This sprightly pop is uplifting, but no mere gospel praise. It’s a catchy tune!
Christmas Countdown: 216 BLUE ALERT
Pineapple Posse wants to celebrate the holidays, but–clinging to street red–swear they won’t take “No L“–not from nobody. Lazy sex references and casual violence attribution frame: I’m back on the mic 216 Up in the heights, yeah the Posse down to fight. That’s likely a reference to the area code for E. Cleveland’s Shaker Heights. Must be some down-and-dirty there to warrant this rudderless rap.
Christmas Countdown: 223 BLUE ALERT
German whisper-rapper LoadTronic spins down the drug trail in “Christmas Cheesecake,” a reference to how his homies are stacked (??!). It ain’t a dream you just see me bubble ball out 223 Yeah I go up now. This number could be the ungodly time, or the Minneapolis municipal code against drug paraphernalia, or the number of pages in a Cheesecake Factory menu… dunno. But it’s lyrically street.
Christmas Countdown: 2:30
In other holiday observations, Sugarbabes sweetly countrify their pop in “New Year.” Sitting here stressing at 2:30 am About how fast a year can go, I wonder where it went If we start all over again, would it really work? Post holiday loneliness is a real thing, friends.
Christmas Countdown: 2-4-1
Sweetbox enumerates the mistakes she WON’T make anymore “This Christmas.” Trying to be not so naughty she declares: I won’t be victimized By Christmas sales or 2-4-1 offers. Anthem pop that marches strong despite the tail between the legs.
Christmas Countdown: 2:45
Shama Mrema and PD revisit the synth keyboard chattering pop of the ’80s for the revelatory downer “Post-Christmas Slump.” Everyone’s busy, no work, nothing much to do, It’s 2:45 P.M., I haven’t gotten up. Millennial blues, dude.
Christmas Countdown: 24/7
365 is not enough Christmas. Try it all the hours of the day, all the days of the week. (But not all the days of the month.)
rwsrvnt interrupts his “White Christmas” celebration with the point that, being from Florida, he’s used to a time and place Where the tree tops swing And the ocean breeze Is 24/7. Calypso electronica, but it drags a bit.
The Jonas Brothers also phone in the love song “Like It’s Christmas.” See, Twenty four seven Every inch of Central Park Is covered in white This could be heaven–‘cuz it’s with you. Watered down pop.
Girl harmony rife with purrs and slurs, “25 Days of Christmas” doesn’t seduce so much as put you on notice: We’re gonna share 25 days of Christmas baby, 24-7 with the family. With, yaknow, game night & chores & and & picking up ‘fore we go to bed. I guess. Weak pop–sorta soul.
Slowed down, low impact musicality works better with the bedroom-eyed R+B of Matthyaz. “Let It All Go” admits, I need some presents I might need some snow And you in my arms under that mistletoe I want this shit 24/7. You are just a piece of the perfect picture, bae. Standoffish works for ya, yeah? (Melted me, a bit.)